This one is obvious, but sometimes it’s hard to see if you don’t hold him responsible for his choices: An important part of vetting is to closely examine the people or environments he exposes you to.

This is one of my lessons learned during my first LTR. I’ll be the first to say that it sucks to cut important people out of your life due to how much pain they put you through, because it’s hard to prioritize your own well-being if they mean a lot to you. This is especially hard for those of us who come from difficult backgrounds.

However, I no longer let people like that be around me. One of the reasons I made this decision is because I realized I was letting that energy affect my other relationships. My loved ones don’t deserve that.

So now, I am able to leave a man if he exposes me to a bad vibe. I don’t care where it comes from- toxic potential in-laws, messy/incestuous friend groups, or a toxic workplace. These things that surround a relationship are called exosystems, and it’s scientifically guaranteed to affect you.

One of the ways the insidious toxicity of these bad relationships manifested was in racist environments that my ex exposed me to. So many weddings with people from his fraternity (the recent post about frats drives my point home). We’d be doing random things with his friends, like playing board games, and I felt uncomfortable so many times. I would never date a man with low-key racist or homophobic friends again. Doesn’t matter if he goes to every protest with me and agrees with every point. He is his friends. He is his environment.

Just thought I’d give some scientific credibility to this concept! Exosystems are important, and it is also his responsibility to manage them. I’m tired of this whole “you don’t choose your family” or “it’s just his friend from college” narrative. Yes. He. Does. Choose.