My SO does exciting things with his friends but would rather stay in if it's just the two of us. I feel bad about that. Help?

cats_or_get_out · 2015-11-28T00:56:34+00:00

This is how it is with him. Take it or leave it. Your efforts to "fix it" haven't worked. Now you're trying to make yourself feel okay with not feeling okay.

You're wanting back that new relationship energy (NRE) because it fills a void in you. He wants easy sex, which you eagerly provide 1-3 times per day despite being clearly unhappy with this dynamic. You want him to build you up. You want him to make you feel special. It doesn't work that way.

Work on you. Fix that emptiness in your soul. Your clinginess is no fun. You have to be a content and calm person on your own before you can bring that to a relationship. What do you bring to the table besides sex? Work on that. That is within your control.

radiosilents · 2015-11-28T21:27:22+00:00

I feel like it needs to be said out loud - You mentioned a couple of times that you would suggest a fine idea, he would reject your suggestion, and then he would literally do that exact same activity without you... and that's rude of him. Flat out. Surely he's not so bereft of imagination that he couldn't either A) do something else, B) mention he was planning on doing that (if he, in fact, was) and invite you along, or C) once in a while take one for the team and do the thing with you instead. We're not talking about establishing patterns here, we're talking about an occasional indulgence to maintain his partner's spirits. That absolutely should not be too much to ask.

sugarcrush · 2015-11-28T15:00:13+00:00

I think at this point if you want to go out, you should plan something, invite him, and then go- whether he decides to join or not. If all he says is "come over when you're done", then go out and then go over. Tell him "(event) was really fun, I wish you were there to experience it with me." Then don't mention it again, go about your evening as usual. Maybe he starts to go with you, maybe he doesn't. If he doesn't, then you will have to decide if a lifetime of Netflix and chill is okay with you. Personally, I prefer to go out with my husband on a semi-regular basis. I'm pretty sure there are studies showing that couples who experience new things together have more sex and get divorced less. Getting your adrenaline up and having those bonding experiences are good for you!

catipillar · 2015-11-28T18:28:29+00:00

If I were you and I found this situation occurring, I would do the following:

On one of our "in" nights, I might mention I heard how great X restaurant is, and I am in the mood to go. I would upsell the restaurant and say, "grab your shoes! Let's go! On me!" Then I would get up and get my jacket on, smiling, happy, excited, and enthusiastic.

If he said "no," for whatever odd reason, I would say, "Ok, no worries, babe! I'm going to go check it out. Want to call me tomorrow?"

He would probably say something like, "ah, you're going alone, etc. etc..."

Respond with, "sure, babe, I am in the mood for great food and a new experience, but I see you want to check out the tele. Maybe I'll give Jen a ring or something while I'm there. I'd love you to join me, but your happiness is important to me. Have a good night, sweetheart! I'll call you in the morning!"

And then go. Go out. Enjoy. Dining alone can be an amazingly enriching experience. Don't feel angry. Don't feel resentful. Enjoy yourself, the atmosphere, the lull of muted conversation.

Go home, sleep! Call him in the morning, happy and full of love.

Do this maybe once a week.

Send me an update on the day he says, "oh, what the hell! Let's go!" and he gets up and comes with you.

TempestTcup · 2015-11-28T15:55:27+00:00

What he wants is to have relaxing alone time with you, and that is why he values the relationship you have. He wants to go have fun with his friends, also. It's two different things. His friends provide one thing for him and you provide an equally important but different thing for him. You can't be his entire world and everything to him, but you expect him to be everything to you.

That being said, I can see how being one part of his life can be frustrating, and why not getting to be a part of the "fun" side, and him not wanting to do the fun things with you on a one on one basis is disappointing. He values the evenings you have now over leaving the house and going out when it's just the two of you.

You have to either accept that this is how your relationship is, or you need to make a big decision about how important this is to you, and if this is what you want for the rest of your life. It doesn't sound like it's going to change.

I agree with what others have said about having your own friends to do fun things with. Maybe you can do fun things with friends, and then spend quiet, relaxing, alone time with him. This might be a good compromise.

I think a big part of the problem also might be that you are a different kind of fun than his friends. There is a different energy going places with you than with his friends, and that's why he would rather relax with you and go out with his friends.

*typo

CluelessCat · 2015-11-28T22:33:43+00:00

I don't think the relationship is going to work out. You're always doing what he wants to do, and he won't compromise for you. He'll compromise for his friends, but not you. His girlfriend. The person who should be high on his priority list. If you're unhappy now, have tried to fix the problem while he shrugs his shoulders. He clearly doesn't care. His actions prove that. Leave him and find someone who will put in as much effort as you into the relationship.

always-be-closing · 2015-11-28T00:11:36+00:00

You need to understand male friendship and bonding.

