How do you dads do it?

beardestbird · 2020-01-12T22:41:32+00:00

You can't hold a woman accountable. Instead, lead by example.

My mother alienated me from my father. Until mid-teens, I resented him, thought he was the source of a huge part of our misery. Late-teens, I found out more and more that he was a total badass. Self-made and all that shit. And in turn, what my mother said about him meant jackshit.

Actions spoke louder than words. Own your shit and STFU.

fretty555 · 2020-01-12T23:01:06+00:00

Focus on the actual problem. Your son is the one who needs you. Forget about your wife, and give your son what he needs, which is a father.

jenovajunkie · 2020-01-12T23:38:06+00:00

Women use children to hurt their ex-husbands or husbands. I know of a couple who had marriage problems, and the wife took off with the kids and threatened the husband to throw the kids in the river and then herself; it was fucked up.

That hurts any man, unless you're a fucking sociopath. Lead by example is good advice though, you can't control what she says. Your best bet is being there for the child when you can, but you need to find yourself another partner to balance the stress that your ex is handing you.

MattyAnon · 2020-01-13T00:25:07+00:00

I want to hold her accountable for the actions she did

Noone holds women accountable. Not society and not themselves.

youcantdenythat · 2020-01-13T00:03:25+00:00

You say he wasn't feeling well, but why not pick him up anyway? Can't you take care of him as good as she can? If not, you may want to work on that.

Another idea would be to leave after he was asleep.

Don't try to hold her accountable, she will never feel like she is wrong about anything. It's like teaching rocket science to a monkey. You will wear yourself out trying and you will annoy the monkey.

Lastly, yeah, take all that anger and negative energy and use it to make yourself better. If nothing else, go directly to the gym and take that shit out on the iron.

svenfromaccounting · 2020-01-12T22:50:38+00:00

Look man, you got raped by feminist north america. They enable these shenanigans. Its not you. I've seen tons of men go through this shit. If you let it break you, you lose. By 50 years old you will be back on your feet with your own home and a hotter younger wife.

By 50 she'll likely be broke and a bitter old cunt.

You'll win.

cat_magnet · 2020-01-12T22:50:24+00:00

It should absolutely rattle you. What a terrible situation for your son. It is the reason why men need to practice extreme vetting before procreating. I have a daughter and I can not imagine not seeing her everyday.

ThinSpiritual · 2020-01-13T04:34:10+00:00

Back in my HS days, my dad would wake up early to wake me up (essentially giving me daily morning calls), so that I didn't have to worry about oversleeping on my alarms. He'll also prep breakfast first, usually a ham & egg sandwich, before waking me up. After that, he'll drive me to school, and we'll chat or just sit silently to listen to the AM radio together.

He did that daily for years, and it felt only normal to me. I never really stopped to appreciate him for these "normal things" because he did it silently. He never brought it up during any arguments too (ie. he never complained even when he lectured me on wrongdoings; on the contrary, my mom would often bitch about wasting time and effort on me when she's upset -- I still love her though).

So why am I talking about this now that I'm a 30+ grown-ass man? Because it wasn't until my RP awakening in recent years, I was able to connect the dots and internalized the role of men and father by thinking about my father. He was stoic and consistent. The love he gave, and is still giving, me helped me understand men's love vs. women's love.

Not sure if this is useful for you at all, but don't need to get mad or try to control your ex's actions. You're only accountable for yourself. Just continue to do whatever you think is best for your son, he'll come to age one day and connect all these dots for himself, too.

PhaedrusHunt · 2020-01-12T22:41:17+00:00

🙋 Same boat brother

hoopingblob · 2020-01-12T22:47:21+00:00

I never saw my father again after he tried to kill my family. I am telling you this because I am the one on the other side and it may give you some insight.

I wished my father would at least care so much and visit me but he never wanted to. That's what made me hurt alot. It's good you're seeing your son and I bet he is looking forward to see you again soon. It's also important for him to see that in Life nothing is eternal and even our loved ones will pass.

