tl;dr: Newly divorced older dudes have unique problems to overcome, but it comes down to doing a reset, then sticking with the basics. There's no overnight fix. It took you 20 years to get into this mess, it will take some time to get out of it.

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A comment/question on another thread prompted me to make this post for newly divorced older dudes, what can they expect getting back out into the dating scene. This is based on my experience going solo ten years ago after almost 20 years of marriage with little/no sex near the end (long story ...); and also talking with people in similar circumstances.

Start with this premise: you know nothing about women, dating, seduction. Ze-Ro. The last time you did this was 20+ years ago when you were a kid and you could fall into relationships because all kids are horny all the time.

But guess what happened while you were married: You grew up. You're not a kid anymore. Dating has changed - a lot - and so have you. But your mind is frozen at the mental age of when you got married because it hasn't been developing a mature, experienced dating mindset over the last 20 years.

I'll repeat that: you know nothing about women, dating, seduction.

THE PEEN THAT DOESN'T WORK

Okay, let's start with erectile dysfunction because I know that's primary on your mind.

The fact is, it ain't gonna work like it did 20 years ago. Most likely due to nerves of being with a new woman while still feeling like you're cheating. If you're getting erections at 4 a.m., but having trouble with women, it's probably 100% in your head. Don't drink ETOH and watch what you eat for a few hours before sex. Now that you're older, these things effect your body more than when you were 18. A belly full of pizza making you tired is not conducive to seducing a woman.

Get the pills, they work. Cialis is better because you can take it Friday afternoon and it works through Sunday.

But here's the real take away: if it isn't working with a woman, don't get frustrated, angry, petulant. Make a joke about it or be honest. Stay in a good mood, after all, you're nude in bed with a woman.

I couldn't always perform when with a new woman back then. When that happened, I would just say, "Ha ha, one of the fun things about being [my age]" and work on other techniques or laughingly call it quits. Women don't want you to be a child in bed, throwing a tantrum. Getting angry or frustrated is being a child.

I've never had the ED problem where a woman refused to see me again. Tell you what I *have* had: women saying they thought it was great how I played it off and didn't throw a tantrum like other men they've been with. Be a fucking grown up and act like one.

Needless to say, zero porn and as little masturbation as possible. It can take me 12-48 to want to ejaculate again at my age. If you jank it Friday morning you'll have zero motivation and ability to get it up when you're out with an actual woman. This is just biology. Before you worry about TRT, get your body reset to normal and see what's what.

And get a fucking vasectomy, shit I shouldn't have to tell you that.

FITNESS:

Get your ass into a gym. One reason you stopped having sex with your ex-wife is you stopped being attractive. Look at her: she probably turned into a pig too. Take a lesson from this. Get off the fucking couch and cut the life-wasting cable t.v., lose some weight, throw some iron around. Age is making your face droop, your chin double, your waist explode. Working out can counteract lots of this.

Your workouts will not be like when you lifted in high school. Just realize that and adjust accordingly. Your body can still look great - mine does - but accept that it will be an older man's body (sly grin as a younger woman touches my bicep after a yoga class, "Not bad for an older dude". True story). Embrace it, and mold your workout. Focus on the basics, compound lifts so you don't run out of energy doing bullshit isolation lifts. Be the most pumped 50 year old in your area.

I'm out of the gym in 40 minutes. Dead lift, bench, rows, shoulder presses, biceps and triceps, maybe something new every now and then. Doing just this will work out every major muscle group except maybe your calf muscles.

HAIR:

Who gives a fuck, it's just fucking hair and you have no control whether it falls out or not anyway. Embrace being an actual human being. Whatever's on top, just make sure it looks good. Don't dye it, holy shit that never looks good. And for fucks' sake, never, fucking never wear a wig.

YOUR EX:

Don't talk about your ex wife with a woman. Any woman, whether a prospect, someone you're dating, your sister. Women want to know that when you break up with *them* you won't squeal all *their* secrets to the next woman like a fucking baby. If it comes up, give a short answer then move on, "Oh it just didn't work out." Whatever the fucking problem - custody, divorce hearings, it's not the new woman's business or problem.

Whatever you do, do *not* fucking turn your prospect into a fucking therapist. Be present and available to the woman you're with, don't be a bitch living in the past and doing nothing but complaining. Do you want to hear all about how her ex fucked her over, every time you go out? No, the answer is no. Don't be that guy. Your focus should be on giving her new memories with you, not reliving old, bad memories that don't include you.

