How to follow contradictory advice

asssoe · 2024-05-20T18:58:23+00:00

Find your own way by getting experience in real life. Some stuff may seem contradictory because its coming from different people who have their own experiences and perspectives. Use theory as a starting point then go out and make your own judgements.

TechniqueSquidward · 2024-05-20T19:17:12+00:00

Dating is not like bench pressing, where you will receive the best results just by pushing as hard as you can in one direction. It's much more like a handstand, where you have to find the right balance.

There is not one thing to do or say that is universally correct and will always get you results with any partner, otherwise, everyone would be doing that. People are different. You can't possibly know how an individual will react before reaching out. Of course there are some rules of thumb that will make it easier for you to navigate the dating scene, but even those may not always hold up in practice (e.g. you'd be well advised not to be too clingy early on, yet there are still people out there who love-bomb and have some success with it).

It can be frustrating to hear advice on here that seems to be contradictory. Rather view it as descriptions of various attracting and repelling forces, that can counter-act and push or pull into different directions. The presence of one force does not rule out the presence of another one. In the end, you will only be able to fine-tune your own individual social skills by trying things out yourself.

Ok-Shock8867 · 2024-05-20T21:45:13+00:00

The entire problem with this type of thinking and the overly-generalized advice in this community is just that: they're generalizations.

Seduction is a DIALOGUE with another human being. What signals is she giving you? Is she hinting that you're being too direct and you should back off? Is she hinting that you're being too passive and she's going to get bored? Is she hinting that you ignore her too much? Is she hinting that she's feeling smothered and wants you to back off? Is she threatened by your female friends, or does she pursue you a little harder when she sees you around female friends? Does she indicate that she thinks you're a fuckboy, or does she indicate that you're going too hard down the romantic path?

That's where 99.9999% of the men on this forum fall down; they just repeat behaviors that they learned from some seduction guide and pay ZERO attention to the signals they're getting from the women.

It's a dialogue.

No-Preference8767 · 2024-05-21T00:38:55+00:00

These sound like nuanced opinions. Nuance exists. Idk what else to say . I didn't see a single contradiction

DaygameCode · 2024-05-21T02:11:50+00:00

Your confusion happens because you want to see dating as a black and white issue, when the reality is that there is a lot of nuance and complexity involved.

This is what in seduction is called “calibration” which is basically measuring when it is appropriate to follow a certain tip and when another tip, something that requires experience and social intelligence.

If 1 is seen around female friends, girls might be interested . However, women might also think that a female friend is a gf, and could lose interest.

And a girl could also think that your female friend is your girlfriend and be interested in you. Women could also think you are gay if you are surrounded by female friends. Whether being surrounded by female friends benefits your sexual value, will depend on whether it actually looks like those female friends are into you, or whether they treat you as a gay best friend, and also whether they are ugly or pretty.

One should show intent, but, if one is to direct, it might scare her. If I don't escalate quickly enough, it makes the woman think that I'm being friendly.

Because being direct can have different interpretations. If you tell a woman “that you find her cute and want to get to know her to see if you find her personality cute too” then you are being somewhat direct, but not fully direct because being fully direct would mean you want to have sex with her straight away instead of telling her that you want to get to know her.

But you are also not being indirect because you are being clear that you find her cute and are exploring the possibility of potentially dating her, which is more direct than saying an indirect opener such is: “hey do you know any pharmacy around here? thank you by the way i’m Peter, what’s your name”

In this last example, you are being indirect because you haven’t said yet why you are talking to her or that you are trying to explore the possibility of asking her out, you are just introducing yourself after a question about the pharmacy without revealing any intentions.

If I escalate too quickly, she might think, I'm only after sex.

There is a seduction technique called “qualification” that solves this problem, which consists on justifying your escalations based on her merits she has displayed throughout the conversation, that make her feel like you don’t just focus on superficial stuff but on her actual personality and the connection you both share which makes any escalation feel earned and thus accepted even if it happened quickly.

One should not give her too much attention. This shows that one is not needy and has options, but if one ignores her too much, she will give up and move on.

This is not really a contradiction. A contradiction is something that denies the first statement. Here you haven’t denied the first statement. A contradiction would be if one said that giving attention to women is bad, but not giving attention is also bad, which is not the same thing that you said in the example.

Giving too much attention is bad because people want space, and independence, giving no attention at all can make people think that you are not interested anymore. You need a balance.

