Is sex before commitment okay when you know each other well?

the-capitan · 2016-12-13T12:04:16+00:00

jesus. this post is hamster-mode trickle truth 10,000. no. whenever you want to ask "is sex before commitment okay when..." the answer is no. your scenario is not special. if you do not have exclusive commitment, you are a plate/ONS. and if you run up your n-count, you become damaged goods.

Kara_El · 2016-12-13T12:55:18+00:00

If you want an LTR, I'd keep the flirting friendly and nothing more until he is ready. He has told you, verbatim, that he's not ready for anything serious. If you have sex with him, you're asking for platedom.

Willow-girl · 2016-12-13T14:50:59+00:00

Well, what's the worst thing that could happen? Or maybe not the very worst, but what's a suboptimal outcome, and could you still live with it? Let's say that you use this very convenient opportunity to have some great sex, but the guy isn't really serious about you and doesn't stick around. Are you going to be devastated or will it be more like, "Well, we had a nice fling"?

Switching gears a bit, I think the scenario you describe (house-sitting) is a great opportunity to up your value in his eyes. Years ago, there was a guy I'd been dating for awhile, maybe 2 or 3 months. We were sleeping together, but it was just a casual thing (I wasn't RP then). Valentine's Day rolled around, and I made a plan to go over to his house and fix him a special dinner. I brought all the fixin's with me, and made him a steak, etc., with a nice bottle of wine (I actually had to have my mother buy the wine for me as I was still underage, lol!). I did all the cooking and serving dressed to the nines with high heels on, and of course we had sex afterwards, lol.

It's funny because at the time I wasn't really being artful about this; it just seemed like a fun thing to do. But a few years later, he mentioned that that was the night he really fell for me. That I went from being "just a girl" to "the one" that night because of the effort I'd made. (And we were together for about three years, although we didn't end up marrying.) I made note of his words and I've used that strategy a number of times since, generally with good results. I think men are so accustomed to being the one to do all the heavy lifting early in the relationship -- it really blows their mind when a girl turns the tables and pampers them!

Maybe you could try something similar with your guy? Wine and dine him while you have the chance? (You don't necessarily have to go "all the way," just create a special evening for him that will make you really stand out from any other girls on his radar.)

onacasserole · 2016-12-13T06:27:34+00:00

Talking about the future doesn't mean much if the present isn't even established yet. If it's too early to even bring up being exclusive then it's probably too early for sex if you're actually interested in a LTR. If you're cool with a FWB scenario then you may as well go for it.

deco_doll · 2016-12-13T14:32:56+00:00

This seems like a recipe for heartbreak. I know it's tempting to use your opportunity of house sitting to sleep with him, but I think you need to wait.

You said:

"He SEEMS to really like me".

No, just stop. You need to know what his intentions are, especially if there's a chance you are the rebound girl. Which is a possibility since you said he was just in a relationship before you guys starting spending more time together.

womanandwolf · 2016-12-13T06:03:20+00:00

RPW theory says that you should always wait for commitment before sex. Also, I'm a bit concerned.. you two have been getting to know each other for several months, as in dating for several months, and you're still not exclusive yet? I understand that some people like to take it slow, but to me that would be a red flag.

loneliness-inc · 2016-12-13T16:27:22+00:00

He knows I'm not a casual kind of girl so I don't doubt he takes me seriously,

And to help him take you even more seriously than he already does, you'll take a step backwards into being casual with him?

There's no set amount of time on how long you should wait before sex. My wife and I waited almost 4 months. The point is that you take off your clothing when the naked you is truly united with the naked him. As long as you're still figuring out whether this guy is right for you or not, you still have those barriers, don't remove the barriers of clothing.

RubyWooToo · 2016-12-13T18:46:54+00:00

If you think you know him well enough to sleep with him, then why don't you think you know him well enough to be in a relationship?

The worst thing that happens if you rush into an exclusive relationship is that you realize you're not right for each other and you break up. So what?

But here's what you risk when rush into sex without exclusivity: STDs, unwanted pregnancy (before knowing where you stand on that issue), him losing interest, getting prematurely emotionally attached, and getting anxiety over who and how many other girls he's screwing.

And as well as you think you know him, trust me, you don't. I was friends with my husband for years before we started dating (and we were adults when we met, not high school students) and we were both shocked at how much we had to learn about each other after we became a couple.

Don't let your shared history-- or all the pretty things he's saying so early in the relationship-- lull you into a false sense of security or intimacy.

