Doesn't feel like techniques are working; What am I doing wrong?

eablokker · 2013-08-24T09:11:54+00:00

The way you are evaluating this situation is demoralizing you. You've been walking up to girls... good! You've been opening... good! You've been kinoing and flirting... very good! Walked one of them back to your place... doing pretty fucking well! She sits by herself and then left... aww, I guess that means everything else before that just doesn't "count" does it? One little thing goes wrong and it spoils everything. In cognitive therapy this would be called either a "mental filter" where you dwell on one negative detail, or its an example of "discounting the positive" where you insist that your accomplishments don't count. It also can be "emotional reasoning" where you reason that because you feel like you're being played by girls, it must mean that you are being played. You have achieved a lot of successes there and you have a lot to be proud of. It can help to realize that your evaluation of the situation is distorted in a way that makes you feel bad about it. Think back over the situation and tell yourself that your accomplishments do count, that just because one thing goes bad it doesn't discount all the things that went well, and that feeling like you're being played by women doesn't necessarily mean that you are being played.

SpaceToaster · 2013-08-24T09:38:32+00:00

Sounds like you "picked up" a girl just fine. Then you ignored her while she sat alone on the couch until she felt awkward and left.

Your end game apparently needs work.

Get comfortable being sexual with women. Failing to make advances with a woman will not win you "gentleman points", it will only kill her attraction for you.
When you get a woman back, gage her level of comfort. You may need to make her feel comfortable, but if it's ON then don't fuck that up by trying to slow down the making out and ripping off of clothes.
Now that you have her home, receptive, and comfortable, ISOLATE. She doesn't want to hang out with your drunk friends. The move can be as simple as inviting her to the kitchen for a shot, or taking her hand to offer her "the tour" of your place.
Escalate. Don't be a wuss. Have some balls and lead things along.

Banana_Slut · 2013-08-24T08:33:42+00:00

Did you escalate sexually at all? Did you project intent? Did you try to close in any way (#, K, F)? Did you try to stop her when she was leaving? Did you demonstrate that you were the alpha of the group? Did you focus on your body language? Did you keep eye contact? Did you use neutral voal tonality? Review your night mate. Ask yourself about the way in which you interacted with her. Interview conversation or flowing conversation prompted by assumptions? Did you do anything that would demonstrate that you were needy?

wanked_in_space · 2013-08-24T14:39:30+00:00

Bringing a girl back to your place is not the time to be putting bros before hours.

will56639 · 2013-08-24T09:07:18+00:00

It's difficult to comment on your situation for two reasons:

Firstly, it's difficult to judge your efforts from your own memory of the night. Many of the things you do that impact upon your attitude are subconscious.
As much as 'game' is simplified, it remains a complex interaction, and what might work for one person in one situation might not work for everyone.

It's hard for me to talk, i'm just a beginner like you in many respects, however, I can offer some advice: don't be too serious. It sometimes feels as though we as sedditors spend so much time evaluating ourselves that we forget the aim of it all; to have a good time. If you are genuinely happy with your situation, you'll often end up getting results when you least expect it.

Edit: One other thing, try not to see interactions with girls as a battle, with one person getting 'played'. We're all on the same side, because we all have a common goal; to enjoy ourselves.

Sakred · 2013-08-24T14:09:55+00:00

Outcome Independence

Doesn't feel like techniques are working

I feel so shitty about not being able to pick up women.

Outcome independence isn't some "technique" to use as a trick to get women. It's a state of mind, it's a way of life. You can't just say, I'm going to be outcome independent tonight, and then get pissed off when "it doesn't work." That's not even close to being outcome independent and shows a gross misunderstanding of the underlying principles. Aside from that, it looks like /u/SpaceToaster has you covered.

notenoughmustache · 2013-08-24T10:11:38+00:00

Not finishing 'the game' by neil strauss is the worst possible thing you could do. Finish the the book.

initialZEN · 2013-08-24T09:33:12+00:00

Don't worry too much about getting the girls. Worry about having fun and becoming more comfortable. Learn to pick up on their signals, but also make your intentions apparent and escalate it to where you want it to go.

blitzik · 2013-08-24T11:04:35+00:00

"The game" is a story book. Not a how-to. Pick up Magic Bullets instead.

loupiloulou · 2013-08-24T12:32:51+00:00

Ended up walking one of them back to my place

[…]

I've yet to have success with women at all.

… I don’t understand

Gareth321 · 2013-08-24T13:41:41+00:00

Ended up walking one of them back to my place only to have her sit by herself with me and my friends

She wanted the D. You didn't give it to her. It's really that simple. You need to learn how to escalate better.

tjbdef · 2013-08-24T15:59:17+00:00

did you try anything with her? if you think they;re feeling it go in for a kiss

rmbarnes · 2013-08-25T00:26:33+00:00

Your problem is you're not a closer. Pussy is for closers.

Can you please elaborate on the whole being a gentleman thing. I want to know what you mean by this.

fragglemook · 2013-08-24T11:06:17+00:00

Who cares about what you feel? It's not about just you. Among other things it's about having fun, being fun and giving fun. Lighten up, don't take this too seriously. It's called game for a reason.

Reading your post, how many boxes would you say you have ticked off compared with when you first started out on this?

I think this is a more useful frame to think from.

Also, you must clarify what you want out of this, whether it's a dirty fuck in a trashcan or a deep connection with a harem of female poets. Whatever. You need a map for your destination.

bartoon · 2013-08-24T13:12:55+00:00

As SpaceToaster summs it up, ISOLATION is key here. So next time have that in mind and maybe invite the whole group to another place. Then on the way there tell her ''You know what..lets just do___(this) instead!'' and pull her to your place.

hmmnonono · 2013-08-24T21:16:17+00:00

It sounds like you did quite well in the example you gave. You met a bunch of girls and convinced one of them to go back to your place with you. That's a success.

What did you expect to happen at the end? It sounds like you invited a girl back to your place, but all your friends were there? Were all the friends dudes? I could see her feeling awkward or even scared if it was just her with a bunch of unfamiliar guys.

If you wanted to hook up with her at your place, you probably should have made sure the two of you were alone. Or at the very least that your bros would leave quickly. Did you get her number?

LiberalPenguin · 2013-08-24T21:35:11+00:00

Top 2 commenters got it right.

I just have a few questions, though:

Why did you bring her back to a place crowded with your friends?

If not intentional, why not suggest you go elsewhere, like to your bedroom?

She went with YOU! Not you friends. Why the heck would you hang out with them once you isolated her?...

I just ....wat?

Nointhr · 2013-08-25T05:39:34+00:00

Gentlemen don't have sex on the first date. Pick one.

2013-08-24T10:13:03+00:00

You are not ready…”pick up’ on yourself first.

dr_cat_md · 2013-08-24T17:02:30+00:00

How do you define "being a gentleman"

Title	Doesn't feel like techniques are working; What am I doing wrong?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	44
Comments	32
Date	August 24, 2013 8:22 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1kztnb/doesnt_feel_like_techniques_are_working_what_am_i/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/doesnt-feel-like-techniques-are-working-what-am-i.1357367 https://theredarchive.com/post/1357367

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