We keep arguing over the smallest and stupidest things

Jenneapolis · 2023-12-21T20:38:08+00:00

This is classic Laura Doyle territory. Have you read the empowered wife? If not, start there and start implementing everything you read. You can’t control what he does but you can control what you do and if you work on being the bigger person, I bet you would see a change in his behavior.

People are always going to have fights on little things, that’s never going to go away, and I think once a month is actually a relatively small amount of fighting especially if you have a small child at home, I would say you are doing good, but I would say 1-2 weeks to recover is quite long. A few small changes in how you interact to him may go a long way.

RatchedAngle · 2023-12-21T20:03:10+00:00

So I asked my husband to grab me some chocolates while he was at the gas station and he happily did

That’s very kind of your husband.

it tasted gross like it tasted expired

How is that his fault? Did the package say it was expired? Did the packaging look tampered with? Does your husband have psychic powers and he was just supposed to know that the chocolate would taste bad?

I threw it out and said it was gross

That’s pretty rude. You could have said, “I’m sorry but I don’t really like the flavor. I really appreciate you grabbing some chocolate for me. That was kind of you.”

He said it’s the principle behind it and he called me ungrateful.

I would agree with him.

he’s sick of me being ungrateful and not saying “thank you” when he gets me $1 crappy chocolate bar.

Do you have any idea how rude and cruel you sound?

But I feel like this is so stupid he made a big deal about.

All he wanted was a “thank you.” You are the one making this a big deal.

because he got mad that my mom sent me money for Christmas and I used that money to buy him something from Amazon and he got really mad that I didn’t buy him a Christmas present from my own savings account

Does he want you to stay home with the baby? If so, it’s unreasonable for him to expect gifts from your savings account.

He doesn’t get to call you a bum if he wants you to be a SAHM. That word out of my husband’s mouth (if he asked me to stay home with the baby) would be grounds for a very serious discussion with potential divorce on the table if he didn’t wise up very quickly.

CountTheBees · 2023-12-21T20:58:43+00:00

It takes two to have an argument. According to this post about arguments, you throwing out the chocolate/saying it was gross was the spark, and him getting offended by that was the ignition.

Don't create sparks. Why would you throw out something someone brought you in front of their face? At least wait until he left the room, wrap it back up in the wrapper, and put it in the bin. Maybe even put it deeper in the bin just to make extra sure. Don't even mention you threw it out or didn't like it. Just make sure to specify which chocolate he should get you next time.

I don't know if you behave like this only with him or with everyone, but if it's only with him, think "would I act like this with my colleagues/my neighbours/the ladies from church/my girlfriends?" If the answer is no then treat him better than you do them. He's your husband. He deserves your best.

anothergoodbook · 2023-12-21T21:08:51+00:00

I will point out you mentioned a baby… that’s breeding grounds for trouble in a marriage. The role changes and the lack of sleep, etc. So first of all cut you and your husband a little slack.

Secondly the question I ask is “is this the hill I want to die on?” Your husband may have done something here that was worth being annoyed about (I don’t think so but it’s not me). Is his getting you this candy bar worth this argument to the point where you are talking about leaving? Could you have responded differently. And yes, you because you can only control yourself. Could you have been sweeter and said “oh thank you” you could have tossed it secretly or even just said “oh man this is expired :(“. And with a sweet tone versus accusatory.

That would have 100% avoided an argument and changed the narrative here.

The money points to a larger issue than “small arguments”. It seems like resentment is breeding toward him and there might be some things that do need to be changed. But address that not the argument over a chocolate bar. Not that it excuses him from being rude but could he be having anxieties over being the sole provider.

I highly suggest Laura Doyle as some other replies suggest.

Also you don’t have to participate in every argument you are invited to :)

One of the biggest issues with anything on Reddit is we get to hear one side. Are you controlling? Do you overspend or try to stretch the budget? Are you nagging? Are there things you could change to change the course of your marriage or is he just a big mean bully? If he is a good guy or at least was in the past I would wager you need to take a close look at your behavior also. That isn’t a free pass to him (everyone can only be responsible for themself at the end of the day).

