Is anyone else sick to death of seeing it constantly repeated that male domestic violence goes unreported, because men are ashamed to admit to being victimized by a woman? Like every single time I ever see an acknowledgement of male victims, it's punctuated by some form of this framing.

I think not only is it wrong, but it's seriously damaging.

It funnels the issue down the toxic masculinity trap. Where the conclusion is that it's men's own fault for being insecure about their gender performativity, and the way to make things better is to teach us that it's ok to show weakness and emotion and to need help.

But from personal experience, that was zero factor in why I was trapped in an abusive relationship for 20 years. I didn't seek help first and foremost, because I couldn't stomach the idea of risking her getting primary custody of the kids and essentially abandoning them to an abusive mother. Second, because there were no resources available to me to seek help from.

But the thing that needs to be talked about most, I think, is because I sensed the empathy gap early on. I saw other guys get arrested for defending themselves. I found myself surrounded by 5 cop cars almost instantly when my abuser threw a temper tantrum in a parking lot. I noticed how much more power she had compared to mine over how our relationship was perceived by people. She could get other people to direct scorn at me in a heartbeat. I noticed how she could be openly abusive towards me in public and get zero reaction, yet people would react if my behavior didn't remain perfectly gentlemanly. Even if doing so in the most exemplary non-aggressive manner imaginable while she was being openly unreasonable and destructive, I was more likely than her to face criticism for not bending to her will to put an end to the conflict. I watched a guy get socially crucified when his abusive wife used a fake suicide attempt to prevent him from leaving, and then posted about it on Facebook. In 20 years, only once did anyone actually tell me that I was in an abusive situation and they were concerned for me. I desperately wanted to seek help and pour out my soul to anyone willing to listen. But I knew that the likely outcome was that would be twisted against me, and result in my punishment.

And when I see well-meaning attempts at raising awareness about male-victims always punctuated with "most men are too ashamed to report their abuse", it bothers me so much. Like at least they're willing to believe data over ideology, but still not taken the step to *actually listen* to the real experiences of abused men.

Anybody else? Just felt an overwhelming need to vent about this.