How to prepare for divorce.

askmeanything2 · 2018-09-02T14:00:39+00:00

Just going to discuss narrative

When people hear that you are divorcing your pregnant wife, and you have 3 year daughter they will get judgmental without knowing the facts. Much of what is said will be behind your back. People will include your relatives, her relatives, your friends, her friends, co-workers, boss, clients, neighbors. Social media will make this worse.

You need to decide on a narrative, practice it, and then use it before your wife's narrative is firmly in place. Your wife's narrative will include lies. She might say that you neglected her or you emotionally abused her and your daughter.

Examples:

"It's private"

Will make her the victim, so don't try this

"She fell in love with someone else"

Better, you the victim

"She was sexually involved with another man"

You the victim but too much

"There is another man, and I don't want to discuss it"

Better

ChokingDownRP · 2018-09-02T11:51:38+00:00

This sucks op, but it sounds like your head is in the right place - you've accepted what's happened. If he's only 3 hours away, that's 1.5 hours they'd each need to drive to meet up somewhere in between... they've fucked. Either way,

Act like nothing is happening, focus on being the best you that you can be, so your frame is strong and you can LEAD the whole process and ensure the best possible outcome for you and your children.
Talk to an attorney ASAP. Laws vary from state to state.
Paternity test on BOTH of the children!!
Make the most of your new life and see this as an opportunity (it is). Figure out who you are, what you want out of life and go get it. Don't just settle for the next woman that comes along. Date, spin plates, vet the hell out of anyone you're considering for a LTR.

A couple of financial ?'s: Did you keep your life insurance $ separate from other finances? If not, that may now be considered martial property instead of YOUR inheritance.

Are you tracking and paying taxes on her side hustle income? If not, her income will appear lower than it should and you will end up paying alimony to her because of your income differential. Get a CPA to ensure it is all documented and taxes are paid on any of that income. If she resists, just broken record that paying taxes is a legal line your family will not cross. Don't let her stop working entirely - the more income she has, the better!!

Good luck... this sucks, but you're doing the right thing and your life will be better because of it.

ChadwickChadington · 2018-09-03T17:32:52+00:00

Essentially all the comments, except screechhater, are advising divorce. The better of these comments point out the social fallout of divorcing a pregnant mother will be.

I will chime in with screechhater on this. Though divorce maybe the final outcome; jumping to divorce is simply the appearance of being strong, but in these circumstances are a cowardly way to attempt to makeup for past weakness. This is a general trend of poor decision making, which is that when mistakes are finally realized there is often a sudden desire for swift and radical action to makeup for it.

In this case, perhaps it is over emotionally between you and your wife, but you decided to have children with this women. You already have a small child and a new one is coming. If you have doubts then do a paternity test as others have advised. But until you do, you are responsible for these children.

The fact of the matter is that the main benefit of divorce is to be able to move onto someone else. However, this (in my world at least) is not a responsible thing to do with your current women pregnant. If you plan to man up and stay single until after the birth and things are stabilized emotionally for your children whether divorced or not, then there is not much benefit in divorce. In terms of "choosing better next time", does a women who gets with a man while his ex is still pregnant or just gave birth good material?

So, in terms of good decision making, if the benefits of an action, due to circumstance, are highly curtailed in the short term, possibly worse than little-benefit if the divorce doesn't go well for you (maybe your wife has strong counter arguments, or sexting doesn't count much, or simply being pregnant and hormonal excuses all conduct in any case, or certain laws work against you etc.), then it simply follows that the action should simply be delayed until circumstances are favorable.

Vis-a-vis divorcing later, telling a judge that you waited to divorce later because of the pregnancy I see as only giving you responsibility points, more rather than less custody of your children, reducing the risk of divorce increasing sympathy of society in general.

Others have mentioned getting a narrative right to not have way more social fallout than you're bargaining for. However, they fail to mention the most important social fallout which is your 3 year old daughter. Can you tell your 3 year old "she was sending and receiving texts" or "there was another man"? I very much doubt it. You will be understood by your child to be abandoning them during her mothers pregnancy of her little sister/brother and that's not going to age well even into adulthood. So, if you care about your children more than yourself, consider this very carefully.

Now, sometimes being a man means just taking a bad situation for sometimes a a long-ass time as it is the only responsible thing to do. For instance, I made the mistake of joining the military once. It was fucking terrible, but I joined, reasons for joining didn't change and so I lived the consequences and used the situation to improve myself.

As to what I recommend. I don't know you or your wife, so can't say how would be best, but what I would suggest you achieve is a stable married but not-having-sex situation. For instance, say that emotionally the (first) sexting has messed you up and you have to sort yourself out, even go to "counseling" or some sort (ideally fake or at least free and you find useful in any case, could be about anything). This way you can support your 3 year old and unborn child by not making the pregnancy, birth and first months stressful (which is really bad for babies and kids), keep your relationship with your 3 year old good and start a relationship with your new kid in stable conditions. Then from a stable position, post-birth move towards divorce.

This slowed-down version of divorce is worse for you (no sex) but better better for your children (unless there's some toxic chemistry that emerges). MPR is about taking responsibility, and there's isn't much greater responsibility than children, so this is what my argument is about. That a lot of the forum is simply divorce-cheer-leading is simply schadenfreude and you shouldn't mistake it for real comraderry.