You're doing great. Forget and forgive your wife and especially forgive and accept yourself and your role in his life. You can't change it sadly but at least you can see him and when he gets older he will come to you.

mr4kino · 2020-01-12T22:53:12+00:00

Dude I have two sons, I can’t imagine. Do you not have 50/50 custody?

imav8n · 2020-01-12T23:11:09+00:00

How? By using those emotions and that pain to harden your resolve into investing in every minute. For me, that’s what I do with my daughter. She is a teenager now and I have 50:50, but even when she was younger and her mom was filling her head with b.s., I decided that I was not going to be a Disneyland dad and that I WAS going to have a great relationship with her...and I do. Be the dad you want to be despite of what anyone else thinks, not because of it...and forget your bitch ex, she is someone else’s problem now.

JRSBOOM13 · 2020-01-12T23:17:19+00:00

Hey brother my heart goes out to you. I had a similar experience years ago with my son and his crazy mother and he’s 25 now. It caused me pain I still have today when I read this. I’ll never forgive her for the shit she did. In fact I hope she dies before me so I can shit on her grave.

SalesAficionado · 2020-01-12T22:58:25+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through that shit man. Keep your head up.

agjrpsl · 2020-01-13T05:39:55+00:00

Dude, what your ex did to you is what happens in divorces. Usually their lawyer tells them to try to get you riled up enough where the cops are called. Parental alienation is a terrible terrible thing. Read up about it. But, you got this mate. You need to be the best dad you can be in your son's life. Do not let your ex get you flustered. Always remain cool and composed. Work out a parenting plan with your ex and stay involved in his life. Make sure you let her know you would like to be informed of every aspect of your son's life. You call your son every day and tell him you love him. I know it's hard seeing him cry when you leave. But, you assure him you will always be there for him and you will see him soon. Never bad mouth your ex, and do the best coparenting job you can. You got this mate.

GayLemon9000 · 2020-01-12T23:06:24+00:00

I know how you feel, because I felt and sometimes still feel the same, but you need to let go. Be the best man you can be when with your son, and let go when without him. Your son will come to understand why you couldn't stay when he was young, and he'll grow stronger for it. It's really the only way with the fucked up systems we got in place. You're his best hope at a good life, so no matter what you need to stay in the picture, because without you he probably won't make it. So keep walking out like a machine, but make sure you let your son know you love him and that even if you're not there, you're always on call for him if he needs you. Good luck man.

lemonhead111 · 2020-01-13T01:26:42+00:00

Hey dude, I don’t have any real advice, but as a fellow father that’s been in similar situations, I know how you feel. Your love for your kid is something that bleeds through what you wrote, and he obviously loves his dad too. Shit sucks, I know. It’s tough. Keep grinding; be the bigger person always, and imagine that the kid will copy every move that you make from this point forward. The kid will understand when he’s older.

nothestrawberrypatch · 2020-01-13T01:34:05+00:00

Hey buddy, single father of a 6 yo daughter. I let my wife walk after 12 years together. It sucks. Same shit, accusations to rationalize their anger, and contempt. They hide behind these accusations because they don’t have to face the reality; that is what they did to contribute to the failure. I’m amazed at how much forgiveness and understanding I have to give to a women I want nothing to do with anymore. My daughter has a strong father because he’s not going to let that petty woman bullshit control his life.

If you want to talk man, don’t be afraid to DM me. I feel we’re in the same boat.

ultrasuperthrowaway · 2020-01-13T01:52:23+00:00

Did you marry this woman because you thought she was good in bed or because she is an equal to you mentally?

clitorophagy · 2020-01-13T02:41:33+00:00

As he grows older he will see his parents by how they behave. If you show him integrity he will notice. And he will see her too. When they're little kids will just love you easy but at some point around adolescence they develop hypocrisy detectors. Be the best man he knows

KidGrizz · 2020-01-13T12:08:59+00:00

I have a 7 year old daughter. As long as your child is safe, fed, has clothes, and don’t need anything then he is fine and will be ok for now. Just make sure you stay in his life as he get older. Woman ain’t shit nowadays. They prolly were never shit lol but yea just do what’s best for you and your child. Don’t worry about him crying when you leave. He won’t remember that shit at all. Keep your head high and focus on yourself. Don’t feed into her bull shit. Don’t let her faze you at all! That’s how you win!

