I have posted here before with questions about escaping the Friend Zone. Tonight something happened that has left me disgusted with myself and how I let myself get used by someone who, although not meaning to, has just about ruined every bit of self confidence I have in myself as a person in one fell swoop. Rather, I did this to myself, and they didn't mind helping.

A long time ago there was a girl. This girl had a boyfriend and they were together for 10 years. I knew her this whole time, and it was platonic, because of the boyfriend. There were, however, hints of attraction, a little bit of kissing here or there (her boyfriend was weird. He was 'okay' with her fooling around with another man, but she felt enough guilt to never go farther than a kiss and a flirtation).

They break up. It's five years ago. I make my move, and she does not go for me, but she does let a little something happen. A little kissing, touching, but then, stop. I let her know that's fine with me, I'll take what I can get (I am almost ready to puke describing this). This goes on for a few years, maybe 2 or 2.5. At times, there are real moments of sexual arousal on her part and the shirt is off, or there's some dry humping. Nothing is ever, ever allowed beyond these moments of 'nearly' fooling around.

Over this period of time, I graduate from being attracted to this girl to wanting her BAD. I'm allowed just enough to want it all. I'm literally allowed to smell how wet she is, then pushed off with a firm 'no.' And I just want more. I am convinced that she's obviously going to let me in someday, she's let me come so close so many times...

After a good while, she cools it down. She stops responding to my kisses or touches. This seems like a pretty good signal: she's done with the flirty little game she played with me, and I with her. Okay, I was ready for that. As time went by, I'd try every now and again: nothing.

Then, out of the blue, she comes onto me HARD over instant messages. She says graphic, graphic things. This is a girl who wants cock, and that cock is mine. Eventually bedtime comes so we log off, and I go to bed happier than a pig in shit. It's back on, and this time, she wants to actually fuck, thank the lord.

She does not want to fuck. She acts same as before the next time I hit on her, and a week after that I bring up the subject of the IM conversation. She's very sorry, she was just going with the mood and 'got carried away.' I am annoyed, I tell her that was not cool and not to do it, but, anyways how about we...I begin to try and explain why a fling wouldn't be hurtful to our friendship and actually would rock the friendship.

Bam. She gives me the Lets Just Be Friends Speech. No, you are a friend, and I can't do you. Sorry.

I should have known this was happening. Every step of the way it was clear she wasn't attracted to me, but liked the attention. Even when she came on to me, hard, in the back of my mind I was thinking 'this is probably just her having fun with me for fun's sake.' She was.

I lost it on her. I let her know how I felt about this, in spades. I didn't act aloof, I didn't just walk away, I showed her how much of a prize she was to me and how teasing me one last time, hardcore, then telling me it would never happen was a big pile of bullshit. I was mad, and I let her know it.

I shouldn't be as angry as I am, and I can only explain it as anger at myself. I've spent so long trying hard to get into her pants, and the entire thing was a waste of time and a huge blow to my ego. And I could have seen it coming if I'd had the confidence to blow her off, and move on.

Nothing more to say, nothing to really ask or teach. I'm not a PUA, just been reading Seddit and a book here/there, but now it all makes sense and I'll be going out soon to try and get over this bullshit and start picking up women.

EDIT:

I should add that she made an effort to point out, several times, that this is not necessarilly 'forever.' Someday, she might want to fuck. It was actually what I was thinking as I ranted and raved, already picturing myself trying, perhaps, to live a life like Seddit endorses. See if that works like everyone says. Just wanted to add that.