MPR is also about attempting to save the marriage until (after, not before) one becomes a better version of yourself. In this case, your wife knew you as a pushover and consequences didn't matter; unfortunately for you your first real experience with boundaries are on something way out of line, so maybe it is a no-going-back situation. However, the delayed-divorce strategy also has the benefit of providing time to contemplate whether you will be really better off with another women or another lifestyle and seeing your children much less (which is almost a guarantee no matter how the divorce goes).

RedPill-BlackLotus · 2018-09-02T11:03:46+00:00

There is a really good post about how to divorce your wife I just can't find it anymore. I think It was by 88will88.

My take away from it is this.

You do not want to start a conflict with her. This is a suck it up and swallow your feelings type of thing. You chose this woman, humans are not manogomus, deal with it. (That was paraphrased from the post).

I'm assuming you are serious and this divorce is gong to happen.

Tell her "it's me not you", help her do everything, keep her happy. Pump her up, make her feel like she has a bright future. Do anything an everything to keep it smooth through the divorce process.

If you burn her with thoes screenshots it's just going to inject trembalone into her hamster and dealing with a pregnant woman with a rabbid hamster jacked on tren is something to avoid.

She's pregnant so maby one of the senior guys has a better plan. They will be along shortly. I'll keep looking for that post.

straius · 2018-09-02T13:11:21+00:00

Can't help with legal. But mentally, try to achieve a mindset of "None of it matters anymore because I've decided it's over."

Nothing will fuck you harder through the process than stewing on violation of trust, anger, desiring revenge, etc... None if your negotiation s will be clean she'll start her own revenge narratives, dig in her heels... Process will get dragged out. If you have separate lawyers, then it'll take even longer and be more expensive...

A book that was recommended to me was "The Good Karma Divorce" and it has some good tools to that end in it.

If you can assume a position of leadership through the divorce, you have a better shot of getting through it cleaner/faster.

But if she's pregnant, that's a massive wild card and it's going to throw you into weird situations where you have to provide comfort even though your angry, even though you won't feel she deserves any even though you're divorcing.

Just try to maintain the perspective that it doesn't matter (ie... Letting go of everything having to do with her, including the good things). And when you have to give comfort, even if you just feel hate or seething anger, you're doing it for you.

It's the fear that brings the insane behavior. That will be heightened because of the baby but if you can see where it's stemming from, you'll be in a better position to deal with the root causes and tamp down those outbursts to keep things moving smoothly.

Tall order. GL and just get to the other side with as little shit clinging to you as possible and you'll be as well setup for success as you can.

Rian_Stone · 2018-09-02T11:55:50+00:00

You were supposed to have the plan before you set the boundary...

Red-curious has divorce posts. Read them, also, check the front page, plus, try the search function

hack3ge · 2018-09-02T14:14:02+00:00

Make sure you use new accounts for all communications with lawyers. I got lazy this week and wife apparently has access to my email and saw my correspondence with a lawyer. Has been a fun few days - got to practice my WISNIFG skills at least. Also make sure you don’t lose access to her info or blow your cover and stay unemotional or you will fuck it up.

The shit that women will say and do is astounding. She’s told me she’s been trying hard and things have been getting better and that she is having a hard time adjusting to the new me. She started crying and I could tell it was all fake and manipulative - sure enough she stopped as soon as she realized it wasn’t working. I thought it was her having a main event at first but realized it was all bullshit. All the while she’s hanging out with some orbiter and seemingly entertaining the idea of fucking him. If she does go through with it I’m literally going full Machiavelli and will converse her divorce is our best option and she will be happier.

My plan was to wait and have leverage but she may be spooked now so I’ll just keep living like I’m a single dad while I get the divorce ready.

If you have any questions just private message me as I’m much further down the line than you.

simbarlion · 2018-09-02T10:30:15+00:00

There's nothing good about that situation, starting with 12 weeks pregnant off fertility treatment, right through to the sexting.

The boundary crossing is not a problem in the scheme of things as she clearly doesn't respect you anyway.

The problem you have is to know why. Is she just responding, is she initiating, is she bored and need feelz?

I am all for burning it down if that is what you want. But is that where you are at? Or are you just angry?

What's in those texts bro...?

oytrp · 2018-09-04T19:37:34+00:00

Don't forget to paternity test.

adeptintact · 2018-09-08T19:17:44+00:00

Normally I would say divorce, but 2 things. She's pregnant and it was texting and not actual sex. If it was actual sex, then it's different. I'd say try to work it out.

Senor_Martillo · 2018-09-02T15:52:20+00:00

Would she consider an abortion? That would clear up a lot of the problem

screechhater · 2018-09-02T15:07:07+00:00

Before you pull the plug -

Do the fucking work.

Apparently, you have not read enough.

It has been stated over and over here, get your shit together and practice on the current LTR, then next when you see it going no where.

You my friend, will rinse and repeat. Your boundary is so fucking weak, or you have so little self respect, you refuse to set the boundary when you started the LTR years ago.

Whose fault is this ??

Mosey on over to “OYS” in the main sub and get on with your life.

Your lifting numbers are average, become above average

Title	How to prepare for divorce.
Author	TheFreshOldMe
Upvotes	5
Comments	49
Date	September 2, 2018 7:29 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/9cae1f/how_to_prepare_for_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/how-to-prepare-for-divorce.204061 https://theredarchive.com/post/204061

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