ParkingImprovement32 · 2023-12-21T21:56:32+00:00

In general, it’s a good idea to say thank you whenever somebody gives you something, even if you don’t like the gift.

CourtZealousideal980 · 2023-12-21T22:40:13+00:00

perspective from a a guy

id be upset to if i picked something up for my SO and they never said thank you even if they didn't like what i got. something as simple as " thank you for getting the chocolate that i asked for but i don't like the taste of it can you try and remember i don't like it if i ask you to pick some up next time" i think most men would respond well to this we want to provide and take care of our SO that includes learning things like what kind of chocolate they don't like

it kind of feels like this whole argument was started because he feels unappreciated.

the calling you a bum was uncalled for and ridicules on his part especially since he want's you to be a SAHM. this to is more than likely caused by him felling unappreciated when we feel like that we start feeling like we are not doing our job and in that negative head space we start saying hurt full things that we don't mean.

the solution for the second one might be sitting down with him and saying you would like to buy him thing's with your money but since you do not work anymore you have no way of refunding that account to continue to buy him things around the holidays. maybe you to could work something out where he puts money into that account for you on a regular bases and that's your money to use for situation's like this

overall i think all these problems are very easley fixed with some communication of appreciation. a simple start would be thanking him for doing things that he does already that keep the house going you know those task that he does that helps you and you glad he does them for you but you never say anything about them. it will change the atmosphere in the house and his attituded will change to

for the record i don't Condon him making all that noise in the morning and waking you up it was uncalled for but it coming from how he feels unappreciated

ssandi8 · 2023-12-21T20:15:09+00:00

I used to be like your husband, sulk for a few days until she noticed and then have a blowup, immature I know. Instead of talking you could try giving him a hug, a bit of affection. Just like having a big kid, not excusing it, hopefully he will mature. The psychology around it is that men are more physical and more able to connect in a physical activity. If I wanted to talk to my teenage son I would go out back and throw the ball with him. Easier conversation.

valleybrook1843 · 2023-12-21T20:31:54+00:00

I hear you are frustrated that you and your husband are arguing. Sounds painful, especially around the holidays. I’d like to invite you to read The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle or listen to one of her podcasts for free. If you want to stay in your marriage, you’ll find it a good resource and its contrary to most mainstream advice you’ll get like “just dump him” and “you deserve better”

Funny_Garage3895 · 2023-12-21T22:39:10+00:00

I was were you was a few months ago - I ended up hitting him with my postpartum hormonal rage when baby was 5 weeks old

We are 7 months postpartum now We have small arguments every few days that usually get sorted within the hour

Apparently it takes 18-24 months to settle into being parents before your marriage stops taking hits

YAY

Ok_Outside149 · 2023-12-21T21:19:45+00:00

You 100% could have acted better in the first example. The second one is rather nonsensical on his behalf. Have you asked why and how he thinks you should buy him things when you don’t work?

DarkBaddie · 2023-12-22T05:52:14+00:00

I’m not one to give relationship advice. If I were in this situation, I would apologize for what I thought I could have done better in. Maybe you could have let him know there was something off with the flavor and offered it to him before you threw it away?

His reaction of threatening divorce is serious. When he’s settled for the day, I would tell him I love him, how important he is to your mutual family, how much he means to you, then try to go down on him without asking for permission. Nothing else, just that. Then it’s up to him to decide how he would like to respond.

I hope he relaxes enough to be able to speak to you so he can give you clear examples of what he needs from you. I hope you two can get couples counseling before making any harmful decisions. My HSA covers the sessions for me.

Such_Beginning_1629 · 2023-12-22T22:26:58+00:00

Do the Covid test. The current strain seems to do a lot of taste-altering. Chocolate does not normally go bad.

