Help with the absolute basics: making friends

jupiter3888 · 2010-12-14T11:32:25+00:00

re: conversation.

One thing I recently learnt from /r/seduction is basically this when concerning conversations:

QUESTION OR RELATE.

When ever the other person says something, like a short story or something similar, take one bit of information/opinion they just said and either:

question them further on that point you chose, you want to know more about it. who where when what why and how.

or

Tell a story that relates to it in some way. It doesn't have to be about an experience you had, maybe it's a story your friend told you?

example

girl: "So today I went to the mall with Nicky and we had some muffins for lunch at a cafe."

The four main points are mall, nicky, muffins, cafe.

you could reply with a question:

what mall was that?/is that the one at xxxxxxx?
who's nicky?
What muffin did you get?/Did you like it?/What's your favourite type?
what cafe is that?/was the cafe nice?

or with a story that relates

I went to the mall at xxx the other day and did xxxx.
I saw nicky the other day at xxxx
I ate some muffins the other day/I love xxxx muffins/I dont like muffins but I love xxx
There's a really nice cafe down at xxxx

Blew my mind when I first learnt this.

Hope it helps and good luck.

thesorrow312 · 2010-12-14T11:40:18+00:00

[permanently deleted]

PUAfundamentals · 2010-12-14T10:31:16+00:00

Leave your house for hours more than normal every day, even if you don't have any idea what you'll do or where you'll go. Just leave. Go to new places. Especially if they make you uncomfortable. Notice your surroundings.

Talk to everyone. Tell your social ineptitude to fuck off.

Do this for 2 months and report back.

There aren't any magic bullets. Smiling is the closest thing to one. Try smiling. If you want to overcome, you've got to put in the effort. The bad news is it's a lot of work, and you will feel anxious and awkward. The good news is it really is as simple as I've laid out here. Just do it.

ZorbaTHut · 2010-12-14T11:00:07+00:00

Go somewhere that you don't need to worry about making an idiot of yourself. Long trips are great for this. Worried that you'll be so inept that the entire city of Buttzville, New Jersey will hate your guts? Hey, no problem, you don't live in Buttzville!

(Unless you do live in Buttzville, in which case, my sympathies, but find somewhere else instead, the basic concept is what I'm going for.)

Once you've walked up to the first ten or twenty people, it gets far, far easier from there.

executex · 2010-12-14T14:51:55+00:00

Ah, this is my kind of problem. I moved to UK from Russia, had to pretty much learn the language from scratch and make new friends. All my previous interactions and flirting with members of the opposite sex were somewhat different so I had to observe others and just re-evaluate my strategy lol if there even was one. By the way, chicks dig men who speak foreign languages and have a bit of a mystery to them so that's a bonus.

As to making friends and social anxiety... You need to make yourself more interested in other people in order to be able to start asking them sincere questions. Your life might be boring but that's OK. People like to talk about themselves, not how boring YOUR life is. Let them do the talking, ask them an odd question about anything that they've talked about and if you struggle to think of things to say just get into the habit of talking more slowly. Also there is nothing wrong with an odd minute of silence and it will only be as awkward as you make it. In fact, being able to comfortably share a moment of silence is a good sign.

Do you play computer games? Get yourself a mic, join a mature clan/group or whatever and practise getting to know people online. Try and get to know them and make yourself genuinely interested in other people. Then there is step two. Get a webcam, go on chat roulette and speak to random people while practising eye contact. It should make you way more comfortable with people you meet in real life. Just don't get stuck in virtual life.

PhilipTheGreat · 2010-12-14T16:42:00+00:00

Read the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People". Everything will make sense.

sockthepuppetry · 2010-12-14T16:44:43+00:00

Basic conversation: anyone you're talking to has a whole story. What (s)he does, what music/movies (s)he likes, what (s)he enjoys in his/her free time. When you're talking to a stranger or someone you don't know that well, the best way to go about it is wonder to yourself what makes this person tick? How does (s)he work? and then ask questions that try to answer that. At a more concrete level, just figuring out how they spend the majority of their day will tell you a lot, and give you a good amount of pleasant conversation. For more help, look to the great conversationalists of today: watch Jon Stewart's interviews with his guests. He does a really great job of asking empathetic questions that open the guest up.

Look at reddit AMA's: everyone firing questions away just wants a basic idea of how the OP sees himself and how he relates to the world.

Touching: there's a lot out there on KINO you can read up, but honestly, until you get to the point when you can do fairly flowing conversation, I wouldn't focus too much about it. KINO works best when you're in the moment.

Eye contact: I go to a Buddhist meditation center. One of the exercises we do every now and then is essentially soul gazing: you sit about 2 feet from a person and look straight into their eyes. After doing this, I have absolutely no fear of eye contact. You may want to look out for Buddhist centers near you.

You have this look on your face that you know something we don't:

Smile more. A smile is the most inviting thing in the world and studies show that smiling actually affects your mood and attitude.

EDIT: I don't want to give the impression that the best way to do basic conservation is to go out and interrogate people you don't know. Small talk is always a gentler way to start off: this is just observations about weather, that class or club activity you guys do together, that person you've both seen, that news item or movie people are talking about.

tactics · 2010-12-14T17:31:14+00:00

@NSFoo

Something this subreddit doesn't highlight, which is really should, is that the "techniques" described are primed towards cold approach pickup.

