Desperation

dancekingsc · 2014-11-01T14:16:16+00:00

This is a huge area to cover and i don't have the time to cover it all for now, hopefully someone else can fill in. I'll do my best to give my own personal opinion and hopefully some useful insight.

First of all, what is desperation, or being desperate? It boils down to being hopeless. You are in a position that is hopeless. Kind of a victim mentality .

Now while being desperate, you're not thinking clear. Emotions play a huge roll in how you behave, think and act. It's like you're trying to reach something that is out of your range, and even before you start to try you know that it's of no use. Hopeless.

My best tip is to change your mentality. Present logical points to yourself to prove you're not in fact desperate. Remember this is mostly a state of mind. Sure, let's be realistic here. You have no friends and never had a girlfriend, but that's the past and the present. Start working on yourself today and be the man you want to be.

Desperation does show through a lot. I can notice it in my friends, or in strangers. And it is really off-putting. Why would i want to befriend someone that is desperate and only seeking validation to prove he or she is not in fact desperate? To get rid of this i want you to read up on being outcome independence.

Here are a few links to help you start: 5 tips on outcome independence, Speech about how to eliminate neediness, How to make friends, letting go of the past, Positive attitude

I want to end this post by quoting Steve Jobs. As i think it shows the right perspective of your past and encourages you to look at the bigger picture. "You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.”

JDeppel · 2014-11-01T16:16:24+00:00

You sound a lot like I was upon graduating high school. Hopefully I can impart some of the knowledge I've learned since then (I'm 32 now and recently single) that has improved my confidence.

During high school, I had maybe one or two "relationships" (if you can call them that) and I was a member of the "outcast" clique (nerd, played D&D, etc.). So when I got out into the "real world" I ended up feeling very lonely and wasn't happy. So I took action.

Easiest way to gain friends is to just start talking to people, even in just everyday events. Talk to that guy you rode up eight floors with in the elevator, talk to the cashier when you're in a shop, waiting for a train/bus, just talk. It doesn't matter what you talk about, be it the weather, a recent sporting event, whatever. Don't be afraid of sounding like an idiot. You likely will at times, but it's only through making mistakes and adjusting your approach that you learn and get better at it. And never underestimate the power of simply saying "Hi, my name's..." It at least gets you somewhere. The more you put yourself out there, the easier it becomes to "cold approach" anyone, not just the fairer sex. Like art? Go to an art gallery and chat with other people there...use your interests to your advantage. NEVER focus on the fact you think you're "weird." Realize that "normal" is a relative term. I'm quite different than the vast majority of my friends...but we have common interests and that's why we're friends.

Once you get in the habit of talking to people in completely platonic situations, the easier it becomes to talk to women you find attractive. Additionally, as you talk to more people, I guarantee you'll make new friends and friends are a great tool that may set you up with one of their friends. Some of the most fulfilling relationships I've had in life have been when one of my friends decided to play "matchmaker." Granted I've also had my heart ripped out too, but sometimes life sucks. Just need to move on and realize there are other people out there.

Not to sound harsh, but if you truly feel that you reek desperation when talking to women, it may not be the right time for you to date. Become ok with the prospect of being single/alone.

The_leaking_nudist · 2014-11-02T12:36:51+00:00

Models- Mark Manson

pacg · 2014-11-01T19:38:54+00:00

You've lost direction and are off the rails. To get back on the rails, you need to focus on what you do well: job, hobby, etc. This will anchor you to something stable and help you relax. It won't cure the desperation, but it will curb it.

Nepherus · 2014-11-01T19:44:55+00:00

Fix your posture. When you walk, pretend there's a fish hook in your chest pulling it up, and shoulders back. Look at the horizon whenever you walk around. You will appear a-lot more confident after that. Start walking around alone. It will teach you self amusement. Start doing things you want to do, be passionate about them(women love this). Last but not least, just remember you are the best. Good Luck

baddog992 · 2014-11-01T21:05:33+00:00

Just a few quick things. Try doing things by yourself. Example would be going to a movie theater by yourself. Before you go write down what you think will happen and then rate it after you go. You can do this with other activities as well..it helps to build confidence. Also Read Books and try out what they recommend.

