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[–]TheJasonSensation79 points 10 years ago* [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link
TLDR?
Edit: Stop being reliant on others for fun and gain the confidence to mingle with strangers.
[–]xzak 25 points26 points27 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I love how you realised no one was posting a tldr then just read it yourself and posted one for others. Good on you and thanks.
[–]nerdswithgirls5 points 10 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Exactly, thanks. Plus: In the beginning it'll be hard, but do it anyway.
[–]Anotheraccountdelete 2 points3 points4 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
As someone who doesn't practice PUA, this is actually solid advice.
[–]basstardfish 8 points9 points10 points 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
As someone who's going to find himself living in a new town / state soon, and therefore forced to go out alone if at all, this is really motivating. Thanks for the writeup!
[–]nerdswithgirls2 points 10 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
No worries, and good luck!
[–]houndit420 10 points11 points12 points 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I had to login to comment. This post was very helpful, nice post mate!
[–]nerdswithgirls1 point 10 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Thank you and have fun out!
[–]Jaja1990 4 points5 points6 points 10 years ago (11 children) | Copy Link
I agree on everything, but I still have a question: when you are alone, do you approach girls among their friends (males&females)? If yes…how? I find they're too defensive in that situation.
[–]SenorPuff 9 points10 points11 points 10 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link
They can be, but you have to realize that the group is a democratic social entity on its own. You approach the group and you get the group to approve of you as a member, then you can influence the group as a peer, and you can connect with the other members as an equal.
Quick and easy method? 'This looks like the chill/fun/party group, hey, I'm [Name], mind if I join you for a bit?' have open body language, nod, smile, and look every member of the group in the eye. Don't bother waiting too long for them to decide. If one or two seem open to it jump right into a conversation. 'This place makes the best [drink] Have you tried it? okay I know what we're getting next.'
Alternatively, apologize for easedropping and give some input on their conversation or just jump right in with a compliment. 'Hey, I'm not sure which one of you it is but your fragrance is killing it right now.' 'ha I just had to say, no shame, but you're right, Katy Perry is the shit' 'What's your vape mix? That shit is delicious'
It comes down to threading, but being non-threatening and appealing to the group through its members. If one of them really doesn't like you, you're SOL no matter what.
[–]Kayyam 2 points3 points4 points 10 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
Alright.. this might come off the wrong way but what if you do this and every single time you find yourself bored within a few minutes ? This is where I find myself must of the time : having to actively push myself to give a shit about what's going on and be a member. It's not that I'm an introvert, it's just... boring. I'm 26 and I feel like I've had these conversations over and over again. I'm so tired of having to introduce myself, asking where they work, answering what I do, where I come from, etc... Sometimes I invent a new identity for the sole purpose of keeping it somewhat new and exciting.
[–]SenorPuff 4 points5 points6 points 10 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
You should be doing it because you like meeting people and you want to meet people. What you say about yourself is effortless because it's true and doesn't change.
So if those things are true, then you need to work on how you can get people to talk about themselves in ways that are new and meaningful and interesting. Ask people meaningful questions about their lives and actually be interested in gaining perspective from what they have to say.
If they are boring, who cares? Have fun yourself. Be proactively fun. You'll find others who are, too.
[–]Kayyam 1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Ask people meaningful questions about their lives and actually be interested in gaining perspective from what they have to say.
I really want to believe this is possible but I'm not so sure.
When I was 19, living in Europe for my studies and meeting people left and right, it felt much easier. I had so much to learn about everything, every encounter bore its load of richness. Everyone was a teacher in some way. But time has passed, I've traveled, I've met people from everywhere, I've read a lot and seen a lot and I've had life-changing events. It takes a lot today to teach me something. I used to be naive and taking everyone's word for gospel because I didn't know anything about the world. Now, I'm still young and I have a lot to learn still but most people around my age can hardly teach me anything. Unless I meet some very unique people (I met a guy two months ago who was so interesting we annoyed the whole table with our discussions about art, religion and dreams), I feel like I'm wasting my time with most people. Ii probably sounds arrogant but I can assure it's not.
Or maybe this is just a phase for me.
[–]SenorPuff 3 points4 points5 points 10 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
You sound like you're more worried about what they have to offer you, instead of who they are as a person. You're approaching it from an academic rather than a personal interaction.
