Do I Contact His Ex?

ASeaOfQuotes · 2021-06-23T18:10:50+00:00

No, don’t contact her. You don’t need to prove that this abusive man levied his abuse because he hates women, that is obvious. You don’t need to wonder if it was “just you” because it’s not. You will never find the kind of validation you are looking for, which is the question “why me?” Because it’s got nothing to do with you and everything to do with what a vile, abusive, manipulative, and garbage person he is.

I highly recommend reading “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft. That is the only education you need on his abuse. It will tell you exactly what kind of man he is, which is not a man at all, but a monster in a skin suit. Negative value, through and through.

NotSoSmartChick · 2021-06-23T18:04:54+00:00

You need validation? Here you go - you’re much better off without him. He didn’t deserve you. Your life will be better now that he’s gone.

There is nothing for you in contacting her. For all you know, it'll make her reach out to him and open a whole new can of worms. Men rarely change, so you can safely assume he treated her poorly as well. Her confirming that will not feel as good as you think it will.

HighPriestess31 · 2021-06-23T18:42:02+00:00

Haha god, now I'm wondering if you dated my ex!

Seriously though it's probably not a good idea. You don't need validation from anyone. He was abusive to you, the past isn't really relevant.

pathalienation · 2021-06-23T18:23:31+00:00

Many women find validation and newly opened eyes from attending domestic violence support groups. I met women who SOUNDED like they met my ex lol.

Knowing MANY women were victimized by the EXACT same weird confusing patterns of behaviors from VARIOUS men may be even more validating for you.

bleda_princezna · 2021-06-23T19:19:08+00:00

No! I've been thinking about this as well as I'm trying to leave a situation of my own. But you might be possibly reopening some wounds by doing that.

It wasn't you. It was him. Every woman who passed him was treated like shit. You're not the exception. It was not your fault. You are enough, remember that.

super_thinker_ · 2021-06-23T20:57:53+00:00

I’ve had this temptation in the past but I think it’s best to hold your head high and look forward.

I think you are maybe second guessing his abuse (because he probably gaslit you into thinking you were crazy and overly sensitive) but you don’t need his ex to tell you that the abuse you suffered through was real. You know it was real. Everyone in this comment section knows it was real. None of this was your fault.

The best thing you can do now is redirect all of your energy back into yourself and your level up journey. You got this.

QueasyEducation5 · 2021-06-23T18:12:37+00:00

I have had the same thoughts, but honestly I don’t think it will help anything!! Could just cause drama.

bleda_princezna · 2021-06-23T19:19:13+00:00

No! I've been thinking about this as well as I'm trying to leave a situation of my own. But you might be possibly reopening some wounds by doing that.

It wasn't you. It was him. Every woman who passed him was treated like shit. You're not the exception. It was not your fault. You are enough, remember that.

Whateverbabe2 · 2021-06-23T23:31:51+00:00

No. I am myself being targeted by a master manipulator I left when I was eighteen and if one of his ex-girl friends reached out to me about him, my instinct would be self preservation.

He has contacted me pretending to be different people so many times. Beat me for telling a mutual friend I was worried for my safety left me stranded halfway across the country, convinced my stepdad to violate my restraining order so I would think I needed his protection.

If you contacted me I would be panicked, suspicious, and ready to throw you to the wolves. Leave her be.

so_crat_ic · 2021-06-23T22:36:56+00:00

my ex's new girlfriend contacted me. and she really needed the re-assurance that she's not crazy after what he pulls. and I feel her situation so hard. it was a good bonding experience, I think we will make great friends. I would say don't expect much, but feel free to send her a "hello" if it will help.

warinmymind94 · 2021-06-24T03:11:50+00:00

I think this would open a pandoras box and probably lead you to further trauma / questioning /feelings of insecurity. You have no idea how she would react either, she may be very irrational, hostile, or cause trouble.

GreatOrchidAmbition · 2021-06-24T20:02:38+00:00

I wanted to do this and I thank every day I didn't do it. Sis, just drop the whole situation. Your NVM ex will think that that is you being "obsessed" with him, because it WILL get back to him and you'll be left looking crazy.

Foomama48 · 2021-06-23T21:35:53+00:00

No, do not contact her. Your experience with him is all that matters, that’s the only validation you need- that and therapy, support groups, self care. She and her experience with him are irrelevant. Get yourself a support group and therapist to help you move forward.

msromperstomper · 2021-06-25T11:50:02+00:00

I could have written this, down to the past girlfriend that he was with for 7 years. You need to leave the past in the past. You can be sure that he treated his ex as poorly as he treated you, and just as you feel compassion for yourself, it's enough to feel compassion for this woman but also honor that she has hopefully done her healing and moved on.

If it's an option for you, seek out therapy. I've needed a therapist to push back on these thoughts of "maybe it just happened to me". More importantly, a therapist can help you shift your attention back to you. Think about what you want, and realize that this man doesn't and can't in any way meet your standards. Be courageous and admit that you want and deserve better.

Title	Do I Contact His Ex?
Author	Coupon_Problem
Upvotes	51
Comments	25
Date	June 23, 2021 6:00 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/o6iasz/do_i_contact_his_ex/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/do-i-contact-his-ex.791729 https://theredarchive.com/post/791729

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