Starting to second-guess myself, having doubts about decision to divorce

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-09-16T21:35:31+00:00

I'm your same age and was together with my ex for longer than you. You have to overcome your scarcity mindset. You are in your prime and you are the prize. Of course the fear, uncertainty and doubt surrounding divorce is scary. But nearly four years later, it's absolutely the best thing I ever did.

The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last a long time. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership cemented by attraction, affection, respect and love that you enter into to make it easier for both of you get through life together. It’s like you become a team of horses, and you both help pull the wagon, and it’s easier with two than with one. But being yoked in a team with a partner that isn’t pulling is worse than having no partner at all. Sometimes you have to give up on her. Not because you don’t care, but because she doesn’t.

BitcoinBoffin · 2021-09-16T21:29:38+00:00

You just need to build out your solitude. I'm so busy nowadays with things I enjoy doing each day I don't have any time to think about how miserable married life was.

pharmd718 · 2021-09-16T22:57:16+00:00

I’m your age and at least me time felt the same. I also have small kids in the equation so it was very hard. At first I tried to make things work but the two years before my divorce I was absolutely miserable. Now 3 years post divorce, I am so happy I pulled the trigger. I can’t imagine living with her again. The disrespect and disdain not to mention gaslighting and mental abuse was just to great. I am much happier now and have no problem finding women to date. Kids are doing great as well. It’s a scary step to take, but the only regret I have is that I should have never tried to save it and done it sooner

HelixFish · 2021-09-16T21:24:51+00:00

You’ve burned 20 years being unhappy. Give yourself a chance to be happy. If you’re separated you should try dating. Not to find a new partner, but to see if you can date and re-learn how to do this. Separation exists for this and other reasons. Don’t sit on your ass, get a therapist, sort out your emotions, and see what getting divorced will actually mean to you.

cschoonmaker · 2021-09-16T23:11:01+00:00

I (49M, soon to be 50) was together with my Ex for 24 years, 19 of them married. What you're feeling is something I believe most guys go through. There is an innate fear of being alone for the rest of your life when you're deciding to pull the trigger or not. But you cannot let that fear rule your life. You have to be honest when deciding whether or not you are happier with her, or happier without her. Is it possible that you will be alone for the rest of your life? Yes. Unlike some others, I have been separated/divorced since 2012, I have had exactly 0 dates and 0 interest in that time. I was fearful that I would spend the rest of my life alone, and it appears to be coming true. However I have made peace with it because I know that I am better and happier without her than I was with her at the end. If my future holds being alone until I die, so be it. I am not closed off to the possibility of finding someone. But I am also no longer afraid of NOT finding someone to the point where I would "settle".

pegleg_legal · 2021-09-17T02:14:56+00:00

If you both find yourselves terribly unhappy, you can always get married again. In the meantime, come visit me in Bangkok.

overarmur · 2021-09-17T03:58:53+00:00

I think these thoughts are VERY NORMAL. So don't feel bad about that. Most, if not all of us have been there. Who wouldn't want to go back to that carefree time in their life when all these problems didn't exist? Except that's a fantasy land. The problems are there and they need to be dealt with. Speaking for myself, I ignored the problems for years. Many, many years in fact.

Your future if up to you. You can either move forward or not. Is your future better with this other person? If you're on this sub, I'm guessing not, but nobody can say for sure except for you. I wish you the best of luck.

RStonePT · 2021-09-17T13:05:56+00:00

The solution is to have the self awareness to know what you did to contribute to the situation and fix it. Then you don't have to worry about doing the same thing with the next girl

Jbr74 · 2021-09-17T14:10:03+00:00

2 years ago I was in the same boat. I thought my life was over was married 22 years.

Fast forward to today, it was the best thing that ever happened to me, I'm actually truly happy. I didn't even realize I wasn't unhappy until I compare right now vs when I was with my ex.

My biggest regret was not initiating it myself years ago.

revlim1 · 2021-09-16T22:46:35+00:00

A separation is a loss so your feelings are natural. Reality is that being alone is going to be hard for a while. Dating may seem daunting at first. If you weren't happy most of the time I think that's your answer. I mean do you see your unhappiness changing if you were to stay together? It's also common for people to go through an idealization phase after a break up. So maybe initially you feel good about it or maybe you feel sad for a bit then good. But then you start thinking back and you only think about the good stuff or you down play all the bad things about the relationship and you end up creating a false memory of it in your mind that doesn't represent the reality of the thing. I wish my therapist would have pointed that out to me before I decided to get back together with my ex. I don't know if I would have listened but I'm definitely seeing the reality of that phenomenon and the consequences now. Create your happiness no matter what your situation.

Title	Starting to second-guess myself, having doubts about decision to divorce
Author	disjt
Upvotes	6
Comments	21
Date	September 16, 2021 9:18 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ppmd89/starting_to_secondguess_myself_having_doubts/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/starting-to-second-guess-myself-having-doubts.1076049 https://theredarchive.com/post/1076049

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