LTR problems

Umbrellr · 2018-10-16T12:39:11+00:00

“I wonder how to avoid being stuck with the wrong person and not noticing” If you’re looking for a relationship, there is your problem—a lack of commitment. If you and your boyfriend are not committed to each other fully, then he will not be the right person because no one is the right person.

Obviously I don’t mean if he is abusive or terrible, but if he’s a good person and both of you have faults, commitment is vital for the life of the relationship. Will you hate him sometimes? Probably. Will you get on his nerves, and he on yours? Will you sometimes want to complain to a girlfriend about him (whether or not you do)? But all that must happen within the landscape of commitment, of we’re in this together, of we have each other’s backs. Or the relationship has no basis and it crumbles.

Love is fickle, because it’s an emotion. Sometimes he’s incredibly sweet and you feel adoring towards him. Sometimes he looks great and says smart things and is ambitious and you respect him tremendously for it. Those positive emotions are the reasons you commit, but once you decide to commit to this person, it’s the commitment itself that will get you through.

Because sometimes he’ll be human, and you won’t feel so pleased with him, but you’ll know that you’re not leaving this person, not ever, and he’s not leaving you, and you have each other’s backs; and even if you snipe at each other all night, you both know you have each other.

durtyknees · 2018-10-16T11:34:04+00:00

feel free to comment about important things you learned or about some of your struggles that you overcame

I was raised religious and traditional, and I had to unlearn all the "virtues" hammered into me in an attempt to make me useful to serve the purposes of others, while sacrificing my own basic human/female needs (things in life that actually make life worth living) that are considered "sinful" (often because fulfilling such needs do not benefit the person giving me such "advice" --- it doesn't benefit their "way of life").

I've learned to never trust anyone who preaches that something is unquestionable "truth"/ the "right thing to do", simply because "it has worked for centuries of human history" --- stagnation stinks for a reason :p

so much no one talks about and i really hate learning everything the hard way

This is something I'll never say directly to any woman, and I'm only saying this as a general statement : the main reason why I find relationships with other women so aggravating is the fact that women (in general) constantly need to be reassured that everything is "the right/safe thing to do", or any similar emotional comfort that has no value beyond temporary good-feels.

If I intend to be a good friend for another woman, I always have to do this tedious chore of reassuring insecurities and validating feels, and I imagine men who put up with this for the sake of having romantic relationships must be emotionally generous and very motivated to make sacrifices.

For most things in life worth living for, you tend to need to break a few "eggs" (/ "rules of safety" --- and I'm talking about traditional "values" here, not sticking fingers in open sockets :p).

In the context of a relationship with any man worth being in a relationship with, there will always be risks, because knowing how to calculate risks (and handle/prepare for failures), is how you get the best out of life.

All the "safe" advice that works "in general" (for most people), will only make you happy if you're someone who values safety more than what you desire most (what sets your passions on fire) in life.

rpwpreocupada · 2018-10-16T16:39:42+00:00

My now husband and I got into a lot of arguments at first due to differences in communication styles and not giving each other the benefit of the doubt. For example, if he wouldn’t text me one night or if he made a joke I found insensitive, I would think “he should’ve known how that would make me feel” and when I would tell him about something that upset me, he would think “she thinks I’m a bad person now”. Through a lot of conversations, effort on my part learning about positive techniques (John Gottmann is a wonderful relationships researcher with great info), and our marriage prep (required for Catholics), our communication got much better. We watch our tone of voice, say “thank you” and “sorry” much more often now, and generally understand each other a lot better :)

Kara__El · 2018-10-16T12:20:37+00:00

It's not about whether or not you argue. Everyone argues. It's about how often and how respectfully. My husband and I met at 30 and 27, respectively. He, in particularly, was very set in his ways, whereas I struggled with accepting opinions and help with my finances. We had to overcome those things and grow together and there were definitely some fights. But they all ended with humble apologies and expressions of love, from both sides.

norahlady · 2018-10-16T16:59:04+00:00

It's tough finding the balance between determining compatibility and being too picky. Ideally you want to properly vet someone before getting into a relationship with them, but then once you've committed, you want to be all-in without looking for problems or worrying about "falling out of love".

