When men pull away

ny-lady · 2020-03-09T11:40:19+00:00

I find that men who do this are avoidant or just not that interested.

Any man I had long term with stayed consistent and didn't pull away for days.

Men that really want you and want it to work dont put themselves in a position to lose you.

WildTenderness · 2020-03-09T13:35:34+00:00

Assuming you guys aren't exclusive (not explicitly stated), I'd be worried about the state of the relationship. Men usually decide they want to be exclusive with a women 6 weeks after dating, give or take a week. Since you guys have surpassed this point, I'm worried that he's keeping you around for convenience.

What I'd suggest is to keep working on yourself and focus on your life goals, someone who isn't excited to be in a relationship with you really isn't worth your time.

TranslatedSky · 2020-03-09T10:27:58+00:00

So I’ve had someone I was dating pull away and I’ve scoured the internet for clues, articles etc. including rpw. My conclusion is this.

Trust your gut. Yeah sometimes men need time away especially if you guys have been dating for a while. But sudden distance after a stream of consistency? Observe his reaction when he returns. Does he give you an explanation without being prompted? Does he show in any way he cares about your feelings? While you should feel secure in yourself as your own independent person, usually men who have had some dating experience know that this kind of behavior would make women insecure. Heck, even if it were a close friend replying late they would usually explain themselves out of concern for your own feelings.

Of course if you feel after he replies that distance is reconciled, all is probably well. But if you feel in your gut this person is hot and cold, something is wrong. Don’t ignore it or pass it off as masculine energy. Usually it’s an indicator of a red flag, like cheating or losing interest. Personally I was cheated on and if you see my previous posts, I ignored this red flag, in part because I thought I was overthinking.

Don’t fully invest in this person until you’re sure which is it. You should feel secure in yourself, but should also be able to feel emotionally safe with your partner.

qmax1990 · 2020-03-09T14:04:58+00:00

My opinion is brutal. If he liked you as much as you liked him, he'd be around. I deal with the same stuff in my life. It's tempting to lie to youself but there is no seeing double about that.

WildUnkn0wn · 2020-03-09T04:04:20+00:00

Learning not to take something personally is one of the most refreshing things a woman can do. Women tend to take everything personally and read into everything and give ourselves terrible anxiety over it. I worked with a gal in her 60s who read into EVERYTHING and was the most over-sensitive person on this planet. I don't know how she lived like that - it seemed exhausting.

I read a book called The Four Agreements which helped me realize nothing is personal. Most people are only ever thinking about themselves. Men, especially, are less prone to emotional manipulation or passive aggression or things like that. In all reality, he was probably just busy. I also realized that taking things personally was an indicator that I had poor boundaries. I couldn't separate myself from other people and see that we existed in our own separate mental and physical spaces.

Highly recommend The Four Agreements and The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. This is an insecurity you need to work out within you.

WildUnkn0wn · 2020-03-09T16:47:00+00:00

Let him do it and don't even acknowledge it for now. Eventually he will leave permanently or he will do it less/stop doing it when you don't react negatively. You can tell him you missed him, I think, but I wouldn't go beyond that. Men just do this sometimes and in my experience there's nothing you can say or do to prevent it all the time, and being critical doesn't help either.

However, he may be someone who chronically deals with stress this way and you have to decide if that is something you can tolerate. If it continues regularly and really bothers you, then it's worth saying something and/or leaving to find a man more able to meet your needs in a relationship.

I definitely feel you on this. I dated a guy who would withdraw all the time. I eventually left because it was no longer something I was interested in, as I felt the relationship was stalled.

Edit: Also, until this person is able to be consistent the vast majority of the time, keep your options open and keep dating other men.

dctrmoose · 2020-03-09T14:34:48+00:00

I find it so strange how SOME women take little responsibility in making a relationship and rely completely on a mans lead. This is a fantasy. Guys are not born masculin, confident, stoic, or strong. They are made this way through experience, struggle, and pain.

Who know's the reason why he is pulling away? Have you asked him? Have you set clear expectations and vocalized them to him? Doubtful. I think you want to sit in the passenger seat and get success.

You are only allowed to have expectations of yourself not of others. Unless, the other person has agreed to your terms. If you haven't vocalized your expectations how would one know if they wanted to meet them? And, if you ask them directly and you don't get the answer you want...then walk away.

Relationships are based on rules. I remember telling my wife when we were dating, "I'm not a mind reader." Don't expect me to be or act a certain way. If you want something from this relationship you better speak up cause I'm just having fun.

