recurring comfort test

threekindsoflucky · 2021-12-31T16:31:54+00:00

Leaving this one up as there are some decent comments. Should be /r/askMRP material and you should all be rule 11'd but it's a new year, new me.

PhilosophiaChristi · 2021-12-31T05:46:58+00:00

Do you have answers to those questions? The correct answer to a question like "Why are you with me?" should be some version of: "Because my mission in life is X and you contribute to my mission in ways Y and Z." It doesn't sound like you are dissatisfied with her outside of this, you're not even bringing the kids into it, so this doesn't seem like a really difficult question for you to answer.

I'm going to say that at the most fundamental level you need to understand who you are and what you want out of life. What is your mission? When you insert problems and questions, like those that your wife is asking, into your own self-understanding (which your frame is built upon), you automatically have an answer. You are married to her because she's going to help you get to point B from where you are at point A. "But why did you choose me instead of all those other women???" Irrelevant. She's looking for affirmation and security in asking this, but you can give her those things by assigning her responsibilities to advance your mission. Then your answer can be: "I am choosing you because you make a great First Officer. You do an excellent job at helping me achieve my goals."

This will also help get around whatever trauma she had. You aren't keeping her around because she's a sexual outlet indistinguishable from any other woman, rather she actually contributes something unique to your life.

schmidter7 · 2021-12-31T15:14:52+00:00

Some suggestions:

1.) Don't wait for her to ask. Tell her how she makes you feel. I do this somewhat frequently. For me, this was a big deal. I had a lot of the alpha, but was the relationship desperately needed me to add beta and frequent affection.

2.)when she asks "why are you with me" I don't think she wants a list of logical reasons. You make a list and any number of women can meet the criteria. You are with her for how she makes you feel. Avoid using logic to explain feelings.

Read chapter 21.1 of married man sex life primer. Athol does a great job outlining this conversation. "You have all of these qualities but those are just qualities. I don't know why I love you, I just do." Make it about emotion. Not logic. She makes you feel excited but you don't know why, she just does.

3.) Agree with her. Tell her you love having sex with her and how close and connected you feel when you do. Tell her that every time you make love, your love for her grows. (Athol also explains this and the biology behind it. When we fuck we produce hormones and are actually "making love.") Don't need to tell your wife the biology stuff, but definitely frame your answer with how sex makes you feel and how it brings you closer. I'd avoid telling her that lack of sex is a detriment. You can do that by removing a little time and attention when you get denied.

Just some thoughts. My relationship was in shambles and some of the above helped me pull a 180. Wife and I fuck almost nightly. She craves it. It's like we are in college again. Never thought we'd fall back in love with each other, but we did.

Praexology · 2021-12-31T15:11:42+00:00

You seem to think women are a puzzle that once they are solved they stay solved. They are people, with necessary upkeep, in need of attention, and validation with irrational fears.

Sex isn't the only thing necessary for the upkeep of a woman.

she flat out holds frame and treats me like I just murdered her dog

So be the bad guy, who cares what she says about you? If you don't like her enough to deal with her, then next her. If you're only with her out of an external pressure, you have oneitis or aren't your own origin. Either way you're being stupid.

If I try to get frame back by STFU, it can last weeks,

You mean the silent treatment? I'm going to assume in good faith that you're not just shutting down like a dejected 5 year old because that is outrageously dumb, are you resetting every morning? Or are you walking on eggshells scared of her emotions? Who sets the "feelz tone" for the house, her or you?

It's like you're trying to shoehorn being a "big dicked alpha" into every aspect of your relationship without the common sense to actually look at what's happening between you two in the moment. As if you're competing against her to be the alpha in the house.

BostonBrakeJob · 2021-12-31T14:13:19+00:00

Sounds like she's trapped in the maze. Game will definitely help. So will some leadership.

Also, stop taking her questions so seriously. If she's associating sex with trauma, fog...and by fog I mean talk to her about it like you give a shit about her. It may just be feelz or looking for a reaction from you, or it may be the 100% truth. Either way, that's her shit...not yours.

Hugs and foreheads kisses, man. Keep it simple for awhile.

AcademicDumbass · 2021-12-31T13:10:52+00:00

But if I fail or falter the slightest, holy fuck it goes to full cunt mode.

Because she sees straight through your bullshit facade of having your shit together.

trust me.

ImpatientZen · 2021-12-31T23:41:10+00:00

There's no way around the basics. You lift, which is good, but you lack the mindset bit. Sidebar harder. There's so much about your woman here, and so little about you. What do you want, what are you not getting, what are you doing? But I'm bored, so I'll indulge myself and talk about your woman.

Old trauma, how hard it is for her emotionally, bla bla bla. Who cares. What's it to you? You are a high value dude who can expect high performance, from her or someone else.

