help

Ok-Guidance6491 · 2025-12-30T09:28:16+00:00

Not sure how long it has been but this is not about you. It’s not fair to you, but what your mom did was also not fair to him. Tell him you need a dad and although you know he is in pain, you still want a relationship with him but only if he can leave your mom out of it. Acknowledging that he is in pain and right to feel that way might go a long way towards making him feel safer with you.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2025-12-29T14:43:09+00:00

First, I’m really sorry. I can't tell how old you are but, regardless, this is heavy, and it’s not your job to carry it.

What you’re seeing isn’t really about you or your mom. It’s your dad struggling with unresolved loss, jealousy, and fear, and instead of dealing with it directly, he’s projecting it onto the safest place he can: you. That doesn’t make him a bad person, but it does make his behavior unfair.

The most important thing to understand is this: you cannot fix him, and you are not responsible for helping him move on. Trying to manage his emotions will only exhaust you and build resentment.

What you can do is set a simple, calm boundary. Something like:

“Dad, I want to spend time with you. But when you bring mom or her boyfriend into it, it hurts and makes me pull away. If it keeps happening, I’ll need to end the conversation.”

You don’t have to argue, explain, or defend your mom. Just repeat the boundary and follow through.

It’s okay to love someone and still limit how much emotional weight you carry for them. Wanting a peaceful relationship with your dad doesn’t make you disloyal to anyone, it makes you healthy.

If you’re able, talking to a counselor yourself can really help you process this. Children of parents who can’t regulate their emotions often grow up feeling responsible for everyone else’s feelings. You deserve relief from that.

You’re not wrong for being tired of this. And you’re not wrong for wanting him to grow but protecting yourself comes first.

nomohydro · 2025-12-29T13:08:26+00:00

I always thought the same of my Dad, like dude fix this sh.t. Doesn't work like that when someone else is involved.

MiloGoesToPorridge · 2025-12-29T11:27:05+00:00

He's just walking through a bit of pain and heartache that he hasn't quite got a handle on yet, but he will. He needs to just let time do it's thing.

Don't take a single bit of this personally, as hard is it is to go through. He's only bouncing his thoughts off you (maybe he doesn't have anyone else to bounce them off).

Play the waiting game, absorb the barbs, it'll come good in the end.

ObjectiveSalt1635 · 2025-12-29T11:16:06+00:00

When he says stuff about your mom try to redirect him to think about what he does have and how that’s much more important - he has you.

OkBug1890 · 2025-12-29T08:23:15+00:00

Just sign up for therapy. Don’t wait for someone to come and rescue you on Reddit.

TheFrozenCanadianGuy · 2025-12-29T05:49:42+00:00

I think he’s just really really hurt.

You should have a heart to heart with him and explain it’s not because of what he’s thinking. Much love to you guys

rowman_nahledge · 2025-12-29T04:36:55+00:00

Hey kiddo, let me say that dad is hurting and it seems in a bad way. We all hurt going thru this especially when we get replaced by some new guy when we were there the whole time making it work for our family to be replaced is fckn hard on a man. I know hes being kinda of a dick but you need to explain to him exactly what u wrote on here. Hes hurt and he should be glad his lil girl still wants to hang out. I hope my daughter grows up and still wants to hang out with her ild man. Dont give up on him please

upvotersfortruth · 2025-12-29T04:21:44+00:00

It seems he has some very deep seated insecurities / self worth issues thinking that the reason you’re seeing him is to give her time alone. As for texting your mom - that’s not really your business and your mom shouldn’t be exposing you to it. But I get it. However, raising that issue with him will feed into his insecurities and he’ll probably view you as her agent - which you shouldn’t be.

His comments to you are very passive-aggressive toward both you and your mom. To your mom it’s like he’s saying she needs to pawn you off on him to get her own time, attacking her parenting. To you it’s like he’s saying, you don’t value him enough to spend time with him without some other reason and essentially attacking your genuineness in the relationship.

If it were me, as the kid, I’d go to dinner with him and as soon as he mentions your mom, say something like, “Can we have one meal where we don’t talk about her? Please dad! I’m here to see YOU!” Nit sure if you’ve tried something like that. And of course, you shouldn’t mention her either. See how that goes or if you’ve tried something like that before, how did he respond?

