OYS history

I am on a two-week MRP ban because people with eyes better than mine saw a lot of "she" in my last OYS. I read and re-read before posting, and I thought I was recounting events with me as the actor. These two weeks have shown me they were right, and I see it now.

I have slipped back into old habits big time - or perhaps I never moved away from them really. A train wreck. I need help get to back on track.

Here's where I am.

There are two main aspects in which I believe I progressed since starting OYS. First, I am much less afraid of shit being thrown at me. I address bad behavior much sooner. The quality of these interventions is still likely poor. Second, I am much more focused on me. I took back my life, my mission, my agenda, and - in fact - my family's agenda as well. In these two weeks, I lost again ground on the second part at least.

I can regulate my kids' emotions, but not my wife's. She talks to them with a scolding tone 80% of the times, and has been bitchy and nervous for more than two weeks now. I have addressed this explicitly with her several times in these days, but I am obviously not doing it well. I even let myself be dragged into a shouting argument over the phone up 24 minutes before a semi-public speaking event. I go again to sleep late, don't sleep much, and haven't lifted in two weeks. The whole damn thing.

In the only evening she was outside, the kids and I had an amazing time. It was liberating.

It's the first time I've seriously considered ending the relationship.

I have better things to do than appeasing this shit. I have zero interest in sex with her, and I've withdrawn from her physically. She has withdrawn from me emotionally. It looks like I am in the grinding stage of escaping sex for validation, except I don't feel any interest in a path forward. I wanted to spend a few days together around Christmas time, but I lost all the appetite for it. I feel again a lot of anger. I have gone back to the wiki posts and seeing them more in perspective now.

I know this is my fault. I let myself suck back into all of this. I know what I have to do: lift, read, stfu. I'm posting just in case people see something more. Or perhaps this is just a giant victim puke and I'm telling myself otherwise.

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EDIT.

I came for advice on my wife. I got advice on myself. This is what I learned. I need to act.