How do you differentiate between not wanting to do something because it's out of your comfort zone or because you genuinely don't want to?

gigitygigitygoo · 2013-10-18T21:46:28+00:00

"Will I later regret not trying it" is what I ask myself.

puaCurveBall · 2013-10-18T21:55:21+00:00

Well, first I would challenge your notion of "genuinely wanting". I think this is conjuring some idea of a "higher truth" that simply doesn't exist.

So really, I feel your question is better stated:

How do you know if you don't want to do something because you are uncomfortable, or another equally valid reason?

You have made a decision to not treat your comfort zone as a valid reason, because you have a goal.

So what you need to do, is examine your reasons for wanting to do something, and wanting to do something, and make another decision.

For instance if there is a hot woman, it might be:

Well, I would be uncomfortable talking to her
On the other hand, I'd like to have a conversation with her
Do I have any other reasons besides being uncomfortable? Nope!
Well since I've decided that isn't a good reason, i'm going to approach her.

If there are girls you aren't interested in:

I would be uncomfortable approaching
I don't really see much benefit coming from this
Do I have other reasons to not approach? Yes I'm not interested in talking to them
Well, I'm going to not approach then.

Keep doing this.

Eventually, you might find yourself in a situation where you feel like you aren't approaching enough, and it might be time to tell yourself that "not standing out" isn't a good reason to not approach, at which point you change your behavior.

perezidentt · 2013-10-18T21:08:14+00:00

I find that something that I want to do that is outside my comfort zone is accompanied by a rationalisation, whereas something that I just don't want to do isn't.

CallMeHelga · 2013-10-18T20:39:00+00:00

You could always try giving it a shot and then decide if you're still not having fun.

joshsway · 2013-10-18T20:18:41+00:00

usually i found, in your specific example, the "I prefer to just do my own thing" is actually code for: "I'm trying to rationalize to myself why I am not approaching them when I actually want to but have approach anxiety". I would suggest approaching. Have you ever been forced to do something you thought was going to suck but ended up being awesome?

xMarkItZerox · 2013-10-18T21:45:10+00:00

on the same path you are, and it can be tough to decipher. what helps is like miscmantheman said with rationalization.

Here's an example: You say to yourself "That girl is so gorgeous!" But inside you feel like you wish she would come to you or that she was yours. You may not initially say it or think it, but you have the subconscious thought, or almost like nagging desire for her.

That's kind of when you can tell you're conflicting with your comfort zone--when you want something, but perhaps are nervous, intimidated, or even fearful of the consequences of breaching that comfort zone, aka talking to her.

Here's a simple example of not wanting to do something. I genuinely don't want to play baseball b/c I hate it and think it is a shit sport. I've played it before, but I hated it. I don't want to play it again. It doesn't sound fun to watch or play.

Now let's take a bar...loud, very externally stimulating environment w/ lots of loud, drunk, idiot dudes who have hot chicks with them for some reason. I hate this environment, cuz generally people piss me off, especially when they are doof-asses who have good looking girls with them for some reason (haters gonna hate right?). But you do have to throw yourself into the situation a few times to really judge whether or not you genuinely don't like it. I mean...gotta try it before judging right?

Plus, when you go out of your comfort zone you are potentially expanding your comfort zone! I am scared to swim. I jump in a pool and survive and enjoy it. Now I love to swim and I am a great swimmer. Swimming is in my comfort zone. See the idea?

If a girl doesn't attract you, keep in mind she is a person and is probably friendly. She also probably has friends who do attract you! By expanding your comfort zone with more people and interactions, you are potentially expanding your social circle! Thus people you may actually enjoy being around and spending time with, especially women.

If you don't try, then nothing will change in your comfort zone. Your comfort zone will constrict you and the experiences you have in your life.

-my two cents.

SpeakingPegasus · 2013-10-19T01:12:30+00:00

I'd say anytime you're rationalizing, it's probably outside your comfort zone.

We don't think about things we don't care about for more than a split second.

Walk past a girl that doesn't even pique your interest a little? you'll probably dump her from your mind before you're done turning your head away.

See something on television that looks stupid? click next channel.

We make these snap judgements all the time, our brains cannot possibly process everything we experience, and a lot of it gets chucked right out.

So i your example, if nobody is really "grabbing you" do your own thing. If at any point in the night you catch yourself looking at said girls, or if they pop into your head.

approach them.

if it is your goal to talk to woman, sometimes you gotta bite the bullet. We come up with so much BS to avoid being uncomfortable.

if you really didn't care, you wouldn't be thinking about it.

I like to think "the waters always cold" my comfort zone is pretty small, but if there is something in there I want. I am going in. I forget how uncomfortable I am pretty quickly.

bl1y · 2013-10-18T23:32:55+00:00

When there is something outside of your comfort zone which you do actually want to do, how much trouble do you have getting yourself to do it?

