Too low comment karma / too new for AskTRP and MarriedTRP so trying here:

I want to improve control over my life, how much mostly over sex life is unclear as at the moment I am not interested in sex at all.

40 years old, I think it is probably the T-lowering effect of daily drinking + the antidepressants I taking killing penis sensations that led to not being interested in sex. Few years ago T was around 380. Do lift, but randomly, when I am not hung over, so not making much progress, my overhead press is 45kg so 100 lbs 5 x 5. Also, cleaner food on cleaner days and not so clean food on hung over days.

My life feels incredibly BORING. My wife has similarly no interest in sex, or being feminine, because she is also stressed out and depressed. 36. She works a burger flipping job, then takes our daughter from the preschool and goes home. By the time I get home from work she is stressed as fuck from work + the usual hysterics of a small child. Pretty sure she is not fucking any other guys either, she just has no energy for fun, she is depressed like me. When I go home I have a few drinks then give my daughter a bath so that my wife can have 30 minutes of free time without our child being up her ass, she spends that time doing housework while watching an episode of Al Bundy Married With Children on the youtube, lol. Then two things can happen, either my wife takes our child to sleep and sleeps with her, in this case I sleep alone, or I take her to sleep, then my wife sleeps with me until about midnight, that is when our child wakes up starts screaming so she goes over to sleep with her. Not a very easy child. My wife goes to sleep early as she gets up at 5:00 for her burger flippy job. I go to sleep early as I am usually kind of drunk.

And that is our life. Saturday we shop groceries, maybe she cooks meanwhile I take the child to a playground, then we have another evening and then Sunday to spend aimlessly, I play some videogames (I don't like videogames but killing people in GTAV is a way to kill time, but it gets boring after 1-2 hours), they watch stuff on youtube. And then it is Monday again. I sometimes suggest things like calling a babysitter and going to a restaurant but my wife just wants to be at home and relax, so it does not really happen.

My job is very boring. I work as a specialist of a financial software package. I am fairly decently paid, make 4 times as much as wife, so basically we get to save all her salary into our savings and spend mine mostly completely. But I have no real career. Once you are an expert you are always an expert, you are never a boss because there are no large teams of experts to boss around. You know it is like your family doctor, sure well paid and respected but 30 years later he will still be a family doctor, there is no real career progress. It is the same. So there is nothing really to look forward to. I always did this and I live in a country (Central Europe) where changing career paths is very hard as people are expected to stick to what they have graduated in. Credentialist. My diplomas are perfect for this thing but for anything else not.

I know I am depressed. I am getting treated by antidepressants. A female psychiatrist. Not sure if they help. She also gives me meds, Strattera for my ADHD which we found out when I was 37. I was just too deconcentrated, I would drive and just zone out and think about stuff and almost hit a car. Nobody noticed my ADHD when I was a boy. Maybe in the US they are overdiagnosing ADHD, drugging normal boys with meth but here it is clearly undiagnosed, they just told me "you are smart, your grades are good but could be better if you paid attention" uh OK.

My depression and alcoholism makes me unmotivated. What exactly should I want? I am not suicidial in a direct sense but I don't have a will to live either, I will just hang on aimlessly until I am old enough to die without it being considered a failure, a loser thing. I think another 25 years and it is okay, my liver or lung (cigarettes) will bury me.

I have read a lot about motivation and I think most people are motivated by social status. They are aiming to gain social rank. For me the problem is that social status only exists if you interact with people. That is, if they treat you inferior or superior, right? But here in Central Europe people are autistic as fuck, neighbors, coworkers don't interact. People mostly just have a few friends. So actually people don't really have that American sense of social status, because of the lack of social interaction. People cannot treat you as superior or inferior if they hardly interact with you, right? But I don't even have that small circle of friends. I was never much interested in people and now came to hate them. The few men who are more masculine as me frighten men, the men (and women) who are less masculine than me (soyboys) disgust me. So I dislike interacting with anyone. As a result I am entirely outside social status. Not on the scale. Like I could buy an expensive car to signal wealth or a Prius to signal leftist virtue or a Hummer to signal rightist masculinity, but since I would basically never talk with anyone who would comment on it, that would simply not change my social status which is not low but simply I am outside that game. So that is also demotivating.

In a weird way I am clearly masculine. Not a soyboy. Despite the low T and being fat and weak willed. I admit my fat face looks beta. The reason I don't really look or act like a soyboy is that basically I am constantly angry and bitter and aggressive that makes it impossible to be frightened, to be scared. Being tall, muscular, fat, with a deep voice, it is easy to not be dominated when I am angry aggressive. But I very well know it is not real masculinity. It is just the lack of SOME kinds of unmasculine failures and dysfunctions, while having some other dysfunctions. I would not be nervous to ask a hot thot out if I was single and if I was still interested in sex. Not those typical beta gamma problems. The problem is my first thought is not "I wanna fuck this", it is "fuck off and die in a fire, whore". I think I am little crazy in the head but don't worries I am not going to flip out and harm someone, I am not that type. In fact I see women in the office flirting with me because when I glare at them with an angry face they don't see a frightened beta, they feel it is alpha, masculine. But in reality it is not masculine, real masculine men enjoy sex. It is just that this bitter anger washes out feelings of cowardice and similar typical beta feelings out of me.

Worst part is that I know I should stop boozing but I am not sure I want to. That is the only thing I enjoy, that hour or so of relaxing with beer and liquor in the evening, usually after my wife and child are asleep, just wandering around in the flat, drinking and thinking about stuff.

Not even sure what should I want. Therapy for stopping drinking? If everything else stays the same boredom and depression kills me. Better treatment for depression and drinking at the same time? I am at my fourth psychiatrist, just how long should I shop around?

I don't even know why do I lift anymore, even though randomly, and why not just let myself go and be super obese. Nothing would change except dying earlier which would be welcome. I guess it is that pride I have that I don't want to be a complete failure. What would change if I was super obese? My sex drive cannot be any lower, my SMV does not matter as I don't use it, inability to do physical stuff would not matter as I never do physical stuff outside the gym. Similarly, what would change if I managed to get actually fit? Maybe my sex drive would return. Maybe. In which case what, divorce wife? Not gonna happen, I like her and our child, I like the idea of not failing at being a father and husband. Cheat on her? I could do that with all the completely legal prostitutes in this country anyway, need no SMV for it, just sex drive which if I really cared a T replacement therapy could give. But I always considered putting my dick into holes a kind of pointless entertainment. The trouble is I don't even know what should I want. (Our marriage was never about sex to begin with, it was about both of us not wanting to be failures at life.)