My husband wants me to be a SAHM and us to become more traditional

BunnyOk9 · 2021-10-19T18:51:01+00:00

RPW is a toolbox to improve yourself and your relationships, not a strict set of rules. You can pick up some actions and mindsets more than others and it will still improve your relationships.

If the idea of a RP relationship is enticing to him, then that's great and you two should communicate what you think those changes might look like. It's important to meet each other's needs. Something like the man feeling emasculated will deteriorate a marriage over time.

But, at the same time, your current dynamic was how the relationship was when you both entered into the marriage. It would be unfair for him to expect a total change in your relationship dynamic overnight. Relationships change over time, but a dramatic change all at once might be a unfair expectation.

Magicallypeanut · 2021-10-19T19:18:30+00:00

Compromise and communication are the most important things in a relationship. It is also important to take this transition slowly and truly consider all the things that go with it.

Have him write out what his perfect red pill relationship looks like. Leave nothing out. Give every single detail. Then you read the list and take as much time as you need to research, learn, and consider it all.

Make a yes for sure, maybe in time, and hell no not ever list. Rank the stuff you want to start (if any) as number one through....also don't be afraid to alter his suggestions. He might want dresses 100% of the time but that might not be practical so you negotiate pants on these occasions only.

If you get his list and you don't like any of it then be ready to explain why and what, if anything, he can do to work on it.

SunshineSundress · 2021-10-19T19:02:58+00:00

One of my all-time favorite posts here is “Doormat vs. Deference”. It highlights the difference between all of your fears of the extremities of submitting vs. being a cooperative partner in a male-led relationship. Perhaps this may be helpful for you to understand why your husband wants this, in a less polarizing way.

No post, certainly not any post by our Endorsed Contributors, encourages women to “build their entire lives just about him”. However, we do recognize that relationships take actual work on our ends. It is not enough, especially not for a long-term relationship, for us just to look feminine and have lady parts. Check out The Axioms of RPW: this is the most accurate portrayal of what RPW is really about.

I think you should keep an open mind and hear your husband out. He’s told you that he sometimes feels emasculated by you. That is relationship poison, and this is something that should be addressed with care and sincerity. Keep an open mind and check out Fascinating Womanhood for his sake - hell, you can even discuss it chapter by chapter with him and let him know where you agree/disagree and why! We even have a book club that’s discussed Fascinating Womanhood.

At the end of the day, you do not have to do ANYTHING you don’t want to, but if you care about your relationship, at least hear your husband out. You are more likely to be able to discuss and compromise on whether or not you want to be a SAHM or what deference looks like in your household if he feels like he is heard and cared for and respected.

zino193 · 2021-10-20T06:34:41+00:00

Just a reminder - Men are horrible communicators.

When he asked it might have come on to be blunt and demanding. Think of it as him saying: I think this would make us stronger - and reenforce the best in us and help us bring out the best in each other.

When he said - he felt emasculated - think of it as him saying: I did not feel like I had your trust when you said that - and it brough up a lot of internal doubt. It really shook me, as I though your trust in my ability to <lead/provide/satisfy/... whatever trait the situation required of him> was unshakable. Without it, I find it hard to know where I stand in your heart, and that anxiety makes me keep my distance.

Praexology · 2021-10-19T19:29:43+00:00

He also says that he has been thinking and he found the red pill online and he feels like he likes this and wants our relationship to be more like that.

So not only did he break rule 1 "Don't talk about fightclub" he also told his wife about it.

and I can't imagine doing all of the things he wants and just 'submitting to his leadership on everything.

This is what happens when a guy sees what he wants in his wife, but isn't doing the work to get there. The reason you're having trouble here is because you're likely justified in not relying on him and trusting his leadership. To test if this is the case, answer these questions:

Do you trust his judgement more than your own? Historically, has his judgement proven more right than yours?

He says he knows this is what he wants and he wants me to become like that or else he can't see how our marriage can continue.

Which outcome is more bearable to you? Divorce, or compliance?

uniq0rn_qlitter · 2021-10-19T21:53:12+00:00

What do you want OP? I see his point. Being a SAHM has a lot of benefits for your children and your family. But also it’s also very demanding work and without help can cause depression, feelings of isolation, and burnout. Do you have any help, like family, who can help you a couple of days a week? If not, you have to weigh the pros and cons and communicate them to him. In the past, women had whole villages and communities to help them raise children, in today’s society it’s completely different so he has to consider that as well. I understand your fears as well. Being a first time parent comes with a lot of unknowns and worries. As a parent of two (almost 3) I can tell you that as long as you’re worrying, you’re doing the best you can. Take some time to be with your baby, this time is precious. It’s ok to not be perfect and ask for help. Raising a child today takes a lot of teamwork. I genuinely think he wants what’s best for you and your child, but moms usually take on a lot of pressure to do everything “right” and that can be so tough, especially in those early days. Take the time to decide together what’s best for the both of you, and ask him to listen to you and understand your feelings because PPD is a real thing that can affect many women. It’s even more common today with all the pressure put on us as parents, in every aspect. My advice is take the time to see how you feel after the baby is born. Definitely take at least 6 months to bond with your baby and ask for help and use it when available. Then reassess and communicate, while doing your best to understand him, his ideas, and letting him lead you all in the best direction.

