I need help out of this headspace.

PokePrincess95 · 2021-10-22T23:48:03+00:00

It’s ok to want revenge. It’s ok to be angry, it’s ok to be furious, and it’s ok to want him to experience just an ounce of the pain he put you through, but trust me because I have acted on these urges, he will use every word against you. He will twist your words and paint you out to be crazy or evil or pathetic or all 3. You are none of those things. You went no contact so he has no power over you. Keep it that way. Trust me the anger never fades, but it’s never worth letting any man have power over you. Be strong sister

Keepers12345 · 2021-10-23T00:05:44+00:00

First of all, feel your feelings.

It's okay to feel the way that you do. Betrayal is a major trauma.

You have a right to feeling how you feel right now. Feelings change. Right now, it sounds like you want to change your thoughts to change your feelings.

What helped me when I found out all of the lies and betrayals was talking to my therapist, going to support group meetings (because he was an addict, and OMG, I learned how F-in lucky I was to find out and break up, rather than get married), and ultimately, realizing that I dodged a major bullet.

He is avoiding his issues by burying them and marrying someone else.

Remind yourself that this isn't going to be a happily ever after.

Without you, those wedding plans and ideas won't ever live up to your vision.

All the work that you did up to now is still valuable!

You will get through this. You will transfer those life experiences and memories into healthy channels because you're growing through this time. You're bettering yourself.

I wrote down a lot of my thoughts, and talked them out in safe places. In that support group (Al-Anon), I received a lot of sweet private messages, such as "you deserve better!" and "it happened to me too."

Hearing someone else tell me that I deserve better helped me see beyond my present moment.

You deserve better.

You really do. <3

Allow yourself the space to feel what you need to feel. No need to punish yourself for normal thoughts.

Since this energy and rightful anger is strong, maybe you can find a way to channel these emotions? After crying and crying, and talking through the pain, I ended up finding a Meetup activity, which helped me connect with nature and the present moment.

Be kind to yourself. <3

You're doing great.

----------------------------

ALSO: In HS, my boyfriend at the time cheated on me for more than a year with someone who literally copied my clothing and hair style. I didn't even put it together, but a friend commented on how every time I colored my hair, she'd end up dying hers a similar color (like from brunette to red, red to blonde, etc.). After finding out about the cheating, and reflecting on it years later, I realized that it wasn't anything that I did. She may have been super insecure (likely?) too. She could never be me. It was sad all around. Anyway, point is that he's the problem. She's going along with it, but she's already setting herself up for pain. It's normal to feel how you do.

---

You will get through this.

For me, it helps to slow down and focus on getting through today, even if it's hour by hour.

Putting your thoughts and feelings here is wise.

We're here for you <3

apommom · 2021-10-23T00:16:25+00:00

Unfortunately he will cheat on her too. It’s out of your hands. Only thing left to do it be grateful that this person is no longer in your life, what happens with him now doesn’t matter. YOU matter. Maybe seek therapy if it all feels like too much

ChickaDeeD33 · 2021-10-23T00:02:08+00:00

I think it is perfectly normal to feel this way. You had your dreams and expectations ripped from you and given to someone else, of course you are angry and feeling vengeful!

However, you are definitely right in blocking, deleting and ignoring, it isn't worth your time and effort to involve yourself in whatever they have going on. Let them have their day that you planned. Let him live life with YOU 2.0 because he can't have the real thing (I find it funny and kind of sad when they do that). As much as you might want to interfere, either real life will catch up with them and she will find out who he really is on the inside, or they will live in blissful ignorance forever and you won't have to be bothered by it.

For the meantime, you still have these feelings. This betrayal. And the salt in the wound of taking the day that was meant to be yours and tarnishing it with putting the knock-off version of a bride up as the figurehead. You deserve to be angry! And these urges are a representation of that. While you might not want to go through with them, there might be other options: you could write out what you wish you could tell her about the guy she's about to chain to her leg, you could make up a screenplay of what you would do to ruin the wedding, you could set up a fake wedding with teddies and trash it, or just buy a fancy bouquet and cake and beat the crap out of them!!!

Give that energy somewhere to go, and then you can let go of it. Much love and lots of hugs. 💕

preppykat3 · 2021-10-23T00:22:33+00:00

Be grateful that this happened before your marriage and saved you a ton of heartache. Imagine being married to a cheater 🤮

jingks_ · 2021-10-23T00:57:43+00:00

Men like this are incapable of healthy relationships. He’ll put up a facade on social media that they’re soooo happy and that their wedding was beautiful, etc etc. Probably some of this is an ongoing ploy to fuck with your head, especially since they stole your ideas! Stay clear though, so you don’t give him that power and let him take up precious real estate in your mind. It’s all rather extreme and pathetic if you think about it. But he will likely find himself alone in the end, unless some poor woman takes pity on him. Luckily that woman won’t be you.

peaches88888 · 2021-10-23T00:04:25+00:00

The revenge will fall in to place naturally when his bad karma kicks in. Until then don’t waste your precious energy. Invest it in to something creative and productive. Be unbothered <3

Constant-Wanderer · 2021-10-23T01:01:46+00:00

It’s important to understand that these thoughts are normal, and also that they don’t mean anything. It’s fine that you’re having these urges, as long as you don’t feel compelled to follow through with them (which you obviously don’t!).

Just ride the thoughts out, they’ll diminish and pass with time, and with you not assigning too much importance to them.

Jandi18 · 2021-10-23T00:09:44+00:00

Girl you really dodged a bomb! You can warn the new girl out of genuine kindness but she might not listen and that’s okay, she will figure it out later.

Your ex is lazy and a leech. He can’t be myself so he needed to get a replacement to use. Do not waste your time thinking about this scrote…he is a useless waste of space. Find a new hobby to distract yourself. You already did the hard part by getting rid of him and blocking. Enjoy your life darling ❤️

Owl-right · 2021-10-23T02:09:11+00:00

Girllll I am in the same boat as you. My ex fiance cheated on me (although with trailer trash) and if I can give you any advice it is DONT stoop to their level. You are better than that. Let the relationship play out. They are not as happy as you think and you can't build a long lasting relationship on lies and deceit. Trust me, if she was willing to take in a cheater she is not on your level. Take comfort in the fact that 80% of relationships fail and the likelihood of theirs succeeding is low. The same issues you had they will also have PLUS no proper foundation. If you want to vent, please message me.

fg_hj · 2021-10-22T23:44:50+00:00

You could warn her but it should be out of genuine compassion for her and women in general, not as a form of revenge.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2021-10-23T03:05:05+00:00

Guarantee he is already cheating on this woman. I'm different from the other comments in that I think you should tell her.

This woman is about to make a huge mistake. I'm all about the sisterhood and destroying LV disgusting cheating men.

Do you have any screenshots or other evidence you can send her? Even if he tells her you're crazy and blah,blah, blah, it puts the seed of doubt in her mind. Hopefully that's enough for her to investigate.

Title	I need help out of this headspace.
Author	roseinfullbloom
Upvotes	77
Comments	21
Date	October 22, 2021 11:32 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qdt2in/i_need_help_out_of_this_headspace/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-need-help-out-of-this-headspace.1082365 https://theredarchive.com/post/1082365

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