Are men treated better than women? A trans man's perspective.

Aaod · 2020-07-13T02:30:03+00:00

I don't ask for help much anymore, especially when it comes to my mental health. Whenever I do ask for help, people are less enthusiastic about helping me. And I've also noticed that the quality of help I receive has decreased. I find that it's harder to talk to people. They just don't seem as comfortable around me anymore nor does it seem that they trust me nearly as much. it's hard to make friends compared to a couple of years ago.

I have posted my horrifying experiences seeking help as a man whether it was from a therapist or girlfriends here before and a lot of people have similar experiences. I notice the friend thing as well I don't know ANY women who struggle to make friends even the most toxic personalities can easily find friends, but men? They struggle a lot more.

People just treat me neutrally and sometimes even negatively. I noticed strangers are more wary around me. Nothing like pulling their kids closer or clutching their purses tighter, but they stay farther away and don't make as much eye contact (not that I mind, but I'm sure many people would).

Out of curiosity are you short for a man? I notice a lot of FTM trans people are short which I suspect this could be why you experience this less so than a lot of guys due to appearing less threatening.

It was a very jarring experience. I went from being treated how a person should be treated (trusted, listened to, supported, etc.) To being treated like, well, a man.

The way I put it is women are human beings men are not they are human doers and you MIGHT only get some semblance of similar treatment if you can provide stuff for other people such as support, physical strength, or giving them money. If something threatens that such as a disability or needing emotional help or getting laid off? They no longer view you as human.

OneBadBoi · 2020-07-13T03:06:03+00:00

Lol girlfriends, so many women keep bitching about bs "emotional labour", lol more proof "women are empathic and compassionate" is pure bullshit maybe some women are but they are not the norm.

NotAStupidAnswer · 2020-07-13T03:05:21+00:00

Ex-MtF here, have you read this? https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/local/wp/2018/07/20/feature/crossing-the-divide-do-men-really-have-it-easier-these-transgender-guys-found-the-truth-was-more-complex/

"Ex" because it honestly fucking disgusted me how differently I was treated after coming out. I was one of the lucky trans people who was accepted by pretty much everyone in my social circle, but it bothered me that women I'd known my whole life and had never expressed any interest in a close friendship suddenly wanted me to be intimately involved in their lives. That women I'd just met wanted to befriend and get to know me in a way I'd never experienced as a man. I cut off contact with those people I realized I didn't want to be friends with - let alone transition for - bigots who only liked me because I'd been willing to renounce my masculinity.

Because I have been reduced to my appearance — to the way I present for my own well-being — by cisfeminists so often that I feel a fucked up Stockholm syndrome attachment to being misgendered, and to this dual identity. My dysmorphia is as entwined in my identity as anything else. I have lived with it for decades as a girl pretending to be a boy. And the nearer I get to something I’ve wanted my whole life, the more it feels like playing into the aesthetic politics of a group of people who reject me because of the associations they have with my body—a body which I cannot, ultimately, change very much. These people who will only be comfortable when I dilute those associations with femme signifiers.

As if maybe, by simply being what I am—a girl-feeling brain in a boy-looking body and boy-looking clothes—I might burn down something very important to them. Something that makes their life more comfortable and easy.

I can’t transition for me, though I dearly wish I could. Nothing I could do would alleviate more of my old problems than it would cause new. And I certainly won’t transition for them, to sort neatly into their system of what a woman looks like.

Because I didn’t get to decide what I am. I will be thoroughly damned if anyone else does.

https://medium.com/@jencoates/i-am-a-transwoman-i-am-in-the-closet-i-am-not-coming-out-4c2dd1907e42

Blauwpetje · 2020-07-13T09:48:13+00:00

I went from being treated how a person should be treated (trusted, listened to, supported, etc.) To being treated like, well, a man.

Quivers down the backbone.

GoingForwardIn2018 · 2020-07-13T05:44:04+00:00

I have a friend in a similar situation as you, and I tried to explain how things would be different if they transitioned, as they were questioning at the time. I didn't present it as a warning moreso as an FYI, but they didn't believe me.

Now they are very upset that the world treats them the way men are treated. So far they are still with us but my messages don't even get looked at until a week or so later, they are seeing a therapist but Coronavirus isn't helping either.

Good luck and I hope your social circle grows and includes good people :)

2020-07-13T03:43:34+00:00

Anyway thanks for sharing your experience, this is why i left conservatives i prefer to share spaces with trans people instead of man haters, conservatives are too inclusive with terfs.

skier69 · 2020-07-13T07:21:45+00:00

I am also a transsexual man but I transitioned after 30. My experience has been somewhat similar to yours except maybe fewer negative experiences post transition. I never experienced any sexism despite being around plenty of working class people and being downtown alone. Before transitioning I even worked a factory job in an all-male company and was always very respected and I didn’t get treated any differently from the guys there. I did date quite a bit but all of my boyfriends were very kind and respectful. Certainly not all of my dates were amazing but none of them ever abused me, objectified me or took advantage of me.

