How did you get better at small talk?

2ND_Dinner · 2017-08-28T21:10:53+00:00

I get extremely bored EXTREMELY fast.... I am kinda weird and zany.

This is not meant to be an insult. This is meant to be actionable feedback. Don't take yourself so seriously. There are a million people out there with poor social skills who have decided to glorify their inadequacy, and that's a very dangerous trap to fall into. The combo of "I get bored easily" and "I'm zany" leads me to believe that you are only comfortable being the center of attention, acknowledged for your zaniness, and aren't empathetic enough to simply listen to people and enjoy getting to know them better. ("What are they talking about?... ugh, so boring... I should make this interesting!...") Some tips.

Don't think of YOUR feelings. Don't fixate too much on whether you are bored or not. Just try to listen and get to know people. Make it your mission to get to know somebody better and TO MAKE THEM COMFORTABLE. Try to learn to enjoy this. And I do think it can be learned.
The smartest people I know are never bored. Why? Because they are way more curious than normal people. Whatever people are saying, just be in the moment, and you might find something that seems promising, and you can ask a question to learn more about that one nugget. ASK QUESTIONS. Be engaged. Focus on the other people, not your zaniness and weirdness.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO KILL. I'm using the word "kill" in the way comedians use it, where you are just crushing on stage, people are hanging on your every word and all the jokes are hitting their marks. When you meet people, just be cool, show an interest in them. I think a lot of people worry about small talk because they feel like they have to kill. They don't realize that it can simply be a pleasant exchange, you don't have to go in there and completely remodel their inner landscape by making a huge positive impression. Simply planting a seed, being a nice person is enough.
Don't be proud of keeping it real. I think a lot of people glorify their every whim. If I feel like talking, I'm talking. If I don't, I won't. I'll say hurtful things because the truth is more important to an independent thinker like me than abiding by the terms of social contracts. Don't think that way. It's self defeating. Be proud of making an effort.

I used to be bad at small talk but I work in a business where I'm constantly meeting new people and where word of mouth is everything. I don't think I ever had an epiphany where I realized I had to work at this, but it's something I knew fully well after a few years working. My approach is focusing on the words coming out of people's mouth. A movie is more interesting when you're paying attention. When you don't know what's going on, it's boring. If you're too busy being distracted by your own anxiety or waiting for the perfect opportunity to jump in, derail the conversation, to showcase your zaniness, of course you're going to be bored. You don't know what's going on. So focus on what people are saying, ask question. Let them do most of the talking. If it's just you and another person, try to make it 40/60 ratio. You do 40% of the talking. Try to think of this as a skill to master, not a capitulation. See if you can manage to find something interesting to talk about. Pretend you're an anthropologist from outer space here to study humans.

Lastly, use your zaniness to your advantage. Don't do it to derail conversations or shock people. Have a sense of humor, don't be afraid to let a joke fly, acknowledge if the joke falls flat, and speak your mind, but KEEP IT ON TOPIC. Try to tell jokes that don't derail the conversation. I've noticed that a lot of people who think they're too idiosyncratic and "interesting", even "too high level" for most people, simply don't realize that a lot of stuff they say is so tangential they're basically off topic. I see this all the time. Almost every weird, awkward person, god bless them, who think they're too intelligent to interact with the sheeple are in fact scatterbrained and say stuff that's off topic. It's like they want to play softball with their friends, but they just grab the ball and run around the field with it and expect it to turn into tag and don't know why people are just standing there staring at them. Think of the conversation as a collaboration, not as something that needs to stop so somebody can put on a one man show.

Okay, not going to read over this. Hopefully you find something useful here. Again, I don't mean to be harsh. I hurt a lot of people's feelings as a teenager and I bet you're a way more pleasant person now than I used to be.

edit: didn't realize this was the seduction subreddit... these can all work to bond with good looking people of the opposite gender, or whatever you're into, but wasn't written with that in mind and I probably would have written this differently had I known from the beginning...

EDIT: THANKS FOR THE GOLD! :)

GantMan · 2017-08-28T19:03:05+00:00

Step 1: First small talk, is anything. Weather/Sports/Dogs/Environment etc.

Step 2: Fact sharing. Something factual and interesting as a hook. Know something cool about the smalltalk and use this as a feeler.

Step 3: Open ended question. If the fact hook does any kind of snag, open ended question it. This is the critical step. Probably the hardest to get the hook in. Make that question get the other person to start talking about themselves.

Step 4: Empathy and bond. Share in small short ways to build empathy of yourself, which causes bonding. Short stories go here that fit step 3 results.

Finally: Repeat: If you get stuck at any level go back a step, or try again.

KingEjaculator · 2017-08-28T16:10:19+00:00

Smalltalk about maxwell equations and the origin of universe

ImJustSo · 2017-08-28T17:10:19+00:00

I stopped engaging in small talk, whenever I could. Now I just banter and play with people instead. It's more amusing for me and people like me more, faster.

The_2nd_Coming · 2017-08-28T19:18:20+00:00

For me I found working in an open plan corporate office environment really helped hone that skill.

You know when you are sitting next to people and there is this uncomfortable silence if no one talks for a while? Well, small talk is the cure to that.

To make small talk interesting, you need to talk about something that you find interesting - you can't make conversation for the sake of making conversation, that will bored the shit out of everyone involved.

What is interesting however is subjective. I basically use observational stuff, current events, odd local news, or some random thought that pops into my head to start conversations.