Cold approach is a huge barrier to doing anything, whether it's pickup, sales, or making friends.

Cold approach, simply, is trying to interact with someone who you have no existing relationship with. In the case of making friends, this means making friends with someone you meet around town. It is in contrast to a warm approach, where you are typically introduced through a mutual contact.

Cold approach is fucking hard, because people put up a strong defense against strangers. There is no trust between you and a random person you met on a bus.

Cold approach is also very uncertain. If you do try and chat up someone on the bus, how they react will depend greatly on their mood and personality. They have no obligation to act civil or friendly towards you. If you blatantly ignore a friend trying to talk to you, it strains the relationship.... but with a stranger like you, there is no relationship to hurt.

At the same time, dealing within closed circles can be very limiting. Your friends may not, themselves, be very social. Or they may have a sub-clique they exclude you from.

I had this problem the last few years. I got sick of hanging out with my existing group of friends because we never did anything new. Most of them just preferred to stay inside and play video games on the weekends instead of hanging out. It was lame.

So you do have to go out and meet people using cold approach if you find yourself in this situation.

Many of the seddit material applies just as well to making friends as it does to picking up girls. When you confront a stranger, you can improve your chances (but not guarantee) a friendly response by doing certain things.

Being situationally aware and mustering up the courage to speak your mind on things around you is a good start.

For example, say you're in line. The guy in front of you is taking forever. The girl in back of you looks frustrated. Say something like "wow, this guy is taking forever". (Yeah, it's that simple). If you weren't totally off-base with reading the frustration of the girl behind you, you'll at least get an acknowledgement. Many times, you can even get a short little conversation out of a situational opener like that.

Common interests are an easy way to build a baseline rapport. See someone wearing a shirt with a band/cartoon character you like? Say so. "Hey man, awesome shirt." This also means good places to meet people are topical venues. If you like talking about Jazz music, hang out at a Jazz bar. If you like anime, go to anime conventions. If you love competitive video games, start driving out to tournaments.

Conversation flows naturally when you feel comfortable and connected with someone. Don't worry about "what to say". If you can't find anything to say, say whatever's on your mind. If nothing's on your mind (because you're worried about what to say), just enjoy the silence or excuse yourself. Silence is only half your fault. If you have nothing to say, they probably have just as little to say.

Shyness is annoying, but natural. Again, it boils down to how comfortable you are. If you're comfortable, you can probably be loud and obnoxious. If you're uncomfortable, you probably clam up. I'd focus on your discomfort when you recognize it.

Eye contact is a big deal. Learn to look people in the eye when you talk (without staring). Again, it's all about comfort. People who intimidate you (dominant guys, pretty girls) are going to be harder to look in the eye.

Similarly for kino, although it's not something you need to do to everyone (eye contact is). When you meet someone, shake their hand. No weak handshakes! When you say hello or good-bye to a female friend, give her a friendly hug. If you're feeling funny and confident, give your guy friends a hug too. When you want someone's attention, touch them on the arm or the shoulder. When you want to lead a girl somewhere, grab her hand or her arm. Take a few lessons in a social dance, such as swing or salsa. Being comfortable dancing with someone will make you so much more comfortable touching people in general.

Don't be afraid to ask people for their number or Facebook! Girls might might misinterpret this, but what of it? It might be easier to ask for people's numbers within earshot of their friends. (You normally wouldn't ask a girl out right in front of her friends). Make plans outside the venue you met them at.

Hope that helps.

anonybus · 2010-12-14T23:35:44+00:00

Learn to have fun conversing. Find joy in it. When I start to have boring conversations, I thread ridiculous things and then bring it back to sincerity.

girl - "So today I went to the mall with Nicky and we had some muffins for lunch at a cafe."

NOTE I don't really care about anything she just said.

me - "I LOVE MUFFINS!"

girl - "Yeah, they're alright."

me - "I got a little out of control there, but for real, muffins are cake."

Does she want to fuck me? Who cares, I got a kick out of it.

Experiment! Go wild! Talk dramatically for no reason! Ask her strange shit just to see what she says. Pretend that you're extremely timid! Sigh a lot and see what happens! They may not like you! Who cares!

Point is, whenever you get to where you want to be socially, and you will if you keep at it, you will be having fun. Having fun is key. Learn to have fun. You will not have fun like me because I thrive on being weird. Find a personal way to have fun conversing.

YouFuckingRetard · 2010-12-14T17:59:38+00:00

Conversation: Don't know what to talk about? Ask questions about themselves. This works because people know more about themselves than they know about anyone else in the world, and people LOVE to talk about themselves. Build from those questions. However, remember that it's a conversation, not an interrogation, so don't just ask question after question.

Ex:

Me: So what year are you? (Still in college)

Her: I'm a sophmore.

Me: Really? I'm a junior, and I have no idea how I've made it this far. Have you picked a major yet?

Her: No, but I'm thinking about doing either English or Philosophy.