rosiemagyver · 2021-10-20T02:28:31+00:00

If it is any consolation, I have been married for four decades and in the last 6 months my husband turned on a dime into a man who was a stranger to me. Brought on by a health issue, grief from losing his father, and new challenges as the only man left in his immediate family, his personality changed and I emotionally felt like a punching bag for awhile. At the same time I recognized that in his effort to manage everything, and still not back to his full health, he had morphed into a impatient, critical know it all.

All of this left me confused, defeated and angry. It took a little while for me to kick start the energy to keep trying to maintain the status quo for our marriage, and also fight for my happiness as well as his. I asked him what he wanted in the future and what he wanted right now. To be honest, what was revealed in those answers was pretty devastating. I am still working through this.

The point I am trying to make is this: Give yourself time to process what is happening in terms of his new expectations. Do not just agree to him without thinking through all the aspects of the decision. At the same time try and figure out the real reasons for his discontent. It is easy for a man to claim disrespect if he does not give you concrete examples. Call him on this. Ask him specific examples of when you were disrespectful. Some of them may surprise you and be so easy to resolve.

softrevolution_ · 2021-10-19T22:22:51+00:00

With regards to Fascinating Womanhood -- don't just read the book, go find Helen Andelin's daughter Dixie on YouTube and subscribe to her! She's fabulous, and you may find the advice to be simple and sensible the same way I did. FW isn't a guide on how to be a doormat at all. It's just a way to look at things differently. Like any set of tools, you take what will work for you and leave the rest behind.

girlwithasidecar · 2021-10-19T22:46:39+00:00

I have to ask, are you here with an open mind? If your husband, who you love and have a child with, cannot sell his needs to you then I'm not sure why he thinks internet strangers would be.

I don't know how to say this gently and without sounding like a bitch but it's not intended that way. I see you pushing back in the comments and you have a lot of hesitation. The hesitation over something new is reasonable. I just get the impression that you are here to say you did it rather than because you genuinely want to be.

He listed some basic complaints. Maybe it would be easier to ask for help navigating those than trying to implement a lifestyle that was never intended to be a lifestyle.

SecretFeminine · 2021-10-19T19:47:27+00:00

"I found this thing online that dramatically changes the foundation of our relationship and I want you to do it or else."

That's how it read to me and I don't think that is reasonable or fair. Maybe take 10 steps back with him to figure out the underlying causes. And maybe it is as simple as you being delighted to see him when he comes home and bringing questions not solutions.

Did he say anything about how he feels you emasculated him? Lack of respect (or perception of it) will tear down even the best of relationships.

buzzlightyearling · 2021-10-19T23:33:27+00:00

I can’t think of anything more beta than a man coming to me and complaining about how I’ve emasculated him. If I’m being honest, you seem like a very reasonable, healthy partner especially if you’ve decided to come here and learn more and make an effort. I’d ask him how you’ve emasculated him in the past so you’re aware of it, and can be more conscious in the future. Mutual respect is paramount for every relationship. As for coming to you with this now, this is completely manipulative. You’ve set the entire foundation of your relationship. You have just given birth and have a 5 month old. You are now a family and it’s expected that both of you will do more to ensure the other is happy and make the relationship work. To wait until you’re in this position of vulnerability to pose this extreme change is intentional and manipulative. He hasn’t even bothered to tell you what elements of red pill he wants to emulate. Just lazily threw a book at you, told you to change or the relationship won’t work and ask you to quit your job? Telling someone to quit their job is another manipulation. It takes away a freedom of yours that gives you independence and relevance in the world beyond your family. Being a SAHM is a woman’s choice, not their partners. Definitely a joint decision. I’d sit and have a serious conversation with your partner about what his expectations are. I’d talk to him about your concerns with the way he’s gone about bringing this up as well.

D0cH0lidey · 2021-10-20T00:52:50+00:00

There is nothing wrong with traditional roles. Feminism has taught us that being a stay at home wife is less of a job, I would say it is more important to raise kids than to work a job. I work two jobs so my wife can be SAHM. I may lead our relationship but she runs the house, she is my partner and I get her input everyday. This is not a chance to "boss the wife around" I work hard and so does she. We are a team.

Think if you were a baby, would you want to be daycare where you aren't loved or at home with the mother that loves you at all times. We would all choose a stay at home mom if we could. It is a blessing to stay at home with your kids.