If she's invested she'll crawl through broken glass and shit much heavier than just "that one abusive ex" that actually was just alpha chad, who she hamstered away once it ended, and now becomes an excuse because she isn't invested enough to give all her sexuality to you (as she did to him). Believe me. I have a couple of girls who have had the most fucked up past imaginable, yet will enjoy doing quite literally anything I want.

Dudes in comments are on about the Come to Jesus speech or some watered down version. But I don't see snot bubbles and thus not a Main Event. If I were you I'd push the alpha hard, as I figure out what my vision actually is (because you seem to lack it and should have one for you). I like Unchained Man for the Mission exercises in there.

Then when the main event arrives (I would put money on it happening in this case, she seems fairly close) you can reset the relationship. Or when you are ready, you can pre-empt it and command submission(read up on InChargeMan for a good example), if she really has in effect submitted and just needs a frame, as you try to imply.

GhostProtoRed · 2021-12-31T14:14:38+00:00

This is not a place to fix your wife. This is a place to fix yourself and if she's on-bored, fine. If she is not, fine. The stay plan is the same as the go plan.

Run your MAP. Learn game. Quit being in her frame.

And your question should go in askMRP -- not here.

El0vution · 2021-12-31T05:05:24+00:00

Sounds like you’re being too serious with her. Inject a little humor in your answers of her comfort tests. DEERIng is always serious. Try A&Aing more

omured · 2021-12-31T08:30:54+00:00

I would like to know why you are with her.

The other issues seem irrelevant to me until we know this one.

And be honest with your answer, nobody cares.

wildtimes3 · 2022-01-01T16:01:26+00:00

This is my second comment.

I thought about it a little more and I don’t think anybody’s pointed it out. I think you misidentifying these things as comfort tests.

These are just standard shit tests.

You are failing by treating them like comfort tests. DNGAF / It doesn’t matter what you answer. It matters how you answer.

By taking these questions seriously, you are failing the shit test.

I don’t want to tell you to do something that would hurt her, and it depends on your relationship if this would be a good idea at all. But there is a great set up for you on the sex question.

DanubianDelusion · 2021-12-31T07:30:47+00:00

It’s not your chore to fix her feelz.

Gazmatic47 · 2021-12-31T04:21:04+00:00

Start spinning plates

Chard-Far · 2022-01-01T07:47:16+00:00

As in no matter how I try to fix her feelz

When you see this as your dynamics, is it truly no wonder she asks you wtf are you doing with her. And maybe the true answer is "because I need to try and fix you so I can feel safety in this relationship, if only I succeed I can achieve happiness". Which isn't a good answer, but an answer nonetheless.

Maybe she sees that covert contract and resents it. "If only I could fix her I will have my perfect slut wife", so she asks again and again why are you with her?

I think you should reread WOTSM once more, because it seems that you are trying to make your wife's emotions a swimming pool instead of enjoying her ocean's waves.

phil_stein · 2022-01-01T15:41:55+00:00

Dynamic with my exwife was somewhat similar: Things were fine as long as I somehow navigated her 'perfectly' and went to shit fast if I didn't. No amount of frame worked because her issues WERE the frame and much bigger than I could ever be. Both my daughters are now in counselling to sort out how their mothers' issues have screwed them up.

Women aren't a problem to solve. You can be more or less attractive through your actions, but this is about what you get out of her behaviour. I got off on ex-wife's drama and it fed a desire for meaning, and for me to be a 'special' white knight. It was gross and once I didn't want to be that loser anymore, the relationship was over and my life got better.

ClickKlakk · 2022-01-05T04:34:47+00:00

OP I have been through this with many different women. This is a shit test and should be treated as such. It doesn’t matter what you say, it matters how you say it. Even if there is a hint of insecurity that’s motivating her, covert communication is the key. If you enjoy her, show her with a grin and some playfulness.

"why are you with me?" (main one)

“I ask myself the same damn question every day“

As long as you’re being flirtatious then it should escalate positively.

”Am I just sex to you?"

“You’re a pretty good personal chef too.” With a smirk and a slap on the ass.

"you can't actually tell me why you are still with me"

This one sounds like a response to you fumbling the first one. Classic shit test scenarios. You fail, she is disappointed, turned off, repulsed, turns up the heat, makes a frame grab etc.

"I'm not fucking you anymore. go and find other bitches to fuck, I don't care"

This one is an obvious response to you failing the second one. Same situation. Obviously your fault for missing the signals up front. Still, when bitches get bitchy, a silent glare, eye roll, etc is good corrective behavior. Walk away.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever learned around here is When a woman says something stupid that you would rather her not have said, just pretend like she didn’t say it.

I can’t tell you the hundreds (if not thousands) of times I’ve just ignored a woman’s words and continued the interaction or conversation exactly how I wanted to. That’s controlling the frame. I’ve done it with long term relationships and random floozies alike. Shit tests, bitchiness, etc.

The good:

I own and run a gym for men. lifting stats are good, trust me.

You answering your own issues:

My SMV is objectively 1 point higher than her

Which means you two are basically even because women date/marry up.

