Struggling through breakup

319Skew · 2022-10-30T13:24:37+00:00

10 days is nothing to get over someone if you had an emotional investment.

Allow yourself to accept that you're sad. Focus on what you did right.

Read up meditations by marcus.

Your turn is over. You existed before her and will after.

Finally, quit putting her on a pedestal. When you strip out the emotions, she's not anything better than the average woman.

KagedRageius · 2022-10-30T16:49:00+00:00

“You see this goblet?” asks Achaan Chaa, the Thai meditation master. “For me this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, ‘Of course.’ When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious.”

Start going into every interaction with a woman as if it’ll end, because it most likely will. It could end after years, weeks, or even a 30 second conversation. You will find that her leaving won’t affect you anymore. This is outcome independence.

Then start realizing that the glass shop up the road has thousands of others goblets to choose from. Some bigger, some stronger, some more aesthetically pleasing, etc. And globally, there are hundreds of thousands of glass shops with billions of goblets. This is abundance.

PiperBigBell · 2022-10-30T14:55:59+00:00

Let me tell you something real.

You need to heal brother. You may not see your situation as traumatic, but any event that triggers intense negative emotional reactions is a form of trauma. This sort of phrasing is not feminine and is not to call you weak or broken. It's simply real life and being human.

While you should be doing things like eating well, working out, reading to keep your mind and body sharp through this difficult time, you actually need to stay away from women for a time. You're using them as a tool to validate how cool you think you are, you're self worth, your masculinity, dominance, etc. It's all ego.

If you do not take time to sit with your emotions, truly feel the pain, truly sit in the pain and let it process without judgement, observe your thoughts, you will not heal properly and will carry it everywhere you go. It will come out years down the line when you least expect it.

You will be stuck in a trauma state and next time you're with a girl who does something that triggers a thought that reminds you of your ex, you will have a disproportionate reaction.

You need to take time to not only examine where you went wrong, which I promise you is not as readily apparent as you might think, but to let life speak to you regarding where you should go from there. There are days you're going to feel good, then guilty, then downright depressed, crazy, like a recluse. You need to grieve.

Those things are all normal as you make sense out of things. You cannot just undo over a year and half spent with a person you cared about. That's not how it works. There's a bond there. Time that was spent. You might not want to here this, but taking time to accept and rest and recover will do far more for you than a "reclaiming my masculinity tour".

I'm not saying you can't have sex with these women, which is likely based out of anger and pride, been there. But do not chase it to get rid of the feelings your ex helped bring on. You need to be able to pursue these desires you have from a healthy place, a genuine place, an ego free place.

It will feel extremely time consuming and inconvenient, but things you spent immense amounts of time doing, require quality time on the backend. Not two years per se. Could be a few weeks or a month or two. You can't count it.

I promise you, as stoic as you think you are, you are in a lot more pain than you think you are. Let it go brother. It's okay.

Marcozy14 · 2022-10-30T14:22:10+00:00

There’s a reason guys start doing all the things post break up (start lifting, meditating, picking up hobbies, having more nights out with their friends, focusing on their finances, focusing on their purpose, flirting with strangers, etc)

Were you doing these things while in your relationship? My best guess is no, because then you wouldn’t be writing about losing her. You’d be at your pinnacle and you’d be ready to find another.

The lesson here is to continue working on you, WHILE in a relationship. Good luck bro, it’ll get better. Do the things.

Positive-Lifeguard80 · 2022-10-30T13:42:33+00:00

[permanently deleted]

SalporinRP · 2022-10-30T15:02:55+00:00

I held frame the majority of the relationship and was able to dictate the course of it.

Eventually she kept picking up this habit of breaking up with me then expecting me to chase her then get her back. Rinse and repeat etc.

Do you not see how these two things are incongruent? Doing that shit once is grounds for telling her to fuck off for life. You say she did it 3 times in one month. It's an emotional hostage powerplay from women because deep down they know that 99% of the time the breakup is worse for the guy.

From your short description it sounds like she sucks, you just overlooked it mostly because she was hot.

That being said, every guy goes through a shitty breakup once in their life, and even if the girl was a bitch it still sucks.

