I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years (26F, 41M). This is my first relationship ever, so I don’t have previous relationship experience to draw from, to look out for red flags etc. Just short term dating experience but that’s about it.

A little history about me - I come from a verbally/emotionally abusive and neglectful home. My mom is a narcassist and didn’t ever want us to be independent. She wanted us to solely rely on her financially and for any provision. She was overly protective and hindered us from doing things on our own. She called us all sorts of names and had a temper so I always felt like I was walking on eggshells. So this unfortunately is how my psyche has been conditioned from my childhood. I have been working to grow out of this but obviously it takes time and effort and can be quite the journey..

Anyway, back to my relationship - when we first started dating, everything was gravy. Amazing, actually. People used to comment on how cute and loving we were all the time. We honestly got compliments so much it was really beautiful. This man has been extremely generous and a leader in a lot of ways. He paid for all our meals, vacations (keep in mind I was a broke college grad at the time with no income yet and couldn’t really contribute financially even if I wanted to - I was job hunting when we started dating and most of my money went to paying off student loans once I did finally get a job), paid for snowboarding trips, activities we did together, etc. All around, a great provider. We normally stayed at his house and he did most of the cooking as well when we spent time together (I didn’t know how to cook and was really embarrassed/ashamed about it unfortunately. I’ve been learning recently though).

When we first started seeing each other I was definitely more of a feminist and so the idea of submission really rubbed me the wrong way. However over time and conversations we had, I opened up to it and now prefer it this way.

After about 4 months into dating, however, we had a bit of a debacle. My boyfriend had spent 10 days in Arizona with his family, and was really stressed and exhausted from it when he came back. He and I had a trip to NYC planned a couple days after he returned from AZ. We were going to sleep the night before our flight, both really tired. We had this running joke at the time about shutting the lamp off before bed (neither of us wanted to do it because we would get really tired and comfortable and not want to get up to turn it off). It was always something we joked about though and it never was anything serious. At least I thought.

That night, he was asking if I would turn the lamp off ( we went back and forth on this, as usual, jokingly), and he fell asleep slightly before me and I was so tired I passed out and didn’t turn the lamp off. I woke up at 2AM to him standing over me/staring down at me with the overhead light on and didn’t know what was going on. I asked him if it was time to get up and go to the airport (for an early flight) but realized we had a couple more hours to sleep. It took me a minute to get recalibrated to understand what was going on since I was just sound asleep. He was angrily asking me why I didn’t turn the lamp off, yelling, cussing, etc. I asked if we could just go back to sleep and talk about it in the morning but he wouldn’t allow it. I just remember crying a lot and apologizing and feeling terrible. He said I was selfish and that he didn’t want to be the only one in the relationship that was giving anything. Keep in mind this was all very aggressive and honestly threatening looking back.

So this was the first instance something like this happened with my boyfriend. It pretty much ruined the NYC trip because I was walking on eggshells the entire time I was there. I understood why he was upset but the way he communicated it wasn’t the best…

At the time I just felt terrible for my own actions and guilty and ashamed. I know it’s not healthy for him to be the only one giving. I just didn’t know what to give or how and felt like I didn’t really have much to offer. I also didn’t know how to communicated this at the time unfortunately.

Since then, I started getting triggered around him when he would say things somewhat harshly. I guess I was just very sensitive to his tone and words he used. At least that’s how I rationalized it.

But I’ve come a long way and started to realize that some of the ways he communicates are unsustainable. We’ve started having discussions about this.

Over the course of our relationship, he has called me selfish, arrogant, insecure, unempathetic, a narcissist, said I might be sociopathic, depressed, used phrases (aggressively) like “you’re so fuckin sensitive (if/when I get triggered), “what the fuck is wrong with you”, said I have a scarcity mindset, said I’ve been “namby pamby” if/when I seem sad, implied that my communication is “bi-polar”, etc. This is all I can recall at the moment but there’s been many occasions where energetically I just feel attacked and criticised regarding my character as well.

