Could use people's positive vibes and encouragement today.

No_Committee8461 · 2021-10-25T13:02:28+00:00

I'm in the same position except 2 months instead of 3. Recently discovered my wife is with the person I suspected she was cheating with, they kissed in front of me on purpose to hurt me. It's the worst nightmare I could imagine and im living it, and stuck with it in a sense because we have a kid together.

But I did get a bit of inspiration out of it after the intense anger/depression subsided last night. I thought "this is my worst nightmare. If i can make it out of my worst nightmare, i can do anything." So even though I'm still in the nightmare, I believe I can make it out, and once i do I can say with pride that I can overcome anything.

Grey_Bear_40 · 2021-10-25T14:36:54+00:00

I am 1 week and 1 month out. 6 days after my wife left she met a guy on Tinder and they are now serious enough that 3 weeks later he was on her car insurance. I packed everything I could fit in my car and moved out of state. I've signed up at the gym here, downloaded headspace (it's worth every penny), and focus as much as possible on the here and now. I've started reading "The Power of Now" and rereading "The Fifth Agreement." While hokey, I personally love them.

I've lived the married life long enough to be a domesticated adult and my flatmate is a total bachelor. I cried my first night here as I only had a twin bed with my queen sheets over it, and lamented on the life I've lost. The next morning I cried at being overwhelmed by how much of a bachelor pad I was in, so I drove to the store, reorganized the kitchen and my room/bathroom and the place feels a little better (I can see the counter and there is more than just Ramen noodles in the pantry).

I am an atheist who was raised christian, so when I explain the following, just note the symbolism: when Jesus learned that his fate was to be crucified, the bible says he turned with his "face like a flint" and went to Jerusalem (I'm paraphrasing). In other words, the flint was used as a the head of an arrow. So in this scripture, it's saying like an arrow, he pointed his face to his destiny and was loosed - to where there would be no stopping - until he arrived.
Much the same way, appreciate the past and what it means to you, but point your face forward, to whatever your destiny and future holds, and go. Walk only forward to your destination. Face like a flint, my friend. We will do this together!

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-10-25T15:11:11+00:00

Men are the true romantics, intrinsically putting women first even in the face of imminent death. Women love opportunistically. Women don't love you for who you are, they love you for the purpose you serve: protection, provisioning and parental investment. Your worth in her eyes increases or decreases with what you’ve done for her lately. Women can achieve a level of indifference that’s foreign to most men’s idealistic concept of love.

The same area of the brain that processes romantic love is also stimulated during cocaine use. It's going to take you a while to detox yourself from the sudden loss of dopamine. You can mitigate the withdrawal (ie, your depression) similar to how methadone works -- replace the addiction with something else that allows you to wean yourself from the original addiction. It's one of many reasons you hear men tell other men to "hit the gym", listen to loud music or get a runner's high to trigger dopamine. You're effectively creating a new habit -- rewiring your brain to not be dependent on her -- which on average takes 66 days to become "sticky".

It's also helpful to come to terms with your lifelong feminine conditioning: Be a "nice guy", "just be yourself", "testosterone is poison", "masculinity is a flaw", "communicate more", "do more chores around the house and I'll fuck you". You've been misled about your entire life about female behavior, and it's sending your brain into a tailspin.
Start with the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy", and pay attention to the covert contracts you've no doubtedly employed while married. Once you've digested that, then move on to "The Rational Male".

BlackmesaTBX · 2021-10-25T14:43:07+00:00

Not sure what kind of encouragement you’re willing to hear in this state but a.) I’ve been through this and came out the other side 1000% better, more authentic, integral man and you will too and b.) IMO the only way to get through it is through the hard work of getting through it. What that means for different men can be different, but once you’re ready to truly move on, spend the time learning the true nature of human relationship dynamics and how to be an authentic man - not this fairytale societal version of “happy wife happy life” and “relationships are about 50/50 compromise” or that there’s such a thing as “forever love”. All of that is bullshit and the more you learn and can think logically, you can come to a place of power in understanding. You get to forge new boundaries, navigate red flags, etc. from this place.

Once you’re through the hurt and ready to actually heal through decisive action, it’s all about taking this new opportunity of freedom as the blessing it is. You get to take extreme amounts of responsibility (NOT the same as self blame, shame, or guilt). And you want to do this because again, the practical, logical truth is people are fallible and you can never change another person, their behaviors, their truth, their actions (nor should you want to)- but you can change you. You get to take the power back that you relinquished to this other person, the happiness and expectation you delegated to someone else. And through practicing this mindset day to day, you’ll get stronger and more equanimous about all of this. But the longer you choose to suffer, and it IS a choice, the longer it takes to heal and grow.

fewdo · 2021-10-25T13:18:41+00:00

You put in the effort which is a credit to you. It's okay that she changed away from you. You can feel however you want about what happened. You can miss the good stuff and be happy that you don't have to deal with her issues.