You spent a year and a half forming an emotional bond with someone only to go cold turkey. If someone isn't affected by that, they are a sociopath.

Get back to your goals, focus on yourself, and take it day by day. And more importantly, remember to not fall back into beta bullshit when you get comfortable in your next relationship.

adam-l · 2022-10-30T17:57:34+00:00

LoL just a year and a half, and got out without children too.

Dude, you got an expensive lesson for free. Lucky bastard.

Remember that next time you're thinking of commitment. She's never yours, it's just your turn.

Thinkingard · 2022-10-30T18:23:40+00:00

I looked through your post-history OP. Is this person you broke up with the same person you complained about having a dead bedroom with? If so, then your feelings are simply undealt with. You knew this person was not a person you wanted to be with. Perhaps you have been lying to yourself or are unwilling to see things as they are.

You are still painfully young and immature. Women do not fix that. You may still be mourning the loss of your mother, you lost her at a very young age and for that you have my condolences. You can't bury feelings and call it stoicism. You have to deal with feelings as they come. Even if you spent an entire night bawling your eyes out mourning the loss of your girlfriend, it's far better for your mental health in the long run than refusing to feel anything, because your mind will figure out ways to bring it back up.

For a young guy, if you have a promising career, focus on that and take care of yourself. Being with women is not a form of self-care. I also noticed a pattern of performance anxiety posts. You have a real problem with anxiety that should be dealt with. I suggest journaling about it.

You also seem to ask strangers on the internet for help with heavy emotional stuff and that is a sign you are not properly dealing with your own problems. You have to think about and process your own stuff, you have to journal, you have to make decisions for yourself on how you will proceed, you have to make sure you do not lie to yourself.

Woujo · 2022-10-30T18:37:41+00:00

I have an article on break-ups: https://www.woujo.com/blog/breakup

simplecountry_lawyer · 2022-10-30T18:36:44+00:00

You will get over it man, it just takes time. If it helps, try to remember that the reason your ex got all upset and emotional at the bar and was reaching out to you for "closure" isn't because she is "oh so deeply in love with you", it's because as you say, you're a guy with good value that has a good career/lifestyle etc. She knows your value exactly, whereas the dating market is a big question mark. Sure, maybe she finds someone as good as you or better who will commit to her right away, but more likely it ends up being a ton of time and energy on her part with no guarantees of anything. And most importantly, she will have to fend for herself in the interim. When actually faced with this choice of course she's gonna try to see if it's possible to reel you back in first. That way she has options, she can continue to use you for support until and unless it becomes possible for her to monkey branch to an equal or greater value guy. You are making the responsible decision for both of you by denying her that possibility, because that's absolutely what would have happened if you got back together. But try not to hold all this against her, she's just doing what she's programmed to do. It's subconscious on her part. Biology, not malicious intent.

Best advice I ever got in getting over an ex was being reminded of this sad but true reality. The crying and needing "closure" stuff is an act, all out of pure self interest. You might think it's love, she may even think it's love, but it's not. The minute it really truly sinks in that you are completely done with her, she will be jumping into bed with other guys immediately in an attempt to replace you with zero thought about you or your relationship whatsoever. It's a jungle out there. Really glad to see you going your own way and prioritizing yourself. You have a ton of options, the future is your playground. Take some time, process all of this, then go have fun.

jacobjonesthe2nd · 2022-10-30T23:39:47+00:00

You’re going to feel crappy for a while. FOCUS ON IMPROVING YOURSELF through the pain period, and by the time you’re over the relationship, you’ll be at an entirely new level.

This story sounds identical to mine. I felt horrible for 6-9 months. But I worked on myself. Six pack. Company built. Dating quality beautiful people.

By the time I felt better, my ex reached out. I realized she wasn’t even in my league anymore. I was levels above dating a girl with her characteristics, even though she was beautiful and successful.

Godspeed king 👑 work on yourself throughout the pain period.

captainsaveahoe69 · 2022-10-30T16:04:29+00:00

Time will make it better, going no contact will speed it up too.

neverendingplush · 2022-10-30T14:30:53+00:00

U don't need her as much as u think u do. My ex is a nut job, don't know how she wipes her ass or manages to brush her teeth as she seems to function in an alternate reality. I saw her as my everything, and couldn't imagine a second without her.

alphaonthecomeup · 2022-10-30T20:38:44+00:00

It’s gonna take a lot of time brother. I still haven’t fully recovered and my break up was almost 3 years ago.

