Here is a little paradigm for confidence I have created for myself. It may or may not help you. I’m also open to thoughts/suggestions.

In the PUA world, people talk a lot about “value.” But I think people have different “values” that should be distinguished. My list:

Your inherent value as a person Every person, by virtue of being a human being, has inherent value. A woman doesn’t owe you a date, or even a call back, but she does owe you a basic level of respect and dignity just because you are a person. If a woman insults you, or makes plans and doesn’t show up, or otherwise offends your inherent self-worth, you have to leave her. Period. I see a lot of FRs of guys that let a woman treat them like shit for 4 hours and then have sex. Not good. You got some mediocre sex but subconsciously your self-esteem took a hit. If you approach a woman politely and she is an asshole, that’s her problem, not yours. She has to take that shitty attitude everywhere she goes, and it will not serve her well. Nor is she happy. Letting people shit on your inherent value will destroy your self-esteem.

Step 1 to building confidence: Understand you have an inherent value as a person and if people don’t respect it they are being shitheads.

Your overall value For lack of a better term your “overall” value includes things like: How smart are you? Do you have a good job? Are you a nice person? Do you have money? Imagine everybody has a score of 1-100 of overall value. Your score is somewhere on that scale. But there are 2 problems: human are genetically wired to rank each other based on their value, and the higher you rank the better you feel. If you rank high you are constantly trying to stay “better” than others, and if you rank low you rely on people higher than you for validation so you still feel loved.

Here’s anther the problem: nobody knows what their overall value is. Nobody ever tells you! The government doesn't send you a form on tax day saying that in 2013 your overall value was calculated as a 72 on a scale of 1-100. Because nobody knows what their overall value is, most people depend on other people to figure out what their value is. But the problem with relying on others is that other people are worried about their own score, so they will irrationally shit on you to make themselves feel better. They may also make judgments about you even if they don’t know you. Or they will falsely compliment you if they need something from you (this is very common in relationships – it’s basically 2 people falsely pumping each other up). People who grow up around shitty, negative people often think they have a lower overall value than they actually do, and have low self-esteem. People with really lax parents and/or ass-kissing friends often think they have a higher overall value than they actually do, and are narcissists. Very few people have an accurate idea of what their overall value is. This is why it is important to surround yourself with honest, positive, solid friends and family who will give you a somewhat accurate view of your value.

Narcissists and people with low self-esteem are similar in that they both need others for validation. People with low self-esteem need (perceived) higher-ranked people to make them feel loved and part of the tribe, and narcissists rely on other people to constantly tell them their rank is high. Imagine a fat loser dating a supermodel that is way out of his league. If he is realistic that she is too good for him, he is fine. But if he actually thinks his overall value is higher than it really is because he is dating a supermodel, he is fucked. If she dumps him, he will feel like shit and come crawling back to her so he can regain that “high” of feeling high-value. Narcissism is a hell of a drug.

But remember: your overall value does not change depending on what other people think of you. Your value is generally constant, and slowly increases if you improve yourself or decreases if you let yourself go. It doesn’t wildly fluctuate depending on who compliments you. Dating a supermodel doesn’t make you high-value and getting dumped by a supermodel doesn’t make you low-value. Being cool in high school doesn’t make you high-value and being bullied in high school doesn’t make you low-value. Sorry for the religious imagery, but on judgment day when God decides if you are worthy, he is only going to look at YOU. You need to look at yourself as you truly are and not how you are defined by others. You can do things to increase your overall value: read books, go to the gym, meditate, work hard at something, etc… It is hard and won’t happen overnight. But no matter how low your overall value, you can increase it. And no matter how high it is, it will decrease if you are lazy.

Here is my personal opinion on confidence: you shouldn’t think or focus on your overall value or whether you are better than this guy or uglier than that guy, etc... Basing your happiness on others is a recipe for disaster. Instead, you should pursue activities that you enjoy and are passionate about. That will make you happy, especially if you can focus all of your thoughts and emotions on the activity and drown out the noise of the world. If you do this, your overall value will increase (you will make money, you will become successful, you will look good, etc…), but that’s just a side effect. The most high value thing you can do is be happy. Of course, when you are approaching women you are going to think about your overall value. All you need to know is that you have a high overall value, you are happy with it, and most importantly, you can increase your overall value whenever you want.

It is very hard to not let other people’s actions/words determine your feelings about your overall value because humans are biologically programmed to rank ourselves based on how others treat us and how we treat others. Here’s an example: I am running out of my apartment elevator to get to the gym. Right as I run out of the elevator I almost run into a hot girl walking her dog who was getting on the elevator. She gives me a bitchy look as if I did something wrong. My heart instantly sinks and I feel like shit. I know that logically I didn’t really do anything wrong, and even if I did, it wasn’t a big deal, and even if it was a big deal, that girl doesn’t know shit about me and can’t judge me. But her giving me a dirty look creates a biological reaction where now I think I am “beneath” her and I need her approval to get my value back. But, being the intelligent student of human psychology I am, I stop, take a deep breath, and tell myself a mantra. I tell myself that I am a well-educated, intelligent, funny, cool, laid-back guy with a good career that girls love, and this bitch who gave me a dirty look is probably a nobody, sorority-sister whore who has a bad attitude because every man in her life has treated her like shit and her only pleasure is shitting on strangers. I know that’s a small example (and my reaction is a little exaggerated), but it’s part of a bigger point: people get into shitty relationships with people who shit on them all the time, and slowly and subconsciously their self-esteem deteriorates because they subconsciously accept that they are “lower” in rank than the person shitting on them. You have to draw strict boundaries from the beginning and not let anybody make you feel inferior, even for a second, even for something tiny.

