Advice for Moving In with a Boyfriend

Vmchik · 2021-12-28T22:16:10+00:00

This question is answered in the FDS handbook thoroughly. FDS does not believe in moving in with boyfriends before marriage or engagement. Your situation is even more precarious because you can’t afford to live alone as it is so he has an upper hand if the mask slips. I advise you read the handbook thoroughly and really reconsider moving in with your boyfriend through all the advice this thread has given you.

Tharwaum · 2021-12-28T20:00:37+00:00

Is the reason to move in to save money? Who will keep the place if you break up? Will you be moving out in the event of a breakup, into a higher rent place because rents go up yearly in your city? How will you feel if you live together for 2 years and break up? Just some questions to ask yourself. It doesn’t have to be a negative thing if you turn him down. He can find a way to make things work. Maybe (an example)he’ll find a slightly larger place with a roommate and it will still be a great place for you two to spend time because he’ll choose a good place and good roommate. I promise you, men like to step up when you enforce boundaries and you don’t have to make it negative. Don’t apologize if you say no, and also don’t insult him (plan your words first if necessary.) then see how he takes your perfectly polite and reasonable « rejection »/decision in your own self interest.

ivesynthed · 2021-12-28T21:59:41+00:00

Historically, women have moved out of their parents’ homes when they find a male romantic partner. This was the only option, since women didn’t have much autonomy or resources. However, things are different now and we have way more options. This isn’t your only chance to leave the home. I would recommend that every single person (male or female) live on their OWN before living with a partner. And yes, this goes for roommates too. The most growth you can do as an individual is in a space of your own.

Among so many of the other points mentioned, when you move into another person’s home, they will ALWAYS have the upper hand and it will always be THEIR space. If you’re going to move in with someone, it should be a neutral space.

A year is too soon to move in, or enough time to properly vet someone. Escaping your parents is one of the worst reasons to move in with a man because he will always hold it over you and see himself as your savior. There is absolutely no way this can go right.

I know this seems like the best and most logical option at the moment. Trust me, I’ve been there. But think in the long term. Most relationships don’t work out, think about how bad of a situation it would be if things went south and you had to leave. Would you go back to your parent’s? That just doesn’t seem worth it to me.

otter_bott · 2021-12-28T19:41:45+00:00

Suggestion: Remove the “desperately want to escape parents” from the equation - pretend you already live on your own. Would you still want to move in with him? And, do you think it would be beneficial / would you like to live on your own before marriage? And, do you love him?

abby_ch238 · 2021-12-28T20:19:00+00:00

Echoing /u/tikitikitaka-chalala’s comment that it sounds like you may be in an age gap relationship or definitely one where he has more power, and also that it sounds like you may be wanting to get out of your parents house more than actually moving in. I would agree with her comment that if that’s the case you should really strive to achieve financial independence first rather than move in with him, however if you are dead set on moving in despite these advice, then I will say please have an exit strategy. If you are going to get into a situation where there is a power imbalance then have a plan to get out so he can’t hold it over you should things ever change with him. For example once you move in with him and things go south can you easily move back in with parents? Can you afford to live on your own if you can’t go back to your parents, etc

capresesalad1985 · 2021-12-28T20:55:10+00:00

Ok so not to be a total creeper but I took a look at your post/comment history to get a better idea of the situation. It makes me nervous you would be moving in with him to get away from narc parents. Growing up with narcs is going to make you more vulnerable to a narc relationship. It also seems like there is a big power imbalance since you are still working in school and he seems to be in his career, even if there isn’t an age gap. I would really focus on moving out on your own first. I worry that you will move in with him to get out of a crappy situation, only to get stuck in another crappy situation. And then you won’t have the finances to get out. Work on getting established first because your man should KNOW you don’t need him. Right now he knows you need him for a roof and finances.

Otherwise_Arrival235 · 2021-12-28T21:18:09+00:00

Do not move in with him. Focus on getting your career straight and being able to afford your own apartment, or move in with roommates.

Shot_Presence_8382 · 2021-12-28T20:09:16+00:00

Advice for moving in with a boyfriend: DON'T DO IT⚠️

vitryolic · 2021-12-28T20:44:38+00:00

You have no legal/financial protection if you move in with a man pre-marriage, and you’re effectively giving him financial power over you as you’re moving into his place to escape your parents. FDS doesn’t encourage women to move in with boyfriends ever- that’s the FDS view.

By all means move into your own place to get the independence you want. But moving in together especially to his place will be a recipe for disaster, as it’ll always be his place and his preferences will usually come first along with that. Spend that rent money on yourself on your own place, rather than depending on him for something so important as your house.

TikiTikiTata-chalala · 2021-12-28T19:43:31+00:00

Moving in together without a ring is forever girlfriend land. You say you don't want to get married for a few years, so he has an excuse to not propose. Statistically relationships that cohabitate before marriage/engagement are dead on arrival. If you do this, it will hurt the likelihood of marrying him, and if you don't care about marrying him- why do you want to date/live with him?

You currently live with your parents yea? You sound eager to move out of your parents house, and if you want to you should move out- on your own. Live by yourself, establish your financial independence. Financial independence is the first and foremost strategy of FDS. Because you always need to have your career, savings, and assets to fall back on- one of those assets is a place/house/condo/apartment (or the ability to have a place/buy/rent) to go when you need to leave.

ETA: op you've said you're desperate to get out of your current living situation- that means that your reasons to move in with your bf aren't coming from a place of strength. And that is dangerous- and that is why I think you should not live with him- live on your own

Own_Strength314 · 2021-12-28T19:46:18+00:00

FDS advice from the book on moving in:

"Don't do it, sis! You're not auditioning to be his wife, it's a waste of your time moving in, you're cutting off your options, you're giving up your privacy and independence, it's a nightmare to move out and you lose power."

melympia · 2021-12-28T19:44:19+00:00

The way you describe your relationship (him being well established in his profession and you living with your parents) makes it sound like an age-gap relationship... The impression might be wrong, but that's how it came across. In which case you better be very, very careful...

That being said, considering he's cleaner than you and a better cook than you is something you need to keep an eye out for. Will he eventually demand you keep things up to his standards, even though they are not your standards? Or does he maybe have someone else to keep things clean for him, eg "outsourcing" the labor?

However, I once have been told that you'll never completely know someone unless you live together, so there's that. Which, IMHO, means that living together for a while is a prerequesite before seriously talking marriage.

thewetdog_ · 2021-12-30T03:17:22+00:00

If you’re desperate to leave your parents now (but for whatever reason can’t move out alone and this guy is your exit), imagine living with a guy who makes you more or equally miserable as your parents, and having to suffer until you can’t take it anymore and then run back to your parents.

If i were you I’d focus my energies in moving out on my own and being independent.

Fear and desperation is the worse combination possible to move in with a man.

You are certain to live to regret it. A HVM wouldn’t be okay shacking up indefinitely unless you were already taken engaged.

Shacking up is shacking up and you will eventually lose equal standing and he will have all the leverage. Especially if he knows you hate living with your parents.

Unless your parents are actively abusing you to intolerable levels that put you at risk to the point you can’t stick it out for another 6 or 12 months to get your ducks in a row to move out, then you are going from bad to worse. Do you know the saying “better the devil you know”?

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Title	Advice for Moving In with a Boyfriend
Author	ussr_ftw
Upvotes	79
Comments	18
Date	December 28, 2021 7:29 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rqnkfk/advice_for_moving_in_with_a_boyfriend/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/advice-for-moving-in-with-a-boyfriend.1090213 https://theredarchive.com/post/1090213

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