Take your time with it for real. Enjoy your single life, try to keep busy with friends and new girls and travels and shit, but just know when those feelings come up, to let yourself feel them and to know that it is okay that you feel them. They lessen with time.

Try to block her social media also. It’s not really the best thing to keep up with her and shit. The quicker you can do this the better.

pappo4ever · 2022-10-31T09:57:25+00:00

10 days? try 10 years and then you might have a problem. I usually get over it in 10-15 years.

One thing I can add, is that you always believe that the breakup is because of something you did, you became beta, or you could have fixed the relationship. All the breakups I had, I figured out months later that were caused by some guy entering her life (or her, literally). Some ex-boyfriend came back to the city, some guy she met at work. Women are always looking for a better model, can you be the best men she knows? yes, for some time, not all the time.

Remember, you do not get worse, you mostly stay the same. So why she break with you at some particular moment and no other? it's always another man. Always, and even if you know about it (and many times I knew) there is nothing you could do to prevent she going away. There is a reason women were basically imprisoned in the middle ages. Its because they do this shit.

PatternEast7185 · 2022-10-31T00:48:08+00:00

i'm probably a little older than you ... i've been through 3 major LTR breakups in my life ... 2 with women that i deeply respected and loved, and one with a woman who gave me the wildest, dirtiest, grimiest sex of my life ... all three times i felt completely lost and heartbroken when things went sour and the relationship spun out of control

ALL THREE OF THEM LOOK OLD AS FUCK NOW

Trust me bro, you think you need her but you don't

whether you are in a relationship or not, as a man you need to always be ready to stand on your own two feet alone, and it gets easier the more you invest in yourself

you gotta suffer through this heartbreak man, it's normal, it's a right of passage

but remember ... a woman wants to get off on you getting off on yourself

so keep investing in yourself

Don_Draper27 · 2022-10-31T12:26:49+00:00

I’m going through the same motions right now. 1 year LTR, broke up 8 days ago. It was toxic towards then end as well.

Worst part for me is sleeping. It’s harder to fall asleep, then I have dreams about her, then I get up after a few hours and just start my day.

My routine right now is work, gym, meditate, journal, and walk my dog.

If you aren’t meditating or journaling then definitely start now. They help a lot. Cut out substances. Drop anything now that lowers your inhibition like alcohol, weed, porn, etc.

My main focuses right now are my body /looks and my career. I try and align all of my actions towards my goals, even if I have to drag my feet.

Be wary of media. Try and consume TV and music that are more macho. Sad lyrics or depressing TV drama can have break up triggers.

Overall I just try and focus on Jordan Peterson’s “be 1% better every day”. Even if it’s something as small and simple as clipping your toe nails right now vs. tomorrow. All the wins add up.

Just be patient and get comfortable being uncomfortable. Our brains don’t like to feel “bad”, and they always seek out the quickest solution (get back with ex, relapse on a bad habit, etc.)

terholan · 2022-10-30T18:47:54+00:00

You invested too much time and effort into person and when you broke up, you feel like part of you is missing. This is normal, distract yourself and give it time to heal your wounds. Best way to deal with it is to find a short-term or even long-term purpose and stick with it.

Men conquer worlds, women conquer men.

ReleaseFun6141 · 2022-10-30T18:52:48+00:00

10 days are nothing.It took me almost 4 months to get over girls.I would reach out to the girls from time to time and this made recovery tougher.Make sure you remain cold turkey if you wanna recover quicker.

thenakedblindman · 2022-10-30T22:32:36+00:00

Going through the same thing with my ex of 2.5 years. I've went on a few handful of dates but I seem to keep comparing them to how awesome she was.

Ok_Management4634 · 2022-10-31T04:16:14+00:00

What you are going through is normal.

Men strongly bond to women. That's just how we are. (Ok, maybe not all men, but most men, especially young men).. That's why men feel so betrayed when their wife/gf cheats on them.