THE GAME:

This is imporant: read the materials. Read them again. Keep reading them. Read the sidebar and blogs like Blackdragon and Return of Kings. I've been through these blogs multiple times, something new always sticks out. Learn the science, statistics, and real life experiences of the men who have picked up women over and over again. Learn from them - they've been doing it while you've been sitting on your fucking recliner getting fat watching "house hunters" and not getting laid.

You don't have to accept and do everything they say - you're a man for fuck's sake, make your own decisions. But respect that they have set out a foundation on which you can build your relationships. Kino, flirting, how to ask a woman out, all are different now that you're not a horny teenager when everything was easy and little Susie would hop into the back seat of your car at the drive in.

Learn how to be the man and initiate, escalate and close. Learn how to ask for a woman's number like a man. Shit, did they even have cell phones the last time you were dating? Work on your eye contact, that's fucking crucial. This includes learning how to handle shit tests and rejection (hint: the correct response always includes a sly grin). Look it up, it's all in the side bar.

That said, the #1 thing you can do as a new, but older, player, is talk to women. Everywhere, every kind. Talk to strangers at the bar, the grocery, the woman gassing up her car next to yours. Don't hit on them, just talk to them.

I know newly divorced men can be afraid of putting the moves on women - a lot of it is psychological because your body/mind are still set on "my wife is at home and might find out" mode. Your ex-wife and 20 years of marriage are still living in your head. You feel guilty "hitting on" women because your body and mind have created a pattern of guilt over those years. You have to burn that thought pattern out of your system, which takes two things. It will take time - realize there will be no immediate gains - and it will take practice. You're teaching your mind/body a new way of thinking and feeling about talking with women.

One woman I'm seeing starts smiling when she sees I'm gearing up to talk to strangers. These days I can't help it, I do it automatically. Plus between teaching yoga and all the networking I do, I'm constantly running into people I know. People come up to *me* to say hello. Be that guy.

That said: you don't talk, you get them to talk. When you're with a new woman, don't be a bitch and tell her everything about yourself. Be secretive. Keep your dark secrets to yourself. Woman told me the other day, "You're so frustrating trying to find out anything about you" and this is almost nine months into the relationship. They love the mystery and they love trying to get your secrets out of you. Don't fall for their tricks and tell them your fears and secrets, like a little fucking girl.

SOCIAL AND THE FIRST FEW LAYS:

Women are everywhere. If you're talking to women all over the place, eventually some of the intereactions will turn into flirting - learn to read IOIs and go from there. That said, stay the fuck out of nightclubs unless you're in Vegas or L.A. Just fucking stay out. They're for kids.

Take the easy lays to get back in practice and get over the "I'm cheating" guilt at the back of your head, and get the yips out. There's going to be women in your social circle that you've known for years, who will start giving you signals when they hear you're getting divorced. Take the easy lay, that's what it's there for, it's fucking nature doing its thing. Don't worry about social blow back because you're also starting to cultivate a "me first, I don't give a fuck" attitude. I'm not saying fuck your ex wife's sister or mother; but if there's a casual friend you both know, who cares, make her a practice chick.

And for fucking God's sake, don't be the simp who falls in love with the first woman who touches your peen after your divorce. We've all seen that guy, and it's fucking pathetic. Holy fuck, do not be that guy.

MISSION:

Find and execute your mission. This one surprised me both how fulfilling it is personally, and how much it adds to making you a real man and getting women interested.

It doesn't have to be Earth changing or take a lifetime to build. But now that you have all this free time not devoted to your ex, use it. It's weird, but this really attracts women. This was a revelation to me, to hear a cutie say, "I think it's so cool you do [your mission]"

It can be something simple like collecting used towels for the local animal shelter. Have a few parties, invite friends and tell them to bring towels. Do this for a few months, then find a new mission.

Literally, every woman I talk to about my missions are fascinated by it. I can see them smile and lean in when they find out I'm working on x or writing something new. They don't want to give themselves to yet another bum who works a shitty job then goes home at night and watches t.v. and takes them on the same old date. You should be living an interesting life, and inviting women to join in parts of it.

I cannot stress this enough: have a mission and actually work it. This is the exception to talking about yourself. Talk about your mission and let your passion show through.