Here is the book that gave me a ton of tips and led me to many a date. How To attract people to you or the other book that people recommend is How to Win Friends and Influence People.

Once I read Intimate connection then everything clicked for me. I started getting dates and making friends. Some of it is dated but the book is still worth reading and learning from it. Once you get the basics down you will be fine. I was a late bloomer myself. Do not let that throw you.

penismissle · 2014-11-02T00:48:25+00:00

You have to dig deep into your emotions. Meaning, you have to look at why you're desperate, your faults, and why you're taking this journey. The sooner you come to terms with everything the better.

Its best to accept the fact that you have faults and to accept you aren't the man you want to be. But it's much more important to accept you can change, you can be a better man, and you can overcome your challenges.

Let's take myself for instance, I used to be shy, lonely, and no good at conversation. I came to terms with that as well as challenging myself to change. So I gradually made these changes. I didn't approach women to flirt with them right away, I just approached them asking what time it was or for directions. I did this just to get over my approach anxiety.

To fix my loneness, I started to approach anyone in general just to chat. I started to make small talk with coworkers, people in elevators, people in stores, and store clerks. I even joined some clubs. To fix my conversation skills I read Marcus Oakey's blog and read his free ebook. I watched this video.

To fix my confidence issues I read Models by Mark Manson which really is the best book you can read.

There were other things that were wrong with me. I'm fat, I was not attractive, I was not stylish, and I didn't take care of myself. Since my journey in March I've lost 30lbs, exercise literally everyday, and eat no more than 1200 calories per day. I slowly changed myself and began to love and value myself.

My main point is if you don't learn to love and value yourself by actually taking care of yourself, how can you expect anyone to love and value you? You don't have to use the mystery method of peacocking - it's bullshit imo - you just have to be a man worth spending time with. If you want to do it right by actually becoming confident and not faking it, it will take a lot of time and effort. It's not easy but damn is it worth it.

So take the time to come to terms with your faults and think of a solution. There is no quick fix so patience is key. Even if you have to take some time off of gaming so be it- it's worth it!!

I'm 8 months in and damn am I happy. I may not have a girlfriend but I do have friends willing to play. I never thought a fat guy like me would attract beautiful, athletic girls. Good luck, bro.

frogclock · 2014-11-01T15:17:07+00:00

Desperate people usually have low self esteem and fear of being abandoned. It would help if you try to work on that. Anxiety associated with fear of being abandoned is our evolutionary reaction, as for us as cavemen isolation meant death. Now we live in a completely different society where you can be just fine alone. Realising that helped me. Along with meditation, working out and doing stuff I like and is satisfying without asking for permission. Work on yourself and don't worry you've never had a girlfriend or that others think you're weird. I'm sure some of my best friends think I'm weird. I think they're weird as well. It only makes it more interesting.

gigafureiya · 2014-11-01T15:45:37+00:00

I'm actually on the same boat and I have been thinking this might be the case with me as well. As I'm just not getting results. I got the looks down because women do stare at me now more than ever. I get more compliments and are quick to have small chat with me. But the ones I approach (have my eyes on) have no interest in me, some I get the feeling have their guards on. It's getting really frustrating to be honest.

cptmcclain · 2014-11-01T15:56:16+00:00

First, do not run from your emotions. Face them. Embrace them. May sound stupid but hear me out. When you allow yourself to feel what it is your feeling you will know 'why' you are feeling that way. Probably from loneliness. We all get it. Even people who have many friends are actually truly lonely in life. There is no such thing as satisfying that desire. But what you can do it embrace your life. Even the pain. Accept it. When you make the decision that, no matter what, you are going to strive for the happy life. You are going to do what you need to do to be happy. Make the commitment. Understand that no matter if you ever feel happy again you are still only going to strive to be happy. It is the pursuit of happiness. Visualize what it means to be happy and experience it today. Play the character in your mind. Imagine yourself as you want to be. Do this over and over and over. Even if it never turns out at least you can have it in your mind. In all honesty though, when you imagine yourself as you want to be you bring yourself closer to it. It is like acting on a stage. You cannot be the character unless you know how to be the character. This is practice time! Get out and practice! Even if it is in your own mind.