You did the right thing of ending the circus of breakup/back together. Seems like you did everything right.. And honestly, do not blame yourself for the relationship ending because you became too beta.. It's hard to keep a woman long term.. thus the expression "she's not yours, it's just your turn".. Many women get bored after they've been with the same guy for an extended period of time, so they start to create drama, more "Tests",etc.. It was a blessing this relationship ended.

Just give it time, that's all you can do now.. If you think about her, turn your attention to the bad times, don't think about the good times..

liamjacobjose4 · 2022-11-08T17:05:21+00:00

I've only one advice to you. DO NOT reach out to her NO MATTER WHAT!

I reached out to her to just test the water. Damn, these hoes can be real nasty. I reached out telling that "I'm ill" even if I wasn't really ill. Good lord, if you want to see the real face of your girl, talk with her post break up. Damn, all guys here will agree this. She will be like a different lady. Probably from another world.

justdontfindme · 2022-10-31T01:28:24+00:00

Hey man, I've been through a breakup recently too. TRP philosophy aside, take time for yourself, focus on yourself, spend time with friends, and day-by-day time will go by faster and you will heal. A blog which I think may help you is maxjancar.com (not sure if linking is allowed).

Stay strong.

Acceptable_Yam4795 · 2022-11-03T17:35:08+00:00

Learn about no contact. You need to go through the pain now, as it will free you down the road. When you're over-committed, it's coming from a place of doubt within yourself. You confront those doubts by going no contact. It sucks. It's agonizing. But it is the single most powerful way to retake the power, even if you don't get back with her. If a chick dumps you, and you say nothing and disappear off the planet from them, it fucks with their head 99.99% of the time to the point where they eventually break. It's a cheat code to reset the relationship and rebuild frame. Where most dudes fuck up is by breaking no contact and chasing. No contact allows you to cleanse yourself of those unhealthy feelings of neediness. It sucks, and it hurts and its a bitch to go through, especially the first time. But once you do, walking away becomes easy, and then the power is always in your hands.

4rjun4 · 2022-11-05T04:51:00+00:00

Just went through one myself.

It's not easy. I know. But we're men.

Pain won't break us. It will make us better, stronger, and wiser.

As long as we keep getting better every single day, we'll get our due. Plenty of fish in the sea.

One day we'll look back and smile at the memories. How it makes us the person who we are now.

But for now, let's continue our gym session, brother.

Sir_Distic · 2022-10-31T03:27:44+00:00

Keep doing what you're doing. You're mourning the death of a relationship. It takes time to fully get it out of your system. Especially when a woman wears away at your masculinity and makes you beta.

Metalgear222 · 2022-11-03T19:54:51+00:00

Oxytocin is a hell of a drug. You’re purging your system back to balance. It’s real simple OP; stay with me on this..

When you feel that “empty or loneliness” feeling start to wash over you, recognize, this is my brain doing brain chemistry things to make me feel this way. This is the effect my brain has when detoxing oxytocin. That awareness itself is the key to keeping focused and having that feeling last as little as needed. Don’t fight it. Accept and recognize. Sit with it. Watch it fade into the distance like the yellow Starwars text that is no longer legible as it drifts further and further.

ImpressiveGiraffe94 · 2022-10-31T01:44:21+00:00

Always value yourself more than anyone else period . And the oxytocin release bonded you to her just store it and notice your aggressive Brent to other woman and pursue them once a week nutting focus on yourself get stronger faster better at everything you care about and if she wants you back she will find a way but most of the time disrespect is disrespect and you valued her more in a degree so move on it’s not worth it you need to nut in more women

kuziadog · 2022-11-06T19:09:12+00:00

You will find someone better. The sex will be so good you will laugh at your previous relationship.

Come back to this post when you do cuz you know I'm right

GoldCoast92 · 2022-12-06T10:46:42+00:00

Listen, what you're feeling is normal. This person was a big part of your life, no matter how toxic the relationship seemed at the end.

Just remember what your choices are. 1. End up getting back together, start the whole toxic cycle over until you die. You will be miserable. 2. Be miserable now and probablydor the next few months or maybe even longer, (It took me 1 year to get over a break up once, then find someone who you DON'T have a toxic relationship with.