I'd suggest doing some soul searching and trying to figure out where your personality naturally falls on the spectrum. Are you perhaps too agreeable, trusting, naive? Do you fall in love easily, do you always see the best in people even when they actually kinda suck? Then try to be a bit more strict in vetting/filtering dates and have the strength to move on from a guy who's not right for you. Are you more combative, picky, stubborn? Then try harder to see the best in people and be patient and understanding of human limitations.

In my opinion, having actual fights within the first 6 months to 1 year of dating someone is a pretty big compatibility red flag. Personally, I tend to be on the agreeable/naive side and naturally see the best in people. My ex and I had a red-hot relationship but had emotional drama and fights within the first few _months_ of dating. I stayed in the relationship for years because I was always told fighting was normal and relationships are hard work. Ultimately, it wasn't sustainable or healthy. My current partner and I are much more compatible. We've had disagreements and tense moments, but after two years, we still haven't gotten in a true "fight" the way my ex and I used to fight.

cocodecoca · 2018-10-16T18:02:42+00:00

Me and my husband had a lot of problems in the early stages of the relationship. A lot of arguments and fights. We went through a lot. Now I think we've probably had one fight this year. We mostly fought because his sense of humour is extremely insensitive. I think he knows better now.

kittxxn · 2018-10-16T22:00:53+00:00

Instead of trying to find “problems” with the man you’re with, come up with a list of non negotiable things you need in a husband. Not small or specific things, but qualities you don’t think you could be happy without. I posted my list, you can take a look, and while I could be happy without some of these things for a casual thing, or a year or so, if you’re truly looking for a life partner, these are essential.

https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/9e4x9d/what_i_look_for_in_a_man_husband_material/?st=JNC9PMPJ&sh=7ba79476

TheLaughingRhino · 2018-10-17T02:52:43+00:00

The Rule Of Twos

This is something I could only learn through experience, pain and reflection for myself and from observing others.

2 Seconds

2 Minutes

2 Hours

2 Days

2 Weeks

2 Months

2 Years

These are the benchmarks in the typical male/female interaction where things will be as good as they will ever get. The first two seconds you lock eyes together and you simply know this person is right for you (well for right then, as the oxytocin hits you) No look you will ever have will be better than that one.

First two weeks living together for the first time. Nothing is better than coming home and having her jump into your arms. You christen every room in the house. You sleep on the floor of the living room on a blanket with the fireplace going. You hold her in your arms and you smell her hair.

But after the first two years of a marriage/living together LTR, it all sort of goes downhill.

I know of exactly ZERO married couples of 10 year or more together that that are happy. I know of several who fake it and appear happy because they have status and nothing to complain about. (Well they complain anyway) And I know a lot of people. But to be fair, I don't know everyone. When a man says I know of a married couple who are happy, what he is really saying is he thinks he'd put up with a lot to sleep with that woman. When a woman says I know of a married couple who are happy, what she is really saying is she thinks the woman has a lifestyle, on the surface, she covets for herself. Most people I know past the four year mark are also just skiing down a slope of no return.

We are designed to survive and procreate. No one said it had to be fun or avoid being messy. Many theories are that pair bonding, under the most ideal conditions, can only last about 12 years, long enough for a child to survive on it's own ( considering a hunter/gatherer society)

No matter how "Red Pill" a man might seem, there is nothing more heartbreaking than knowing those little moments, spooning or whispering in your ear or even just feeding you a single french fry at the table are fleeting. That none of it is real.

What went wrong?

It was never meant to be right. It was just your turn.

zionbeers · 2018-10-18T15:21:30+00:00

In short: the biggest problem in my LTR was not understanding that being "committed" (not cheating, doing coupley stuff) isn't the same as emotionally committing. Once you decide you've found a man who's worth it (and has demonstrated commitment toward you), not committing is wasting everyone's time.

Lux_x_Aeterna · 2018-10-16T13:47:02+00:00

Is it bad that it’s been over 4 years and we’re still in the honeymoon phase and haven’t had any major fights? We both try to avoid conflict and talk things through. I’ve heard it’s unhealthy to not fight in a LTR. Is this even true?

Title	LTR problems
Author	silverrdreamm
Upvotes	18
Comments	26
Date	October 16, 2018 9:26 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/9olzdu/ltr_problems/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/ltr-problems.75254 https://theredarchive.com/post/75254

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