3 things for dating and relationships

Move on quickly when you find a deal breaker. Have a short list of deal breakers and if the person isn't right for you move on the moment you know. If you have a list of 20 deal breakers you'll be single forever. Your goal should be to find a person who wants similar things that you do.
Communication. Speak your mind. Before marriage I told my wife that I don't want to plan and pay for everything because I feel used. I made her listen to MGTOW videos and told her I never wanted to get married at least not with out a pre-nup. We talked about everything. We ended up compromising so we would both get what we want.
Rules: Marriages/relationships are based on rules / expectations. If you don't have good communication and either side doesn't know the rules then the relationship cannot function. If you find this unromantic, then your not ready for a real relationship.

Stop looking at relationships like a child. Go get what you want, be vocal, and if the man you are with is not receptive to that, leave. You have a 50% responsibility, if your not happy this is 50% your fault.

MajIssuesCaptObvious · 2020-03-09T15:10:23+00:00

I'll share my (M42) current dating story where I pulled away from a woman and then came back after a month of little to no contact. Hopefully it can give some insight. First, let me say I'm noncommittal because it's only been a little over a year since I got out of a 10 year LTR, and I need more time alone. Also, I'm MGTOW, but I still date and deal with emotional connections with the women I date; as a side note, I find it hard fighting off the feelings of wanting a meaningful relationship when I find a great connection.

I was dating a lot of women via OLD. I averaged about 3 dates per week, some were new prospects, others were ongoing. I had a lot of options so I didn't focus on any one woman. This could be one reason a guy pulls away.

Eventually, despite the successes I'd had, I grew tired of all the negativity of dating (rejection, flakiness, investing time and money just to end up with no connection). So, I just started minimizing communication with everyone. I decided that what I needed was alone time to focus on personal growth (time with my son, to read, home projects, finances, etc), and dating was a distraction from that. This could be another reason. Of course, I lost just about all my plates, but I didn't care.

There was one woman who really charmed her way in and was more patient than the rest; we shared an intellectual connection with a topic we both enjoy: psychology. I'd introduced her to attachment theory, and she was very understanding of my dismissive avoidance (This could be another reason). She gave me space, not trying to contact me too much. Plus, she kept herself busy with her own work and projects, which I greatly admire. Initially, I treated her like the other plates, not giving her too much attention. We briefly spoke about once or twice a week and only met up once a week for a date then sex. When the time came where I was focusing on personal growth, I put her on the back burner and didn't really talk to her for about a month. She eventually sent me a text saying that she enjoyed getting to know me and thanked me for the time we spent together. I had that bond with her and she was very understanding of my need for alone time, so I didn't want to let her go. I told her I wasn't ghosting her and explained my need for solitude. We scheduled a date and slowly, unintentionally built up to seeing each other more frequently.

Now I'm hooked, and it hasn't been easy with my dismissive avoidance. She's been understanding, but also firm when she feels I am not being fair to her and need to get a grip. It also works out that she's already established and not looking to get married nor have kids (she's older than me by almost a decade). We're not committed and I don't know where it's going, but we've both decided we're just going to enjoy the ride.

Hope my story gives some insight.

Kara__El · 2020-03-09T05:44:04+00:00

Three days? I feel like this is an overreaction. My husband and I would go two or three days on the regular without contact, in the early stages. Based on your description, I don't think this guy is worth trying to make it work, but I think you might consider lowering your expectations for how much contact you should have in the early stages.

ManguZa · 2020-03-09T07:58:01+00:00

Instead of trying to be cool, why don't you try to be charming cute which will make him naturally come back to you.

LateralThinker13 · 2020-03-11T21:46:03+00:00

I know a lot of times men need space like this. He’s very masculine, and a particularly broody man. I could feel that he was overwhelmed with dating me, work, family, friends, and some mental health problems I suspect he might deal with.

So you know he has mental health issues, is overstressed and overwhelmed, but it's still... all about you?

But I still can’t help my feel like part of my attraction and trust to him is gone now

Wait wut? You lost attraction because he wasn't as responsive to you as you'd like during a period of overwhelming stress? You lost trust because he didn't text you enough during a period of overwhelming stress?

Are. You. Kidding. Me.

Read those two questions out loud. Then tell me just how TOTALLY BUGNUTS ENTITLED that sounds.

just tried my best to keep cool (even tho I might’ve cried a little ONCE)

Three days... and it made you cry. And you've been dating less than three months.

so how can I give a guy space when I know he needs it ~~wouldn't~~ without taking it so personally?