It’s not difficult to understand, you may like cake or chocolate or whatever, but that doesn’t mean you wanna eat cake/chocolate,… every fucking day or every fucking hour of the rest of your life, because then you would start to hate cake.

Same thing happens with the attention you give to both men and women. Because you seem to think that this is only an issue with women, but if you were demanding attention constantly from a male friend or you parents or whatever they would also get annoyed and that doesn’t mean they don’t want your attention, just not excessive attention.

One has to appear as if someone is experienced and has options, but should avoid being seen as a womanizer.

This depends on many factors, there is no such rule that you must always avoid being seeing as a womaniser because there are contexts where it can help you, and other contexts where it may not. This advice is therefore situation specific.

One should focus on having fun and women will come. However, if one is not approaching or being social, women are not going to approach, because most only send signals and don't go over to speak to you.

You misunderstood this. Having fun doesn’t necessarily mean you stick to yourself, it means being a fun person to be around. Approaching is part of the fun you are having, and whether women come or not depends on whether you are actually fun while interacting with them or not.

SaaSWriters · 2024-05-21T11:46:18+00:00

You pay too much attention to this stuff. You clearly need more experience. Go out. Interact with people. Make moves on the women you want. If you stay focused and consistent, you’ll know what to do.

Most of the advice you’ve mentioned is based on a false premise. So all conclusions are wrong. You can only find out the truth by taking action.

Fantastic-Life-2024 · 2024-05-22T21:02:25+00:00

Everyone has a different approach. You find out what you are and the best way for YOU to approach dating. Some men can cut straight to sex because their whole personality just indicates that however a nerdy introvert guy being so overt would be rejected straight away.

InstructionAbject763 · 2024-05-24T02:24:37+00:00

I can answer the first one

We women like to know you have OPTIONS

But we still don't like promiscuous men because of disease trashiness, possibility of having baby mamma drama

For example it's like knowing a guy has the ability to buy 20 sports cars

That's COOL

But it's really irresponsible and looks bad if he does go out and buy 20 sports cars

AnAIAteMyBaby · 2024-05-20T20:15:10+00:00

I think something that people I'm the community struggle with is treating this like a science. There isn't necessarily always a right and a wrong. People are individuals and often very different which is why this is more of an art than a science.

You have to fund what works best for you through trial and error

MrAnonPoster · 2024-05-20T20:22:45+00:00

Spend less time listening to people who arent dating women you want to date or women who arent dating men like you (or you) or women you arent interested in dating. Should you apply that filter most of the bullshit will drop right off

epimpstyle · 2024-05-21T20:28:13+00:00

Women might also think that a female friend is a gf, and could lose interest.

Not at all, because when you approach a woman, you tell her that she is a friend. Also among the women there is a kind of silly thing that a woman might think that she can steal you from your girlfriend because she thinks about herself that she is better looking. It is a kind of rivalry and when you have a female friend with you, you activate this concept in a woman.

One should show intent,

It is not about escalating fast enough, it is about letting her know your real intent when you use an indirect approach when you see IOI signals. For some reasons everyone prefers to use the direct approach, but because I'm not young, nor tall and handsome, I always start indirectly without showing them my real intent, but actually I build from there. If she has a boyfriend it is not a waste of time, actually I had the chance to talk to a woman for 5 minutes for example and this is a very good warm up for the next set. BTW, I'm 46, it's weird to tell a woman in her 20s that she looks cute, but on very rare occasions I do, but extremely rare.

One should not put her on a pedestal or give her too much attention.

There has to be a balance in everything you do. Being too nice is as bad as being too bad. (The opposite is also true.)

When going out, one should focus on having fun and women will come

This is BS, I have said it 100 times on Reddit. Women don't come out of nowhere, and even if you're having fun, they won't interrupt you, just like you wouldn't interrupt a group of guys laughing.

DaygameCode · 2024-05-21T02:11:26+00:00

Your confusion happens because you want to see dating as a black and white issue, when the reality is that there is a lot of nuance and complexity involved.

There are many factors that influence dating and relationships, and one thing can work in certain contexts while in other contexts that same thing that previously worked might not work because it’s not the proper moment.

This is what in seduction is called “calibration” which is basically measuring when it is appropriate to follow a certain tip and when another tip, something that requires experience and social intelligences.

If 1 is seen around female friends, one is recognized as a more valuable male, because females feel comfortable. However, women might also think that a female friend is a gf, and could lose interest.