It could be higher if I had legit game.

But you’re aware that you don’t. So when you fail a shit test, you reveal your lack of game and lose a point. Your SEXUAL MARKET VALUE is dropping. Your RMV may be good, but your SMV isn’t above her anymore. In that moment you’re instantly beneath her. Which is repulsive and weak looking.

I know I need to create abundance

Which is a mindset as much as anything. Without abundance, you freeze when she shit tests. Without abundance you shut down when she tells you to go and find other bitches to fuck. I don’t care.

With abundance you walk away and go find other bitches to fuck. You don’t get mad, or butt hurt, or rattled then reactive. You just don’t have time for that kind of shit and feel confident in your ability to enjoy yourself away from it however you choose.

I have full control of our finances, she even changed what bank account she gets paid into to mine. This all relatively recent (last 6 months) as I have been side barring.

I will tell you from my own personal experience discovering RP while in a relationship, and the experience of others that I have read here; you are changing and you should expect some pushback. She’s giving in to you much more than before and she is going to need to check the foundation and sturdiness of the ground as she takes new steps out on that ledge.

She is definitely my little slut, 75% of the time.

I mean…. It’s not going to be static, or stagnant AND good. She needs to crash into you when you aren’t acting like the fucking leader. You can manage her finances, but you have to manage your interactions with her too. Fucking rule over them with a fun and benevolent disposition. Give the good times and good feels. Answer her dumbass shit questions with the level of seriousness that they deserve. It’s insulting that she would even ask them seriously (I promise she isn’t).

DEVI works

You’re damn right it does.

and I know I have definitely got work to do to keep her comfortable and receptive.

I don’t know bro, lighten up. Just enjoy her and enjoy your life. She will follow and see how silly she is.

She is also very capable of being the sweet, feminine lovely energy that we all love. But if I fail or falter the slightest, holy fuck it goes to full cunt mode.

When you fail a shit test and your SMV drops in her eyes, you get treated like a gross little beta. Don’t fail shit tests. You say that you A&A. But is it fun? (Seriously give me an example of a response or two to those classic tests she keeps throwing at you).

As in no matter how I try to fix her feelz, she flat out holds frame and treats me like I just murdered her dog.

Lol. You just gotta give her a look then walk away. Exception in italics below

If I try to get frame back by STFU, it can last weeks,

Only if you let it last weeks. I would go do something else for a few hours then come back and pretend she never said anything. Resume my happy ass life. She can come be happy with me if she wants.

and she generally comes back but with the ammo of "you didn't even care enough about me to...why are you with me?"

Ignore, rinse, repeat.

There is some old trauma surrounding sex where "I used to think that the only way I could get you to like me was through sex"

“And you better hope it stays that way baby” smirk and a little slap on the ass. Lol.

You hug her and kiss her forehead and show her that you love her regularly. She’s being a bratty little kid, be playful and treat her as such.

coz of pretty fucked previous relationship. I did not know this when we were dating or getting married. Not in detail anyway.

Or she’s seriously fucked up and has abandonment issues (I’ve dealt with this as well). If that’s the case and she gets irrationally mad, I would look for other flags as far as some cluster b personality disorder or inclination. I don’t think that’s the case here but I don’t know how well you vetted her prior to RP knowledge.

how do I show her that that is in fact exactly how she gets me to like her, and that it is not a bad thing (BP/ASD) ?

“And you better hope it stays that way baby” smirk and a little slap on the ass.

I think I'm DEERing too much in explaining how I chose her out of all the others blah blah. But there aren't any others...is this a matter of learning game

Yes. Lol. Saying any of that shit is failing the shit test. That’s why you’re getting the reactions you don’t want. Lighten up, brother. You don’t really need to “learn game” as much as you just need to have some fun playing THE GAME.

She makes the first move in this case with a lil’ shit test. Your move next dictates what game you will be playing. I think it’s a simple correction for you. Best of luck.

Taipanshimshon · 2022-01-09T22:58:22+00:00

What are the actual answers to those questions?

DonnyBomeneddy · 2022-01-19T18:14:06+00:00

She told you to go fuck other bitches, seems pretty clear that's the answer.

WarpathZero · 2021-12-31T13:16:03+00:00

Wait, so I’m a bit confused. Are you telling your wife to go find other “bitches” to fuck? I don’t understand how this is healthy or helpful.

SabreToothedTraps · 2021-12-31T23:54:16+00:00

She has long term deep underlying issues that need addressing. Don't allow her previous trauma to define your relationship.

I'd heavily recommend you find a good therapist for her and pay for her sessions yourself to encourage her to go and sort her problems out.

Title	recurring comfort test
Author	Zealousideal-Cut6282
Upvotes	34
Comments	60
Date	December 31, 2021 4:17 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/rsl5x5/recurring_comfort_test/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/recurring-comfort-test.1089822 https://theredarchive.com/post/1089822

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