Of course abuse happens, and I have nothing but compassion for women who are abused, but I really think a lot of women are raised to be fearful when it’s actually a lot safer than they think, at least in the majority of developed countries.

Talik1978 · 2020-07-13T13:33:32+00:00

What you are speaking about is known as the empathy gap. Society doesn't empathize with men nearly as much. It doesn't respond to male requests for empathy nearly as positively. Ironically, society then places the blame on men when they don't reach out as much.

I am not sure advance warning would have really helped you, or changed anything. I mean, the information's out there. It's just dismissed in the mainstream as men being misandrist. Further, transitioning is so much more core to someone's identity than how one is treated. Societal treatment of men really takes a back seat to one's sense of gender integrity, I would imagine.

SsoulBlade · 2020-07-13T03:39:02+00:00

Check out Nora Vincent or her book.

https://youtu.be/zWkgCEPFmXo

GrandMasterB19 · 2020-07-15T01:18:58+00:00

So first thing to keep in mind is that when you are a man, nobody really cares. There's no special treatment because you are more or less invisible and expected to take care of yourself. I have no idea where the feminist types get all this hooplah about men receiving special treatment...

I'm not judging you, but part of the reason people are reluctant to help you or socialize with you is because you transitioned. Most people are deathly afraid of saying the wrong thing that might accidentally offend a transgendered person. They assume they're walking on thin ice by interacting with you because they don't want to risk getting in trouble. Many people will stereotype you as a loose cannon.

ThatQueerWerewolf · 2020-07-13T11:14:34+00:00

Fellow transsexual here, also transitioned pretty much as soon as I reached adulthood and have been living as male for 7+ years. I had more negatives than you did when living as female, but I wouldn't say I have fewer negatives as a man.

I now feel the need to play as mediator and to remind everyone that neither gender has it objectively harder. Men and women are two sides of the same coin. Both have privileges, both have disadvantages, and the bottom line is that gender roles negatively affect all of us.

Causal_Calamity · 2020-08-02T16:53:21+00:00

Welcome to the brotherhood of suffering

Neveah_Hope_Dreams · 2020-07-13T04:51:01+00:00

Wow. This is really interesting.

When it comes to 'the bad' with being a male, are you able to distinguish if the bad treatment is because you are a man or because you are transgender? Because being transgender you will be more likely to come across discrimination and bullies and not being treated well. But what you've discribed with people staying away from you and being awkward with talking about your mental health is similar to what some men deal with here.

I would like to say to you that it's really important that you are open and ask people for help when you really need it. I understand it will seem awkward being that you are a guy and "Guys don't ask for help. Be A mAn" but it's still important. Screw what people think, your mental health and stuff you go through with life is important.

Thank you for sharing with us! Really interesting and opening insight!

You should share this to other appropriate subs!

sportsdude523 · 2020-08-02T17:52:53+00:00

I'd like to hear your take: now that you've seen relationships from both sides of the coin, what would you relationship advice be since you get how both genders feel?

and to clarify, which gender/genders have you been interested in dating before and after transition?

bot_reporter · 2020-09-03T00:32:43+00:00

Just wait until you experience the bliss of the gender role when you really get treated as a 'success object' and are looked at only as a paycheck and expendable. The issues above you mentioned, while true, are miner by comparison. You've been able to dodge the more serious ones that uniquely affect men like:

Paternity fraud (you will never experience the sheer oppression of this let alone have to fear it)

Not having any say whatsoever as to whether or not your child gets killed or lives by the woman you're with

Selective service (you won't ever have to register for the draft and have to know the unique male role of being literal canon fodder compared to women)

Being in a 'man' field of work where your life is put in danger every day like construction or any other type of manual labour where you shoulder 93% of workplace injuries compared to women.

Having a woman intentionally stop taking her birth control pills and lying to you purely to trap you financially. (this has happened to me and is/should be a constant fear for any man)

The worst one you will know is having to pay for everything and maybe getting royally f'd in a divorce depending on your income.

There are real 'man' problems. That's a few of the ones off the top of my head that go to the very core of my every day experience (save manual labour). Great to call attention to these issues, I wish it were harder hitting and more relevant to the actual gender role.

Griffin1102 · 2020-07-13T03:21:43+00:00

"I'll just more and worse misandry, especially as I progress in my transition and become even more masculine."

No offense but is like 4 years to pass, 2 years trans males still look female, i know this cause i have seen it, ur lucky you started young, most transmen who transition in ther thirties or older do not pass and transwomen have to do too much shit to pass and non-binary people cannot pass cause no one looks non-binary.

Title	Are men treated better than women? A trans man's perspective.
Author	Griffin1102
Upvotes	241
Comments	100
Date	July 13, 2020 1:55 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates/comments/hq6mq2/are_men_treated_better_than_women_a_trans_mans/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates/are-men-treated-better-than-women-a-trans-mans.1063135 https://theredarchive.com/post/1063135

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