You're absolutely correct in that you do deserve to be a full part of your SO's life, but he's correct in that he wants to have space of his own that doesn't always involve you.

when I try to communicate to him that I think it'd be fun to do something else or that my feelings get hurt if he rejects me for happy hour but does it with his friends, he gets really offended and says I'm not giving him space with his friends

Essentially:

When you tell him that he hurts you because he isn't inviting you along to his barroom male bonding time, he gets defensive because he doesn't want to see his commitment to you meaning that he loses his masculinity and male bonding space.

This is a story as old as time.

From a male perspective - forgive the title----- companionship with a female often comes at a loss of his ability to have companionship with men.

When you've wed the princess and taken your castle and you are King and she is Queen....

....you very often don't get to be the knight who rides out with his lancers and pikemen to fight the hordes and bed wenches and slay dragons.

Most men are more than willing to never have to try and up their game and go look for some girl in a bar ever again.

But they also want to be able to hang out with the guys, and have a male space wherein they can shoot the shit, be foul, unapologetic, and just be grunts.

Do a Google image search for "Soldiers playing cards"

There are people in pantaloons and waistcoats with swords in the 1600s in historical paintings, Russian Imperial troops in the first world war doing this, and US GIs in digital camo somewhere in Afghanistan sitting around doing this.

Men need to be able to compare, contest, and encourage their own masculinity in groups - it is how the male figures out where he stands, what he's accomplished, who his rivals are, and who his role models are.

You know what they do to the worst of the hardened criminals they want to break in prison? The treatment they're given that crushes them, that some countries consider torture?

They make them feel lonely.

They put them in solitary and don't let them preen, interact with other inmates, bust balls, talk to anyone - and it works; it is brutal.

The dick measuring contests didn't stop after the middle school locker room.

When men hang out, the conversation turns to cars, guns, booze, money, and women - - who has the most, the best, done the greatest, and has the most access.

Men respond positively to this; promotions in a company and promotions in a company; in the office ,and in the barracks, with titles and accolades and medals in everything from earning the firm more money or clients to having killed many enemy soldiers and saved allied ones.

Doership, exaggeration of doership, comparison and boasting and policing and encouraging each other's masculinity is why guys like hanging out with other guys.

It is exciting for them, it is cultivating a feeling of being close to danger, having people you can rely on, and adventure that motivates the well to do tweed clad hunting party of the old English gentry and the pub crawl of the working class Liverpudlian factory men.

This and no less, is what your boyfriend things he's going to lose when you come at him with:

"You hurt me when you don't invite me out to do exciting things with your friends" (and I won't feel less hurt until I'm there), is what he hears.

He knows, by the way, that your presence totally complicates things.

Can he talk about his past sexual history with you there?

Can he brag about the first girl he banged? Can he say the filthy exaggerated sexual shit guys regale each other with, one up each other with?

Can he posture? Can he be the dick-swinging muscled forearm ape every man likes to pretend he is from time to time?

Can he be loud and crass and unrefined? Can he say ridiculous shit?

Can he do that with his girl there?

Because this guy can't really live like this guy

And men, by and large, though they do want this life want to at least be from time to time, able to act and be seen acting like they live this one

There is a duality to men's nature - - - just as over on TRP, you'll hear endless, endless talking about women's hyperpgamous desires being codified as wanting 'alpha fucks - beta bucks' out of two classes of men - - - men also, by and large, want to be the King-Father, the man in the Castle, the Lord and master of lands, with many children.......they just also want to be the Ronin, the Gunslinger, the drifter, the knight-errant.

This is basically where your SO's head is at.

So when you say "Hey it hurts me that you don't invite me out when you go do cool stuff with your friends" his anger is not actually anger, it's profound defensiveness.

And it's not without merit!

A lot of the resentment men have over partnerships is that they tend to break a lot of the independence that they had cultivated (and often what women found attractive about them in the first place) over a long time.

A man very rarely bothers speaking to or hanging out with men he doesn't particularly care for, very rarely for the sake of social grace, puts effort into cultivating friendships. Their friends are largely created by circumstances, and held on to by mutual acceptance and loyalty.

On the extreme end of things, the platoon buddies who still meet up for drinks decades on because they were assigned to the same unit and lived through a war together.

On the other end of things, two guys who a computer said were roommates ages ago, can be the best of friends because they were told "Hey, you're gonna live with this guy now." and they decided 'fuck it, let's bro out'.