And a girl could also think that your female friend is your girlfriend and be interested in you. Women could also think you are gay if you are surrounded by female friends. Whether being surrounded by female friends benefits your sexual value, will depend on whether it actually looks like those female friends are into you, or whether they treat you as a gay best friend, and also whether they are ugly or pretty.

One should show intent, however, if one is to direct, it might scare her. It has happened to me that I don't escalate quickly enough, which makes the woman think that I'm just being friendly.

Because being direct can have different interpretations. If you tell a woman “that you find her cute and want to get to know her to see if you find her personality cute too” then you are being somewhat direct, but not fully direct because being fully direct would mean you want to have sex with her straight away instead of telling her that you want to get to know her.

But you are also not being indirect because you are being clear that you find her cute and are exploring the possibility of potentially dating her, which is more direct than saying an indirect opener such is: “hey do you know any pharmacy around here? thank you by the way i’m Peter, what’s your name”

In this last example, you are being indirect because you haven’t said yet why you are talking to her or that you are trying to explore the possibility of asking her out, you are just introducing yourself after a question about the pharmacy without revealing any intentions.

If I escalate too quickly, she might think, I'm only after sex.

There is a seduction technique called “qualification” that solves this problem, which consists on justifying your escalations based on her merits she has displayed throughout the conversation, that make her feel like you don’t just focus on superficial stuff but on her actual personality and the connection you both share which makes any escalation feel earned and thus accepted even if it happened quickly.

One should not put her on a pedestal or give her too much attention. This shows that one is not needy and has options, but if one ignores her too much, she will give up and move on.

This is not really a contradiction. A contradiction is something that denies the first statement. Here you haven’t denied the first statement. A contradiction would be if one said that giving attention to women is bad, but not giving attention is also bad, which is not the same thing. that you gave out in the example.

Giving too much attention is bad because people want space, and independence, giving no attention at all can make people think that you are not interested anymore. You need a balance.

It’s it difficult to understand, you may like cake or chocolate or whatever, but that doesn’t mean you wanna eat cake/chocolate,… every fucking day or every fucking hour of the rest of your life, because then you would start to hate cake. Same thing happens with the attention you give to both men and women.

Because you seem to think that this is only an issue with women, but if you were demanding attention constantly from a male friend or you parents or whatever they would also get annoyed and that doesn’t mean they don’t want your attention, just not excessive attention.

One has to appear as if someone is experienced and has options, but should avoid being seen as a womanizer.

This depends on many factors, there is no such rule that you must always avoid being seeing as a womaniser because there are contexts where it can help you, and other contexts where it may not. This advice is therefore situation specific.

When going out, one should focus on having fun and women will come. However, if one is not approaching or being social, women are not going to approach, because most only send signals and don't go over to speak to you.

DaygameCode · 2024-05-21T02:11:38+00:00

Your confusion happens because you want to see dating as a black and white issue, when the reality is that there is a lot of nuance and complexity involved.

There are many factors that influence dating and relationships, and one thing can work in certain contexts while in other contexts that same thing that previously worked might not work because it’s not the proper moment.

This is what in seduction is called “calibration” which is basically measuring when it is appropriate to follow a certain tip and when another tip, something that requires experience and social intelligences.

If 1 is seen around female friends, one is recognized as a more valuable male, because females feel comfortable. However, women might also think that a female friend is a gf, and could lose interest.

And a girl could also think that your female friend is your girlfriend and be interested in you. Women could also think you are gay if you are surrounded by female friends. Whether being surrounded by female friends benefits your sexual value, will depend on whether it actually looks like those female friends are into you, or whether they treat you as a gay best friend, and also whether they are ugly or pretty.

One should show intent, however, if one is to direct, it might scare her. It has happened to me that I don't escalate quickly enough, which makes the woman think that I'm just being friendly.

Because being direct can have different interpretations. If you tell a woman “that you find her cute and want to get to know her to see if you find her personality cute too” then you are being somewhat direct, but not fully direct because being fully direct would mean you want to have sex with her straight away instead of telling her that you want to get to know her.

But you are also not being indirect because you are being clear that you find her cute and are exploring the possibility of potentially dating her, which is more direct than saying an indirect opener such is: “hey do you know any pharmacy around here? thank you by the way i’m Peter, what’s your name”

In this last example, you are being indirect because you haven’t said yet why you are talking to her or that you are trying to explore the possibility of asking her out, you are just introducing yourself after a question about the pharmacy without revealing any intentions.

If I escalate too quickly, she might think, I'm only after sex.