You have a past. That shit's not changing. What will you do next? What's the next chapter in your story?

sicrm · 2021-10-25T14:27:45+00:00

you have plenty of time to build the life you want.

build a support system and focus on being strong enough to say no when she’s reaches out again.

playerknowmore · 2021-10-25T20:32:17+00:00

Normally when I read a post like yours I try to find a witty way to get OP to do what they already know has to be done. For some reason with your post an audition from British XFactor popped in my head. It was a young man singing Labyrinth's "Jealous". I think it was the only time I seen Simon cry.

I am over twenty years older than you so my break up song was "I Keep Forgetting" by the Doobie Brothers. I took my heart break song and listened to it before I had to focus on my life. It was like I was mourning my break up through music. After a while the song became a treat I gave myself before I was forced to focus. Because in the military there was no time to be distracted. Find your song that mourns your relationship; wallow in pity for the length of the song, and then force yourself to focus.

Eventually the song will replace her in your head space. Right now she is renting unlimited storage in your brain for free; you need to find a way of evicting her out of that place. I hope someday soon you won't need that song, and a happy song can take it's place. Good luck.

No_more_BPD_2020 · 2021-10-25T21:00:51+00:00

They say time heals all wounds. I can tell you it certainly helped me. There really is a light at the end of the tunnel.

rockhoppernostopper · 2021-10-25T16:35:51+00:00

I also spent a few months where it sounds like you are now. Specifically in terms of anger, depression, and anxiety. It was like I'd wake up and wonder "well, which of the three am I today?" and I'd just bounce from bad emotion to bad emotion.

While it might not be your sort of thing, a friend of mine turned me onto meditation. At his recommendation I downloaded the Insight Timer app. It helped me tremendously with the anger and anxiety which in turn led to a decrease in my overall depressive state.

Best wishes to you OP!

patently_pleasant · 2021-10-25T18:50:00+00:00

Sending good vibes your way! I am 11 months from the separation now and 9 months divorced. I still feel the sting of being cheated on. I spent years during the engagement and the short marriage trying to keep it all together.

It takes a LONG time to heal, especially when there is trauma like that. Take your time and give yourself permission to take things slowly and grieve. It is tough when they move on so fast (during the marriage!), but that’s on them and it reflects their character. You go at your own speed and do the things you love. Work on yourself. I still get flashbacks to married life today, good and bad. Don’t get down on yourself for feeling this way after only three months. It’s a very human response and we all go through it.

You got this, brother. Keep on putting in all the hard work to better yourself and move on from a bad situation.

Micro_Peanuts · 2021-10-25T20:03:25+00:00

Hey man, it definitely gets easier. It just takes time. Yeah, it's miserable at the moment, but that doesn't mean very good moments won't also be coming your way during this hard time, so really treasure them. Also, the things you're learning during this will become extremely valuable to you later, to the point where you're almost glad you went through these things. And by the way, you'll be really glad later you did all you could to save the marriage, it will save you a lot of "what if / if only" thoughts later and help you be at peace with your part in what happened. And I'll say that my life today (I'm single) is way better than my life was while married. The trauma of what I went through in my divorce and custody battles caused me to really question a lot of my views of marriage, relationships, and even society, and I started researching what had happened to me, and why a lot of things didn't add up. I found the answers I was looking for and things make A LOT more sense now. I'd recommend these resources to you but they're a bit controversial. I'd just say, do some googleing/duckduckgoing for your questions with an open mind and you'll eventually stumble on some good information. I hope that you'll learn and grow and hopefully won't have to go through something like this again. Best of luck brother.

Caeolian · 2021-10-25T23:48:54+00:00

Keep going. Life gets better. You'll meet new people and you will make better memories and moments. Don't let heartbreak rob you of that gift.

symolan · 2021-10-26T12:35:18+00:00

With me it took about 8-9 months to get out of the immediate crisis and the rollercoaster. Still not completely through 2 yrs later, but so much better.

Hang in there. It will get better, slowly. And be nixe to yourself. It is indeed a mindblowing experience and you have the right to the rollercoaster.

Title	Could use people's positive vibes and encouragement today.
Author	Dodzer89
Upvotes	24
Comments	37
Date	October 25, 2021 12:34 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/qffpqe/could_use_peoples_positive_vibes_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/could-use-peoples-positive-vibes-and-encouragement.1081930 https://theredarchive.com/post/1081930

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