STFU conundrum

UEMcGill · 2023-01-10T20:34:37+00:00

Go look through the archives for stuff on shit tests and DEER. STFU doesn't mean go all aspy on her and stare into the abyss. It means quit trying to change her feelings by explaining your way away (and drying up her vagina in the process).

STFU should be zen-like. It's contemplative, not a reaction. Look at her and imagine her with pigtails and child like, then think of how you would react. Do you explain your way to a fussing 10 year old? Do you defend your actions to a yammering 6 year old? No.

STFU is a mental state, not method.

LiftandSTFU · 2023-01-10T20:00:57+00:00

It doesn’t mean STFU all the time. It means STFU during shit tests and stop responding to her criticism at all until you have better tools internalized to respond well instead of responding poorly.

Don’t be a robot.

coffeefrog92 · 2023-01-10T21:49:35+00:00

As other has said, STFU isn't about artistically going silent. It's about always saying less than necessary and especially avoiding DEER.

If you immediately reduce your typical speaking habits drastically you will look artistic. Your STFU should subtly signal a redirection of attention away from her to more important things. If behaviour improves, you may judiciously redirect some of that attention back to her.

So work on that first. If you get the accusation again, look up fogging.

Stock response would be: 'Yeah, I can see why you'd think that'.

Indubious1 · 2023-01-11T03:38:31+00:00

lol lemme help you out: STFU serves the purpose of stopping your defensiveness. Confident people don’t explain away their decisions. They make the best choice possible at the time and sometimes make mistakes. If they make a mistake, they own it and learn from it. Being defensive usually means you’re not confident in your choice(s) and justifying why you did something serves to validate your own ego. It’s weakness. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s how you handle them afterwards that make the difference.

The goal isn’t to shut your wife out. It’s to stop you from making yourself look weaker. So have fun with your wife and if she points something out, amplify. If my wife makes a suggestion and it works, I will go on about how she had the best idea for the day. Or something dumb and cheesy like that. Who doesn’t like to be bragged on? I also always listen to her criticism. The difference is that I’m not weak in character and can accept the criticism if it’s valid or move on if it’s not. lol the goal isn’t to be a dick. It’s to grow a backbone.

BraveNewWorld1722 · 2023-01-11T03:51:50+00:00

Fellow new guy here, I did the same thing at the beginning a few months ago. I thought STFU meant don’t talk and I was close to silent for like a week and a half. After some huge fights about WTF was wrong with me I dug deeper into the archives and got a better idea, so I’m improving there now.

The comments here are great, this is one of the better threads on the topic. This will be useful to a lot of people.

SteelSharpensSteel · 2023-01-11T00:07:01+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6x3uwc/new_to_mrp_starting_to_understand_the_concepts/dmcyrp5/

adeptintact · 2023-01-12T22:05:10+00:00

DARE helps me pretty well, and it's not just STFU.

Deflect - Fogging and Negative Inquiry, Amused Mastery - Agree & Amplify, Repeat - Broken Record, Exit - STFU or physically leave

It helps to stop DEERing and gives you more tools than just being an STFU mute. My wife tried to pick an argument with me last night and I used a combination of it. She walked away saying this isn't going anywhere, then apologized to me a few hours later. It's effective.

I especially like fogging as I agree with some part of her statement which is factually correct, but don't give an inch to her point of view. Diffuses the situation while not giving in to what she wants.

Fritz_Frauenraub · 2023-01-16T14:42:59+00:00

For a lot of guys who have never known anything but DEERing, a retard robot STFU phase is kind of normal. After a while, you kind of internalize it and start to loosen up.

james-the-professor · 2023-01-10T20:00:43+00:00

First, reflection: "Weird? What does weird mean?"

Get curious to see if she will tell you specifics on her observations.

_RPeed · 2023-01-10T19:59:40+00:00

STFU

EmirSc · 2023-01-10T21:09:32+00:00

Say: lets talk about our feelings

Meteor1x · 2023-01-10T20:01:58+00:00

How bad of a case is your autism? Don't answer...

muzzy_W0e · 2023-01-10T20:04:49+00:00

Go to /r/Showerthoughts and start spouting some of that shit

If you're explaining why you're STFU'ing, you're not STFU'ing are you though.

Title	STFU conundrum
Author	snack_package
Upvotes	16
Comments	38
Date	January 10, 2023 7:54 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/108j4xd/stfu_conundrum/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/stfu-conundrum.1146208 https://theredarchive.com/post/1146208

Comments