The-Hoss62 · 2022-12-27T22:17:42+00:00

Just to update all:

Thanks.. wow looking back wrote this close to two months ago. Surprising how time heals some, but pain lingers which is normal.

Most surprising thing I’ve realized from this thread and post breakup is the power of no contact. Never reached out, never interacted, etc. Kept running into her a month post breakup and words were exchanged and an argument occurred briefly. Days later she reaches out and we meet up to hear what she says and to hear to say how the relationship ended… I know closure a bit beta whatever. After an hour of talking senseless talking of her. just proceeded to do my old tactics and smashed like a champ in my car then dropped her off momentarily after we wrapped up.

Next day she was very upset as to why I wasn’t trying to get her back or fix the relationship. I remained adamant that she chose this path and we would never get back together. She was Especially upset, since we had sex on my terms and not hers, and that I wasn’t seeking getting back together. Ultimately i stuck to my guns and just saw her as the way she started, “a plate”. Wow felt good to have my sex drive back and have sex on my terms rather than Hers. it felt good to have sex one more time and end proper on my terms of not wanting to get back together. To this day we remain no contact but better terms than the way we originally ended. Which I am glad about, don’t want any bad blood and I went out on my own terms. Hopefully was able to maybe alpha widow her to an extent who knows.

I mean all in all break up still sucks, however things are looking up. Working out a lot, new job, friends helping me out etc… I do not miss my ex but rather miss a relationship. Which I fully recognize and I am aware to never pursue or get back into anything. Rather take this time to be single and improve myself until another one comes along that checks my boxes (which I will vet for awhile)

In conclusion I learned a few things. 1. She was big part of my performance anxiety 2. She had no intention on breaking up with me/ maybe she wanted to Test the waters for a bit and return to me 3. Importance of sticking to your guns when it’s no contact… they Always come back.

Thanks for everything guys

Steelrain322 · 2022-10-30T17:30:29+00:00

Start watching David goggins on YouTube .

Nighthawk_Black_ · 2022-10-30T19:48:38+00:00

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

serio1337 · 2022-10-31T03:32:06+00:00

What do you mean by you became beta? Sex declined etc etc? Am I misunderstanding a relationship, I mean if she doesn't want sex that's her decision. Should I be expecting my SO to spread her legs whenever I want it?

I guess I'm conflicted, this question stems from my own relationship

hotwomyn · 2022-11-01T21:25:21+00:00

It’s okay to feel pain, even when you’re a man. It’s how you react to pain that matters and you’re reacting correctly ( being stoic, etc ). Sounds like you lack a strong mission outside of your personal life. You should be so busy taking over the world that you barely have any time thinking about any girls especially an ex. Just like you wouldn’t eat junk food don’t consume junk thoughts they do do damage. Anytime you find yourself thinking about her immediately catch yourself and say to yourself “I don’t give a fk about that btch”. There’s absolutely no reason to daydream about a woman who was clearly toxic. Keep improving yourself and raise your status till you have options. If you follow these rules in 3 months you gonna run into her and think “omg I can’t believe I used to be into her what was I thinking”.

spicycrispers · 2022-11-02T21:41:38+00:00

you have more time to spend with your brothers, and you can do everything you did before but with a different girl by your side, and she might even come back. you can't lose, keep your head up!

quantum-fitness · 2022-11-03T11:50:09+00:00

Do stuff and be busy so you wont think so much about her. In 6 months it will be better.

HugoJP · 2022-12-27T21:14:24+00:00

The real Red Pill is when you realize that the reason she left you is why you're feeling like shit.

Shit is triggered because on some level you are depending on her. Emotional stability, sex, feeling loved/needed, whatever. And women instinctively sense this & start distancing themselves.

If you couldn't care less if a woman left, she most likely wouldn't. And if she does, it would bother you for about 10 minutes.

Title	Struggling through breakup
Author	The-Hoss62
Upvotes	109
Comments	74
Date	October 30, 2022 1:12 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/TheRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/yhdyx2/struggling_through_breakup/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/TheRedPill/struggling-through-breakup.1137703 https://theredarchive.com/post/1137703

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