If you do struggle or have that particular sticking point, then you need to work on just breaking through that wall in general, even if you don't care too much about what it is you're doing. Think of it as comfort-zone-breaking batting practice.

babypenguin3 · 2013-10-18T21:46:52+00:00

Fear, not wanting to do something is usually driven by a logical conclusion. Not wanting to do something because it is out of your comfort zone is usually accompanied by some emotional form of fear.

PenguinJuice69 · 2013-10-18T23:08:19+00:00

I just do it anyways.... what else would I be doing instead? Nothing. Never get comfortable. I'm going to a conceet tonight in downtown chicago and am not driving. Idk what it's gunna be like, but I'm excited to find out.

Sr_Wafffles · 2013-10-18T23:32:15+00:00

Imagine how you feel after doing it. If you would feel good after doing it (regardless of outcome) then you're making excuses not to

merelyLurking · 2013-10-19T04:01:51+00:00

when it starts to affect your relationships, money, and health.

WeinMe · 2013-10-19T05:15:15+00:00

Most people make decisions in which fear becomes a large part of not wanting to do something. Remove fear from the equation, and ask yourself if you still want it. But in doing this, you have to be brutally honest with yourself. If you already feel like asking someone out, then thoughts such as "she is not x enough" "she is too x for me" will just be a product of fear.

HellaSober · 2013-10-19T05:59:09+00:00

The whole point of what you are trying to learn is to enjoy interacting socially with people (specifically attractive girls, but they are a subset of the broader category of people). You aren't committing to 30 minutes or even 5 minutes of conversation with these girls, but being able to have fun walking around and making small talk with others and then going back to hanging out with your friends for most of the night without it ruining the vibe of your night is an important muscle for you to flex at this point.

Don't think of it as approaching, think of it as developing more broad networking or social skills. And a party where you have tons of mutual friends around is a really easy place to practice, so if you were out of your comfort zone there you have a lot of progress to make.

You don't always have to do this - I'm an introvert and the idea of hanging out with tons of people is tiring to me. I'm only good at being social when I know in advance that I'm going to be doing it that night/day. Just don't let things like your recent party experience become too much of a habit if you are really trying to come out of your shell.

VinCenzo831 · 2013-10-19T06:36:06+00:00

If it gives you anxiety when thinking about taking action then you need to leave you comfort zone. If no anxiety exists then you just don't care to do it.

tushay · 2013-10-19T07:31:17+00:00

I normally get a butterfly sensation in my stomach if it's something that scares me. Otherwise I'm pretty nonchalant

Edgar_Allan_Rich · 2013-10-19T07:47:14+00:00

Interesting point. I feel like there are a lot of great answers here. I also think that being able to clearly differentiate between the two is one of the untalked-about goals of this endeavor. Sort of a landmark. I have absolutely no problem with this now, but I can clearly remember the days of it being a problem.

tjsr · 2013-10-19T08:06:52+00:00

Something I genuinely don't want to do is something I won't do even with the support of or a little gentle encouragement from a girl I like. It might sound odd, but there's a lot that's out of my comfort zone - but there's actually very little that's out of my comfort zone when a partner is involved. eg, I hate dancing, yet I'm completely happy to have someone I like drag me out to dance, so long as it's in baby steps. Same thing with foods, I'm a pretty fussy eater, but I'll try things if she asks. Won't do that on my own.

Skittles_N_Vodka · 2013-10-19T19:37:32+00:00

If you see a girl that you have sexual interest in but don't go talk to her, it's out of your comfort zone. No excuse in the world for not talking to a woman you find attractive is a real excuse.

If you want it, but don't go get it, that's your comfort zone. If you don't go dance with your friends because you like to sit and drink, then it means you don't want to.

But if you watch your friends dancing wishing you were having fun, then that's your comfort zone.

WillRedditForBitcoin · 2013-10-19T02:03:08+00:00

Never ever again use "don't want" as an excuse if you have not yet tried something whether it's trying out a new hobby, approaching a new girl or starting a gym. Do it once, if you don't like it, fair enough. You won't believe how much you will miss out on in life if you listen to your "don't want to". Every single exciting thing you will ever experience begins with some kind of uncertainty.

TheDisillusionist · 2013-10-18T21:43:50+00:00

The goal.

tesslacoil914 · 2013-10-18T20:39:23+00:00

You try it.

Title	How do you differentiate between not wanting to do something because it's out of your comfort zone or because you genuinely don't want to?
Author	Chuuy
Upvotes	131
Comments	29
Date	October 18, 2013 7:53 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1oqha5/how_do_you_differentiate_between_not_wanting_to/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-do-you-differentiate-between-not-wanting-to-do.1360119 https://theredarchive.com/post/1360119

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