So..How do you make a man improve himself without nagging him?

nspikeu · 2016-12-10T10:00:47+00:00

Usually when a person comes at this topic with that perspective it's a sign that a good look in the mirror is in order. Not to mention your questions seem like a sign of a more complicated problem.

Fix your attitude and focus on improving yourself. It's too easy to sit back and write 'tons of men' off. Nagging exacerbates the problem, you can't control people. Period.

TheRedStoic · 2016-12-10T15:29:19+00:00

As a cautionary, if one person is a lazy failure, they're the problem.

If most of the people you're dating are lazy failures, you're the problem.

Even making the massive unrealistic assumption that what you've said is true, the onus is on you to vet differently and change your proximity to more successful people. You can't control others, only you.

A critical look in the mirror would probably answer why you have the perspective and experience you do.

Panasas · 2016-12-10T06:46:21+00:00

That's not really a man thing. It sounds more like a lazy person thing. Also, you can't make people improve themselves. The closest you can maybe get is to inspire them and support them, but if you can't accept someone the way they are then that relationship is going to be very difficult indeed.

MsSadieDunham · 2016-12-10T09:58:19+00:00

Should you just leave him?

Yes. You aren't going to change him and you can either accept him and as he is or leave. I'm not saying he's the best or right for not changing, I'm merely stating your options.

there are plenty of men who will barely do anything unless you nag them

Let me ask you, who gets to decide what the bare minimum is? Who gets to decide what the maximum is? You? Who put you in charge? What makes you so great and smart that you know exactly how much effort each person in a relationship should be seeing forth?

These questions are posed not to attack you but rather to cause you to see the error in your thinking. Just because a man has a different way of thinking /acting/approaching a subject or problem than you doesn't make him lazy or putting up minimal effort. This view you have is a very judgemental one and all cause you to keep score in your relationship.

In not saying that some guys are just lazy a-holes. I am saying that many good ones get unfair labels.

HobbesTheBrave · 2016-12-10T11:26:36+00:00

if a guy says he is going to improve himself in certain ways, and you give him adequate time to do these things, but he continually fails, then what is the procedure then? Should you just leave him? Because otherwise, you're just unhappy.. and this leads to nagging, right?

Leave him.

I wouldn't hesitate to leave a girl who wants help, but doesn't do her own work in helping herself. If you want help from me, but you do not do your own part in making yourself greater, then I'm wasting my time on you. And if you do work and time in cheerleading him, but he doesn't work himself, your work in in him is wasted.

JackGetsIt · 2016-12-10T16:15:54+00:00

there are plenty of men who will barely do anything unless you nag them

I'm going to give you a little secret. Men don't really mind nagging per say. It's actually kind of cute at times. In a way a nag is a good thing. It's an attempt at communication instead of passive aggressiveness or cheating. What we don't like is full time emotional torture that many women are capable of inflicting.

Mencken said it best

A woman, if she hates her husband (and many of them do), can make life so sour and obnoxious to him that even death upon the gallows seems sweet by comparison. This hatred, of course, is often, and perhaps almost invariably, quite justified. To be the wife of an ordinary man, indeed, is an experience that must be very hard to bear.

Listen. Here's the problem. There are three types of women (I have yet to meet a women that doesn't nag).

Rare naggers.
Stress naggers.
Full time naggers.

Rare naggers must at all costs find good men to be in their lives because if they get attached to a lazy douche bag then they will just wallow and become miserable. I've noticed that these women show their emotional distress in other places: eating, cheating, outbursts, etc.

Stress naggers need to meditate and become more aware of their nagging so that they don't sabotage their relationship by falling into a nag cycle. You nag him once because it's a tough situation. He hates it, doesn't feel supported by you, resents you, shuts down. More stress occurs, you nag more, he shuts down more, etc. until failure of relationship becomes inevitable. These types of women need to find men that are 'comforters' men that might tell little white lies during times of stress to get you through.

Full time naggers are the worse because even if their Captain improves they become accustomed to the new improved lifestyle provided by the Captain and instead of being satisfied just continue to nag until the next level is achieved. Thus slowly wearing down even the strongest man. These are women that go through 4 or 5 divorces and don't seem to understand why they are alone.

