Where do we go from here

Astroviridae · 2023-11-06T17:21:55+00:00

Divorce won't necessarily solve your problems and even having the thought in your mind is toxic to your marriage. Sometimes, you have to be the bigger person and pick up the slack if you want to materialize success.

Regarding his hobby, can you travel with him when he goes? Otherwise, you can always take the baby somewhere else when he's gone. Like, stay at your parents for the weekend to alleviate the load of solo parenting.

Put aside the house, having no savings is playing with fire, especially in this economy. The first order of business would be building an emergency fund. Have you consider working more to bring in more income? If you have access to the funds (if you don't you should), this shouldn't be difficult. Sit down with your husband to discuss a budget. Set an automated transfer every month from the checking account to savings account. I agree that the second car should not be priority if you have no savings. Ask him why it's important to keep it. I'm assuming it's a fun, sporty car that he likes to take for a drive early Saturday mornings. Maybe you can find a compromise, like visiting car shows or race tracks for him to get his fix in.

When you discuss this with your husband, focus less on the house and more about building a stable financial environment to raise your child in. Men have a strong provider drive, so you'll have the most success approaching your future family goals from this perspective. Viewing from the short term, he's fulfilling his provider role by working overtime to put food on the table. This is wonderful and certainly something you should be grateful for! Work on shifting his mindset to also take into consideration what providing looks like in the future: a long term place to live, money to withstand emergencies, retirement, more children, etc.

Luscious-Grass · 2023-11-06T17:52:42+00:00

I recommend you read Laura Doyle's Empowered Wife for some strategies. At this point, you can only work on cleaning up your side of the street and seeing if that helps. Until you do that, you simply won't know how much of an impact it could make on your relationship and your future.

Separately, how would your husband respond if you wanted to put your baby in daycare and get a full time job until you are on more solid financial footing, have you asked him? Would he flip out or would he support it?

I ask because from a practical point of view, it might be important for your long term well-being that you do this. Your husband has currently not shown that he can take care of you in the way you agreed, and you need to protect yourself and your child.

Moovmntstudnt · 2023-11-06T16:21:07+00:00

Could you phrase the finance discussion not about demanding saving for a house, but creating a safety net and saving for your child’s future? It might be easier for him and to get on board and start saving regularly when the money will feel like a surplus stowed away, as opposed to something that you’re going to use to take on monstrous debt

morbidityofanother · 2023-11-06T15:55:37+00:00

Divorce is not the answer for a variety of reasons.

First, and most importantly, you're not on the exact same page right now, but that is a phase. He loves you, he wants you to be happy, and you can work out happy mediums. Perhaps he can indulge in his travelling hobby once a month rather than every week or so. Ask to set up a budget that includes a saving goal as well as a healthy amount of spending money. It's all about compromise. You're never going to get everything you want, and you cannot hold onto resentments over that.
Divorcing him will not lead you to someone better, in all statistical likelihood. If he makes enough to support you while you're working extremely part time, with a baby no less, he's ahead of quite a lot of men. More points if he's 5'9 or over. Even more points if he isn't obese. That's already only like 3% of the US population (assuming that's where you live). On top of that, the number of men who would want to be with a single mom is not high, nor are the ones who are okay with it usually even moderately high quality. If you ditch your husband for some other guy, you are simply trading his problems for a different set of problems, and that may feel good for five minutes... But then you're back to feeling like this for some other reason.
I think it's important to remember that you're not his ideal either. You have issues that likely bother him just as much as these things bother you. Maybe you haven't lost the baby weight. Maybe you're not having enough sex. Maybe he's tired of you nagging about finances while he's trying to have fun with his hobby. Maybe he thinks you place too much importance on buying a house. I'm not saying any of things are right or wrong, what I'm saying is that we have to humble ourselves and remember that they are a person as well, with their own reasons for what they do and what they desire. This means that both parties need to communicate and compromise to find a place of contentment.
Divorce is a much bigger deal than people make it out to be. It feels like the word has been on the tip of every married woman's tongue at one point or another. It's become blasé to say "I'm thinking of divorce". In reality, marriage is the single most important legal event of your life aside from birth and death. And, in that same vein, ending one is unimaginably complicated, painful, and traumatic for everyone involved. You need to have a really good reason to end things, because this will effect your finances, the mental health of your child, the way your child will be raised, lawyers are expensive, there will be custody battles, etc. It's extremely ugly.

In culmination: communicate and compromise. Find that happy medium. That is the key to solving this. It can be solved. Sit down, take some deep breaths, scream into a pillow, journal your thoughts, and have a sit down chat with him. Like I said: he loves you, he wants you to be happy. It may not feel like that all the time because he does stuff that makes you feel insane. But I guarantee that it's all he wants, and he would appreciate the opportunity to do so.

ChamomileMist · 2023-11-06T15:38:31+00:00

[permanently deleted]

MeatBallSandWedge · 2023-11-07T13:39:57+00:00

I would encourage the two of you to try couples therapy with a licensed psychologist.

AutoModerator · 2023-11-06T14:27:07+00:00

Title: Where do we go from here

Author constantly_in_motion

Full text: My husband and I have been together for 3.5 years. We have a 5 month old baby. When we got together we were both very in the red pill mindset, as that being a goal for a traditional relationship.

We both have flaws. I did not grow up in a redpill/traditional household and I definitely need to work more on not nagging him, not getting annoyed with his decisions, and being more positive and happy to be around. I run into a lot of issues with this because he also did not grow up in a traditional household and has his own issues that we've identified together. I'm having a hard time moving forward because of resentments I've built up over his lackluster relationship performance. He recently came clean about lying about smoking weed and watching porn. Which was fine, I told him I wouldn't be made if he told me the truth and I'm honestly not mad, mostly because I already knew he was lying about these things so it wasn't news to me.

I'm having a hard time with our views on family life aligning. He wants to push and push to do his hobby which involves him traveling for half of the weekends of the summer, and leaves me at home with the baby and the dogs to take care of. He covers all the bills currently, I work very very part time when I can. I feel like he doesn't prioritize saving for a house or having a safety net. We agreed I would only work 40 hours a week in years 1 through 3 of our relationship so I could do all the cooking and cleaning and care of the dogs, and he could save for a house. No money got saved for a house even though he was working tons of overtime. We have no savings. He has 2 car payments totally 1300 a month, one of the cars he only drives a handful of times a year. I've tried to talk with him about how it doesn't make sense to pay for a car he almost never drives when were trying to save but he does not agree.

He means well and is a very caring father and partner in many ways, but I am entirely burnt out being the mother, wife, chef, dog walker, house cleaner, part time worker, oh and I'm also trying to take over a family business so I can bring the baby to work with me. I feel like I'm hitting my head against a wall with someone who is not on the same page as me in reality, but told me when we got together that we had the same values and goals. There's a part of me at this point that just wants to get divorced, but I don't want my child to come from a broken home. I also don't want to find another husband and start all over again with a blended family. How do I proceed? Do I just accept we may live in an apartment forever? I'll never be seen being burnt out and begging for help and just have to keep on doing everything in a life setting that's not what I wanted to work for? Do we just get divorced?

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SecretOther289 · 2023-11-07T03:39:05+00:00

What's your reasons for both coming from a non traditional background to choosing redpill?

Title	Where do we go from here
Author	constantly_in_motion
Upvotes	9
Comments	32
Date	November 6, 2023 2:27 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/17p3x5p/where_do_we_go_from_here/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/where-do-we-go-from-here.1237576 https://theredarchive.com/post/1237576

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