He’s hurt, broken and not well - and you can’t fix him. If he has narcissistic personality disorder or severe narcissistic traits, the chances of him seeking therapy or sticking with it are very low. So make sure you set boundaries and stick with them.

EDIT: Are you the only one he has to talk to?

fuzzydogdada · 2025-12-29T04:07:58+00:00

Thanks for posting this. It was brave of you. Its a reminder to all of us that the kids are sometimes the collateral damage.

Your dad is hurting, like most of us here but he shouldnt be involving you in his pain.

You should talk to your dad about how you feel. Also set some ground rules about things he can say. Try your best to find an activity that you can share without so much dead time where his mind can go to his dark place. Seeing a movie or playing video games or playing sports are all great options.

My daughter confronted me one day for doing something similar. I was not jeolous but every time my daughter did something wrong or made a mistake, I accused her of being like her mother. What asshole I was!

I am grateful for my daughter for taking me out of that mindset. Go talk to him. And encourage him in very gentle ways to find things that will help him cope with the pain.

You also need to be mindful that his pain is not your problem either. Be empathetic and support him as best you can but its NOT your job to fix him. He needs to do that himself.

Good luck!! Proud of you.

Vollen595 · 2025-12-29T03:17:08+00:00

I’m the dad in the betrayed role with custody of my daughter. It’s been a shitshow to say the least.

But I do understand your dads rage (not so much the obsession) but I can see where he’s coming from.

You need to make him understand you are not a proxy for your mom. You are not her, you sound like you genuinely want to spend time with him. He needs to know it’s for you, not his ex wife and if he can’t respect your own personal boundaries, check back in when he can.

What you wrote here is a good start. Your dad is obviously not past it but that doesn’t negate your feelings. Tell him. If he can’t respect his daughters boundaries, he should understand how much this hurts you.

IcyMycologist4837 · 2025-12-29T03:08:50+00:00

You are a great kid for giving him some slack. Depends how long ago divorce happened on whether he has been able to process this life event. An occasional slip up like a side comment is common but if you note it he should apologize to you and try to minimize it from happening again in front of you. He may need counseling if he does not get better at controlling his emotions. But please do not go no contact with him. Many kids do it expecting parents to be perfect. But some people do not change and in that case you may need to decide how often and how to interact with him.

MajesticDrive4049 · 2025-12-29T03:03:13+00:00

This is a great post, i think most of us can relate to this. Anger is a normal emotion that men face when we dont understand the why. I think it makes sense to think the reason why relationships fail is due to one reason, when really its a thousand little reasons. I think most men exhaust themself day in day out to keep it all together and then the when the rug gets pulled, thats how we feel. If your dad didnt care i doubt he would be angry, but its sometimes hard to put words to emotion. There does seem to be a slippery slope between managing your way through the minefield to maintain a relationship but i give you credit. I think somewhere along the way (i been a year since d day) i forgot to hug my 14 y/o daughter and tell her that i love her. I think its prob just to be expected that its a process for dads to refocus on whats important, the kids. Maybe try to give him a hug and smack him upside his head, because i was just talking to a co-worker who said its been 22 years since he talked to his daughter. Also i think It gets lost on us thats daughters are just gonna have a better relationship with their moms. Good luck!

Immediate-Story2562 · 2025-12-29T02:59:37+00:00

If he is newly divorced then he will still feel betrayed and hurt but that is no excuse to spend some quality time with you. Eventually he should go through the grief stages and you might get your dad back.
Thank you for understanding and I agree talk to him about spending time and please not to mention your mom.
He is just a human trying to make sense of it all and trying to do life like the rest of us.
Good luck

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2025-12-29T02:44:36+00:00

You just need to tell him everything you said here. You just want to spend time with him.

Ask him to tell you some stories about when he was a kid. Offer to make him dinner even if it's just Mac n cheese. Ask him if you can watch his favorite movie or series.

He's obviously hurting but he also should not be taking it out on you. That's shitty behavior.

If he can't figure out that he's being an asshole, simply tell him you'd love to spend time with him but you're not going to put up with this behavior.

The divorce was not your fault. He's not handling it well. It's unfortunate. Maybe he needs some alone time to reflect.

Title	help
Author	Lumpy-Leg-3906
Upvotes	9
Comments	21
Date	December 29, 2025 2:37 AM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1pya8jm/help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/help.1569929 https://theredarchive.com/post/1569929

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