Five years ago I was about to kill myself..

Five years ago I was searching the internet for a painless method to end my life. Before I do that, I just wanted to know "why?". What crime I did or what I am doing wrong to deserve such life.

Why girls can't see me as a human who can have sexual needs, why they behave differently around me and completely different around every other guy. Why my own friends turned against me and made fun of me instead of defending from the guy who bullied and humiliated me. Why I am judged harshly, why I am made fun of, why people don't respect me even when I sacrifice my own well-being for them.

Another girl had told me that she can only see me as a friend, and I should keep in touch with her. I did whatever she said. She told that she don't like men who are want relationship to have sex, she told she like compliments, she told she likes the attention I give. I did everything she said, why she left me for her ex who do the opposite of all that. It don't make any sense.

I want answers before I kill myself. I went to relationships sub, told them my situation. Some woman tell me to not date for at least 10 years and I need to work on myself before I even think about dating. Why I have to wait when everyone else is enjoying their youth, I am now more frustrated to know the answers.

I am tired of hearing women, they speak the same. The same pattern. It's not the few rejections and miserable social life that is making me kill myself, it's the pattern. Seeing that the pattern would continue no matter what I do. It's seeing that things would be the same and never change made be think that there is no point in continuing the misery.

Had a father whom I once told as a kid that some kids outside had beaten me up, and I need his help to take revenge from them. I saw fear in my father's eyes, he stepped back. And after few moments of thinking he started beating me saying that I must had something wrong to them. He beat his son who came home covered in bruises who asked his help because the other kids were outnumbered. The beaten kid needed a father figure who can protect him, but instead he got a realization that he don't have a father and he is all alone in this world. Long story short I never had a masculine role model to guide me.

I searched for answers on subs that were made by men for men. I think they were related to hobbies and activities men can do alone or develop some skill. I have no recollection that how I landed on the sidebar of this sub.

All the answers were there, and that were not something I liked. They were bitter, they were cold. Every ounce of my existence want to reject them. My whole worldview was shattering right in front of me. I am furious. I've been lied my whole life. I am angry towards women, I am angry towards the people whom I considered friends. I am angry towards the people who never told me that if I made some improvements I could change outcomes. I used to be angry towards the people who treat me badly. And now Im even more angry at the people who told me Im nice and perfect and every other guy should be like me. They reinforced my personality that lead me towards killing myself.

In a way I killed myself. People are telling me that I used to be good. They can't fathom that not only I'm doing good but eventually I will be doing better than me. They are insecure because of me. Those people are guilting me. And Im enjoying them seeing getting disappointed. The new people in life respects me, they think I've always been like that. I respect myself, and people respect me.

Im lifting, giving my best. Other guys come to the gym to socialize. I come to sculpt my body. Im laser focused. I have purpose. I know the things i've been denied my whole life. Other people don't have this privilege. Even though I am smaller than everyone, even though outside gym no one else could tell I lift. I am proud of my hard work. In my mind I'm big, i'm strong, compared to my past self I'm infinitely better. It doesn't matter if others don't know, but I know that and it's enough.

I get my first kiss, my first girlfriend. For the first time in my life a girl is interested in me and i'm not chasing. Finally my existence feel validated, finally things are working for me and not against me.

Five years have been passed. TRP have not given some magical formula to improve life, in fact it made me realize I have to work harder than others to just have things in life that an average guy have. The only thing it gave me is the hope that you can change things.

Just like the people who had been in this sub for years, I now lurk sometimes once in a month or two. Its the second time here i've seen a post from a same guy doing mastubratory rationalization that which is better, to fuck multiple women or one women many times.

Before I become this old man who says that back in my time TRP had father figures and men genuinely wanted to help each other because of the pain they went through. I decided to retire from TRP instead. I have gained whatever my soul needed and the path forward is all by myself. I have to know my destiny and dictate my life all by myself.

One day maybe I too save a lost soul who have lost all hope. One day may I become hope for others