You've said it yourself:

I obviously really like him, but I'm scared he doesn't like me as much. When he does provide reassurance, I feel better, and I try to remind myself he likes me because we at least sleep over every day, he calls me to talk every morning when we drive to work, and we're pretty much in constant communication. He is really honest and tells me who girls are when they hit him up, even if I might not like the answer. He would never cheat, and has made sacrifices for our relationship.

Yet I'm still insecure that he doesn't like me as much as I like him- and maybe it's true that I like him more, but sometimes I worry how much less it is on his end.

This guy is trying, you just need to make it obvious to him what you'd appreciate.

I want to spend a night just us two doing something that's not in his bed. Is this something that other couples do or don't do?

It is, and this is why your feelings aren't unwarranted.

He will also say things like "yeah I want to do something exciting with the guys tonight and I know if I hang out with you we'll be doing the same old bars. that doesn't mean I want to do something exciting every night. most nights I really do just want to lay low with you"

that is frustrating to hear because he associated me with the "same old", which is exactly what I am trying to avoid, and my feelings aren't hurt that he enjoys laying low with me, it's that when the mood does strike him to do something exciting, it only happens with his friends and not me.

Tell him this

And don't tell him it in a whining way, or a demanding way - - - I realize, you are not going to go into it by stamping your feet and raising your voice and crying when you tell him, but try to not have this conversation when you two are already in a disagreement about how he spends his time.

Try to have this conversation when things are going well; propose a wine/beer tasting event, perhaps.

Also, don't try to replicate what he's doing with his male friends.

You can't be one of his male friends and he doesn't want you to be one of them, either.

fhigurethisout · 2015-11-28T06:51:50+00:00

You NEED to drop this subject and fix your attitude before you annoy the crap out of him. From your post, it really sounds like he's annoyed by you and is seeing this behaviour as bratty/ungrateful. It will make him even more reluctant to take you out. Does that sound unfair? Yes? Good. Because this is red pill women, and we know 'equal relationships' don't exist and that women's incessant need for special attention can tear relationships apart.

This is your current attitude: "He isn't meeting my needs perfectly nor taking me out for fun special dates, so i'm going to be upset, insecure, and punish him with my unhappiness" (our engrained entitlement mindset that many of us women need to fight and learn to overcome. I.e, "the princess")

This is the attitude you should have: "Wow we spend every day together and have great sex. I want to work hard and be an awesome person for him and thank him in small ways for this great relationship; maybe I'll pick up some beer for him and his friends the next time they go out!" (attitude of gratitude!!!)

You are right, you are blowing this out of proportion, and you need to put your energy elsewhere...(unless you decide you need a more beta male who you can whip to your command, and who will bend over backwards to take you on special dates...but it's most likely that you won't be attracted to him....)

" ...but I can tell I stress him out when I try to communicate this issue to him"

This issue has slowly crept up on you, and unfortunately you are digging yourself deeper and deeper by being so emotionally involved in this affair. The first time you noticed it happening, you were upset and communicated your feelings.

All he heard from your feelings was: "You do fun things with your friends and no fun things with me" aka, "even though i see you every day, I need better quality of attention from you. This relationship is not up to my standards."

while he's thinking: "god, I see her every night and we have sex all the time. What more does she want? i can't please her. I like chilling and watching netflix, I thought she liked it too because she always agrees and even has loads of sex with me when we do!!! doesn't that mean she's into it?"

Yes, this whole time, your ACTIONS (men are ACTION based) have told him that you LIKE doing this. But your feelings say another thing. (if you re-read your post, this is your contradiction..you say you like it, but you clearly want something more). That is frustrating for men!

And yes, look...it just screams "princess that can't be pleased" when you get upset for your partner not planning special dates with you. Especially when you're saying yes and having sex during netflix and chill routine, which he seems to like.

So, now there's only one thing you can do: support him, genuinely. Listen to what he did and smile. Take joy that he's living life despite his busy schedule, and be grateful that he returns to you to share all of this with.

Funny enough, once he feels that you support him enjoying his life (which you don't right now. yes, I know you claim that you do, but the fact that you are whining about lack of dates just shows you are insecure that he plans 'cooler things' with his dude friends), he'll probably want to take you out more to experience fun things with you. No guarantee, but a possibility.

Also, when he sees that _too_entitled is enjoying HER life and doing cool things, where she isn't being upset about him going out without her, he will remember why he asked her to be his girlfriend in the first place. :)

arobotspointofview · 2015-11-28T02:55:11+00:00

I'm recently divorced, but the dynamic you describe between you and your boyfriend sound exactly the same as what was happening with my ex wife.