RedPillAlphaBigCock · 2020-01-12T23:23:08+00:00

Don't get emotional or angry ever - stay calm, get your self straight and keep doing an amazing job,

warrior_up · 2020-01-12T23:35:16+00:00

Same woman brother. Sucks. I share 3 little boys with mine.

just keep doing what you’re doing, being the HERO to your boy, the rest will work itself out. Gotta stay strong and positive for the little guy - nice job on holding the tears back until the drive home

Diche_Bach · 2020-01-13T00:43:11+00:00

Cannot relate but I do empathize. You are doing the right thing by being there for your son. NEVER stop doing that, and NEVER give her any ammunition against you. Your strong, be a good Dad. Your son will struggle to make sense of it over the course of his life, I can tell you that from experience. But if you are just 'there' for him, enduring all the shit she tries to put in your way, and avoid being combative or giving her bases to try to fuck with you again, it seems that is about the best you can do.

MajIssuesCaptObvious · 2020-01-13T02:54:40+00:00

I've been exactly where you are. My 3 year old boy was crying because he wanted to spend time with his mom and me at the same time, and she started screaming at him for not making up his mind who he wanted to be with. He wanted both of us! Anyway, I told her he wasn't used to being separated and just needed time to adapt. She backed off, but 16 years later, it still hurts to think of my poor boy getting in trouble for being sad.

jvn0510 · 2020-01-13T04:55:10+00:00

Leave the stuff that’s out of your control alone.

Lead a life and be a man that your son can/will look up to.

MNCPA · 2020-01-13T05:51:06+00:00

I'm a divorced dad. All kids need great dads. You could be that great dad for your kid. Be that great dad for your kid.

Keep fighting for your kid. Set the example. Never lose touch with your son.

TFWnoLTR · 2020-01-13T15:43:43+00:00

I have a 3 year old boy too, and his mother is a manipulative cunt.

Don't ever let his mom see you reacting to her bullshit. It's what she wants. Don't ever try to hold her accountable. You'll lose, and she will see it as evidence that you're still in love with her, encouraging her to keep twisting the knife in you. Give up on it. Move on. It gets easier with time.

All you can do is tough it out and be a man, an example for your son. When he is older he will understand. It's especially hard now when hes young and doesn't see why these things are happening and just wants his parents to be with him. It will pass. The future is bright, even if you can't see that yet.

The breakup was almost 3 years ago now, and nothing she does surprises me anymore and it never gets to me. You'll get there too.

Darthmorelock · 2020-01-13T16:16:46+00:00

Growing up, I was the one in the middle. I have immense respect for my father, and much less for my mother. What was the difference? My father didn't lie to me, and he showed me what it meant to be a man. He didn't baby me, he was a hard ass in all the best ways. My mother did her best to spoil and coddle me, and tried to paint my father like some kinda villain. She spun this massive web of lies that eventually crashed down on her.

Lead by example. Be the man your son will look up to and want to become. Be present, and honest. That's all you can do.

nordicpolarbear · 2020-01-14T19:00:26+00:00

I can relate to what you’re feeling as I’ve had to leave to kids crying too. It’s tough. Just try to realize that kids cry all the time and even if you still were with her, the kids would still have ups and downs and melt downs like this. Us men are fixers we can’t fix everything. Your kid just needs you to be there for them and you’re already doing that. You’re still showing up and giving them that support and your presence. They’ll remember that. Completely disregard the ex. Even be friendlier than normal with her if it can benefit the situation with your son. I know that’s easier said than done. Good luck and stick with it I think you’re doing the right thing

319Skew · 2020-01-13T01:16:57+00:00

Thanks for the support fellas. I went for a walk while listening to Marcus Aurelius' Meditations. For anyone that hasn't done so, it's a great audiobook.

It helps.

You guys are right. I just needed to vent my frustrations and to see that there's such a solidarity among men is humbling. You can't share Red Pill with the vast majority and while you try to remain stoic and resolute, we are not machines. I truly appreciate your empathy and understanding. You guys are amazing.

