LTR

Kara__El · 2018-09-14T17:06:34+00:00

You are absolutely setting yourself up for failure if you agree to this, because he is NOT acting with YOUR best interests in mind. He's acting with HIS best interests in mind and he's being more or less honest with you about it. He needs more. He's not ready to commit. You don't and you are. Go your separate ways, improve yourself, and if you're the right people for each other, in the right place at the right time, you can try again one day, but only if you part ways respectfully now. Sixteen is really, really, young to commit FOREVER. It's okay that he's not able to do that, but don't discredit yourself by agreeing to be his top plate. He won't respect you and you wont respect yourself.

Don't misunderstand that you can just say no and things will continue happily. Based on your post, he seems convinced that he needs this and will probably get it with or without your consent, eventually. Personally, I think you need to end this relationship amicably, while you still can.

BlueButterfly77 · 2018-09-14T16:48:55+00:00

I think you care for him more than he cares for you. I think this is hos way of keeping you "on file" while he explores to see if the grass is greener elsewhere. If it were me, I would tell him to go do what he needs to do, but I would be permanently walking out the door when I said it. There is no way I would put up with this. There has to be trust and respect in a true relationship and this is neither. Don't stand by and let him do this to you. 💜

beaversinthewashroom · 2018-09-14T17:17:01+00:00

I think your gut is telling you something. Otherwise you wouldn’t have read about this online, nor would you have posted about it. Think about what commitment really means to you. Can a man be committed to you if he’s sharing himself with other women at the same time? What do you really want in a relationship? What do you think makes a relationship stronger? Do your values line up with his behaviour? I think you should step outside the situation and think about the things that are important to you. I personally don’t see how an open relationship could make a relationship stronger. If there are any weak points in a relationship, it would make sense to work on those directly rather than open it up to a whole new set of sexual endeavours. I also don’t see how physical relationships with other women can fix YOUR relationship. The logic doesn’t exactly add up.

girlwithabike · 2018-09-14T17:35:18+00:00

I'm going to rewrite the same thing I always do when threesomes and open relationships come up. Most of this, is copied verbatim with your comments swapped in for the other OP. I'm telling you this because this is a tried and true post that you are writing. Many a man has the same request and many a woman tries to justify it in the exact same ways. I can't speak for how those relationships ever turn out. No one ever comes back and tells us. That may be telling in and of itself.

Lastly, in cases like this it's often a good rule of thumb that if you have to ask others if it's ok to do, it's probably not something you are ready for.

Here goes:

It is most likely but not definitely a stupid idea.

Awhile back my husband wanted to do the threesome thing. He'd done it before but never with me and I trusted him and said 'why not'. So I'm just going to tell you what I discovered from that so that you have more to consider when making your decision.

The women who are interested in being with a taken man are not necessarily women you will want in your life. I don't know how this plays out in an open relationship. This may be particularly true since you aren't even married. There will almost certainly be women competing to take him away from you. Competitive women can be dangerous to your life.
You have no idea how you will feel until he goes on dates. Whatever mental preparation you do and however you think you will feel, you simply cannot know the reality of it until it actually happens.
If you decide to explore your options (you are after all opening up the relationship), he cannot know how he will feel until you are on dates. Men are notoriously bad at accepting that their partner is with someone else. He may be banking on the fact that you aren't interested in dating others, but see #2.
There will be times when you are alone and he is with someone else and your hamster will start to spin, even if you trust him. You will compare yourself to the other women. How this plays out will depend on how much self confidence you have and how pretty/impressive/whatever the other women are.

Now a few other thoughts based on your post:

fear of missing out

In my experience, there isn't anything to miss out on. The trust and closeness that you build in a relationship makes sex much different (and better) than in a casual fling. All the same arguments apply here that apply to single women who want to sleep with a bunch of guys before they settle down. Are there sex acts that you won't do with him? He shouldn't be missing out on anything other than numbers unless he has some kink that you won't indulge. You should be able to explore and grow your sex life within the relationship. Some men do crave variety but plenty of men have a few partners in their lifetime and settle down. Variety is an impulse that doesn't have to be indulged to be happy.