[–]Kayyam 2 points3 points4 points 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Who they are as a person IS what they are offering to you in the interaction. You're making it sound like there shouldn't any "value transaction" going on in genuine personal interaction. I believe there always is one, even between very old friends. Sometimes that value is easy to put into words and sometimes it's so subtle or so large that it isn't. But there is value being shipped around. If you laugh with them, that's value. If you talk of a topic that you find interesting, that's value. If their simple presence makes you feel good, that's also value they bring to the relationship.
So, yeah, it all sounds academic but it's not like any of this (relationships, feelings, people) was some kind of unknown magic. Yes, there is value and I feel that most people either have very little of it (to me, to someone else, it might feel like a lot).
To be honest, it doesn't help that right now, I just arrived in yet another new country and I'm the exotic bird everyone asks the same questions.
[–]SenorPuff 1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Who they are as a person IS what they are offering to you in the interaction. You're making it sound like there shouldn't any "value transaction" going on in genuine personal interaction.
I'm not disputing that, but while people may have similar tendencies, not everyone is the same. If they truly are not a person you want to know then by all means, don't get to know them. But if you're just bored because their life experiences don't offer you some new and interesting learning experience about humanity then you're looking very shallowly at them.
You're talking about not having anything to learn about someone higher than who they are, their personality and their quirks, which while you can get a feel for that in a short exchange, you definitely can't truly understand in that time, and you can't connect deeply with them in that time to enjoy whatever they have to offer.
Yes, there is value and I feel that most people either have very little of it (to me, to someone else, it might feel like a lot).
A) How can you know until you approach? B) How can you draw out their true value until you connect with them? C) How can you connect with them if you give up after 5 minutes?
[–]farazormal 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Start a proper conversation with one of the people in the group, get to know them even if it's just a little, compliment them and be friendly from there you should be able to make them like you and then they'll want to introduce you to the other people they know, plus it just gives you a rock to build on, if you make a bad joke with one of the other's and they don't take it well you have a place to go back to and don't have to run away with your tail between your legs
This is really helpful. Gotta do this more
[–]matarky1 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
The best way I know how if there is only a few people is introduce yourself, ask if they want some shots with you, and the conversation can easily start from that
[–]raimondi1337 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
If you're just trying to have a good time (which you should be) just do it. Don't waste your time though if all you're trying to do is pull the hottest chick away as soon as possible. I'm pretty sure Style said "don't approach greater numbers".
That's not to say that you won't get a chance to get some face time with the one you actually like, but you have to be interested in the group to socialize within the group, not just one person in it.
[–]thor133 1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Great post man. Going out alone was actually fun for me when I was drinking because I talked to anyone and had a lot of drunk conversations.
Alcohol does help ;) Just you'll learn less and your health takes harm after a while.
[–]Peckerdick 1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
This is great, man.. Actually it is super inspiring as a guy who doesn't really have a lot of friends. I find that I spend a lot of time making up excuses for why I do things alone, and the prospect of being honest with people never even crossed my mind. I've always convinced myself that being a loner in situations makes me boring, weird and unlikable.
I know exactly what you mean dude, and I still feel like this sometimes. Just never forget that everybody acts in their own interests and you being alone and/or having no friends concerns them only little. What does concern them is having a great time and getting to know interesting people, and this is what you have to focus on.
[–]katalis 1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Great post. I find amazing how we let ourself rely so much in others and then we called ourselves "independent".
I've gone out alone before going out with friends or "wingmen". And it's the best I could have ever done. Now it's easy as hell to chill out or to have fun with myself. It's one of the best confidence boosters I've found. To know how to deal with yourself.
[–]rangamatchstick 1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I went out doing daygame and night game for about 6 months before I found anyone else in my city doing pickup, had to force myself to do alot but it was great in the end.
[–]cmatute 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yep. Flying solo builds you up faster than anything.
[–]StevieBoyB 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Do it. It's good experience.
[–]vincepince1 points 10 years ago [recovered] (5 children) | Copy Link
I know how to approach girls, but how do you mingle with dudes? What do you say to start a conversation?
[–]raimondi1337 1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I totally understand this. I don't drink IPA's or watch real sports, so the environmental factors I can talk about are limited. I'm not trying to sleep with them so there's no flirty shit being said either.
I usually just end up talking about women or motorcycles with other guys.
