So I was home alone this entire week. Mention this is my other posts I made this week for advice. I had downloaded Tinder and Bumble. Now, back in 2017, which was when I first downloaded these types of apps. I got maybe 5 crappy matches in the couple days I had it. Several months later, average was about 10-12 matches I would get in total. Most of them being fromn 3s-5s.

This time? I deleted Tinder yesterday after 5 days of use, and in total I got 37 matches. Waaaaayyy much than I have ever expected. Now again lots of them of weren’t attractive girls, but I was surprised how many of them were. For the first time I found myself matched with HB6s and 7s. It was awesome! At first my confidence at through the roof.

I would say the reasons for higher matches were: 1. I got new glasses, 2. I’m 6’4, so my weight should be between 190-210 or so. I’m 213 now. And before I was 252. 3. My choice of clothes were probably better this time around. 4. My new IPhone took better pictures.

Anyways, yes so the second night, Tuesday. I bring over a match of mine to my place to game on the Xbox. One of the hotter girls I’ve been on dates with. 20 minutes into “gaming”. We’re fucking already. She becomes my 6th n count. And my god the sex is amazing. Mainly because she was waaaayy hotter than I was used to. I’m used to 3s-5s. This one was a 7 I’d say. A big titty goth girl type she was. A great night. We chill for about 2 hours or so.

I get little nights sleep that night. Have to go to work. Whole day I get concerned and anxious if I’ll ever bang the chick again. This is where the beta stuff really shows. I don’t text her that day. Instead I go on a date with another 7. More smart and college type girl. Ice cream and park. Date last 2 hours. Not awkward. Chill convo and laughs. We make out at the end, but she says I’m moving to fast. Then says her mom has texted her and she just go. So I drive back to her car. We make out a bit before she leaves. Date over

Next day, Thursday, she unmatches me on Tinder after texting her a simple hey. Hinting she wants no second date. Oh well, disappointed but nothing to do. I text the girl I banged the other night. She replies. Talk and Joke about the night a bit, and I tell her that Friday is my last night alone, and for her to come over. She says sure. Ok then. Tell her I’ll text her Friday afternoon to confirm. Now keep in mind, at this point, I’m still a little sleep deprived. I’m in bad condition, physically I mean. I also have clear oneitus for this chick. Bad. Not that I want to be with her or anything like that. But I really want to keep banging her because of my lack of abundance. The uncertainty of whether or might she’ll be a plate gives me lots of anxiety. I’m in a shit mood all day. Sleepy and anxious. Also sad that I got ghosted by the other 7 I went on a date with.

And worse of all, I don’t do anything after getting home. I don’t go to the gym, I don’t read, I don’t even play games or watch movies. Just do my homework and lay down. My anxiety over these stupid girls have paralyzed me so to speak. This has never happened to me with girls before. But because these were way hotter than usual, I couldn’t handle it. I do set up dates with other girls, but due to just getting ghosted I don’t have the confidence to do so and figure it will be a waste of time.

So I text the girl I banged Friday afternoon. And I don’t get a reply. At all. I see she gets online (through messenger is where I was talking to her) and she never sees my message. Even now she hasn’t. I figure she’ll never text, so I tell myself to enjoy the night and watch a movie.

Here’s where it gets beta (well, even more). Recently I’ve been watching the Toy Story trilogy for the first fucking time (despite being 21). I began watching 3. Great movie. Loved it. At the end however, it gets a little emotional. I began fucking tearing at the end. By the time the credits rolled, I fucking broke down. It was sad. I wasn’t just crying over the movie, I was crying because I felt so fucking shitty over the past week and felt bad that I was being ignored by these girls. Had high confidence at the beginning of the week, and very low at the end. Feel more beta now than I was before I found TRP. I kept thinking to myself, why would I get ignored or ghosted by these girls? Boring personality, not high enough SMV, shitty sex? All of the above?

But I truly knew the answer, because not only was it one of those or maybe all of the above, but because I a pathetic weak man who doesn’t have abundance and because I let myself become anxious, sad, and concerned whether or not I’ll keep seeing this chicks.

And honestly, it’s not so much that afraid I’ll never see or bang this chicks. Rather, I know that they want sex, and they have much much better men to get it from. It’s more of a damage to my ego, masculinity insecurity, and feeling inferior issue. There’s men out there and in here that will never allow to themselves to go as bottom as I have over a few girls. Despite all Red Pill readings and looking on the subs everyday for over a year, I allow myself become more beta than I ever have. It’s fucking sad and pathetic. And yet I’m stupid enough to wonder why I got ignored? Ha!

So yeah, sorry for the novel, it’s been a shitty week. Thankfully I slept well last night and feel a bit better. I deleted Tinder and Bumble. I’m going to the gym later and have a good solid meditation experience.... because I was pathetic enough not do either this whole week.

Also I’m trying to being positive. I have all my limbs, functional mouth and ears and nose, and overall am a fully functional human being (haha kind of 😉). I have nothing to bitch about. I just to improve. Yesterday my dog turned my the oven, since he likes to mess with stuff a lot. Didn’t realized till minutes later. Then I thought to myself, fuck if this house had burned down, or my dog had burned himself, or I had burned myself badly, these problems would seems extremely insignificant.

Bright side? My oneitus, like my actual onitus who lead me to discover this place, doesn’t seem significant anymore. I also now know I can bang and date above average girls. Something that didn’t seem possible before. I got 37 matches on Tinder. Imagine if I were to lift and bulk for 6 months, and gain a badass body? I can’t even imagine the destruction I will cost. I also feel even much more motivated to improve.

Bad side? I don’t think I can go below HB5s anymore. I felt so good being physical with an above average girl, and now I don’t think I can enjoy anything else..

It’s going to be a while before I download Tinder or anything like that. Or approach anyone.... I have clearly shown I’m not ready for anything having to do with girls. Whether it be LTRs, one night stands, or casual sex, I’m not ready for any of it. I was before when it was with girls that weren’t really attractive, but my first exposure to higher quality girls have absolutely wrecked me. What’s worse I was aware I was being pathetic this whole time. I knew it, and I couldn’t bring myself to stop it..

I know you all say Monk Mode is a rationalizing to avoid socializing, but I feel like it’s absolutely necessary for me....

If you gotten this far, Advice?