I love him and I truly believe he loves me

I believe him...now. I believe you...now. But what happens if the sex is better for either of you with the new partner? And what happens if he (or you) start to get the new relationship feelings from the new partner. These are things that take emotional maturity to navigate for both of you. Will you be ok when he's infatuated with a new girl? Will you sleep next to him and feel comfortable that he had sex with someone else that night? Do you trust him to carry his feelings for a new person and still attending to your emotional needs? To not let you feel less than her?

he told me he just wanted the variety and the excitement of enticing women

It may not even be as easy as he thinks that it will be. This depends on your man's SMV obvi - but you may open the relationship only to deal with his frustration that he's not getting any interest. How that turns out depends on his personality. I think that it's common for people to say "lets have a threesome" or "lets have an open relationship" and then think that a new partner will fall in their lap the next day. It's still dating and dating can still be a challenge. Also, remember that the time you lose with him isn't restricted to the time frame of the actual date. He (or you) will be spending a bit of time on Tinder (or whatever) actually finding women to date, then talking to make the connection, then continuing the communication to build to sex. This takes away bonding time for you guys and refocuses it onto someone else.

want to do everything in my power to create the best relationship possible for us.

This is not enough of a reason to do this. You have to be truly ok with the emotional ramifications and even then it's a gamble.

Wolfssenger · 2018-09-14T19:15:29+00:00

I see this as the equivalent of hypergamy and monkey branching but for men. Both genders have a set of biological instincts that are harmful to a stable society. On the sexual axis, this is hypergamy for women and polygamy for men. It takes a certain amount of willpower and discipline to keep these in check and not only maintain a stable society for both children and adults, but also maximize the benefits of humanity's incredibly strong pair bonding abilities.

Your man seems to have no intention, or at least lacks the capacity to put forth the necessary discipline.

Anecdotally, I have a friend who struggles with the same desire and has tried open relationships. Each of these ended bitterly for both parties, and he just found out he has herpes. Needless to say forgoing this discipline has not served him well. While anecdotal, I think it's worth mentioning as I've yet to see this dynamic work out anywhere.

While I'm no authority, my vote here is no. There are plenty of good men, you can find one who can stomach the idea of forgoing infidelity.

Saigunx · 2018-09-15T00:17:25+00:00

He's already made up his mind, whether you agree to it or not. It will get worse as he gets older, as men's sense of morality deteriorates with age.

Source: am guy

[deleted] · 2018-09-14T19:36:45+00:00

If you're not enthusiastic about him sleeping with other women, don't proceed.

You're right that he's trying to have his cake and eat it too, and since he has the desire to be a 'douchey Chad', let him, but unless you're 10000% on board with this, you are exposing your sweet self to ruin.

Use this as an opportunity to leave the relationship and spare yourself a lot of heartache and drama and potential disease. Spend some time getting to know yourself and develop hobbies and value.

I wish you the best of luck.

[deleted] · 2018-09-14T17:50:27+00:00

Some people in this world will never be happy without an open relationship. It is gaining popularity quickly in the US and becoming a lot less taboo. For some people it works, but for most I have seen it be a total drama fest. I had a guy I was with want the same thing from me when I was in my early 20s. We ended up breaking up not terribly long after because it wasn't an arrangement I wanted and he has cheated on every girlfriend since because of "needing variety". This was a boy I had known since I was 14 too and had no idea when I got into a relationship with him that it was a thing that would come up. It just suddenly did one day and it was heart breaking. Right now he is single and was recently pining online about not being able to find the right girl. I am happily engaged and having my dream wedding in December. At the time of the break up, it sucked a lot but my fiance now is just an all around higher value man than my ex. It can get better but I wouldn't suggest holding onto this relationship unless in your heart you are really okay with him having sex with others...hoping his desire for other women will just dissipate and he will no longer want this kind of arrangement is not particularly realistic.

KittenLoves_ · 2018-09-14T17:27:22+00:00

Open relationships will work if both parties are 100% on board and have agreed to terms that work well for both of them. If you're not 100% on board with the idea, it isn't going to work for you. There will always be resentment, mistrust, and a feeling that he lacks respect for you and your relationship.

