Share your methods! How do you reach out to ask for help?

hikurangi2019 · 2022-01-16T23:26:36+00:00

I’m curious what everyone else make of this. My experience have mostly been not asking for help then realising there are times I know I will be fucked if I don’t ask for help. When I do ask for help I’m generally met with massive disappointment. I’ve come to the conclusion that most people that say “just ask if you need help” don’t actually wanna help but they do wanna feel like they’re helping. People that are willing to help out sorta knows and they just help out without being asked too much. As it goes without saying, context is important here.

melympia · 2022-01-16T22:17:13+00:00

What do I do? If I want to be honest, the answer is this:

Procrastinate. Then procrastinate some more (and try to find my own way).

Then... I simply ask and hope for the best. Sometimes, I also do an exchange of (little) favors. Quid pro quo.

But, to be honest, I still have trouble asking for help because I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I guess this is another area where I need to level up, but this is so ingrained since childhood that it won't be easy. *sigh* Well, no time like the present...

Palminator · 2022-01-17T00:28:59+00:00

Pre-FDS, I used to never ask for help and ask for things/wants/needs/desires indirectly. It was passive-aggressive and manipulative!

Pre-FDS example:

Me, wanting coffee: Do you want coffee?

Bf or friends: No, thank you.

Me: (seething inside bc no one asked me if I want coffee…ends up not getting coffee but is pissed the entire day)

Post FDS: Me: Hey, I might need your help later with this project/etc… Can I call you?

This has helped tremendously!

Edit: sorry for the format. I’m on mobile ❤️

FDS-GFY · 2022-01-17T01:30:16+00:00

I am an only child. I have a small circle of only children friends. We have promised to be each other’s support for big stuff like surgery etc. it helps. One of us is married w kids other 2 are not.

randomgirl34861 · 2022-01-17T06:49:09+00:00

If you struggle with the asking for help, spend some time reflecting on your core beliefs. The ability to ask for help is very tied into your core beliefs. Thinking I am not enough or I’m only lovable if I preform at a high level (two common negative core beliefs for women) make it very difficult to ask for help.

Also, when you do ask for help be very specific. If you ask someone Can you help me with a favor? Are you available Tuesday? you’re not giving them much info. People don’t like to commit to things when they don’t know what it entails.

Practice in your head how you’re going to ask for help so that you know what to say. You can follow this simple format:

(1) How you’re feeling/the situation

(2a) What specific thing(s) they can do to help you

(2b) [Not always needed] Remind them of a boundary or consequence

(3) closing statement/thank you

Some Examples: I’m feeling really overwhelmed planning this party. Can you vacuum the carpets and sweep the floors? Thanks!

[Including Step 2b] I’m feeling really overwhelmed planning this party. Can you vacuum the carpets and sweep the floors? If this dinner party is too overwhelming, I will tell them that I am unable to host next time. Thanks!

I’m going away for the weekend. Can you stop by to feed my cat and check on Saturday sometime between 3-7 PM? Please let me know by Thursday if that works for you!

frogchickenhorse · 2022-01-16T23:31:52+00:00

Mum, google or my brother. If it’s work related I’m fine asking for help.

myeggsarebig · 2022-01-17T12:29:28+00:00

Many many years ago, I needed open heart surgery. My kids were young and my husband (now ex) and I ran 2 lucrative businesses. Asking for help was literally a matter of life or death. That’s when I learned a few things - a good friend won’t flinch, and a a shitty friend will complain. I have no problem asking for help. And, honestly, my fear of asking was actually a fear of having hurt feelings if they say no. If I ask a friend to drop off food, and they complain, now I’m stuck with the reality that they suck as a friend . That was the most valuable lesson to me.

spicyspa · 2022-01-17T15:50:11+00:00

I used to be wishy-washy when I asked thinking that was more of a humble way but it comes across as manipulative than if you don't ask directly.

It was extremely difficult for me to do this as I was not allowed to ask for help outside my family as a child. I didn't see this behavior until my therapist pointed it out. I think I probably irritated people over the years. I actually hate it when people are wishy-washy with their requests. As long as a person doesn't beg, just ask. I had no idea I was doing something that would've irritated me.

PenelopePitstop21 · 2022-01-17T10:21:06+00:00

The best thing I can say about myself in this area is that I am getting better at asking for help.

Two things really enabled me to improve.

1) I was elected onto the committee of the parents' association at my daughter's school shortly after she started. Small community charities like this always need help from the community (raffle prizes, sponsorship from local businesses) and parent volunteers. I got in a lot of practice asking for help, even if it wasn't directly for myself. I am now sometimes able to ask for help for myself.

2) My lovely husband knows it is an issue of mine, so will ask me if I need help. I have become able to take a second or two to assess the situation, take a breath, and see if I do need help rather than just reacting. I'm working on being able to do this without him having to ask, as I said this is where I'm trying to level up at the moment.

Optimal_Grapefruit_5 · 2022-01-17T21:47:18+00:00

Ngl I just don't ask for help, I hate the idea of doing that

Title	Share your methods! How do you reach out to ask for help?
Author	Fun_Sherbet
Upvotes	113
Comments	32
Date	January 16, 2022 10:05 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/s5mx4m/share_your_methods_how_do_you_reach_out_to_ask/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/share-your-methods-how-do-you-reach-out-to-ask-for.1097164 https://theredarchive.com/post/1097164

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