There is a seduction technique called “qualification” that solves this problem, which consists on justifying your escalations based on her merits she has displayed throughout the conversation, that make her feel like you don’t just focus on superficial stuff but on her actual personality and the connection you both share which makes any escalation feel earned and thus accepted even if it happened quickly.

One should not put her on a pedestal or give her too much attention. This shows that one is not needy and has options, but if one ignores her too much, she will give up and move on.

This is not really a contradiction. A contradiction is something that denies the first statement. Here you haven’t denied the first statement. A contradiction would be if one said that giving attention to women is bad, but not giving attention is also bad, which is not the same thing. that you gave out in the example.

Giving too much attention is bad because people want space, and independence, giving no attention at all can make people think that you are not interested anymore. You need a balance.

It’s it difficult to understand, you may like cake or chocolate or whatever, but that doesn’t mean you wanna eat cake/chocolate,… every fucking day or every fucking hour of the rest of your life, because then you would start to hate cake. Same thing happens with the attention you give to both men and women.

Because you seem to think that this is only an issue with women, but if you were demanding attention constantly from a male friend or you parents or whatever they would also get annoyed and that doesn’t mean they don’t want your attention, just not excessive attention.

One has to appear as if someone is experienced and has options, but should avoid being seen as a womanizer.

This depends on many factors, there is no such rule that you must always avoid being seeing as a womaniser because there are contexts where it can help you, and other contexts where it may not. This advice is therefore situation specific.

TRTGymBro1 · 2024-05-21T01:01:17+00:00

It sound contradictory because you are not understanding the underlying philosophy of what makes women attracted. Everyone in this community reaches you to get attached to an outcome and pursue it it like your life depended on it. In the real world this means, you going out and setting your mind on taking a girl home.

Here is the problem with all of this. If you ABSOLUTELY HAVE to have that outcome, you will always be a slave to how the other person reacts to you. Because her sex or whatever (getting her, obtaining her, earning her) is the prize, you are quite literally subjugating yourself to the whims of the woman. Women sense that and they find it creepy and weak.

You have to let go of this idea that you HAVE TO get a woman. It is the single most damaging idea that you can get in your head. When you think that, you develop over expectations. You get nervous, you start trying to impress, come on too strong OR alternatively, you don't act at all, because the risk of not getting what you so desperately want is too big.

I will give you an analogy. Let's say you are desperate to work for Google. You obsess over it, but you haven't been able to get anyone's attention at the company. Until one day, a friend of yours invites you to a party. Your friend tells you that coincidentally, the party will be attended by a hiring manager from Google who happens to work in the exact team that you want to be part of.

What will you do? Do you go to the party and try to corner the hiring manager and talk about how great you are OR try to kiss his ass and gush about Google? How many times do you think he's ran across people like you who are trying to use him to get a job? Probably hundreds. He's probably tired and will look at you like a worm.

Now let's suppose you don't care about a job at Google. Let's suppose you like your job and are not looking. Let's suppose you go to this party and don't know who the person is. But he seems kind of cool so you start chatting g with him. He tells you he works at Google. You take interest in that. You tell him about similar stuff you are doing at your company. You ask questions about their strategy and direction and himself and why he chose to work there. But you don't want anything from him. You are not just another needy beggar wanting a damn job. You couldn't care about it.

But somehow, the Google hiring manager ends up liking you a lot and is impressed by your work background and how you took interest in his work. So he takes your info and reaches out to you later on, asking if you if you might be interested in coming to interview with them.

Does this sound like a better way to approach things? Did you hide behind your beer and not talk to anyone at the party? Did you try to pretend not to be interested in this guy's work? No. You just took o retest in him as a person and not as someone who could give you a fucking job.

The difference is neediness. One approach is needy. Looking to get something out of people. Desperately wanting to extract value from them. Or even if you give value, it is only because you expect something in return. The other approach is simply getting to know the person. Learning about them and deciding if you like them or not. Big difference.

GiotaroKugio · 2024-05-20T22:44:25+00:00

its not really contradictory, one thing might work on someone but not another one and viceversa

punktfan · 2024-05-21T00:32:18+00:00

The point of all this advice is to just be your authentic self, confidently. You'll push away the women who aren't right for you, and attract the women who are right for you.

Title	How to follow contradictory advice
Author	Acceptable_Act1435
Upvotes	1
Comments	26
Date	May 20, 2024 6:06 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1cwm2ul/how_to_follow_contradictory_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-to-follow-contradictory-advice.1519043 https://theredarchive.com/post/1519043

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