It is midnight and I'm a friend's house putting together a puzzle. My friend loves puzzles. He loves puzzles so much that when he finished his last puzzle and discovered that one piece was missing, he bought the same exact puzzle and decided to put it together from scratch. I'm at his house and I'm encouraging this madness because one of his friends is cute and also likes puzzles.

By midnight I have enough. I try to muster me a bar-squad, but I utterly fail. Puzzles are the new sex, they say. Puzzles are awesome. Puzzles beat socializing. Finally, I get it. I haven't been to a bar in nearly a month. It is clear that me and my friends have different ideas of a good time.

So I make a goodbye round, spin out the door, and start walking to the nearest bar. It is a half-hour walk. I have no idea what I will do when I arrive, but I have to go before I start seeing puzzles in my sleep.

I arrive at the bar and am promptly bounced by Boris Hugechest. I am told that I will be able to enter in ten minutes, but I do not believe this. Three guys next to me are trying jedi mindtricks on Boris. They shake their hands so that he will remember them. They make him repeat "I'll let you enter in ten minutes," and then they run before he can decimate them.

What the hell. I follow the dudes and ask them about other nearby bars. They assure me that due to their jedi maneuvers there is no need to find another bar. I make smalltalk and then introduce myself to a girl waiting nearby. We talk for a little bit - she was inside but got bored so she came outside. Eventually I run out of topic for conversation. I continue standing there and she walks away.

At this time, two guys approach me and ask me if I knew the girl who just ditched me. "No," I say. I don't understand their interest. They introduce themselves as Tom and Mike. We talk about what they are doing in life, what I am doing, etc. Mike tells me I have massive balls for coming to a bar alone. "Yeah, the biggest," I say with a laugh.

Tom comes up with a plot for entering the bar: the three of us approach a group of girls who were previously inside and are soon pressing our arms against their arms until the bar's stamp is transferred to our skin.

"Hey, you can let go now." I say to the random girl who is lending me a stamp, despite the fact that I'm actually holding her arm to mine. "Really, you can let go," I tease. She laughs and gives me a great smile. But my new friends are already walking towards the entrance, I release her arm and go after them.

God's sense of humor is evidenced by Boris' willingness to let us enter without a single glance at our arms, faces, or IDs. It is only once we enter that I realize what Tom and Mike think of me.

"Show us your magic," Mike says.

"My magic?" I ask.

"You know, go pick up a girl and show me how you do it," says Mike.

I don't understand where this is coming from. I haven't been laid in a year. I barely ever go to bars. I haven't shown any real pickup skills. I am convinced for a second that Mike is making fun of me for my failure outside, but he is so sincere that I must conclude he is serious.

"Alright," I say. "Lets get some drinks and then we'll try." Tom and Mike inform me they are driving. I get a drink and then we begin.

Tom points to a table of all girls. I introduce myself and receive a cold, cold, reception. The girls have no interest in talking. They reluctantly give their names but offer no more than that. I push at conversation for a few minutes, but eventually I leave.

"That was awesome," Mike says.

"No it wasn't," I retort. I point out that Tom started a conversation with a lone girl and she is entering her number into his phone, but Mike is still more impressed with me. I have no idea why. Frankly, I envy Tom.

Mike looks uncomfortable for a minute and then he admits that he is a virgin and it really bothers him. Mike is really a nice guy and he thinks I'm God, so I decide to dedicate my night to helping him. They say the best way to learn is to teach, so why not go for it.

I give Mike a few tips and send him to a mixed set. He returns thirty seconds later informing me that one of the girls has a boyfriend.

"How the fuck did that even come up? You haven't even spoken for thirty seconds!"

I point to another table and tell Mike to start by talking to the guys this time. "Make the girls wonder why you're not speaking to them," I say. "Get them anxious. Get them wondering why a hot dude is ignoring them." Mike nods and is off instantly. Again, it takes no more than 15 seconds for Mike to approach and leave the table. He is discouraged. I am impressed by his bravery in the face of the harsh and insurmountable rejection that he is convinced he encounters every time he talks to woman. I tell him as much and give him a few more tips. I approach another set and make some progress with the guys, but again the girls are very very cold.

I return to Tom and Mike who are sitting at a table across from some girl. There is no contact between the two sides of the table. I sit on the table and talk to Tom and Mike for a few minutes. Eventually I look at the girl. She is cute. Really cute. I introduce myself and we immediately hit off. I pull up a chair next to her. We talk about life and science and art and every other topic I am passionate about. I decide to be direct. I ask her if she has a boyfriend. She informs me that she does. I talk to her for a little bit longer and then go to help Mike with another set. He does poorly, but he is certainly performing better than before. I'm exhausted so I wish everyone a good night and head home.

I contemplate on my walk home. I'm frustrated that I haven't closed, but feel good that I was able to help Mike. I'm not sure whether I did something wrong with the cold girls or whether I just got unlucky. My last set could have led to a date had the girl been single.

I fall asleep wondering if bars are just horrible places to meet woman. I wake up without an answer and post this to reddit.