Hi all.

My friend (who is taken) and I fell in love shortly after we became friends. We talked about it soon after we caught feelings and decided to cut off contact with each other. He had been with his girlfriend for 9 years at that point, and they own a house and pets together.

The logical thing to do seemed to sever all ties. So we did. Until we didn't. It was only a few texts here and there. Then he told me he had broken up with his girlfriend. Then.. they got back together. He called me to tell me he regretted breaking up with her, and he's terribly sorry for keeping me in the loop on their relationship status before truly figuring it out. I blocked him. I learn a bit later he stayed with his friends for a month after this stunt, to create space between him and his gf.

Basically exactly around the time he moves back into his home, I tell him I miss him. Late at night as I was at a party. He responded that he missed me too. And he was glad I reached out. Cue two months of an emotional affair in which we wrote each other letters (some of which we sent over text, some we were keeping to give each other later), met up three times (pretty serious talks about what being together entailed and what breaking up with his gf entailed - selling the house and deciding who takes the pets, they have mutual friends etc), and called. He usually called me.

In 6 out of those 8 weeks, he was being reschooled as a teacher. This includes applications, studying, and passing all manner of assessments, all the while working a full-time job as media director at a concert venue. Because of how the first time of breaking up went around, he wanted to wait until his assessments were done. He got his results right before christmas, and celebrated christmas with his gf and their families. He texted me how much he wanted to be with me.

He called me on monday after christmas and said he was breaking up with his gf. I told him rather than tell me, just do it, i want the decision to be made independent of me. He also just wanted to hear my voice.

Last night he calls and says "we should call it quits". I didn't hang up right away, but after asking a few questions and getting cryptic answers I hung up. The phone call lasted 4 minutes.

I had a near psychotic breakdown. I have dealt with mental health issues in the past (C-PTSD) and haven't experienced a fallback like this in many years. I felt like I was going insane. I was.

I am now left wondering whether any of it was real. He told me he went through all the options and talked to all his friends and himself about where this was coming from. Pondering the likelihood of a midlife crisis, unresolved issues, you name it. He said it only finally clicked when he admitted he was in love with me. And he told his girlfriend this too at the time. Why she stayed I do not know.

He loves his girlfriend, they've always had a great relationship. Mutual friends, they organize events. He is 100% an equal partner, though I suspect actually he was carrying more of the emotional labour in the relationhip. I have been pretty ruthless when it comes to dating by the way, and haven't slept with a man in over 2 years. Never in my life have I felt this connected to a person, though, so I did cut him some slack. Leaving everything you know shouldn't be easy, it would have been concerning if it only took him 2 days to uproot their lives. He also wrote me a song on the guitar (math rock) in the time we weren't speaking, which meant so much more to me than his words could at the time.

Alas, clearly I still fucked up. I cannot tell you how low I feel, and it is not a superficial pain. It is very deep, and I feel like it's consuming me inside out.

I have a good job, my own place. I have pets and hobbies and friends. I am generally a whole person. I am so utterly crushed right now that I feel wholly incompetent to upkeep this life I painstakingly built for myself. I called in sick. I feel like quitting everything. My best friend is coming over soon, but tonight I'm hosting my direct family from abroad (two young half sisters) and so I have to put on a brave face. I can't believe this is how I'm entering the new year.

I really need some kind words. I am aware of how convoluted this situation sounds. But it hasn't felt difficult, except for the moments we were separated. It was the same for him (except that, of course, he and his gf were essentially living as roommates for that time).

I know humans are complicated and messed up. I've been hurt by men who are now in perfectly happy and healthy relationships. Bad people can do good things and good people can do bad things. The people who might be considered saints by all can keep getting the short end of the stick. Bullies and narcissists thrive and achieve happiness; however shallow it may seem on the outside. So I don't think of him as a bad person, and thinking of him as an asshole gives me no repreive.

But if you have an analysis of the situation that might help me gain some perspective, some love, your own story to share - please do. I need to be tethered to reality, and currently, I'm drifting between emotional outbursts and complete dissociation.

Thank you for reading.