Managing Couples Therapy + “STFU”?

InChargeMan · 2021-09-30T20:31:20+00:00

People go to couples therapy because they expect this therapist is going to tell their partner why they are wrong and why you are right, and then magically everything is better.

You want to fix her? Fix you.

Cloudy_Pirate · 2021-09-30T20:26:04+00:00

This comes up often enough that I just save my comment and repost it.

https://www.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/j2q24m/stfu_and_couple_therapy/g7769k1/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3

AlohaMaui808 · 2021-09-30T22:00:12+00:00

damaging a masculine frame I’ve been working on.

Frame is not a STFU/alfa mask you wear to trick the world into thinking you've got your shit together while internally you're an emotional needy little bitch.

You have no Frame.

Stop worrying about your marriage and start worrying about fixing your lack of mental point of origin.

PutABabyInThat · 2021-09-30T21:28:56+00:00

all likely to make me seem like a needy bitch

There is no "seem" here. You absolutely ARE a needy bitch.

Saying those things out loud just shows everyone what you really are.

But, saying them out loud, "seeming" like a bitch to people... none of that shit matters because those things aren't the actual problem.

if expressed in front of my wife, thus damaging a masculine frame I’ve been working on

So you think frame is determined by how your wife perceives you? If she perceives you as "masculine" then you have a masculine frame?

Argentina_MRP · 2021-09-30T22:04:41+00:00

If your wife is asking for counseling, your marriage has been done for a while. Women like to throw out "marriage therapy" as a way to wave their hands to say that they tried to save a dying relationship. I agree with everyone else that you need to focus on yourself. Forget your wife and the marriage, start putting action items together on your side. Go and continue to lift heavy and start going through the sidebar again. I would suggest checking out the divorce section of the sidebar as that's where you are headed.

Tyred_Biggums · 2021-09-30T21:19:19+00:00

What’s the best way to navigate this?

“I will no longer be going to couples therapy”

You’re welcome.

oobertas · 2021-09-30T20:13:23+00:00

If you can STFU, fog, etc. and hold frame, it's just a matter of how much time you want to waste with it. I entertained it for three sessions, then peace-outed. If you're nailing your shit, and your marriage isn't dead already, no one will care if you bow-out. If they do care, fuck 'em.

40_Rock · 2021-10-01T00:48:36+00:00

Do you like watching a train wreck from the inside? That’s what I am doing as I also am currently in couples therapy. I had also half assed fixing myself the first time when I just sprinkled some Alpha on it and was a whiny needy bitch who got stuck in an anger phase. It’s how I got there. I didn’t lift with a plan. I didn’t get my macros in check. Around the house I delegated which meant I leaned on her, not led. And in the end as we spiraled toward divorce, I agreed to give counseling a try so that not going wasn’t held against me.

But I also started working on Owning my shit (my OYS is coming). I am listening to the books again and actually practicing them.

I find couples therapy interesting to see practical female psychology laid out in real time. All couples therapy has actually done is reinforced that she is the biggest teenager in the house and that when I lead, things are better.

So now I just shut the fuck up in counseling (I respond to questions but don’t raise issues or complaints or expect the therapist to fix me. I take a stoic stance “it is what it is” and make it clear that I do things for me, not for her or her validation. Is it working? Sort of… my actions should speak louder than words, but a lot of her complaining and nagging has gone away. So my current assessment is that maybe it fixes her (who knows or cares) but it won’t fix you.

business_-_travel · 2021-09-30T20:18:28+00:00

Yeah, I've got some tips...

If you go to couples counseling, you have failed...
If you agree to go to couples counseling, you have failed...
If you agree to go to couples counseling to make your wife happy, you have failed...
If you agree to whatever wishes your wife has for you, you have failed...
If you are doing anything in order to make your wife happy, you have failed...
If you are turning your life around to keep her happy, you have failed...

Next time your wife brings up the topic of counseling or therapy, tell her that you are going to lift. Then actually go and lift. It's clear to me that you have been trying to do everything in your power to make your wife happy. Women hate it if you make them the pinnacle of your happiness. You have clearly been walking on eggshells around this woman and are looking for ways to keep her happy and engaged.

Here is the major point of MRP, it's not about your woman, it's about you. We are not here to save any relationship, marriage, plate, or whatever the fuck you have going on in your life. MRP saves that man - period. All of your insecurities, mommy issues, daddy issues, and worries can all be sorted out by reading through all of the material on the MRP sidebar. It's not just about reading the material, but it's about internalizing the info and putting everything you learn into practice.

You have lots of work to do on yourself. Why? Because you have no frame. You have to build your frame. Act as if your wife is dead. If your wife wasn't around, what would you be doing? You are so deep into your wife's frame it's obvious to any MRP veteran around here. You actually need to focus on yourself. No one here gives a shit about your wife - no one. What are you planning on doing? What are your goals? Fix yourself first and everything else will follow. Finally, stay the fuck away from the mainstream subs such as relationship advice. Everything you need is located in the MRP sidebar. Get to work, fucker!

oldskoolflavor · 2021-09-30T20:09:19+00:00

I am not speaking on behalf of the MRP community but I think STFU during therapy sessions will not be very beneficial. Almost like buying a fkn airplane just to get free peanuts.

I would let all that shit out during therapy and go back to maintaining and building my frame outside. I don't have much time to articulate what I'm trying to say but I think you get the point.

wild_deer_man · 2021-10-01T14:11:16+00:00

Your wife is probably just a reflection of what you feel inside, if you had felt differently about yourself, most likely you would never stay with a person that underappreciated your value.

Your wife is probably just a reflection to what you feel inside, if you had felt differently about yourself, most likely you would never stay with a person that underappreciated your value.

There is nothing wrong with all the feelings you described but the therapist is not going to make her appreciate you more. You should start by appreciating yourself more and doing the emotional work of healing the needy part of you that needs your wife's validation to feel good.

ragnar_Daneskjold · 2021-10-04T17:38:58+00:00

I have insecurities and complaints that will be tempting to bring up,
things like not feeling properly loved or appreciated, not feeling like
my wife tries hard enough in the relationship, and some resentment
issues.

Assume responsibility for ALL OF THESE. They're YOUR insecurities and feelings and you're a man who can handle all of his weaknesses and all of his feelings good or bad. You do not need to burden a woman with them.

Secondly. Everything your wife brings up is one of HER problems or feelings. You have no responsibility to change them, fix them or discredit them. You will be tempted when you hear her level complaints about you to DEER and explain why she shouldn't mustn't FEEL that way but remember its just her feeling, not real and not a threat to you.

Your success in this lies in your ability to be on top of all your shit and make it safe for her to share her shit with you. I went to couples counseling several times earlier this year and it went great with the attitude I described above. After a few sessions, I started to flat out refuse to schedule more. "Nope, sorry! I feel fine. You want to talk? Come to bed and tell me what's going on."

Chard-Far · 2021-10-05T05:31:30+00:00

You haven't done the work.

Go Head and divorce. Your problems will chase you go your next relationship.

Title	Managing Couples Therapy + “STFU”?
Author	Psteaz
Upvotes	7
Comments	49
Date	September 30, 2021 8:04 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/pyropd/managing_couples_therapy_stfu/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/managing-couples-therapy-stfu.1073304 https://theredarchive.com/post/1073304

Comments