Do with this information what you will.

skeleflor · 2018-09-14T18:22:19+00:00

he knows I’m a good woman but feels as though this is something he /needs/ to do.

If he knows you to be a good woman, demand he treat you like one. THAT is something a good man who values a good woman /needs/ to do.

merel-- · 2018-09-14T21:28:27+00:00

Opening up a relationship is a big fucking deal. Communication must be flawless between the two of you, you must have very rigid boundaries with what is allowed and what isn't allowed, you must be EXTREMELY secure in your relationship and you must also enjoy the new way the relationship will be between you. Are you allowed to fuck other people? How will he feel about that? How will you feel when he goes on a date with another woman? What if one of you fall in love with a different person?

I also personally think that the fear of missing out is a pretty shitty reason to open up a relationship...

Friskydisc666 · 2018-09-16T19:03:26+00:00

you need to focus on yourself, yeah it sucks because you've been with him so long and you always want to take care of him... but honestly even though he says he cares about you... does he really? if he's asking about having plates? i think you should TRY to move on for a bit. NUN MODE just keep pushing yourself to be better then ever, the more you work on yourself the more he's going to be interested. I KNOW YOU LOVE HIM AND ITS HARD TO LET GO but start pulling away. I KNOW its stupid to say this because its a shit game but start playing hard to get. MEN WANT WHAT THEY CANT HAVE. If you start going above and beyond to do better for YOURSELF i promise you hes going to regret ever thinking about another woman. Just start finding hobbies you like doing yourself, start going for walks alone (clear your mind too) volunteer, try reaching out to some girls around school. I have been there trust me i think we all have been there and done that... i just hurt for you i really do. Dont be scared to reach out if you're feeling down either, we're only human.

DoctorWelch · 2018-09-14T17:53:34+00:00

If you have only been with him (lost your virginity to him) then he is letting his dick get the best of him. Problem is, it’s so hard to see that the casual sex is empty and boring until you’ve done it a bunch. Even now I’m tempted to want to go back to it even though I know the sex itself isn’t even that good.

If he is already having sex and satisfied in that way with you then it’s more about the chase for him. The sex is nice sure, but it’s more about the ability to lay a girl and have that feeling of accomplishment. Once you actually are in bed having sex you feeling nothing, double so if you’ve been drinking.

If you were with others before him I personally say it’s harder for you to make the argument against him exploring. Even so, I think you have to establish some kind of rule or guideline. Open relationship is a little too far in my opinion. His first priority should be you if you’re going to stay together and be married or whatever else in the future. A good compromise would be this: He must put you first and strive to always do what is best for you and your relationship or kids if you ever have them. In return you will forgive any and all mistakes with other women but you are still allowed to see them as mistakes and be upset by them. If he is putting you and your relationship/marriage/kids first however, you have no grounds for leaving him.

This is in contrast to you having lost your virginity to him and being worthy of saying any and all infidelity is worthy of divorce/break up. If you were a virgin, I would try to talk to him and say you understand but that other dudes are saying he is going to regret potentially ruining a good relationship and future with a rare woman. Because I know, after a few causal sex partners he will realize how pointless and boring it all is and regret screwing things up if he did.

cherryhearts · 2018-09-14T18:45:09+00:00

Ew he's the trashy version of a redpilled man.

controversalbird · 2018-09-14T17:07:40+00:00

In my experience, it just makes them love you even more because you are so awesome for allowing such things. Not many other women are open to such things, so why would they want to lose that?

Alternatively, if you choose not to, it can lead to resentment, bitterness, and losing him. That desire is not going to go away and it can drive people mad.

I've noticed younger people (men and women) who have not been with many sexual partners feel this way. It's something that needs to get out of their system, it's probably biological in many ways (like when you say he needs to do it), that's just how we are programmed. This leads to cheating and other negative behaviors. I see this alot with high school sweethearts (even with kids) that have only been with each other.

Ultimately it is up to you, but I have found great success in it, and conversely my friends that are more traditional have lots of problems (like cheating, breakups, etc).

Title	LTR
Author	ovo_xo_
Upvotes	16
Comments	53
Date	September 14, 2018 4:35 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/9ftjd7/ltr/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/ltr.67616 https://theredarchive.com/post/67616

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