Nyquil-Junkie · 2016-12-13T19:59:36+00:00

Oh the N count thing again.... Relationships fail and marriages fail for a million+ variables. You can't make up one formula for life that works.

Since willow showed me these pill forums, I read them quite a lot. Every problem and crisis people post are one sided; You have NO idea what the real variables are. Too much of the confirmation of the data is from analyzing one sided accounts. You can't do that.

Life is an endless chain of variables. What works 100% for one will no doubt be a 100% fail for someone else.

The N count thing (In my view) is a load of horse shit. You cannot predict what effect it has or will have on people because every person and situation is different. It is no indicator of quality.

One woman might have many partners because they have abuse baggage and emotional issues. Another woman might simply be strong willed independent and enjoy sex as much as anyone else. Pick door #1 and you're fucked. Pick door #2 and you're not.

The virgin prize cuts that way too. One might be a well educated lady who is not at all a prude and will give you many decades of pure awesome. However another prize virgin might be a religiously damaged trainwreck with no clue about anything and no ability to change or adapt. So Virginity is not an indicator of anything.

Should you wait for a commitment? Who knows, do what seems right for you, in this situation with the information and cues you have. HE might be a player.... he might not be. You never can tell.

My only rule in these sorts of situations was.... don't fuck anyone you wouldn't consider a long term friend. At least you know them, their associations, habits, friends, problems and family. At least you have had time to roll this shit around in your head and make an informed choice on how to proceed.

If you think for one minute there is some set of data that can predict how a relationship will go, you're delusional. Like anything else in life, you make the best informed decision based on all the variables you can factor in.

Mentathiel · 2016-12-13T20:15:28+00:00

No, not okay.

First of all, I find this whole Western idea of being in a relationship or kinda in one, but not committed/exclusive quite ridiculous to me. You're either in a relationship or you aren't. If you're not committed you're not in a relationship and if you're not exclusive, you're not in a monogamous relationship. If you aren't okay with either of those, you should first establish commitment and exclusiveness.

Second of all, if you're not committed and exclusive right now, what makes you think you will be in the future? I mean, him being an old friend yadda yadda has nothing to do with it. He's either ready to commit, not ready to commit but tells you he just need some time and actually take it without bothering you and playing with your feelings or he's not ready to commit at all. So which is it? Well, actually, there's a fourth scenario where he isn't ready to commit but wants to, but won't leave you alone until he sorts himself out. In this case, he's not taking responsibility and not in control of himself and his emotional life, which is somewhat of a red flag (depends how big on how much it manifests elsewhere).

If you want to stay with him and wait for him to come around, go ahead, but don't have sex. I think it'd be the smartest to talk to him and see if he needs some time and if not why does he not want to commit to you yet.

thefisherman1964 · 2016-12-13T21:03:07+00:00

Sex before commitment is crossing a rubicon. Once you do it once, you'll have to do it every time if you want a high SMV man to commit to you. I know I would HARD NEXT a girl who has given it up without commitment in the past but expects me to commit first. She obviously views me as a BB, and I'll pass on that.

So if you've done it once, then you have to be careful who you choose to have sex with outside of commitment, otherwise you run the risk of turning into a slut. Obviously it is in a woman's best interest to never have sex outside of commitment in the first place.

thescarletlilly · 2016-12-13T20:43:02+00:00

I would not.

My partner and I waited a long time to chose to commit, and over a month after being official and meeting with the family before we slept together. We are very happy and close and the relationship is not about sex; sex is secondary.

Make the relationship about the relationship and your personalities first, then let the sex come after commitment. Things work out healthier that way.

Desire for once another goes a very, very long way. It will also preserve your new relationship energy for much longer.

Once you have sex, sex will be expected, naturally. You don't have your own place to have sex yet, so what happens when you do it once and then sex is extremely scarce?

This is not a good idea by any account. Learn from my mistakes and really use the advice here. Things will go better, I promise.

IamTheWalkingMenu · 2016-12-13T11:47:12+00:00

If he's seeing other people, dont bang him, unless you don't care. Although how long will he wait though if he can get it somewhere else easily? Sigh. That's always the trick to figure out.

Title	Is sex before commitment okay when you know each other well?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	2
Comments	57
Date	December 13, 2016 5:01 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/5i1q76/is_sex_before_commitment_okay_when_you_know_each/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/is-sex-before-commitment-okay-when-you-know-each.167052 https://theredarchive.com/post/167052

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