Waiting

Wife_and_Mama · 2023-04-12T17:58:30+00:00

We need more information about your agreement. Did the two of you clearly state that you planned to get engaged once he finished his master's? If so, you've said he doesn't have it yet. Your mother's advice to stop playing wife doesn't really make much sense if you're just making him welcome in your apartment and doing nice things for him.

StrangestUnicorn · 2023-04-12T17:40:06+00:00

He gave you his timeline, which is summer, to which you agreed and he has not shown any intention to break this agreement.

I always thought he would propose with a few months to spare

Has he told you that this is his plan as well? If not, this is a covert contract, and you should not be upset if he does not fulfill it.

My Mother advised me to stop playing wife for him. Let him buy the cow first and all that. That was 6 months ago. I stopped making breakfast or welcoming him home as a king.

This is very counter productive. Such retaliation would be justified if he were to break the agreement. He has not.

You have so many covert contracts. "If he truly loves me, he will propose sooner that the agreed upon timeline" and "He does not propose because he is getting milk for free" are two that stick out the most. It does not appear to me that he has done anything to suggest he does not take marriage seriously. You are the one setting covert expectations, and then sabotaging the relationship when these expectations are not met.

I think you should make an update post here after the summer, once he is done with school and you have a ring, and all this will look very silly to you.

idontlikecockroaches · 2023-04-12T20:10:31+00:00

Oh man, I feel you. It's no fun to feel like the future is uncertain, especially when you've been in the relationship for 7 years already. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to want some more clarification on where the trajectory is headed.

When does he graduate? Summer is only a few months away. It sounds like you're doing a great job working to make yourself the best version of you you could ever be, is there away way you could just put the whole idea of marriage/proposal out of your mind and continue to make yourself the best version of you that you could be? If you have both agreed to look at marriage once he has his masters, why not wait until then. Give him some time, like others have said, he is probably bogged down with graduate work.

He could be planning something without you even knowing it. He probably wants to make you happy and feel over the moon, but he won't feel like he was the one who did this if you keep pushing him into it. I would also highly recommend against listening to all of the outside noise from his brother, your mom, etc. The relationship and marriage will be between the two of you, and they are probably projecting their own ideas onto your relationship.

Jenneapolis · 2023-04-12T23:31:55+00:00

As others said, it’s a very bad move to withhold affection in the time period right before you both agreed he will propose. If you agreed on the summer and he is thinking about and planning on it, the worst thing you could do is give him any reason to doubt his decision. He’s not going to be thinking about how great your life was years ago, he will think about how his life is now when he is deciding to propose or not.

There is no reason to withhold affection. If you’ve decided to leave him, just leave. Withholding is just letting a relationship, die a slow death. It has never motivated a man to change.

ivysaurah · 2023-04-12T19:38:39+00:00

You changing your behavior, likely one of the reasons he loves you as a man, is bizarre to me. Very counterproductive. Also do not let outsiders into your relationship like this. Airing your dirty laundry like this poisons the well and you can see what it’s doing to you: creating unnecessary anxiety and placing your relationship under stress.

The time in which he agreed to marry you has not passed yet. You stated yourself he was working on something that literally kept him up all night. When is he planning this early proposal? Have some empathy and understanding. No one can read your mind. Once the agreed upon timeframe passes, then you can have a frank discussion as you are getting older and realistically, if you two want children, you should start soon as a woman or else fertility complications may arise.

But that time hasn’t come yet. Support him through the storm. He clearly is working hard to ensure the woman he loves a solid future. Stop telling family how disappointed you are, it’s a bad trait for a wife to have. Don’t let other people make judgements and give advice on your relationship when he has to go sit down to dinner with them for holidays. That wouldn’t feel good if it was done to you, would it?

Take a breath. Wait. It sounds like he’s the kind of man who keeps his promises. He can’t help that you suddenly want a secret, uncommunicated alteration to that agreement.

Ok_Communication_199 · 2023-04-12T18:17:50+00:00

This man is busy with a whole thesis and she wants to add a marriage to his worries, are you kidding me?

Alt-acct123 · 2023-04-12T17:50:49+00:00

He doesn’t respect you enough to talk to you about your concerns for the future. That doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship to me. I’d force a serious conversation and have him answer you point blank when he plans to propose. If he has zero plans after seven years, knowing you want to get married, don’t waste anymore time on him.

Such_Beginning_1629 · 2023-04-13T11:02:05+00:00

Many asked for clarification:

He stated the „we get married the moment I have my Masters.“ As in signing the papers. Getting married in a courthouse needs to be booked at least 6 months in advance. The deadline for this already passed in January. There are no more free slots.
Here I have to give the official last name when registering my intention to do the Ph.D. , no nome de plume allowed. As it stands now with the delay, I will need to hyphenate, which we wanted to avoid.

he is probably bogged down with graduate work.

He has his Final exam in 3 weeks and a presentation this week. He is well prepared for both. He does not attend other seminaries, lectures or panels.

Marriage is a major life event. Given that he is already busy with work and school, it is fair to assume that he does not have much mental bandwidth for the engagement and wedding planning at the moment.

I get that. And I asked him back then to consider it but he pressed for wedding directly after obtaining his degree. We wanted a court house wedding, with a big meal afterwards for friends and family.

Your mother's advice to stop playing wife doesn't really make much sense if you're just making him welcome in your apartment and doing nice things for him.

