Husband is 'cheating'... Maybe?

Pink_acetaminophen · 2015-07-09T00:43:43+00:00

I'm very against divorce but I'd divorce about 3 years of dick pics, lying, emotional cheating and humiliation no conversation about it. Can you imagine lying for 3 years about sending some garbage dudes pics of your vag and making up stories pretending to cheat and trying to play it off? Who is that acceptable for? ? I'm sorry this is happening mama *hugs

PhantomDream09 · 2015-07-09T00:11:32+00:00

He was hiding this behavior before (quite successfully until he forwarded the email it seems) and you're options are very limited. You can accept this behavior for the sake of preserving the marriage and 'hoping' for the best -- from what you've written it doesn't sound as though you'll be able to fully accept, forgive, and move past this without lingering issues. Do you truly believe you'll be able to trust him completely from this point now that your eyes are fully open? Because that's what repairing this relationship will require - understanding and acceptance. It's highly unlikely that he's going to change his behavior, and everyone will be miserable if you make it your mission to 'fix him' when he clearly doesn't think there's anything that needs to be fixed. Even if you find a way to be 'okay' with his infidelity, will you ever be okay with his deception?

As /u/_wingnut_ said, either accept him the way he is, and make peace with what this means for your future as a married couple, or hit the road. If you expect him to do a complete 180 then you're fighting an uphill battle that will lead to a considerable amount of distrust, frustration, and unhappiness.

This is why people have deal-breakers in the first place. It's also the reason why deal-breakers are entirely meaningless unless you're fully prepared to follow through and end the relationship when that boundary is crossed.

whitebunny87 · 2015-07-09T01:36:29+00:00

unfortunately, i think you've already got your answer here.

divorce is never ideal, but in your situation it is justified and preferable. think of it this way: marriage is the biggest part of most people's life, and so it should be. the man you choose has the potential to make your life infinitely pleasurable, or a pain in the butt.

this man you've chosen might be wonderful in other ways, but he is a liar and a consistent one at that. he is never going to be that man who enriches your life.

you're 23. you have so, so much time ahead of you. you do not want to spend the next 60 years with a man who doesn't deserve your trust.

it's a very difficult thing to do, and i don't envy your position at all.

ladieaupair · 2015-07-09T00:50:27+00:00

First, I'm really sorry. This is awful.

Secondly, I think you should really consider ending this relationship. This has clearly been a pattern; and my initial impression is that this is not something you're willing to work with. I know you don't want "leave him!" advice, but you have to ask yourself - do you want to deal with this later once you've had children? How would you react as a child if you found out this was going on in your parents' relationship?

His 'somewhat low libido' is alarming to me - he's been soliciting people from Craigslist for years, yet not interested in your own bedroom? Are you putting forth a strong effort here? You mention that you are actively propositioning him, but is it really obvious when you are, and what are you suggesting when you do?

You mentioned you don't have children; I'd seek out an attorney to help you sort through things. Don't be dramatic or make a big deal - just make a clean and quiet break. Everyone has their limits; you need to determine your own and whether or not this is something you're willing to work with.

TempestTcup · 2015-07-09T10:01:21+00:00

There is a good chance he did physically cheat; he could be doing this thing called trickle-truth where you come clean with what the other spouse already knows, but insist nothing else happened. You know he has been talking with women, so he admits it and begs forgiveness. Then when pushed he might admit that he met one but nothing happened. Then when pushed more he admits they made out but nothing more. You see where I am going with this. Where there is smoke, there is probably fire.

I am so sorry you are going through this; my heart goes out to you. If you stay with him then realize that this is how your marriage will always be. If you can accept that and make peace with that then stay; if not then get a good lawyer now, and leave.

MentORPHEUS · 2015-07-09T01:57:14+00:00

TIL I am a plate wife. So sorry OP.

we are a very RP couple - he's actually the one who introduced me to the whole RP/manosphere in the first place, and it just 'clicked' with both of us.

Did you somehow miss the parts that advise men, "Don't get married, spin multiple plates etc," did you ignore them/assume they didn't apply, or did you two discuss these parts of male RP canon and agree they didn't apply to him or you? Sounds like it's really time to get to discussing, not to mention what parts of RP recommend lying to one's spouse and failing to meet commitments you have chosen to enter.