It's just a surreal experience. I grew up in a single mother home and know how hard it was. I also remembered how lonely I felt because of it. When I got hitched I waited awhile because my biggest fears were creating a broken home and losing my snowflake wife. Turns out that I have her to thank for breaking through those fears. Although, it nearly killed me, I am stronger for it. I know that I did the right thing and continue to be as strong as I can be for my son. It's just when he's getting ready to go to bed and he's excitedly setting up a pillow for me to sleep and another one for my ex to sleep beside him...well, to be honest...even though I'm composed right now it stings the eyes a bit.

It's not that I want her back. She can be someone else's problem. It's that I see him and KNOW that it'll hurt a lot more before it gets better.

He's innocent in this and we live in a society that 'empowers' women to the point where you're in court trying to get something as basic as the right to see your own child, and reduced to negotiating with a person that hamsters her own victim hood to justify her shitty actions. In her eyes, I'm the bastard that just left a sweet, kind, and loving woman. Why? Good question. I must be a monster. There's no comprehension as to why because she's not culpable. She can't be. She's the heart broken woman.

She's (all women really) never see how I was pushed out due to hypergamy. She's not accountable to how she's impacted her life in such extremes and how she's taken my innocent boy on this joy ride of hers.

It's a surreal experience that far too many on this board know.

Someone even mentioned why he's staying with her if she's ill. The reason is simple: costs. It costs a lot to get to see your children. In western society, you are defaulted to the wrong when you have a penis and the child is automatically with the mom. If she wanted to, she could cry foul and I'm stuck in court trying to go over every detail with a fine tooth comb. Even if it turns out that it's nothing. You're still stuck paying for it. The system is there to support women every step of the way on this. Can I take care of a sick child? Yes. Really well actually. Ironically, I'd be the one she'd go for advice on children since I piratically raised my siblings. However, if she went to court, that wouldn't matter. What they'd see is that my son was sick, she begged to keep him in her care and offered to give me time when he's well enough to enjoy it and I brutishly stormed into the house and took him with a crowbar from her medicinal arms.

There is SOME support for men but it's scarce and it's an uphill battle to work for a "compromise" that often makes you feel like you get to choose which jailer gets to fuck you over. Do you take the offer of driving almost an hour to see your own son each time you visit or do you go to court for a few months to see if you can rationalize how it's unreasonable to do so? Will she accept this or will she decide that it messes up her schedule and contest you?

The whole thing is bonkers.

You guys are terrific and reading some of those comments helped me remember that I'm not alone in this. There are others that have gone through this and worse and come out stronger. My son will hurt and that'll pass and he'll be a better man for it. I'll keep working on myself and being there for him and the hell with the rest.

VigilantSmartbomb · 2020-01-13T11:39:00+00:00

Why didnt you take him with you if he wanted to go with you for the night? Mommy and Daddy aren't together 24/7 and no one's are.

SesameStreetPimp · 2020-01-13T15:50:46+00:00

Please tell him cause I need the answer too.

Don_Draper27 · 2020-01-13T16:49:36+00:00

Try posting this on the askmrp sub where you'll get some advice from more men in your situation.

I don't know how old your son is but I would basically explain to him the situation. Not in detail but explain to him why you can't be with him every day.

mrpthrowa · 2020-01-13T00:57:53+00:00

[removed]

2020-01-13T02:15:27+00:00

Keep doing what you’re doing. My father won me over just by being himself when I was ready to become a man, at about 10 yrs old. I understood inherently where I was supposed to be. Ran away to my dad cuz I wanted a real dad.

His_Hands_Are_Small · 2020-01-13T14:52:03+00:00

She had tried to destroy my life when I walked out of our marriage.

Literally billions of men are able to make marriage work, why are you one of the minority of men who couldn't?

It seems like a lot of this red pill theory has completely failed at being able to repair longer term relationships when they get strained. Instead of acknowledging this weakness, the ideologues almost always seem to hamster in a excuse as to why they could not solve a problem that billions of other men have worked through.

SirKolbath · 2020-01-12T23:04:53+00:00

[deleted]

Title	How do you dads do it?
Author	319Skew
Upvotes	177
Comments	70
Date	January 12, 2020 10:13 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/enufin/how_do_you_dads_do_it/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/how-do-you-dads-do-it.305264 https://theredarchive.com/post/305264

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