Then you can lead the conversation into a directly that you want to go in.

lv_21 · 2017-08-28T17:04:18+00:00

Its all about experience. Ive been going out very little these past months and my small talk skills arent at peak levels.

As for learning, deliberately put yourself in the friendzone or proactively put another girl in your friendzone. Then just chat, flirt for days, weeks, months without escalating anything. Its important that there is ZERO romantic connection. You just have to be good friends.

If there is a romantic connection, she will interpret all of it as you hitting on her

GentleDrift · 2017-08-29T07:24:11+00:00

It's all about logistics. It's hard to talk to a stranger if you don't want anything from them. Have a reason to talk to people : lonely, need someone to watch movies with, want a girlfriend, want to get laid, etc.

recyclablebanthas · 2017-08-29T10:30:45+00:00

__1__

I am absolutely excellent at winning over a group

I am kinda weird and zany.

This sounds like you're better at entertaining people. Or focused more on that. And you're zaniness would play into that.

__2: Small talk isn't small__

I am so terrible at small talk.

When people first meet me, it can weird them out.

Mainly because I have nothing to go off of, and furthermore, I get extremely bored EXTREMELY fast.

You've got some unhelpful attitudes and mindsets here. You have the wrong idea about small talk and it's preventing you from connecting. Your whole idea about socially interacting is a little self-centered, apparently. If you're not entertaining a group or self-amusing, then you seem to get bored. And this is all fixable, easily.

__3: What do?__

First thing to realize is that small talk is not small. It's a gateway. Maybe you think that small talk is asking a bunch of superficial and unrelated questions that barely scratch the surface. No.
The point of "small talk" is that starting off with something personal, is too much. Just like we don't start a manual shift car in 5th gear. That's why we have lower gears to start out with. And that's WHY we have small talk.
You start off with small talk, but the twist is that you have to pay attention when they're talking. Like really pay attention. Active listening. If you are thinking about what you want to say when someone else is talking, then you're doing it wrong. You should literally be an empty mind accepting all the words coming out of their mouth like a sponge.
Then when they're done speaking, you think about what they said, and you ask something about what they just said.
And here's where the interesting part comes in: when you ask something about what they just said, you ask the questions with two things in mind: how did they feel about the subject matter or why did they do something. Emotions and motivations. The most basic human things that we all share. And the best and easiest way to relate to other human beings. We all feel the same emotions and we can all understand basic motivations.

So this is the task. Get at what makes another person tick, at a basic level.

__4: On being "bored" or "weirding people out"__

Couple more points:

a

Acting bored when someone else is speaking is going to be obvious to them and you might as well flip them off if you're going to allow this attitude to take over.

b

Same goes for your tendency to weird people out. This is a self-serving thing to do and by now you're likely aware of what weirds people out. So if you choose to do those things anyway, it's self-masturbatory. It's you taking pride in you. It's disregard for others, rather than connecting. You know this.

What I'm suggesting is not to put yourself in a box; that's not a solution either. But man, you don't NEED to unleash the full extent of everything you feel like doing, just because you feel like it.

Maturity allows you to moderate yourself, at least partially. There's nothing wrong with sheltering people a little bit from the weirdness and letting it all go when you're with people who know you.

aswjacob · 2017-08-28T20:15:21+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/4seyc9/never_run_out_of_things_to_say_to_womenkeep_the/

raouldukeesq · 2017-08-28T20:25:15+00:00

Be interested in what the other person wants to talk about.

-Saskia- · 2017-08-28T20:37:29+00:00

[permanently deleted]

DirkDieGurke · 2017-08-28T20:45:56+00:00

Pick a topic from THEIR conversation. Ask them to clarify, and let them talk about it. Keep doing that. OCCASIONALLY interject with a personal comment that is somewhat related to their topic to let them know you are listening and care.

gigitygigitygoo · 2017-08-28T22:01:43+00:00

I try to find common ground, relate my experience briefly, pose a question related to said topic, and then branch out from there wherever the conversation naturally flows. To find a common topic, look for influence based on the environment you're in such as the gym, a long line, rainy weather, etc.

LUClEN · 2017-08-29T00:11:13+00:00

Shrink ray

ForeignInUsA · 2017-08-29T01:51:56+00:00

When you are going up to someone you are going there because you are interested in that person. When you are talking to that person about anything at all you guys are there to feel each other out. Talk about the things you want to talk about but try to make it relatable, imagine adjusting the radio signal on the car to match the radio station. Once she starts to get know you and like you more you can expand. You see it as small talk I see every word exchanged as a piece of us as cheeky as it sounds.

DavidGolani11 · 2017-08-29T06:53:31+00:00

Move out of your own head, when you're conversing think of your mind as leaving your brain and dancing with her mind in front of you. That sounds odd but if you are cooped up too much in your own thoughts you simply can't hold a conversation. You have to focus on her, what she's saying and how she's feeling.

geosmeo23 · 2017-08-29T16:36:30+00:00

Don't bother with it. Jump in at the deep end. ask interesting questions

Title	How did you get better at small talk?
Author	SoIncrediblyUnsure
Upvotes	184
Comments	43
Date	August 28, 2017 4:00 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/6wkb7n/how_did_you_get_better_at_small_talk/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-did-you-get-better-at-small-talk.1432754 https://theredarchive.com/post/1432754

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