Two years, no children, 23; an uncomplicated divorce or annulment sounds like a good option if you and he aren't committed to the same vision of what it means to be a married couple.

_wingnut_ · 2015-07-08T23:23:59+00:00

Do you have kids?

tintedlipbalm · 2015-07-09T02:12:05+00:00

I can't really add to the advice, other than to say that I think your perspective falls into the sunk cost fallacy. You think of your 7 year relationship as lifetime investment and he's all you've known and you're financially dependent, but are you really willing to continue and have his children and get further entangled? Because I think you're in a pretty good position to get out of this, as you're still young and childless.

What he has done is all about how you take it. If you think it's not a serious transgression, and you can tolerate it without losing trust and respect, then it's not a big deal. But the fact that you confronted him and made a thread about it makes it clear that you really care. What follows is a serious deal of hurt and resentment, especially since he's not remorseful.

icyhonesty · 2015-07-09T04:35:35+00:00

"I don't even know if I consider this cheating/a breach of our marriage vows or just an addiction of some kind..." It can absolutely be both, equally. Even if he is suffering from an addiction to pornography and risky sexual behavior (which I believe to be serious legitimate addictions, for the record) he still made a choice. An addiction isn't a gun pointed at anyone's head. We can always choose to take steps to better ourselves, to learn to overcome obstacles. But he doesn't sound like he thinks he REALLY did anything wrong. I could maybe stay with a man who cheated if he showed he was truly sorry, that he understood why the behavior was hurting me and, you know, stopped. But the denial of any wrongdoing would be a deal breaker for me personally. I'm really so sorry you're going through this.

Reddthrown · 2015-07-09T11:25:39+00:00

You have no kids - the solution is to divorce him. It's obvious, unfortunately.

Simpsondimsum · 2015-07-09T14:03:13+00:00

If you don't want that advice then:

Are you religious? Do you two have parents that support your relationship? Are you close?

This might be time to seek outside counseling, as a couple. To get the guidance of elders or religious figures. He needs to be able to explain his behavior to someone else if not you

foremornings · 2015-07-09T04:10:26+00:00

it's understandable that you don't want to leave him, because the relationship has been such a big part of your life for such a long time now and he did claim to not physically meet with anyone.

however, i need to agree with some of the other comments here, it doesn't sound as if he's going to be treating your relationship any better or that he's planning of doing something about (what i would actually consider) cheating on you. sending dick pics and sex-emailing other women is a breach of the agreement where you two are meant to be loyal to each other. if you're okay with what he's been doing then you'll have to accept it as part of your future. he seems to not really care about how you feel about this so as everyone else is saying, accept it or gtfo babes. hope things get better :)

katiemonster · 2015-07-09T05:14:13+00:00

He may honestly not view it as cheating. I have a friend who had a very similar issue in her relationship, in which her boyfriend was "addicted" to erotic chatting & exchanging pictures with women online. To him it was really just like interactive porn and was just something he did to help himself get off when he wanted to masturbate.

That said...the fact that your husband has promised and failed to stop, and that he's dismissing your feelings is a huge red flag. This isn't a first offense. He knows full well how you feel about this and continued to do it anyway while lying to you and telling you he'd stopped.

Honestly, at 23 and with no children I think you should consider leaving him. Bad behavior is something you do, but dishonest is something you are. I went through something similar with an ex. It wasn't so much that his behavior was unforgivable, but once I knew how willing and able he was to lie to me, I knew I couldn't trust him anymore.

If you really refuse to consider leaving him (or even if you're on the fence), I suggest you get yourselves to marriage counseling immediately to figure out how to deal with this.

kadykinns · 2015-07-09T16:34:24+00:00

I'm sorry your dealing with this. Is it a possibility that he wants to leave the relationship and sent you that email cause he wasn't man enough to actually break it off respectfully?