One of the reasons one-itis sucks a big one is sometimes a person gets to know you really well, and then they say “your value is too low for me – dismissed!” That is a huge blow to your ego. A lot of guys can’t handle that ego blow because they are hooked on feeling higher-value and can’t handle being taken back down. I remember when my super-hot girlfriend dumped me I got mad that I had to hang out with my friends and I even thought to myself “well it looks like I’m stuck with ugly people again.” In my humble experience, the only way to recover your ego and feel better is to work on yourself and increase your overall value so that you are no longer the same person she rejected. It will take a while, but if you are constantly involved in activities that increase your value, it is easier to get your sanity back.

Of course, you can get some indication of your overall value from other people. For example, if lots of people say you are fat or that you are an asshole, you may want to work on going on a diet or being a nicer person. But go to any Jay-Z Youtube video: you will see tons of people hating on him even though he is the top rapper out right now. Some of them make the stupidest criticisms. People are naturally haters (to make themselves feel better) so you have to know which criticisms to take seriously and which to ignore.

Second tip of second confidence: realize your overall value has nothing to do with what other people think of you.

Dating value At least early in a relationship, girls don’t really care about your overall value. Instead, they care about a subset of traits known as your dating value: your height, your appearance, how funny you are, your clothes, etc… When it comes to your overall value these traits are somewhat insignificant but to girls they make a big difference. The good news is that its pretty easy to increase your dating value. Watch some stand up, read Models, go to the gym, buy some clothes that fit, etc…

Here is the problem: a lot of guys mix up dating value and overall value so when they get rejected they think they are a total shitbox of a human being, not realizing that they probably just got rejected cuz of their clothes or hair or something. You can have a high overall value but a shitty dating value (example: a fat nerd who is a genius at physics and figures out string theory), or you can have a high dating value but a shitty overall value (example: a douchey dance club DJ that spends all day in the gym but sucks otherwise at life). I saw a guy on seddit whining about how girls didn’t appreciate that he was an IT professional. Look, being an IT professional is an impressive job and makes you a valuable person … but it doesn’t give women pussy tingles. Being the lead singer in Motley Crue does give them pussy tingles, even if the guy is a horrible person and a blemish on society. Don’t become one of these douches that only focuses on their dating value and forgets about the rest of their life.

Please remember that dating value is dependent on the woman because different women like different things. There are some things all women like (billions of dollars and a guy that looks like Brad Pitt), but generally the things that a stripper in her early 20s looks for are different than what a professional woman in her 30s looks for. Some women are intellectuals and want a really smart guy and some women are gym-rats and want a roid machine. You just have to accept that some women will not like you. Don’t get sad. Also, unlike overall value, dating value can wildly fluctuate. If you are in a music video with Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake, your dating value will increase drastically (with some women). And 6 months later when people forget about the video, your dating value will be back to where it was. Hell, if you gel your hair and wear a nice suit, you can double your dating value.

Even if you have a high dating value, women will reject you for a million reasons: they may be shitty people, they may have emotional/mental problems, they may be trying to get over an ex, they may have just gotten out of an abusive relationship, they may be lesbians, their grandfather may have just died, they may not like the way your face looks, they may be bigoted against your race/religion/etc…, they may be too stupid to realize how awesome you are, etc… Women are a weird mix of emotions that are constantly changing, and a lot of it has nothing to do with you. Women also don’t know much about you on a first approach at a bar.

One last point about dating value: if you are in a relationship with a girl for a while and she doesn’t start to care about your overall value, you need to dump her. If she never moves past the superficial reasons and likes you for “you,” that’s bad.

Tip 3 for confidence: Just as your overall value isn’t determined by how people treat you, your dating value isn’t necessarily based on what women reject you.

Game To get girls you need game. This has nothing to do with your value, overall or otherwise. It’s just a skill you learn. You can be the most high-value dude in the world and still not get any girls if your game sucks. In fact, a lot of really attractive, awesome guys suck at game because they are just used to women throwing themselves at them. In my experience, the guys with the best game have middling value: they aren’t ugly/fat enough to give up, but they aren’t awesome enough to just walk in a club and have girls go crazy for them. So they have to work at it. Also, a lot of good game is actually low-value behavior: douchiness, aggressiveness, narcissism, assholery, not caring what people think of them, etc… Most of the guys I know with great game are actually losers, but they do well because they’re so good at being full of shit.

This is important because a lot of times when a girl rejects you, you may feel like it is because of your value when it is really your game. You may have texted her too late (or too soon), said the wrong thing, failed a shit test, etc… That same girl would have gone out with you if you had tweaked your game – remember, women are a complex ball of emotions.

I personally know I have a pretty high overall and dating value, so if I get rejected by a hot girl its either because my game was off or there was something wrong with her. And I can fix whatever holes in my game existed, become a better player, and find similar or better girls. I’ve noticed that looking at every rejection as a learning experience and a critique of my game is better for my confidence than taking it as a head-on insult to my ego.

And finally, a lot of what we call “confidence” in approaching isn’t really confidence – it’s a manic state that you pump yourself to be in to overcome the natural anxiety of talking to a stranger. Real confidence is calm, collected, unshakeable – approach confidence is crazy, exaggerated, oblivious, somewhat delusional, and somewhat sociopathic. Once you get past the initial approach, then your actual confidence shines through in your conversation with the girl.

Tip 4 for confidence: if you get rejected, it’s probably because of your game. Fix what you did wrong, and get back out there.

My blog: http://www.playersjourney.net