Okay. Deep breath. Deep breath. The fact that you are asking this means you aren't a narcissistic idiot. So how do you give him space when he needs it?

Simple: Empathy. Women are touted as being more empathetic than men, but in practice too often it isn't so. Put yourself into his position. You're stressed out, overwhelmed, too much is going on. You just want a break from everybody wanting things from you all the time without letup. What do you do?

You ask for help. SPEAK UP. "I'm kinda overwhelmed by life right now. I may go dark for a bit, take care of my own mental health needs. I'll talk to you this weekend, okay hon?" And if your partner is cool and not a self-centered asshat, they'll say, "Okay, hon, that's cool. Is there anything else I can do to help?"

Now, it sounds like your brooding boyfriend isn't quite in tune with this. He doesn't know to communicate this to you. Or he thinks you're a big girl who can go three days without communication without a meltdown/tears. Oops.

So what you do, if you want to check in on him, is not to pry, not to beg for approval or attention, not to play games. No, what you do is this: you make him a pot of soup he likes, bring it by (or drop it off) with a note that reads something like this:

"Hi honey, we haven't talked much lately. It seems like you're kind of stressed out. I get that. So I thought I'd make you some tasty soup so you wouldn't have to worry about cooking. It's one less thing for you to deal with. Let me know if you like it. Take care."

Then wait. Almost guaranteed he'd call same day, and with a smile on his face because you gave him an indication of love and concern without strings attached. No guilt, no pressure, just some gentle support.

THAT is how RPW works.

P.S. This would work on me, and I've been called an introverted, broody male before, too. Sometimes men just need to be left alone, and it has nothing to do with you.

You ever seen the meme where the woman and man are on the couch and in bed, and she has a huge paragraph above her head where she's worrying about what he's thinking and paranoid about his actions and hamstering and hamstering and... in his thought bubble he's just wondering why the car broke down or something mundane? Yeah, THAT'S YOU.

Be aware, and stop it. Be better than that. Control your hamster or it will control you.

kikikimara · 2020-03-09T16:25:51+00:00

I see myself here, in your example, so i'll give you mine. He had some unhealthy relationships, and a lot of... girls. Maybe still has, I don't care, as long as he is being sincere and caring with me, and doesn't give me mixed signals.

5 months of chatting, some days and week without responding. For past 3 months 1-2 dates per week. Like other girl wrote here - relationship is build up. Slowly i feel like he is gently tamed and he let me into his world. I feel like this is going somewhere. I gave him his time, and kept my nerves down.

For me this experience was new as well. I found myself fighting inside, as I used to fast things. It's great experience to understand yourself, inside feelings, mood swings, and trying to balance them.

Do you see his values and ambitions? Is it worth investing your time and patience? If yes, then keep being cheerful and patient. As much as possible - keep your head high, have standarts those are atractive. Don't loose yourself.

HB3234 · 2020-03-10T01:23:00+00:00

All you need to know is that your attraction is lessened. It's time to move on. Courtship is for cultivating attraction.

If he has mental health issues he isn't addressing, you shouldn't be dating him! If you suspect that a man can't juggle life and dating, run! He can't drop living, so he can only compromise what he offers you. There are plenty of wonderful men in the world for you to meet, ones who have their lives in order and are ready to date in order to enrich & be enriched.

kividenbush · 2020-03-17T22:35:23+00:00

Hey ladies, I really suggest you go and watch Greta Beresaite's videos on youtube, she basically teaches us how to behave like a high value woman and also explains in details why men pull away as well as games they often play. XX

smellingdeadroses · 2020-03-09T10:03:08+00:00

Communication.
Instead of assuming things just ask him what does he want or what is he up to.
Also crying over 3 days you didn't talk to him sounds exaggerated, I think I understand why he had to pull away for a while.

Maybelowsmv · 2020-03-09T06:35:41+00:00

[deleted]

Glass-Significance · 2020-03-09T10:34:12+00:00

I am in the same situation. We r not official yet although weve been communicating for over 6 months now and have been on a coffee date 2x. Its been 2 weeks since I last heard from him. It is frustrating. What is a minute of of responding to text and letting me know hes not interested anymore? I also see him online so yea its giving me mixed signals. If he didnt wana talk to me anymore why hasnt he blocked me? Anyway this isnt the first time he has pulled away, 3 months ago didnt hear from him for 1 week. Wish you well.

Title	When men pull away
Author	reallyhatesyou
Upvotes	76
Comments	52
Date	March 9, 2020 3:49 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/ffor0l/when_men_pull_away/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/when-men-pull-away.353497 https://theredarchive.com/post/353497

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