Teacup000 · 2021-10-21T14:35:25+00:00

Statistically, men would rather feel respected than loved, and vice versa for women. (There's a book on this called Love and Respect). If he says he feels emasculated, this means he feels his most important and most basic relationship need is not being met. You may really love him and feel like you're doing great at showing it, but you're essentially feeding him when he's dying of thirst. I doubt he's over exaggerating when he says he can't continue like this.

The problem with an equal partnership is that when you both disagree, someone is still going to get their way. Showing deference doesn't mean you don't get an opinion, as a good leader will take that into account, but it does mean that when you come to a stalemate, you're the first to say "okay, let's try it your way and see how it goes". That doesn't mean you don't reevaluate and reassess if things aren't working out - that's still necessary. I find the benefit of acting this way is avoiding long, drawn out arguments. No one is beaten down or feels like words need to change their mind, you go right into the testing phase.

I just read an article the other day about how there are no benefits provided by daycare for children under two, just negatives. This does change as they get older. BUT a depressed momma is gonna be worse. If staying home isn't for you, it's not for you. You can't force that. https://criticalscience.medium.com/on-the-science-of-daycare-4d1ab4c2efb4

This is all going to come down to how willing you are to adapt to the changes your partner is saying they need. I'm sure there's room for compromise - you don't need to change in all the ways he's suggesting overnight or ever, but it sounds like you are going to need to evaluate how much your marriage is worth to you.

rosiemagyver · 2021-10-19T21:18:56+00:00

He also wants me to be a SAHM now and not go back to work. Tbh I feel like just being a SAHM would be quite boring.

Becoming a full time SAHM might make you absolutely miserable. Some women are better wives and mothers when they are working. Perhaps you could start by cutting back to part time and she how you like it. Also, your husband is used to your income covering half the bills. Will he be able to provide you with the money you will need?

LateralThinker13 · 2021-10-22T14:04:14+00:00

Secrets of Fascinating Womanhood is actually a very good book. You should read it. Aside from dated language and some religious wording, it's a very solid book for anybody.

Also, you may have some misconceptions about what RPW/submission means. It doesn't mean "pampering him". It means lifting him up and appreciating him.

Give it a read.

http://fascinatingwomanhood.co.nz/downloads/fascinating-womanhood-book.pdf

whydoesthishapp3n · 2021-10-24T02:47:17+00:00

there’s no such thing as being emasculated because masculinity is a social construct. and why would you want something that’s so easily threatened by i don’t know a woman having autonomy? your husband seems like an abuser in the making.

mpampistheplumber69 · 2021-10-29T07:34:40+00:00

Based man. He is a keeper. You first have to decide what you want to do. But let's be true here. A sahm is the foundation for a healthy family. Society has make us believe that a woman who stays at home, with kids, doing chores is considered to be an old fashioned, traditionalist "evil"way for a woman to live. But that's all wrong. We have been given so much freedoms, in work,love life etc but we earn nothing from these. No quality life, no decent life. Only broken homes, kids separated from their parents, parents always fighting, kids seeking the attention their parents never gave the so they end up doing shitty stuff to themselves etc. Being a sahm is your ticket to raise your little ones with more love, care and attention than what you'd do if you were busy under the submission of a boss who tires you physically and mentally. You'll be relaxed, doing chores at your own pace, be a master of your own house and life, learning new skills and activities, you'll have time for yourself, raise your kids with love and devotion making them good people, be there for your husband, talking, having the time to help each other. You'll lead a healthy family life without knowing it. I tell you, i have been through a feminist phase, through a phase I believed women shall prioritise their jobs than anything else, a phase that I believe women should be equal to men(later I understood that we're meant to complete each other not to do the same things). I've met moms who were working and had other women raise their kids for them, my mom is a working woman and we had so little time with her as well when we were kids and teenagers. And it didn't go well. Now as a traditionalist supporter having seen the other side of the coin as well. I'm telling you sahm is a bigger and more important value

YogurtWolf · 2021-11-04T23:15:16+00:00

First of all, your husband should’ve gotten a good sense of what you’re like after five years together, but now suddenly he wants you to change. Second of all, why did he decide to have a child with you if your marriage is so uncertain? He wants to divorce over feeling emasculated, something he should’ve brought up earlier. Divorcing for such matters seems very un-traditional to me.

You should question his way of traditional life before you commit to it yourself.

Title	My husband wants me to be a SAHM and us to become more traditional
Author	Miac4
Upvotes	45
Comments	34
Date	October 19, 2021 6:07 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/qbh7h2/my_husband_wants_me_to_be_a_sahm_and_us_to_become/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/my-husband-wants-me-to-be-a-sahm-and-us-to-become.1078606 https://theredarchive.com/post/1078606

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