Ask him upfront what he values?

sourcircus · 2021-10-28T15:51:52+00:00

Never get too caught up with words. I know men who lie with a straight face. He could easily be throwing out whatever he thinks you want to hear as well.

Actions will tell you who he truly is… CONSISTENT action

MissouriBlue · 2021-10-28T18:06:10+00:00

I’ve had men fake entire relationships, what makes you think he’s going to speak the truth to you about an interview question?

He won’t.

Actions speak louder than words.

Watch him. Closely.

LevelUpWoman · 2021-10-28T16:26:18+00:00

Men usually know how to say the “right things”. I think asking them about their values is futile. You’re better off observing their actions and seeing if they’re consistent.

dkwantsdk · 2021-10-28T17:36:32+00:00

I think a better tactic would be to identify what you value and what is important that a partner values and then write out how those values show up in action. Ultimately it doesn't matter what his values are by themselves but how his values and actions show up for you!

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-10-28T19:02:50+00:00

He's just going to lie.

We need to see actions. Words are nothing.

shockingupdate · 2021-10-28T20:59:21+00:00

He could tell you he's a "family man" but need you to remind him to call his mom; shit-talk you to his parents; avoid any and all conversations about marriage, children, or the future. He could say he values health and fitness on the first date but once you're with him he always pick soda over water; won't go to the gym; overeats daily; or only seems to care about counting your calories.

Nah. Ask him what he values and he'll tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear. His values, like anyone's, will be reflected in his actions.

pureFLsugar · 2021-10-28T15:22:32+00:00

I mean you can ask. Who knows if he’s going to tell the truth though. IMO it’s better to watch him. Vett him. See if what he says lines up with what he does.

dancedancedance7 · 2021-10-28T17:13:15+00:00

Doesn't matter what they say, there are no shortcuts for vetting. Keep your eyes open and go slow, and analyze what they do. Bounce the second it doesn't feel right for your values.

Defiant_Marsupial123 · 2021-10-28T20:01:00+00:00

If you are a woman, 90% of things that come from a male mouth in the context of a relationship will be lies, with the other 10% being useless shit that he's only throwing out there in order to excuse himself from doing stuff for you.

Male words to women they are with are less than useful, and if you ask him what he's looking for, not only are you admitting you can't read him, you're also letting him know you'll happily and gratefully accept lies.

This is mostly for big-ticket items and life goals. "Did you cheat?" "Do you want to settle down?" "Do you perform domestic labor?"

Don't ask. Just find out.

This is how college girlfriends always find themselves empty-handed after doing coursework for TWO students instead of just their own.

plomerst · 2021-10-28T22:00:41+00:00

Am I off in thinking the type of man that would be able to provide the “best” answer to such questions are narcissists?

aquietsword · 2021-10-28T19:42:08+00:00

Ask up front and THEN ALSO watch what he does. He can say the right things and he can do the right things, but if those are two different things then I'd feel like he's just throwing "good boyfriend bahvior" against a wall to see what sticks. He should know what matters to him and his actions should follow through on that.

gingerandlime · 2021-10-28T19:46:03+00:00

Even if he’s self aware enough to know his actual values, it’s better to observe and get to know what they mean in practice than to ask him and then interpret what he means so you can see if how he lives his values is a fit for you.

It also kind of sounds like you’re wanting to know what he values in other people outside himself, like in you? There’s no question that’s going to break through and find out “are you the kind of person who’s going to disrespect and devalue me in a relationship in the future” unfortunately. Observing how he is with family and friends will probably be more important and helpful.

missisabelarcher · 2021-10-29T05:58:45+00:00

Many men know enough to say the "right things." Like other people say here, you have to look at consistent action, or even inaction, as the case may be. How he spends time, energy, money and resources says a lot about what his true values are. You can ask, but then pay very close and sustained attention to what he really does.

I also want to add: this is why boundaries and opinions are key from the beginning, because I have found the fastest way people tell on themselves is when they are confronted with obstacles and conflict that keep them from getting their way, even in the smallest level. Not saying to be difficult or argumentative, but remain calm, confident and steadfast in your timeline, preferences, standards and ideas. Listen to their arguments with that same calmness but stay firm and consistent with your own code. How they respond reveals a lot about who they truly are.

PixiesGem · 2021-10-29T15:00:35+00:00

The best way to tell if a man is lying is to watch to see if his mouth is moving. His words mean nothing at all so asking him something is just an opportunity to lie. We watch what they DO and evaluate their actions to see what they value.

asoww · 2021-10-29T06:53:19+00:00

In my opinion nah His consistent actions/patterns will show his real values and that never lies

Title	Ask him upfront what he values?
Author	ready2leav
Upvotes	166
Comments	18
Date	October 28, 2021 3:11 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qhp7b5/ask_him_upfront_what_he_values/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/ask-him-upfront-what-he-values.1081336 https://theredarchive.com/post/1081336

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