Update to previous thread

win_chelchel895 · 2017-08-23T16:34:53+00:00

Tough love time--You're saying you don't care about these things but you actually do. I.e. they're all dark brown, too big, ugly etc. You're being passive in hopes that you don't get invested and if you drag your feet enough then maybe it won't actually be "your home". It's time to wake up. You decided to move in with him under pressure and that was your decision. Now you're acting like a petulant child who didn't get her way so you're refusing to do any of the mental work in preparing (picking out furniture, emotionally investing etc.).

This is going to end as a self-fulfilling prophesy if you keep this attitude up. Who wants an uncooperative wife? No one. Living together is usually not recommended, but marriage can still be the outcome from it. You're making this harder on yourself, and your relationship. Either change your attitude, or don't move in together. I can guarantee you if this is the way you're going to act every time you don't get your way. There definitely will be no proposal.

melodramaticminx · 2017-08-23T19:03:44+00:00

You are acting like a spoiled brat instead of an adult woman. If moving in together is a deal breaker, then don't. You decided to break your rule of not living together before marriage, but now you are making him pay for it. It is petulant and passive aggressive, and you are only hurting yourself by agreeing to buy furnishings that you hate. If you continue to act this way, he will certainly rethink marriage.

RubyWooToo · 2017-08-24T12:25:03+00:00

I'm not going to pray for you because this is a situation that is completely within your control.

If you're religious and if you feel like living him is an intolerable compromise of your values, then you shouldn't do it! Maybe he will change his mind; if not, then maybe you're fundamentally incompatible and shouldn't be together anyway.

But if you're going to move in with him, cut out the cranky, mopey, passive-aggressive nonsense and fully embrace it. Pick out the furniture you want, and make it a beautiful, warm and loving home that you will both want to come home to every night.

teaandtalk · 2017-08-23T23:13:11+00:00

Lucky for him, sounds like he'll realise that his girlfriend is passive aggressive & childish before he proposes.

You're not acting like wife material, you're acting like a child who isn't getting what she wants and is determined not to enjoy anything.

Pink_182 · 2017-08-23T21:36:53+00:00

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I think you're acting a bit childish here. You let him pick everything, but then are visibly upset by it. If you want to contribute to the discussion on what to get, then do it. If you aren't going to contribute an opinion, then don't just put a happy face on, be happy.

You can't have your cake and eat it too. You agreed to move in, so you need to actually try and make it work.

Xoramung · 2017-08-24T01:48:36+00:00

Pray for me if you're religious.

Yeah ok. What do you expect to happen? that everything slides over smoothly right? No pain no gain as they say, i will pray for the right thing to happen. whatever that is.

Blackhawk2479 · 2017-08-23T16:23:58+00:00

1) Are you moving into his place or have you chosen somewhere new together?

2) Who is paying for all these furnishings?

The answers to those two questions need to be shared first to provide some perspective. I also find it interesting you claim not to care about decorations or the couch but then state you don't like his choices.

I went back through your previous thread and noted you were keen to marry because you wanted the status and legal benefits that came with it.

What do you think he will be getting out of the deal?

rpwtoss · 2017-08-23T19:35:23+00:00

I'm relatively new to this sub (and just created a separate account so I could post), but I thought I might be able to contribute a different perspective for you (in terms of positives).

For starters, I agree with what someone else already mentioned- traditionally people didn't move in with each other until they were married, but they were also waiting until they moved in together to have sex. If you're already sleeping together, living together (or not) in terms of cows and milk is sort of a moot point, in my opinion. (Sure, if you take over all the house keeping and laundry and dishes and cooking and whatever duties, it's a different story- but if you're splitting all of that, then you're getting even more of the time spent together and emotional connection that women tend to crave.)

But more importantly, living together gives you both the opportunity to decide if a committed relationship will work long-term. It's easier to tell what a person is really like when you're spending more time with them. Sure, it gives him a chance to decide if he wants to marry you- but it gives you the same opportunity.

It also gives you a chance to prove that you're worth the commitment. You get to show off your home-keeping skills and highlight all the benefits to keeping you around long-term- by actually showing those things rather than just talking about them.