There were specific activities we would do together. Usually watching movies, going to the same bars and doing most of the same boring things. I enjoyed spending time with her, but it was very compartmentalized and required me to shut off and disregard any other desires I had to do other fun things with friends. I saw spending time with her as necessary maintenance required to maintain the relationship. It was kind of a chore actually and soon resentment started to build up.

It got to the point, where whenever I was with her I was thinking of a million other more fun things I would rather be doing.

My ex wife was very controlling. She had almost no life of her own and relied completely on me for every emotional need. At the same time, I liked being controlled. I wanted it for some reason and allowed myself to be sucked in even though it fostered resentment.

I'm currently seeing a therapist to help me avoid being drawn to this kind of relationship again.

From what you describe, it sounds like you are a bit needy and possibly controlling, but at the same time - he's drawn to that. Not a healthy dynamic and I don't think you two can last much longer in this arrangement. You're both going to start resenting each other.

Madisonsavenue_ · 2015-11-29T01:20:52+00:00

I'm new to red pill theory so I'm not sure my advise will be exactly what you're looking for. However, my relationship is very similar to this as far as watching Netflix and staying in a lot of the time.

What I think is you're making too big of a deal out of this. It sounds like you're into the "second stage" of dating. You want it to be like it was when your first got together. I went through this too. I wanted him to want to hang out more the way he did at first, I felt he was getting tired of seeing me or when I'd ask if we could do something he'd respond with "I don't care." When I told him I felt he was losing interest, he said that it's not that he doesn't want to see me, but he's not going to beg me to come over. We're both committed to each other and he knows even if we don't see each other every day we'll still be okay.

Be thankful that you've moved past the phase of constantly having to impress him and past being in the honeymoon part of your relationship. Don't wish for him to take you places and impress you. I'll admit that him going with his friends somewhere that you wanted to go is really rude of him to do, but don't take it too personally. He sees you as someone that he can relax with after a long day not someone to go places with. You've kind of made it that this way though because you don't defend yourself after you tell him how you feel.

I think if you want to do stuff with him other than lay in bed think of simple things. I like an earlier comment that suggested asking him to accompany you somewhere and if he doesn't want to then go without him and go to his place after. I do something similar to this, I'll get off work some days and want to do some shopping. So I'll call my boyfriend and see if he wants to come with me to keep me company then we go to his place after. It's simple things like this that I think will get you guys out and about without it seeming like you're really doing something amazing and exciting every time you go out. This might make him start to want to do more stuff outside of his house with you.

Don't expect him to always want to do things because to him you're the person he can count on to help him unwind. Don't cater to his every need and try to suggest small things that he can do with you every once in a while. Make sure you let him know he's not obligated to come with but that you'd really love it if he did. Love him, find the good things in your relationship, and talk to him about what you want. Sometimes it's good to stay in and do nothing, others you and him need to go out with him. Be willing to compromise and don't make such a big deal out of it. I wish you guys the best of luck (:

MentORPHEUS · 2015-11-29T03:15:19+00:00

Tl;dr Been delivering Netflix & Chill but I'm really a Hulu & Commitment type of gal. Now unhappy, what do?

This is an easier situation to prevent than to change once established. Since you are not officially cohabitating, you might be spending 1-3 nights a week at your own place anyway. Not as a punishment, but where possible coinciding with his busiest nights of the week. On these "off days" make sure you are fulfilling as many of your own goals and needs as you can. Then during the 4-6 together days a week, there's a better focus on quality time as a couple. By not approaching it from a position of need for so much of your fulfillment from him, it might set the stage for a wider roster of activities you end up sharing.

If you're not approaching from a needy/clingy/demanding position and he never offers you more than a plate-like existence together, it's time to reconsider if this is the right Captain for you. Good luck.

Eterfinifrete · 2015-11-29T15:09:32+00:00

You're getting a lot of good advice already, and I especially agree with all those who've said you should try and go out more with your girlfriends -- that would probably take a lot of pressure off of your relationship, making you both much happier and more relaxed!

Some other thoughts, though...is your guy under pressure from his friends to hang out with them, maybe the way they used to hang out "in the old days" when he was single? Is he feeling like he has to "prove" to them that he's still free and fun and can go out and party with them? Does he maybe also want to prove to himself that he isn't tied to your apron strings? That might explain why he's going out with them so much and then needing time to rest and relax with you. It sounds like you're both pretty young, is this his first serious relationship?

I guess I mean, this might be a phase that he needs to go through and possibly you can wait it out. I'd suggest taking it easy on him, going out with your girlfriends and letting him have his guy time.

TempestTcup · 2015-11-28T16:05:41+00:00

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