IsobellaVaude42 · 2015-07-09T16:54:59+00:00

I was in a LTR for several years and had something very similar happen to me. Thankfully we weren't married. Would he be OK if you started doing something similar? If you sent nude pictures of yourself to strangers on the internet would he blow his stack over it? If you were "sexting" some random guy would he be A-OK about it. I'm going to assume the answer is no, because he would feel betrayed and cheated on. You can try explaining it to him from that perspective to see if he "gets it." But honestly it's not going to stop. He may stop for a few weeks, but he will get bored and go right back to it again. You can either be ok with it or leave. There is a small hope that if he's truly into TRP lifestyle, then you can look on the Married Red Pill sub to see if they have something on there that would point out the behavior as being unfaithful (and ultimately uncool), show it to him and that might inspire him to stop. Otherwise I'd start planning my exit strategy because your "Captain" is doing a terrible job.

Also, don't have kids until this is ultimately resolved.

RPDame · 2015-07-09T17:36:44+00:00

my husband has been soliciting sexual banter/sending pictures of his penis on Craigslist for the last 2-3 years, and also writing personalized erotica and sending it to women he 'meets' on CL, and they write him back erotic replies. When I came to him looking for answers, he claimed that he has never physically or emotionally cheated on me, has never met anyone in person, and that this is a 'compulsion' for him (along with watching porn, apparently).

Okay. This is something that is going to be tolerable to some women and not to others. I don't think any woman would like this, but some would be willing to turn the other cheek.

But, the following three items together would make me very unhappy:

I found him dirty talking with a random girl on FB about a year in (forgave him for that, he swore it wouldn't happen again;

then an e-mail similar to this one about a year ago (which he again swore was a one-off

I'm now wondering if this might be the reason that he sometimes 'doesn't feel like' having sex, as that has been an on-and-off issue throughout our relationship (he has always stated stress as hurting his libido, and as his school/work are both stressful, I've never even thought to question it – my libido is naturally high, and I do NOT turn down sex/actively try to proposition him even when knowing I'll be turned down.)

He did not follow through on his word two times, and he appears to be as interested (or more interested) in his fantasy sex life than his real one, even though you're available to him and willing.

Additionally, how can you trust his word that this has never been emotional or physical cheating? Two times he's told you it wouldn't happen again, and now you see he either actively lied to you or was passively dishonest. If he wants you to rely on his word, you've already had evidence that it's perhaps not trustworthy enough to rely on. What's that saying? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, shame on...

You're only 23. You've been with this man since you were a teenager, therefore being without him feels really scary. Even if you're unhappy, it's familiar and therefore comforting. But there's more out there if you want it.

If you follow RPW dogma, you can feel like you're already washed up, but you're not. You're at an age where there will still be plenty of eligible men (probably ones older than you) who want to settle down. Imagine finding someone who has all the good qualities of your husband but also only wants intimacy and sex with you.

If you stay with him, he doesn't have a reason to change what he's been doing. You've forgiven him every time you've discovered it, so staying sends a signal that he can keep doing it. So if you stay, you have to be at peace that this is what a marriage with him will be like. You can't stay and keep trying to mold him into the man you want him to be - that's where most modern relationships go wrong. You find someone you love and admire, and you trust him and let your words and actions build him up rather than tear him down. If you stay, can you trust him? Can you continue to build him up?

Take some time and think it all over. This isn't a decision to make quickly, but at the same time, don't let it go on for so long that you passively end up staying. You need to actively make a choice: leave or stay with full acceptance.

[deleted] · 2015-07-09T20:54:43+00:00

[permanently deleted]

[deleted] · 2015-07-09T01:11:28+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Beach_Baby · 2015-07-09T05:38:27+00:00

My best friend is dealing with a very similar situation. She has recently found out she is not the only person he's done this to, and it's been a pattern in other relationships prior. My advice to her has been essentially the advice you've been given already, but your responses here have been more eloquent than mine to her because I'm invested in her happiness. A man who does these things is looking for an ego boost that no person is capable of providing him. I'm not one to offer "leave him" as an option, but as someone who sees the effects of this firsthand with someone I care for deeply, I can tell you it's not a thing that is enjoyable to watch and it will rob you of so much. He can't be a Captain for you if he's swabbing other decks.

Title	Husband is 'cheating'... Maybe?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	18
Comments	34
Date	July 8, 2015 11:18 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/3cm0ce/husband_is_cheating_maybe/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/husband-is-cheating-maybe.166354 https://theredarchive.com/post/166354

Comments