Now, since I’m accustomed to verbal abuse in my childhood, it’s hard for me to recognize it when I experience it. I’ve always rationalized this in our relationship as “he’s just being honest,” but these words and energy really hurt me.

I’ve started to become aware of how damaging this is, because I think I’ve been growing to a more healthy psychological state since these things have begun to bother me consciously, not merely subconsciously. It is not good for our intimacy or trust.

I will say, I understand how/why he might be hurt. He has done a lot of giving in our relationship but I haven’t shown much appreciation to be completely honest. I didn’t even understand this concept until recently reading Laura Doyle’s book and realizing how important that is to a man. I think this is mostly due to my toxic family dynamic with my mom where she preferred that we didn’t give and only received so that we could be dependent on her. It was a blind spot for me which I don’t feel good about and am working to improve.

However, I’ve recently brought this to my boyfriend’s attention. I referred to it as “name-calling” because I’m not sure how else to describe it. We had a conversation where he said that him calling me these things is not name-calling. He says it’s only name calling if he says I’m a bitch, stupid, things like that. He considers it helpful that he tells me I’m selfish or arrogant or whatever it might be, because it’s honest and a true reflection of me and how I’ve been in our relationship. And that should wake me up essentially.

I’ve told him that this hurts and doens’t help our relationship grow because all it does is make me defensive and afraid of receiving criticism. It stimulates a fear response. Not love. He really has not been able to see why this is a boundary for me. He thinks that the fact that I even have a problem with it, shows how “self-absorbed” I am because all I can think about is myself, not address the issues he’s bringing up. And I told him, I want to talk about the other issues that have been hurting him, but it’s really difficult to do so when our communication becomes an attack on my character.

I even gave him an alternative way to communicate. I brought up the idea of “I statements.” He said it hurts men to be vulnerable. He thinks that we live in such a twisted society that the fact that he calls me out on my character flaws goes to show just how sensitive and “pussified” our culture has become. But I’ve been trying to tell him there are ways to communicate these issues that aren’t attacking me, or him having to be vulnerable. He could say “xyz is a boundary for me and I would prefer it if you (fill in the blank).” And other ways that I see as more effective and loving. I explained to him that it would be more helpful if he addressed my actions instead of using descriptors to describe me or my character. But he really wasn’t able to understand. He told me that he’s even more critical of himself, and this is how he talks to himself about his flaws. I told him that in our communication we often focus on the problem and not the solution and provided him with some solutions to the issues as well and said that if we communicated from a more solution-oriented place, we would both benefit.

Anyway, I don’t know how to move forward in a relationship like this. When he calls me these things, I have no motivation to be better or do better. I just feel like absolute shit. And thus my actions (even if they are intended to be selfless), are actually rooted in me trying to not to say or do the “wrong” thing, as opposed to coming from a loving place where I want to make him happy. We spent a couple weeks apart recently and I feel incredibly selfless and giving when I’m not with him. When we’re together though, all the heaviness from these insults permeate our dynamic and I just feel stuck and like I cannot improve because it feels like he’s put me in a box. I’ve tried to be more giving in the relationship and have improved a lot in this area I think. I think of things I could do to make him happy and enjoy giving him sweet thoughtful gifts. I’m willing and open to changing but at times I feel demotivated because I have been putting in effort, only to hear him say nasty thing about me again. I just feel like why would I even bother?

So… because I know this is not a feminist/all men are evil subreddit, I would like to ask for any advice. I also want to know if these words he uses are considered abusive? Like I said, he justifies them and I’ve looked up to him for so long that it’s hard to tell. Is this how your partner communicates with you? How do you deal with conflict? What do you consider verbal abuse? And what are some ways I could effectively communicate with him on my end? I would like to do so in a feminine way and maintain my dignity as well as respect him. Any insight would be much appreciated. Thank you.