Withdrawing attention is covert and my wife called me out on it

TheKingGray · 2015-11-12T23:49:02+00:00

Women are like children - they'll use whatever tactic gets them the most attention.

Don't feed into her bullshit. If conversation with my wife isn't constructive, informative or entertaining, I'm doing something else. I'm not punishing her; I'm protecting my time. My time is limited, valuable, and it will not be wasted. Treat your time, and your wife, accordingly.

NotABibleScholar · 2015-11-13T03:28:08+00:00

Woman are covert communicators, you are speaking her language. Also, why do you care if she calls you out? At some point you have to reach a stage where you stop being afraid of your wife.

itstartstoday123 · 2015-11-12T23:51:15+00:00

So?

She should know, that's the point.

itstartstoday123 · 2015-11-13T00:49:10+00:00

This is part of the push pull dynamic. She pushes your needs away so you pull your availability to meet hers.

Now that she knows it's not covert. Keep using AA now that she knows.

[deleted] · 2015-11-13T16:36:08+00:00

I don't like when I steal I go to jail.

Negative outcomes in response to my negative choices suck.

If my wife is nasty, I remove myself from the nastiness. It's not about punishing her. Her solipsistic worldview only allows her to see it that way. Semantically it's about me removing myself from the presence of an unpleasant person. It could be her, it could be a barking dog. I have better ways to spend the time.

If anyone wants me around, be pleasant, being a wife doesn't get you out of this requirement. Especially when I married you thinking you were someone who I was going to enjoy hanging out with TILL DEATH WE PARTED (or at least most of the time).

alphabeta49 · 2015-11-12T23:26:57+00:00

Edit: TL,DR: Be your own judge.

wife was being too much of a bitch and I went into my IDGAF attitude

Great, you didn't add value to someone who was leeching value.

she doesn’t like that I punish her by not talking to her

But... wait... you let her tell you she felt punished? And you believed her? So, not really IDGAF huh? Were you punishing her? No? Then you have nothing to worry about.

she came to make up but said that... [etc.]

Ah, the old "I'm going to apologize but I want you to apologize too so I don't look weak" trick. And you saved yourself only by a thread. I'm curious how that AA went.

I am still withdrawing attention and she knows it

So the fuck what? You're scared of your wife, dude. You're scared that she doesn't like what you do. And you're too scared to take your balls out of her purse.

Withdrawing attention isn't punishment. Its a simple consequence. You need to care less about what she thinks of your actions and work on judging them by your own standards. You weren't butthurt and know you didn't come across butthurt? Then you're in the clear. Don't let her fucking decide for you whether or not your actions are appropriate. She feels punished? "Aw babe, that's cute. Next time I'll get you a doghouse."

Are you confident enough in yourself to say that to her? No? Then you know what you need to work on.

Turning_The_Corner · 2015-11-13T03:01:21+00:00

Your therapist was an idiot. And you are confusing covert with "she won't notice".

Of course she noticed. Women speak covert fluently and when you used this tactic she went OVERT to shame you back to your beta ways.

Right response is to play dumb and say you've been busy. If she misbehaves, you go back to withdrawing attention and never speak of it.

It's the language of power. Women speak it natively, so do alpha males. You, me, and most of the guys here had to learn it.

mrprm · 2015-11-13T17:55:35+00:00

Yesterday, my wife was being too much of a bitch and I went into my IDGAF attitude. I know for a fact I didn’t act butt-hurt.

This really stood out to me. The idea is that IDGAF should be our default stance and not something we "[go] into". If you are only demonstrating that you DGAF when she is pissing you off, that will come across as butt hurt and sulky.

SexistFlyingPig · 2015-11-13T21:42:03+00:00

Don't think of it as punishment. Think of it as consequence.

You have people you like spending time with. You have good conversations about interesting things. Their ideas spur new ideas of your own. You seek out their company.

Your wife chooses to be a bitch. She chooses to shit all over you and not respect you. You respond by spending less time with her, giving her less attention.

Does that help?

BluepillProfessor · 2015-11-13T02:24:58+00:00

I suggest withdrawing your time and attention for the extreme (but very common) case of repeated sexual denial.

Nowhere do I suggest withdrawing time and attention if your woman is being a bitch. There may be a time for that, but not usually! You may withdraw time and attention for violating a boundary, but not just for being a bitch and raging.

If a woman is being a raging bitch the best thing to do is let her rage. If she is being a raging bitch to you, then you might nuke it and tell her calmly:

"Hey, you don't speak to me in that tone. Try again."

If she continues raging that is fine, try to be supportive- but if she continues to direct the rage at you after you have calmly nuked it THAT is when you withdraw your time and attention- AFTER you have overtly tried to control the situation and AFTER she has refused and AFTER she continues to rail against you. At that point it is nothing more than 'verbal abuse' and you are not obligated to take it any more.

You see you are not withdrawing time and attention for her being a bitch but because you established a clear, objectively reasonable boundary. You MAY and probably should withdraw time and attention for violating your clear boundary.

The problem with /u/alphabeta49 and his point above about acta non verba is that...you have to set the boundary verbally. Note that boundary setting is different than engaging in an argument.

[deleted] · 2015-11-12T23:59:05+00:00

I think it's your perspective. There is nothing covert when you take a toy away from a child who is misbehaving, it's to correct the behavior.

When you withdraw your attention (the toy) from the misbehaving child (your wife) it's to punish bad behavior and ultimately for the behavior to be corrected so the child (wife) can get the toy back (you).

Nothing covert as you don't expect shit. She can or cannot fix her behavior, either way you are content with giving your attention to something that deserves it.

zo34 · 2015-11-12T23:22:32+00:00

Instead of IDGAF and silence, call her on her bad attitude, tell her you're not going to stick around if she's going to act that way and then find something to do, like the laundry, or lifting weights, or reading.

1) Let her know that her demeanor is pushing you away.

2) Set a clear verbal boundary when you do this I'm going somewhere else because I don't want to deal with it

3) Hold the boundary firmly if she's being combative, otherwise be willing to talk about the boundary and what might make it more effective (so she can more easily recognize what it is she is doing, and why you are reacting the way you are).

[edit: for OP's further benefit]

Do NOT do this if any of the following apply:

1) You cannot control your emotional state and/or your tone.

2) You expect your wife to do anything other than laugh in your face when you tell her.

3) You think you'll have to say this a second or third time for it to sink in.

4) You've already told her things like this before (no matter your emotional/mental state at the time).

If any of these apply you need to STFU and GTFO when she's acting like a bitch.

[/edit]

BluepillProfessor · 2015-11-13T02:37:44+00:00

Let me also point out I know exactly what you mean by the covert being made overt. My wife was coupling her sexual denials with "I don't want you to be mad at me can I do you tomorrow instead" within weeks. Now that is overt.

[deleted] · 2015-11-13T16:32:27+00:00

OP : She interpreted your behavior based on what she would do

She would "ignore" you as a method of punishment.

To be effective withdrawal should not be sudden, but natural.
It can also be a transition where you withdraw faster / further as you get better at it.

She FELT punished? Oh good, you are speaking her language.

"I don't like that you punished me!"

"Oh, ok, come here I can help you like it " (wink grin)

"No Babe, Im serious!"

Grin

"Me too" slap and walk away.

Title	Withdrawing attention is covert and my wife called me out on it
Author	Turning_The_Corner
Upvotes	4
Comments	69
Date	November 12, 2015 11:15 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/3sleyr/withdrawing_attention_is_covert_and_my_wife/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/withdrawing-attention-is-covert-and-my-wife-called.200722 https://theredarchive.com/post/200722

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