You ride here? What model Audi do you drive? Bitches man.
This. "man's topics" usually stick, but really you can talk about anything. Don't go to deep with your conversations in first sentence obviously if everybody's there to party.
[–]jakeinmn 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
F.O.R.D.S. is always applicable to anyone.
[–][deleted] 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
[permanently deleted]
[–]jakeinmn 1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Read. How to make friends and influence people. They are topics to talk to anyone about. Family, occupation, recreation, dreams, sports.
[–]WhitePantherXP 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
This was a really well written post. Nicely done. The purpose of this post is a very unusual but extremely interesting one. I think we'd all love to be able to go out alone, seeing someone who has made success of it is all it takes to give it a shot on our own. I've been to the bar alone before, it was depressing for me. But I was kind of hoping my looks did a little bit of groundwork and got someone to approach me...did NOT work like that (as a male). I noticed I did not have the confidence I had when I was with friends, my wingmen. I should not rely on them. The person who is the best at picking up women in my group (I'm not bad, but next to him it's hard to stand out) is very confident about approaching women by himself when out, the major thing is he'll strike up a conversation at times when others would think it's inopportune...he tries and is not very hard on himself if he fails. It's also probably related to why he's not as successful in life, but his game with women is strong and I respect it as do our circle of friends. None of us would be surprised to see him with an absolute drop gorgeous 10 one day, keeping her around is not his specialty but hooking up with them is. We can all learn a lot from guys like him...and you sound like you might be in similar shoes.
Thanks for your post. I'm not a bomb with 10's (yet) either. Going out alone builds the foundation though to get there.
[–]evilgenivs 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
I would go out alone more if I lived in Amsterdam, it takes 1 hour and 30 min to get there by public transport. 40 with a car, but I don't have a license. (hate myself for that)
No problems going out alone at all. It's just that this "city" is boring as hell and the people living here are really NOT my type.
[–]finalxcution 1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Sounds like it's time to either get that license or move. Obviously, it's not that easy, but if you are truly unhappy, you should do something about it instead of waiting for something miraculous to happen. High risk brings high rewards.
[–]nerdswithgirls1 points 10 years ago [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
I lived in Leiden for a year and went to Amsterdam a lot, it was crazy times. What city do you live at? For sure there's something big close to you, like Den Haag, Rotterdam. Groningen was pretty cool too, and I went there alone as well.
[–]evilgenivs 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
0172 hier. It really sucks. And I'm like literally in the center of A'dam, R'dam and Utrecht. It's just hard to get home unless you leave around 8am, especially in the weekends.
As finalxcution said, either move or get a drivers license. Decide how important this is to you.
[–]raimondi1337 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I got out alone semi regularly, mostly on week nights when other people are busy being productive members of society.
It's definitely practice at being social and not relying on friends to be comfortable, and I get to win at pool a few times. No reason not to go out by yourself, it's pretty hard to have a bad time unless you're putting way too much pressure on yourself to get laid, which right there is a problem you need to address and can work on by going out alone.
[–]revente 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I reccomend to going to small music venues, they have much better, girl to guy ratio.
That's good point, don't be pissed off if you don't get laid. I put too much pressure on myself plenty of times.
[–]Fletch_McCoy 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Every experience you encounter will help develop you as person and you cant experience anything if you stay at home or just do the same thing over and over again. I plan on going to the military to strip me if that fear.
[–]idkplsdontask1 points 10 years ago [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
Hey OP, how often do you go out every week? Do you make any goals to hit on a minimum number of women?
Soz about the late question
I go out about three or four times per week at night, and I try to talk to people every time I leave the house at daytime. At times I set goals like that for myself yes ;) Depends on how much time I want to invest momentarily.
[–]jonbristow -1 points0 points1 point 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Off topic question: Does medium.com pay anyone who writes an article?
Nope. It's more a blogging site that looks really pretty.
[–]Aeon199 -1 points0 points1 point 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Some guys can't have a social circle and/or go to pubs/bars and meet new people all the time.
Do you have a guide for guys like this? I have to deal with this limitation.. so what's your idea, man?
My idea is to go out without a social circle. You need to leave the house to meet people though in any case. If you can't go to bars, go out in the daytime. That's what this whole subreddit is about.
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[–]TheJasonSensation79 points [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link
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