In terms of furnishings and decor for the apartment- I'd go in with the assumption that you are going to eventually get the commitment you're wanting- and I'd help with choices accordingly. It's unlikely that you're going to get married and then replace all of the furniture you've just purchased- so the stuff you're bringing in now will likely be your furniture for the next 5-10+ years. That means that sulking now just assures you that you're going to be stuck with things you don't love for the next half a decade plus.

Depending on your current living situation, you may also be getting an upgrade in terms of location, or a lower cost of living, etc. If your guy is currently paying for most of your meals out, he's potentially getting the added benefit of money saved if you eat at home more often- which means y'all could save up and potentially go on more vacations (win-win!).

And finally, it sounds like he is moving forward in terms of commitment and really trying to take steps forward to building a life with you. He's not moving you in to his current apartment- he's trying to work with you to create a new home for both of you. That's wonderful, too!

girlwithabike · 2017-08-24T01:30:23+00:00

If you don't want to live with him then dont. If you sound the same IRL as you do in your comments, the relationship isn't going to last anyway. If he's worth it, then get your head on straight and treat him like he's worth it. You keep saying that you resent it and that sounds like the beginning of the end of a relationship. You also keep saying you compromise on a lot but it's unclear to me what all you compromised on. I hear a lot of unhealthy emotions in your post (anger, resentment) yet you describe him as a guy who is excited (though cautious) to take the next step.

Maybe this isn't the case but you reeeeally sound like you are upset you didn't get your way and that's not an attitude to build a marriage on. And if that isn't it, and not living together is a fundamental value, then it's probably not healthy to compromise on that point. Best to find someone who shares your values and move on from this guy who does not.

And for the record, I lived with my husband for several years before we got married. We still ended up married. I wouldn't have moved in together if I didn't think we were on that path but the years living together made me feel confident we were right for each other after the initial infatuation. Moreover I believe he needed that time to feel sure we were right together and I cannot find it in my heart to fault him for needing that given the way marriage can be for men these days.

Limeycat · 2017-08-26T22:41:20+00:00

I'm going to chip in here as another Asian woman who was previously against the idea of cohabitation before engagement or marriage.

I met my Captain less than a year ago and instantly realised there was something different about him. He had played the field for about a decade and wasn't looking for a relationship, but within days he decided it was what he wanted with me.

We lived some distance apart and couldn't stand being away from each other, so we moved in together less than 6 months into the relationship. He, like your partner, does not believe in marriage before living together. As soon as we moved in, I became very inclined to agree. There are many couples who've made marriage work without prior cohabitation, but in our view it's been a great way to learn about the idiosyncrasies of each other before committing to something as financially- and emotionally-costly as marriage.

By being relatively relaxed and happy about living together before marriage, he has seen that we complement each other well. He has since given me a concrete timeline for engagement and we are currently looking to buy a property of our own.

In this day and age, it is unusual for a man to commit to marrying a woman without having first lived with her. It does not necessarily mean you aren't 'good enough'. He is probably being pragmatic. What will make him refuse to marry you is if you behave coldly or apathetically as a result of your choice to move in.

As for parents - mine were mildly aghast at how fast we were proceeding, but it didn't last long once they saw how serious, pragmatic (but still romantic) my partner is about our relationship and our future together. If your parents are really going to disown you for moving in with your partner, then they are probably doing you a favour by freeing you from their controlling ways.

Have a think about it, and best of luck!

crushedants · 2017-08-23T16:26:50+00:00

I think this is wise in this day and age. Marriage can be gotten out of so easily, that marriage itself is not a protection. Only the truth about your base compatibility is a protection.

In a different time, you had support from your community, and marriage wasn't easy to leave. Now marrying without living together is trying to have an aspect of the past without the supporting structure.

azngirl7689 · 2017-08-23T20:29:43+00:00

I think I'm punishing myself for agreeing to move in by letting him furnish the place with shit I hate. Self hatred of a sort?

oasie · 2017-08-23T22:08:11+00:00

Walk away from this man. I mean it.

Title	Update to previous thread
Author	azngirl7689
Upvotes	11
Comments	45
Date	August 23, 2017 3:37 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/6vjrst/update_to_previous_thread/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/update-to-previous-thread.73330 https://theredarchive.com/post/73330

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