Note: I'm intentionally leaving my child's gender and exact age out of this post for anonymity reasons.

I've known in my heart for a long time, I just never had the guts to actually go through with a DNA test.

We had been dating, and I loved her. Then she got pregnant. She assured me the child was mine, and I guess on some level I wanted to believe her.

As the years went on, something just didn't feel right. I didn't like having these feelings of doubt about my own child. They made me feel like a shitty person, like I must not really love him/her. I went back and forth for so long, but as our marriage became more and more strained, this thought nagged at me more. I wasn't sure if it would change how I felt about my child, but I also knew that not knowing was causing me to have a constant nagging background voice in my head.

Finally last week I made up a pretext to get a DNA sample and now the test has confirmed there's zero chance of me being the father. I thought I was prepared for either result, but now I'm just kind of numb and in shock.

In some ways this changes nothing. And in other ways it changes everything. I feel like she hijacked my life. What would I have done, and where would I be had I not been saddled with a family in my mid-20's? Then again, having my kid grounded me and pushed me to become a better provider. He/she was the reason I quit drinking and went back to school. I pushed myself to be a better person because I was a dad.

Then there's the fact that her family HATES me. Always has. Now, I know that I stepped up into a role and made my wife and child's lives so much better. I feel vindicated that I'm not a piece of shit because I knocked up their daughter/sister before I was ready to have a family. I did the best I could and supported them. They have safety and security because of me.

Not surprisingly, a marriage founded on a lie hasn't turned out so great. I do love her and care about her and she's not a bad person, (though I guess she did dupe me into thinking I had a kid)... but I'm not in love with her anymore, and I haven't been for a long time. I got my shit together and made something of myself and she's still coasting by, not able to keep jobs for long periods or contribute financially. She struggles with with depression and anxiety and that has led to sporadic prescription medication abuse.

I love my kid, and I'm not planning to do anything that would jeopardize my chances for custody. I'm the only father he/she has. I plan on always being there for my child. I hope my kid never even has to know. My wife has no idea that I know, and I'm scared that if I were to let on, she'd do something unpredictable like tell our kid that I don't love him/her and that I didn't want him/her out of spite.

I've fantasized about taking her to court and springing this on her. In this completely fictional world, the judge would see that she was a lying, manipulative person and I was an upstanding guy who was the best choice for custody, and I would be awarded our child and not required to subsidize her lifestyle for the next 5-10 years.

But I know that's not how it would go. I know that bringing this up in court would risk our child finding out, and it's not going to get me off the hook for anything. Not that I would have a problem with paying child support.

So I guess all I can do is vent here. Even if all it does is make me feel better about having that suspicion, and finally having an answer to the question, I'm glad I finally got the test done. It may be a secret I take to my grave. I really can't see what purpose letting it out serves.

Thanks for reading.

Edit: people are saying that I should let my kid know. For one thing, I have a good idea who the biological father is, and while I haven’t seen him in years (and I don’t think she has either) I happen to know that he was arrested for assaulting a female.

So no, he’s never getting near my kid.

I also have some perspective on what it’s like to grow up knowing your real dad is out there. My father’s dad walked out on his family when my father was 7. My father spent his whole life fantasizing about what things would be like if he could have lived with him. Finally, he tracked him down and it was the biggest disappointment of his life. Decades of building him up came crashing down and he regrets not treating his stepfather with more respect. So no, I don’t want my child growing up thinking that they are missing out on something better, nor do I want to inform them that their real dad is actually a piece of shit.