AutoModerator · 2023-12-21T19:47:19+00:00

Title: We keep arguing over the smallest and stupidest things

Author BrendasThrowaway

Full text: I guess I need to vent and I need advice. I feel like everyone I know is giving me terrible advice they keep telling me to leave my husband even though that seems like the worst decision I could make because he is the sole provider for our family and I honestly wouldn’t be able to function without him so I don’t want to leave him over small stupid fights. I really don’t want to post on the other relationship subs because I already know they are going to all comment “divorce him” from just reading the title alone. I don’t want to throw away my marriage and family over stupid tiny fights so I think this sub is better suited to help make this relationship work

So, 2 days ago I asked my husband to grab me some chocolates while he was at the gas station and he happily did but when he got home I tried the chocolate and it tasted gross like it tasted expired and I threw it out and said it was gross and my husband got mad at me coz I didn’t say thank you. He said it’s the principle behind it and he called me ungrateful. We didn’t even solve that argument we just ignored it and slept on it the next day because he doesn’t like talking when we’re upset with each other. My husband does have some anger problems so he will just not discuss the situation and he will stay mad and give me the silent treatment until he misses me which normally last anywhere up to 6-14 days.

So since the tension was still big, it got worse the next day because he was still mad and he was being loud and inconsiderate in the morning when he was leaving for work, and that was waking me up because I only had like three hours of sleep last night because I was up with the baby all night so I got mad and I told him he’s being petty slamming the doors and shit. He told me he’s going to divorce me because he’s sick of fighting for no reason and he’s sick of me being ungrateful and not saying “thank you” when he gets me $1 crappy chocolate bar.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I said sorry I hurt his feelings. I mostly just apologized because I’m so sick of fighting and it’s so close to the holidays that I really just don’t have the energy for this. But I feel like this is so stupid he made a big deal about. But I feel like maybe I am the problem since he’s so upset over this??

We also got in an argument last month, because he got mad that my mom sent me money for Christmas and I used that money to buy him something from Amazon and he got really mad that I didn’t buy him a Christmas present from my own savings account (mind you that I haven’t worked in three years, and I barely have any money in my own name under my own account and my savings account has not even been used or touched in a very long time). He wanted me to purchase him a present in my savings account because he called me a bum using my parents money. This whole entire argument literally lasted OVER a week of his silent treatment. If I try to speak to him when he still mad, then he gets even more mad, so I just let him be quiet until he’s ready to get over it. I just honestly feel like he’s being too extra sometimes over literally nothing or maybe this stuff is a big deal but it’s just not a big deal to me because literally nobody has acted this way towards me before?? We seem to get in an argument once a month over something really dumb like this and I honestly just want peace and happiness, he comes back from work and chooses violence. It’s like he just gets bored when gets home and he just wants to fight over nothing.

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Such_Beginning_1629 · 2023-12-22T22:26:53+00:00

Do the Covid test. The current strain seems to do a lot of taste-altering. Chocolate does not normally go bad.

ForeverSwinging · 2023-12-23T05:22:16+00:00

Take the fight away from him. If this seems like something he initiates when he comes home from work, start leaving things for him to do. Make dinner. Feed kids, if you have them. Do laundry. He won’t manage his feelings unfortunately, which means you’re trying to avoid him, pacify him, or make yourself busy to keep up the appearance of being unable to receive his arguments. At this rate, forcing additional work on him might be one of a few possibilities of forcing him to experience a come-to-Jesus moment.

I hope you can leave him. He sounds like he needs to work on himself, which he’s unwilling to do.

Title	We keep arguing over the smallest and stupidest things
Author	BrendasThrowaway
Upvotes	13
Comments	32
Date	December 21, 2023 7:47 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/18nvigf/we_keep_arguing_over_the_smallest_and_stupidest/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/we-keep-arguing-over-the-smallest-and-stupidest.1241319 https://theredarchive.com/post/1241319

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