So here is where I started: one year ago, deeply frustrated that my wife of three years showed me no respect when I sacrificed all over the place and worked my ass off. For the first year of our marriage, she was proud of my accomplishments and made me feel appreciated, but she started tapering off and as our life together grew more complex, with children and investments, and me spending more time away, she became more frequently hostile. I would come to her and say things like "I want to talk about this disagreement but you seem to be more interested in putting me down". And she would dodge the discussion and this would compound my frustration. I had no idea of how unexceptional these interactions were. Eventually, I developed a temper problem where I would get really angry at her behavior and we would exchange profanities, but she would always double down on stubborn disrespectful positions. I think naturally in men there is a desire for resolution and the overwhelming nature of being locked in a relationship where your partner is hostile and also (to your understanding) is the gatekeeper of resolution. So I was browsing reddit and looking at different forums basically querrying "why is my wife such a bitch?", and eventually I stumbled into the MRP subreddit and my eyes were opened to the false conditioning that was programed into my operating system. Began reading sidebar material and all that.

Where I am: Lost 20 pounds, fixed my lethargic appearance, began to tackle more at work, cut out useless things like video games, won two martial arts tournaments, started doing 5x5. Went from 210 20%BF to 192, maybe 14% BF, 5x5 BP 235. I know that I have come a long way. I handle all the finances.

Here is where I am: My wife is still a bitch. I cannot say that she is conditioned to a new me. I am also not without reproach. I occasionally forget errands - never out of laziness, but from the sheer scope of what I bite off. I take risks that cause my wife to stress - I am trying to build a business empire. I often ask her to sign papers and she does not have the same level of risk propensity as me, or the understanding of financial elements of business. I try to explain the benefits of leverage, how loans are not bad if we are confident in the return and we have calculated necessary cash flows etc... But as my wife, laws require her to sign this stuff. These are sources of stress for her and failure in my leadership to instill confidence and trust in her. Once she is on a wagon of not trusting me, then every little things sets her off. I forgot to do this so now she has to cover my ass and do this this and this. And this is small stuff, but she will call me a faggot bitch and tell me she wants a divorce. later she will cool off, some episodes last longer.

I think getting married and being so weak for so long that my wife calls me a faggot bitch with impunity actually means that I probably am a faggot bitch - or have been. But I am doing something that is breaking this cycle, or at least giving all my energy to it.

I am not responding to her anger. I am viewing this as a failure in my leadership. It has been a long and steep road for me to be able to not explode when she erupts at me with this. I am actually holding more frame now being able to take disrespect and insults. I am not divorcing for a couple reasons, mainly she is pregnant, but secondly, this is an outstanding proving ground for me and I am up to the challenge.

I am going to allow her to rail at me that I am this that and the other thing, and I am going to focus on getting the job done. Even at her maddest, she still does what I ask her when it comes to sign this, do this, this is our goal. I do have dominance in the relationship on that level. But there is a distrust because of who I have been in the past. Because when she has gotten stressed out instead of being a rock I have exploded back at her and called her names and blamed her.

Even when I first started MRP I fucked up a lot. Situations like this I would take as shit tests but they are actually comfort tests. She is so stressed out by a combination of risk aversion and no historical basis to trust me on, that she lashes out in panic. She has absolutely no control over herself. What I need to do is execute the mission, never once pausing to tell her tell her off. I will lead by action.

The hardest part is dealing with the huge shitfits and insults that she throws at me and staying on focus that no matter what she says, the only thing that matters is the mission. She can leave if she wants to. She can tell me she wants a divorce. I cannot control these things. Another challenge is specifically I need to communicate better with her. I need to get her to embrace my vision instead of acting unilaterally. I need to let her know that her input is welcome. Sometimes, being a leader means being humble. It means listening to that over emotional mentally 14-year old girl that you are married to, letting her get it all out, and still being able to say, "you are valuable member of the team. Lets talk about the mission and how we are going to accomplish that better, and I want to address your specific concerns."

And when she hangs up the phone in the middle of a conversation, ego says "that bitch, shes not the one that decides when the call is over, I do." (proceed to call her back 10 times out of anger to be hung up on ten more times - as I have done in the past) but a leader says "ok, she hung up on me, what is the way forward for the mission. She obviously needs a cooling off period". That is not being in her frame. That is having your own ego and emotions under control.

What is to come: I know I can do this. And I need to do it not through imposing faux-alpha characteristics but by being a leader. I have a visionary plan for my family, but my ship is in rough waters. The crew is panicking, and this is the ultimate test of leadership. Oddly, I am excited by the stress of it because I have a renewed understanding of what it will take. I am enthusiastic to watch the problems and attacks from her hit me and then melt away because they do not land. Her fears are not going to be mirrored. This is the frontier of my personal growth and I am looking forward to exploring further.