So the key to 'getting a guy to do what you want' is to first ID a guy with good traits in the first place and be a full time supporter and a 'rare' nagger. In addition, practice gratitude every step of the way.

One more note: I'm sure there are some readers who are asking. "Oh crap. I'm a full time nagger. Am I doomed?" No. You are not young lady. Full time naggers need to do two things: find very very dominant men and set very clear expectations about what they want in relationships. What goals will they be 'content' with and share those goals very very clearly with everyone. Full time naggers may never become rare naggers but with very clear expectations and achievable goals they can aspire to simply shift too stress nagging. My experience is that full time naggers actually seek out submissive men but this ends up being very very unsatisfying in the long run...

liberamentis · 2016-12-10T06:46:03+00:00

If a man will only do the bare minimum in life without being nagged then that man is not a captain.

Willow-girl · 2016-12-10T15:37:09+00:00

Yup!

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. How would you feel if your man started telling you that you need to lose weight, do something different with your hair or find a better job? Would that make you want to run right out and improve yourself? Or would you feel disrespected and resentful?

There is no good way to tell someone to shape up, IMO. Love him or leave him!

ThirdEyeSqueegeed · 2016-12-10T15:18:14+00:00

You can't make someone 'improve' if they don't want to. I've said many times that the vast majority of men are not driven and ambitious. It's not the default setting of men and without incentives they/we aren't going to do it.

What exactly is he doing wrong in your eyes, and how would you like to see that change?

thinkreate · 2016-12-10T15:27:41+00:00

It is often said that people don't change; this is only partly correct. People can change, but only if they want to. It doesn't sound like the individual you are seeing, is interested in change. If I were in your shoes, I'd tell him that there are a list of things that you need to be happy in the relationship. Either he is serious enough about the relationship to make changes, or you should part company. That being said, if you are willing to give him a chance to change, significant change doesn't happen over night.

Madcuz · 2016-12-10T17:53:11+00:00

I think yes you leave him if he did not live up to expectations after sufficient time. Otherwise it opens you up for him to possibly exploit, if he is that kind of man. He may exploit you without knowing it. Leave him find omeone else he may just come crawling back but will he be improved by then? upto you to gauge that. You might have found someone better by then. Don't settle yet. Keep searching! Try new places. Enjoy life even if you are single, there i much to enjoy before you find the one..

pewpsprinkler · 2016-12-11T01:20:39+00:00

Incentives.

Stop using sticks and start using carrots.

RubyWooToo · 2016-12-12T15:52:35+00:00

If you're unhappy with your man as he is then find someone else.

You can't change or control another person; you only have control over yourself.

onacasserole · 2016-12-12T19:03:34+00:00

For one thing you stop dating fixer upper type guys. Date men who you like "as is", not who you might like if they address a laundry list of items. You can't make someone change and you shouldn't be in charge of someone else's (especially a man's) development and improvement.

You've repeatedly said you think the issue is your location. If this is actually true, and you have no fault in any of this, move. People move from areas without good jobs to larger areas with more options all the time. That's not an insane thing to do if marriage or a LTR is important to you.

I would like to point out though, that you do seem pretty unwilling to admit any personal responsibility in this and your reaction to most of the responses is essentially, "no, you're wrong". If this is your response to anonymous comments when you're actively asking for advice I can imagine how this would translate to your ability to snag a high quality Captain-material man. It seems more like you wanted everyone to tell you that you're right and the guys where you are suck than any actual active advice. In short, look at the common denominators.

Mentathiel · 2016-12-12T20:16:53+00:00

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VM1UA0pCMQ

rainyweathergirl · 2016-12-13T03:08:54+00:00

I think this sub advises against dating men who are lazy and unmotivated in the first place. With these men you can't really have a red pill dynamic because they are not captains.

izactuallydolan · 2016-12-26T14:56:06+00:00

Many women want to do the minimum, too. Go to cosmetology school or just let a man solve all their problems.

Nagging never works. If you don't respect someone you shouldn't be with them.

Title	So..How do you make a man improve himself without nagging him?
Author	Waterboo2
Upvotes	10
Comments	49
Date	December 10, 2016 6:36 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/5hiwdt/sohow_do_you_make_a_man_improve_himself_without/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/sohow-do-you-make-a-man-improve-himself-without.86714 https://theredarchive.com/post/86714

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