DrDiarrhea · 2014-11-01T16:27:24+00:00

Women can sense things very well, be it confidence or desperation. Not just women, this principle applies to most other aspects of life too, including job interviews.

Desperation is marked by nervousness, begging, bargaining, and even arguing. Stupid moves like moving from woman to woman are obvious as well. It becomes clear you want SOMEONE/ANYONE and that is a turn off. Timing as well...if it's past the magic hour and everyone is already well into their hook up..say, around 1200am and you start trying to hit up anything in a last minute attempt to salvage a bad night, that is also a turn off and obvious. I have a friend who usually does well, but when he gets too drunk he tries to argue with women who are not interested, like it can be reasoned out. Not charming. He also gets stalky, and starts to follow them around. We are used to pulling him off the ledge.

Just relax, be yourself.

As to the dry spell and desperation, I suggest the following: You need to get your legs back, but you need to walk before you can run. As such, I suggest finding a desperate woman. Yes, they are out there too and you can usually spot them. Yes, they may be overweight, or less than attractive, or nerdy or a bit old..but you are not looking for your future wife here. All you need to do is build your confidence and skills through practice and small successes. As shitty as it is to say, uglier women are a bit easier, and less experienced, and more willing to tolerate some of your flaws just to have the experience of being approached. Bear in mind, you can STILL be so bad you turn them off, but on the whole you will find your legs on "practice" girls.

puamua · 2014-11-01T17:53:36+00:00

Fill your life with thoughts and hobbies then find people that share them.

thrwawayaaa · 2014-11-01T19:21:04+00:00

[permanently deleted]

txroller · 2014-11-01T20:14:41+00:00

first things first.

1) what are you looking for?

It's important to have a plan. Identify the age and life situation of the females you want to meet and are comfortable meeting.

I lived in the south and have a liberal personality. I understand how hard it is to meet girls when everyone has a different outlook on life that you do. Sometimes to get laid you need to play a role. Be the confident and fun guy you normally aren't.

2) Where and how are you meeting girls?

LaGardie · 2014-11-01T20:36:51+00:00

I used to be an adventurer like you.

keepthesmalltalk · 2014-11-02T01:29:53+00:00

Here's a secret: We are all desperate. People are actors.

sunnydiv · 2014-11-02T03:32:19+00:00

Honestly..... Meditation helps with this

FrenchWalker · 2014-11-01T19:12:08+00:00

Here is how to fake confidence: talk slow and have a begining of a smile on your face. You don't need friends to meet girls. Actually they would slow you down. You will learn 10x faster if you manage to motivate yourself to do stuff alone. As for the sex: you will worry about that once you find yourself in the situation of having to.

Gridlife · 2014-11-01T18:41:38+00:00

Best place to start is to read Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People"

IPET24 · 2014-11-02T07:15:45+00:00

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lol7yxdQuFk&index=1&list=PLScZHYDkgQZBxsr1s4ku0OQCktC4Iv3rW Watch this podcast by Marcus Oakey, charisma coach. Talks about how to depend on yourself for happiness and entertainment. This would be a good base on how to be secure with talking with anyone, not just women.

StevenLaBerge · 2014-11-01T13:44:59+00:00

You should probably try to hide your desperation, it's not noble or anything to be honest about it.

Title	Desperation
Author	thrwawayaaa
Upvotes	136
Comments	52
Date	November 1, 2014 12:29 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/2kz03x/desperation/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/desperation.1287233 https://theredarchive.com/post/1287233

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