An evolutionary biology approach to eliminating approach anxiety

I’ve been reading this really good book lately, called Angst by Jeffrey Kahn. It’s basically about how a lot of the different types of anxieties human beings feel have an evolutionary purpose. I recommend it to anybody who is interested in how anxiety and depression work. Here is a link to buy it:

http://www.amazon.com/Angst-Depression-Jeffrey-P-Kahn/dp/0199796440/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1385610979&sr=8-1&keywords=jeffrey+kahn+angst

For example, panic anxiety comes from the evolutionary impulse to be close to the tribe, so whenever we are far away from the tribe, we freak out. Social anxiety is when we are shy and afraid to get near to others, because evolution has programmed us to not want to rise too far up in the tribal hierarchy, lest there be too many alpha males in the tribe. Rejection anxiety is that awful feeling you get when you get rejected by somebody you care about. You know how you lose your appetite and can’t sleep after you get rejected by a girl? Well, from an evolutionary perspective, your body thinks that, because the “tribe” rejected you, you are back in the woods alone so you lose your appetite so as to conserve food and you also stop sleeping so you can protect yourself against predators.

This book has taught me a lot that I think can be applicable to PUA. The most interesting thing is how a lot of ape tribes naturally order themselves in a hierarchy. For example, in a pack of baboons, each baboon has a “rank” – there is a #1, a #2, a #3, etc… And if, for example, #7 does something disrespectful to #6, everybody in the tribe gets upset. Now, I am not a scientist, but I would venture to guess that human beings also naturally order themselves into hierarchies. In fact, I think that is one of our strongest and most deep-seeded instincts: to order ourselves into a hierarchy.

Human beings have basically 2 main desires: to be at the top of the hierarchy (or as high up as they can get) and, if they can’t get to the top, to be accepted by the people at the top. I think a large part of approach anxiety is the fear of getting rejected by the tribe. It’s not a logical fear based in reality (i.e., who cares if this one girl doesn’t want to talk to you?), but rather it is something primal rooted in our DNA. That’s why you can’t defeat AA with logic – no matter what logical thoughts you have, your emotions will create more excuses in your head as to why you shouldn’t approach. That said, I think women have much stronger rejection anxiety than men do, which is why society has evolved such that men always have to approach.

Human beings will do anything to get to the top of the tribe. In the club/bar setting, that means they will try to dress nicer and look better than other people (while simultaneously conforming to the norms of how people in the tribe should dress). On a more negative note, they will be douchebags and put people down so they can themselves feel like they are rising higher in the tribal hierarchy.

So here is a question: what is the “tribe”? In evolutionary purposes, apes lived in packs of 50-60 apes, and that was their “tribe.” But in modern times human beings live in large cities and are parts of many different communities. But I think that, emotionally, we see the “tribe” as whoever we are around. So when we are in the club, even though we have many people that love us and care about us, we still feel like the people in the “club” are the “tribe” so we don’t want them to reject us. It’s a weird biological trick.

So what’s the solution? Well, it’s difficult, because your AA is rooted in some of your strongest primal emotions and you can never turn them off. But, here is what I have learned:

When approaching, think of yourself as outside of the tribe. You are not part of these people’s tribe: you don’t know them, and if you get rejected or whatever you can always leave and go back to people who love you and accept you. If you have that mindset, your AA will decrease and girls will be more receptive to you. If you truly don’t give a fuck about this hierarchy game, women (and men) will sense that, be impressed, and be attracted to you. People who have conquered their AA already have this mindset somewhat – they have closed on so many girls, had so many experiences, etc…, that they don’t let the words and/or rejections of this specific group of people affect them because they have a bigger view of the world.

Most men try to succeed at PUA by demonstrating that they have “higher value” (i.e., that they belong at the top of the tribe). I say, fuck that. I don’t care about being at the top of your tribe – I exist outside of your tribe and I get to do whatever the fuck I want. Paradoxically, if you don’t try to show yourself as the highest value male, you automatically become viewed as the highest value male – because in the hierarchy game, the only reason to have high value is because nobody is pushing you around and you can do whatever you want. When I’m in the club I think like I just got off of a spaceship from the planet Stankonia, which is teeming with hot women and if one of these earth girls rejects me I can just get back on my spaceship and go back to planet Stankonia.

Now of course this doesn’t mean that you can just act weird and expect people to like you. People are always going to view you through their preconceptions, and people can also tell when you are trying too hard or faking it. Also, it is extremely difficult to get in this mindset of “I’m in part of your tribe” because your natural biological emotions are going to want to get the approval of the people you are around.

From my blog: http://playersjourney.net/an-evolutionary-biology-approach-to-eliminating-approach-anxiety/