Me: Wow, I'm a philosophy major myself! I could never do english; I don't understand symbolism....

As for books to read, if they haven't been recommended here already, are Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and Neil Strauss' "The Game" and "The Rules of The Game"

yokhai · 2010-12-14T18:26:26+00:00

Just remember girls are people too. And this can actually work to your advantage. The more aloof and "just friends" with girls, they more they will want to figure out why you aren't flirting/hitting on them. My biggest advice is to treat everyone the same (when it comes to co-ed group gatherings)

Also what jupiter said. Thumbs up to that.

philosarapter · 2010-12-14T21:29:29+00:00

Step 1. Smile. Just a friendly smile, you don't have to overdo it, but just be happy.

Step 2. Keep a positive frame of mind. Always see the bright side of things, don't let yourself get discouraged.

Step 3. Opening: Listen to other people's conversations and find what is a common way for them to intiate conversations with others. This is why many people are into Sports, its a general thing that they can start conversations with. Observations also work. "Hey I noticed you did something different with your hair today, it looks nice."

Step 4. Eye contact: You don't have to stare at them, but keep atleast 50% of your attention on them.

Step 5. Branching: When they are talking get into a mode where each word they say triggers a list of all things you know about that word. Then at any time when you have a story or a fact that may be interesting, bring it up.

Step 6. Mirroring: Show the type of emotions you wish to be shown to you. If you want people to be excited to see you and talk to you, be excited to see them. Shout their name out, or wave at them obviously. If you are happy to see them all the time, they will like talking to you and be happy to see you all the time.

TheSquirrel · 2010-12-14T16:18:24+00:00

Forget any sort of unstructured environment for now. You need to find a place where there's structured interaction revolving around a shared experience:

Pub Trivia
Board Game Party
Dancing with a free lesson
Karaoke

You can talk to people about the event you're both participating in. It's like small-talk on easy-mode.

afcanonymous · 2010-12-14T21:51:30+00:00

Practice practice practice. Social Immersion. I use that term a LOT. Try to involve yourself in as many activities involving friends and strangers. It will be awkward at first, but soon you'll get the hang of it. You just need to rewire your brain to work that way, and you can't reason your way into that. The only way is to train it by immersion.

Eskebabs · 2010-12-14T22:42:26+00:00

Some fantastic advice so far!

If you have trouble motivating yourself, grab a friend you trust and some money. Give him/her the bills saying "Give me back a bill for every group/girl/person I approach". The bigger the better.

That's what it's come down to for me unfortunately.

EDIT: Also this website http://www.succeedsocially.com/ . Just realize that you might feel encouraged/excited about being social before it actually doing something, then feel sad when you realize it takes time to improve these skills. You have to practice it directly.

2010-12-15T00:45:23+00:00

1) Smile. People want to be around people who are happier. (self esteem is bullshit. Fake it till you make it.) 2) Make a fool out of yourself. I goof off in public and do random stuff. No one actually cares, and most won't even remember in 5 mins. So just smile and have a good time. 3) Converse with people. Being lonely blows.

gadafgadaf · 2010-12-15T10:54:25+00:00

You should partake in an improv comedy class if you can. it will help you get used to thinking on your feet. Comedy is good too, it will make you fun to be around.

A lot of this is when people are talking to you, but if your the lone wolf type you gotta start conversations to be in them in the first place. You can start with anything like movies, tv, celebrities, fun stuff that people would be passionately enthusiastic about. (You will find out what their into when you get to know them better)

Being the silent type I'm thinking that you should try to steer the conversation topics your way by giving them a prompt first which gives them the initiative to get them talking and respond with a single sentence that prompts them to talk even more(depending on the situation).

After that you can relate by telling them a small story and ask them if they experienced anything that relates and draws them further in.

A lot of this also deals with life experience, if you don't get out there then you pretty much are trying to draw water from a dried up well, so get out there and do stuff. Get into some trouble and not just be by yourself in your room. Join a club or something that does things you'd like to do or maybe have never done before but want the challenge and participate.

Edit:and when i say comedy i mean conversational humor and tone, not "horse went into a bar" one liner stand up comedy. Also you can't just keep asking questions its gonna feel like your grilling them for answers in an interrogation. you gotta get a gut feeling for if this person really wants to talk or not and for how long. You gotta talk with them not at them.

reph · 2010-12-15T19:28:55+00:00

Try the "Intimate Connections" book by David Burns. I'm only about 20% into that, but it seems like the best and most effective of the dozens of books I've read so far. You don't need to read advanced shit like Robert Greene yet; it's entertaining but won't help.

Franz_Ferdinand · 2010-12-15T21:54:17+00:00

"Someone that lives close to me said, in a sincere way: "you have this look on your face that you know something we don't.""

This is actually not a bad thing, it makes you mysterious. Use it to your advantage. Of course, you need to iron out the other issues, but once you do this will actually serve you well.

Title	Help with the absolute basics: making friends
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	46
Comments	51
Date	December 14, 2010 10:20 AM UTC (15 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/elk5e/help_with_the_absolute_basics_making_friends/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/help-with-the-absolute-basics-making-friends.1313687 https://theredarchive.com/post/1313687

Comments