I run most of the errands, keep the home, make all the meals and attend any and all university/job related occasions he wants me to. I did a lot of official errands for him, spend tons of time driving him or his paperwork to and fro. The week before Christmas I rushed to have important things for his work printed. As I did several times before. I work freelance too.
At the moment I just do the flat and the meals, most days I make slightly more so he can take it along. I do not cook separately for his breakfast/lunch anymore. I also do laundry only three times a week, if he has things that he needs urgently he has to inform me in time or do it himself.

I think you should make an update post here ~~after the summer, once he is done with school~~ and you have a ring, and all this will look very silly to you.

Nothing would make me happier.

AutoModerator · 2023-04-12T16:48:26+00:00

Title: Waiting

Full text: Me f29 him m28 together for 7 years. Sex life ok but room for improvement.

Exactly one year ago my SO registered to finish his Master thesis. He will finish this summer. We always planned to marry once he has his Masters as he is eligible for a very nice sum during his studies if not married/in a Life-Companionship.

I always thought he would propose with a few months to spare, setting up a wedding takes time even if we just sign the papers.
During Fall I was hopeful. My Family got excited for Christmas season. No ring, nothing. His Family got excited for February. No, nothing happened. In March he got the good news he has passed the thesis and just needs to do the oral exam. Unless he totally flunks it he has his Masters safe.

His mother and I talked about rings. I confessed my love for amethyst. She asked me what is going on - I told her about my hopes and she told me she does not understand him. He supposedly loves me so much and we talked about marriage years ago. (7 year relationship, our anniversary was in December)

I work on a freelance basis and do my dissertation, he has a job that pays well but is 2/3rd Time.
Our sex life suffered through his thesis as he turned into a night owl. I always prepared breakfast for him. I also made sure to make him feel welcome in my flat (we live in my flat mostly, as his is tiny and I have a flat that within walking distance to the campus and has a balcony). We wanted to search a flat for US once engaged…

My Mother advised me to stop playing wife for him. Let him buy the cow first and all that. That was 6 months ago. I stopped making breakfast or welcoming him home as a king. I got involved in new hobbies and spend the days becoming amazing. I am currently cleaning up my eating and lost 2kg already. I still love him but my brain says I am wasting my time…

His brother was against me from the get go. He foolishly thought I had a thing for industrial workers and only that made me fall for my SO. Coupled with his assumption I would be a gold digger. Yes, SO working a blue collar job and doing secondary schooling to attend university made me proud of him - but that has nothing to do with me being a gold digger or just loving him for his former job. Maybe his brother put thoughts into his head?

I tried to talk with my SO but he told me to stop asking. Without explanation and just that. He tells me he loves me, wants to start a life together…

I know I am not perfect. But no one is and I am very much doing my best.

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MorningFormal · 2023-04-12T23:47:40+00:00

Im only speculating and I am a female. Just a thought, as someone who is about to graduate and is under tremendous pressure to succeed myself, in a masters program. I am so stressed out from all the work, while also working full time as an analyst (I have the kind of job that is fast paced all day everyday and also a mistake can cost the company thousands of dollars), and school there's not a lot of time to think about the bigger picture. I am so focused on graduating and have fear of failure, I am not able to think about anything else. This has even lead to some stress induced health problems as im 5 weeks away from graduation as of today and at the same time I have to see a radiologist on friday to find out if I will need digestive surgery from the stress. I don't know what his situation is but sometimes I'm under so much pressure I just want to hide somewhere and cry if I dont get a perfect grade, because I know I can't make less then a b. At the same time, im the type of person who nobody really sees the stress im under, and im aleays taking care of other people. So, it could be that he doesn't have room on his plate to do things that way he wants to, like spending the time to find the perfect ring, or planning a wedding. He may also have a fear in the back of his mind that what if he doesnt succeed or that he needs to feel like he had something to offer you. It may be that he wants to graduate then walk down that path with you. Personally I couldn't imagine my partner adding more pressure like that to me right now. Even though he may not even realize the stress taking on a masters program has been. Also if I could go back i probably wouldn't have even done masters if I knew how hard it would be. I hope everything works out how you want. Even if things don't, realize that if you have a good heart and be good to people things work out for the best. And if he's not the one, there's billions of other men that would probably be honored to have you. Marriage also isn't everything, I was married for eight years and things changed for the worst after the marriage happened. I think some people feel trapped or start to resist when marriage happens and a good thing can turn bad. I hope he does propose to you, you sound like a nice person.

2023-04-13T10:48:18+00:00

I don’t think your mothers advice is great… your not “playing wife” your being nice and making your partner feel welcome, which should be a given IMO.

Regarding him proposing, I guess you’ve got to wait and see what happens, maybe he will propose when his studies are finished.

Atibangkok · 2023-04-14T09:26:35+00:00

He has the 7 years itch . He is trying to decide if he wants to commit or not at this time .

DefinePI · 2023-04-15T03:20:45+00:00

It's a little late to stop giving him the cow. You're living with him and sleeping with him. That's what a wife does. Now, you're deciding to be a jerk to him when you see him, and you think that's going to make him want to marry you?

Title	Waiting
Author	Such_Beginning_1629
Upvotes	17
Comments	29
Date	April 12, 2023 4:48 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/12js4ya/waiting/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/waiting.1214070 https://theredarchive.com/post/1214070

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